I've been working on becoming more aware of my codependent thoughts/reactions/subsequent actions to 'fix' things in real time so that I can stop doing the same sorts of behavior over and over. A situation has cropped up this week at work and I can see so clearly (now that I'm not drinking) how my distorted thinking causes anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt about how to handle conflict. I don't even have a decent gauge on what is 'big' or 'small' conflict, urgh.
My boundaries are all messed up and I want to learn how to get them healthy (I was going to say 'again' here, but I'm accepting now that I've always had issues with boundaries...either too few or complete shut down mode).
I read the sticky on ACOA and checked 'yes' for every item on the list, so I suppose that's helpful to know. I'm almost 41, divorced (left abusive marriage several years ago), and have a lot of catching up to do in regards to emotional growth and maturity. Progressive drinking didn't help matters much, but today is 67 days sober, and I have hope that if I remain sober, I'll learn how 'normal' people think and interact and behave when conflict arises.
I'm still a bit rattled by this situation at work. I talked to some friends about it and think I did okay in the moment. Now I just need to let it go and see what happens. That's the hard part. I'd share in more detail, but it seems so inconsequential when I read what you guys are dealing with. But I guess that's where I am right now--even inconsequential conflict or disagreement leave me at a loss on how to respond or feel.
I remember years ago after a bad break up, I talked to my aunt at length about 'what' had happened, and then said, "I don't know how I should feel." She responded, "you can't try to figure out how to feel, you just feel what you're feeling." I think sometimes I'm afraid to feel. Or, what I'm feeling is too painful so I try to change the situation so that I can 'feel' differently. I'm just realizing how crazy that sounds as I type it out, ha!
Thanks for listening
