Class of April 2010 - Part 3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Lowcountry
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by unbrokenchain 
Good on YA! "taking care of business" ah yeah.
Bait casting in Georgia, were ya using shiners for bass or catfishing?
fishing and drinking don't mix, sad when I lost my drinking virginity to the pure sport.
Really fishing satisfied me in everyway. In florida we used to get drunk and go fishing for
sharks in the dump zone. (high school) 4 guys 3 cases of beer, baseball bats, offshore boat on its last legs. HOW DID I SURVIVE?
LOL
Bait casting in Georgia, were ya using shiners for bass or catfishing?
fishing and drinking don't mix, sad when I lost my drinking virginity to the pure sport.
Really fishing satisfied me in everyway. In florida we used to get drunk and go fishing for
sharks in the dump zone. (high school) 4 guys 3 cases of beer, baseball bats, offshore boat on its last legs. HOW DID I SURVIVE?
LOL
Any fishing I've done has always been saltwater.
UBC, have you ever gone fishing over there yet ? I've had the fever to get a boat the last couple of months, but realizing (more and more )I need to do plenty of preparation to get in a position to take care of it first.
That's sobriety for ya, huh ?
.....................thinking things through a little instead of just diving into things hoping for some instant results (gratification )
Can't wait to be able to cycle again. I've noticed I seem a little disgruntled or edgy without any aerobic work.
Stay Strong Aprillers
.
Last edited by topspin; 09-08-2010 at 07:21 PM. Reason: typo
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
Hey All...
Good to hear from ya Dee. Glad you got some time away...I did notice
...you deserved it tho! Neck is better. I used ibuprofen and ice on it right away. It was an old injury a pulled while working out. Still can't look to the right without pain but I'll be fine.
Hang in there Top, take it easy so you can get back out.
UBC...hunting for the sharks sounds like it was fun! Take away the alcohol woulda been real fun.
Good to hear from ya Dee. Glad you got some time away...I did notice
...you deserved it tho! Neck is better. I used ibuprofen and ice on it right away. It was an old injury a pulled while working out. Still can't look to the right without pain but I'll be fine.Hang in there Top, take it easy so you can get back out.
UBC...hunting for the sharks sounds like it was fun! Take away the alcohol woulda been real fun.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 393
Just checking in, recently found out about this thread.
Going away for the weekend. Well, staying in Queens for 2 days (that's huge for me).
A month ago, I couldn't leave my borough for nothing. First 30 days, leaving my neighborhood brought out so much anxiety. It is getting better for me. Had a great clean weekend in Baltimore not to long ago.
Going away for the weekend. Well, staying in Queens for 2 days (that's huge for me).
A month ago, I couldn't leave my borough for nothing. First 30 days, leaving my neighborhood brought out so much anxiety. It is getting better for me. Had a great clean weekend in Baltimore not to long ago.
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Hi Cleansing! Welcome!
I'm enjoying everyone's threads about fishing & dreams and the like . . . as for fishing, I've never caught anything, fresh or salt water! Topspin, I know what you mean about feeling cagey without exercise, and I hope you get to cycle again soon (?). Ghostly, glad the neck is better.
Also, Dee, hoped you enjoyed a few days of "me" time! Boy, if anyone deserves it!
No new news from me, really. Just saying hi!
I'm enjoying everyone's threads about fishing & dreams and the like . . . as for fishing, I've never caught anything, fresh or salt water! Topspin, I know what you mean about feeling cagey without exercise, and I hope you get to cycle again soon (?). Ghostly, glad the neck is better.
Also, Dee, hoped you enjoyed a few days of "me" time! Boy, if anyone deserves it!
No new news from me, really. Just saying hi!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Lowcountry
Posts: 2,762
Welcome to this April 10' thread, Cleansing
Hope you had a great time in Queens !
Feeling stronger everyday y'all. Went out for some shorter rides the last two days. Have a longer route planned Sat am to go to Beaufort SC.
Filling in for a guy tonight at work, ....
Ghostly, Glad that old neck injury's healing.
Weather's finally cooling to the low 90's here on the coast ...woo-hoo !!!
AG, what's that old saying ?; "no news is good news "
Have a great weekend y'all !!!!
Hope you had a great time in Queens !
Feeling stronger everyday y'all. Went out for some shorter rides the last two days. Have a longer route planned Sat am to go to Beaufort SC.
Filling in for a guy tonight at work, ....
Ghostly, Glad that old neck injury's healing.
Weather's finally cooling to the low 90's here on the coast ...woo-hoo !!!
AG, what's that old saying ?; "no news is good news "
Have a great weekend y'all !!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Land down under
Posts: 433
Welcome Cleansing.
Thanks for the congrats Topspin.
Report writing week this week at school so no time for much else unfortunately. I did however start my yeast free diet on Monday. Probably not the wisest of days to start as i got some pretty scary headaches for few days. That seems to have calmed down now but I have a cold now, all normal withdrawal symptoms so i will just tough it out I guess. It will all be worth it...apparently lol
On the upside, i have already lost 2 kilos and that's purely from the diet. I have not made it to the gym for a couple of weeks now. Plan to get back there Monday.
Glad to see everyone is doing ok. Glad your neck is better Ghost
Thanks for the congrats Topspin.
Report writing week this week at school so no time for much else unfortunately. I did however start my yeast free diet on Monday. Probably not the wisest of days to start as i got some pretty scary headaches for few days. That seems to have calmed down now but I have a cold now, all normal withdrawal symptoms so i will just tough it out I guess. It will all be worth it...apparently lol
On the upside, i have already lost 2 kilos and that's purely from the diet. I have not made it to the gym for a couple of weeks now. Plan to get back there Monday.
Glad to see everyone is doing ok. Glad your neck is better Ghost
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Lowcountry
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by unbrokenchain
Even if you don't catch anything it's peace and quiet, sounds of birds and insects in the background the simplicity of the still pond and watching the bobber. This is how I started out at age 3. If you catch one just take the hook out of its mouth and give him back his freedom. It doesn't hurt the fish that much just gives it a little gym workout which it needs to be strong.
I know your not really gonna try fishing but I loved writing this.
LOL everyone! Nites are starting to cool down.
I know your not really gonna try fishing but I loved writing this.
LOL everyone! Nites are starting to cool down.
I really liked reading that ^
Ya never can tell, AG might just try it one morning
I may need to try out the whiners thread. Kind of bumpy start to the day; ....thankfully it got a little better by fits and starts.
Take care y'all.
still grateful to be sober, ........periodically forgetting to live life one day at a time though :crazy
On a more positive note, I found a web site with some really motivated micro-skiff boat builders down in Fl outside Orlando. East Cape Canoe (and skiffs)
Makes me seriously want to "do what needs to be done" - ref. Garrison Kiellor
.
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Ha!
Oh, I've tried fishing, in the ocean, in a river, and in a lake. . . just never caught anything. And I'd be waaaay too wimpy to take care of it if I did catch something -- so back they'd all go, like you beautifully described, UBC. I'll definitely try again someday.
I also tried to go hunting once, thinking that I could only justify eating meat if I was able to kill. But I couldn't pull the trigger -- too afraid the deer would go loping out of range with an injury, and die in pain. The worst part? I still eat meat . . . but I do try to limit my consumption of it.
I'm lucky to live close to a good swimming river. I love being in water.
Ghostly, I forgot to report back on my horror/scary movie. I watched The Devil's Backbone (El Espinazo del Diablo) and I'd absolutely recommend it if you haven't seen it yet.
Oz, good to hear from you. Good luck with the diet!
Have a great Saturday night, everyone. I'm grateful to have had a lovely sober day.
Oh, I've tried fishing, in the ocean, in a river, and in a lake. . . just never caught anything. And I'd be waaaay too wimpy to take care of it if I did catch something -- so back they'd all go, like you beautifully described, UBC. I'll definitely try again someday.
I also tried to go hunting once, thinking that I could only justify eating meat if I was able to kill. But I couldn't pull the trigger -- too afraid the deer would go loping out of range with an injury, and die in pain. The worst part? I still eat meat . . . but I do try to limit my consumption of it.
I'm lucky to live close to a good swimming river. I love being in water.
Ghostly, I forgot to report back on my horror/scary movie. I watched The Devil's Backbone (El Espinazo del Diablo) and I'd absolutely recommend it if you haven't seen it yet.
Oz, good to hear from you. Good luck with the diet!
Have a great Saturday night, everyone. I'm grateful to have had a lovely sober day.
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
I have seen the trailers for The Devils Backbone and just checked it out again. Does look interesting...maybe I'll check it out. Thanks AG. I'm not a hunter either but I do eat meat.
UBC your fishing post sounded soooooo relaxing. I hadn't fished in about two decades until last year, and it really isn't my thing. Still can see why people like it. I appreciate things like nature more than I ever did. Cool nights. Clear skies. Stars. Nice breeze.
Hope you're doin well Top. Hang in there brother.
Just so everyone knows...In Oz's last post she had an emoticon blowing a kiss. That was to me!
So...I'm watching Football. A 3 o'clock game. Eatin fruit and drinkin water.
UBC your fishing post sounded soooooo relaxing. I hadn't fished in about two decades until last year, and it really isn't my thing. Still can see why people like it. I appreciate things like nature more than I ever did. Cool nights. Clear skies. Stars. Nice breeze.
Hope you're doin well Top. Hang in there brother.
Just so everyone knows...In Oz's last post she had an emoticon blowing a kiss. That was to me!
So...I'm watching Football. A 3 o'clock game. Eatin fruit and drinkin water.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Land down under
Posts: 433
home sick today folks which gives me some time to be on here (the upside to being home sick)
Just had a thought for a wicked t-shirt print "Living it one day at a time"
Seriously considering getting one printed
lol ghost - kiss was for you but don't be getting everyone jealous now lol
Here's to another week in sobriety folks
Just had a thought for a wicked t-shirt print "Living it one day at a time"
Seriously considering getting one printed
lol ghost - kiss was for you but don't be getting everyone jealous now lol
Here's to another week in sobriety folks
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Lowcountry
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by Ghostly
I have seen the trailers for The Devils Backbone and just checked it out again. Does look interesting...maybe I'll check it out. Thanks AG. I'm not a hunter either but I do eat meat.
UBC your fishing post sounded soooooo relaxing. I hadn't fished in about two decades until last year, and it really isn't my thing. Still can see why people like it. I appreciate things like nature more than I ever did. Cool nights. Clear skies. Stars. Nice breeze.
Hope you're doin well Top. Hang in there brother.
Just so everyone knows...In Oz's last post she had an emoticon blowing a kiss. That was to me!
So...I'm watching Football. A 3 o'clock game. Eatin fruit and drinkin water.
UBC your fishing post sounded soooooo relaxing. I hadn't fished in about two decades until last year, and it really isn't my thing. Still can see why people like it. I appreciate things like nature more than I ever did. Cool nights. Clear skies. Stars. Nice breeze.
Hope you're doin well Top. Hang in there brother.
Just so everyone knows...In Oz's last post she had an emoticon blowing a kiss. That was to me!
So...I'm watching Football. A 3 o'clock game. Eatin fruit and drinkin water.
I had the same impression of UBC's fishing post ; .....relaxing,...... and funny !
Anytime I'd gone fishing in the past , ....out of a small handmade 12' wooden skiff 20 years ago, ....it was mostly just a good excuse to be outside and read. I'd bait a line , wait 2 minutes, and pick up a book . 20-30 minutes later check to see if my bait was stolen, and try again. More reading, more lost bait; etc.
Relaxing. Occasionally , the fish would get active though. And I love eating fresh fish. And shrimping season's coming, ......
I like using a skiff for exploring mostly. We have hundreds of hammocks (small islands ) that can only be accessed by the lightest skiffs, ...since the tides run 6-7 ft twice a day
I'm not a gun guy, so the only" hunting" I've ever done was snake hunting as a kid. We were (geeky) amatuer herpetologists, so our idea of fun after school was to roam the swampy areas and catch snakes, skinks, and prized salamanders. Since snakes have such a bad reputation , we'd always relocate them farther away from any development a day or three later.
Down South,.... sadly, a snake has no chance to learn to fear man,
....since their first encounter is usually their last.
Superstitious fears and all.Hope y'all are having another great weekend !!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Wow everyone....I love the good vibes and all this talk of outdoor adventures!
I miss doing all of that and have been trying hard to stay positive here lately but I am just burning out and done with living over here. Germany is a beautiful place and blah blah but it royally sucks when you don't have much money and a POS vehicle that you fear will break down. Every weekend people post on FB about going to this festival and that one since its Wine Festival time and Oktoberfest is right around the corner but for the alcoholic....WTF isn't there anything else. Yes.....living here is very much drinking related.
I also rant that I haven't been to anything awesome really like Berlin, Paris, Munich, Rome, etc. because my husband can't get time off and everything IS that expensive. The euro kills us, like I said earlier our vehicle is not trustworthy to travel the distance and if it breaks down what do I do? Seriously....it isn't like I can go to a Ford dealership here and get the part and I don't have AAA here....LOL. So I am a bit screwed in that sense. The best way for me to travel to nice places is to save up and do the local tours but they hose the Americans here.
I am sorry but totally in a rant right now. I am ok but I am just done man....just done.
I am thinking of how much $$$ to buy baby stuff which obviously I am nearing the midway point in this pregnancy that I have to start buying and it is expensive. I haven't bought one baby thing (I know shocking right) and I haven't bought any maternity clothes which is now becoming a problem as the belly is growing.
I resigned from my job.....necessary evil. I was too stressed from it and I physically couldn't do the work. I was getting sick from working there and I had to make the decision to part ways.
My past baby appt was good but there is concern. One is that I haven't gained any weight and I even have lost a little too. The other is I am having on and off cramping but it was worse with the lifting of my special needs kids at work so now hoping to just take it easy.
I know this sounds down guys but I am ok. I have to effing vent since I don't have really anyone in my life to do that with right now. I am not going to settle on people just to have folks in my life. That was part of the problem I did when I drank. I befriended people who really weren't the kind of people I should have had in my life. They only upset me and I used that to fuel (as I did with almost everything back then) my drinking.
I have 150 days sober today gang. I am happy and proud of my 5 months. Busted my arse but have no one to share with as well except for you my friends. For those who do know of my sobriety.....hell they just don't ever ask or bring it up ever. Like I am just magically cured. My own husband doesn't ask.....even though he is supportive and loving.....he isn't an alcoholic and doesn't understand.
I have an appt with my counselor this week so sure to get all this out and talk and break it down to understand but I feel like my freaking counselor and SR is my social life now. It prob sounds sad but he gets it and you do. No one else does and I don't want to bring it up because I know I will look for a desired answer and when it doesn't meet what I expect I will be pissed off.
I know what bugs me and I work with it or around it. Part of me says just get out and take all these folks up on their offers. Other side of me says....but look in the 5 months of focusing on you and changing your life.....all the positives.
The positives in being the way I look at life and the way I perceive myself. I am stronger then I have been in years and resigning from this gig (for an example) is something I never would have done before - drink or no drink. This where my recovery and lifestyle change comes into play. I am here obviously venting in this particular update but I spent years (def. drove the drinking) of being scared to stand up....to make a decision....worrying about what others think. That is part of the reason I for now am riding this early recovery and not really getting to the social element of it. I don't know what I hope to find in people I surround myself with but I have to get myself grounded first.
My counselor gave me some input when I discussed the stresses and potential dangers of my job to the baby and goes....Kim, you have lived too many years doing for others and NOT doing for yourself. Holy Heffers Batman! He got it and I sat there thinking....I have done this for years. For all those years with my ex (worst mistake of my life).....I retrained myself to shut up, deal with things I didn't like, suck it up....and try and please him and then it extended to EVERYTHING in my life. Do for my parents....Do for my brother, friends. Eventually I lost self esteem and any identity I had and all this while as I changed....I leaned on the bottle to cope and to numb and to pacify. The more I did this the more it became easier to belittle myself and to lose all self worth.
That my friends is what I am getting in this journey. Realizing how I allowed myself (with the wonderful aid of alcohol) to think I was worthless and bad things were my fault....I was the failure and never anyone else. I can fix everyone and of course that is impossible and tried to do what everyone else expected of me. I was used and abused....not physically but you get where I am going.
So where I am at is embracing making my decisions for myself and doing what is right for me. I am working hard everyday on retraining myself to stop doing things for others. It causes me moments of anger....like the last few days and it causes me moments of tremendous joy.
Ok....enough rambling here. I wanted everyone to know where I am and while I am secure as anything in my quest....sobriety is so so sooooo much more for me then just quitting drinking. It is everything underneath that drove it and fueled it that I am working on. Man I am tired from this work but if I don't get with the program and get beyond this old crappy attitude.....nothing my friends will change. Doesn't mean I will turn to the bottle but I would foolish to think that 5 months sober can fix the 10 years of hell.
It's funny I suppose because there are things in my life that I will never look at the same again. I am not the drunk nor am I the person before that......I am something new now and a combination of the good, bad and ugly. I lost that innocence and I think that those who have never had an addiction are innocent in a way. I am getting situated in this new me and finding a new life to go with it.
Plus add being a mommy to be after this crazy ride I have been on is another factor of change.
Huggs my friends and I am so proud to take this enlightening journey with all of you.
Kim
I miss doing all of that and have been trying hard to stay positive here lately but I am just burning out and done with living over here. Germany is a beautiful place and blah blah but it royally sucks when you don't have much money and a POS vehicle that you fear will break down. Every weekend people post on FB about going to this festival and that one since its Wine Festival time and Oktoberfest is right around the corner but for the alcoholic....WTF isn't there anything else. Yes.....living here is very much drinking related.
I also rant that I haven't been to anything awesome really like Berlin, Paris, Munich, Rome, etc. because my husband can't get time off and everything IS that expensive. The euro kills us, like I said earlier our vehicle is not trustworthy to travel the distance and if it breaks down what do I do? Seriously....it isn't like I can go to a Ford dealership here and get the part and I don't have AAA here....LOL. So I am a bit screwed in that sense. The best way for me to travel to nice places is to save up and do the local tours but they hose the Americans here.
I am sorry but totally in a rant right now. I am ok but I am just done man....just done.
I am thinking of how much $$$ to buy baby stuff which obviously I am nearing the midway point in this pregnancy that I have to start buying and it is expensive. I haven't bought one baby thing (I know shocking right) and I haven't bought any maternity clothes which is now becoming a problem as the belly is growing.
I resigned from my job.....necessary evil. I was too stressed from it and I physically couldn't do the work. I was getting sick from working there and I had to make the decision to part ways.
My past baby appt was good but there is concern. One is that I haven't gained any weight and I even have lost a little too. The other is I am having on and off cramping but it was worse with the lifting of my special needs kids at work so now hoping to just take it easy.
I know this sounds down guys but I am ok. I have to effing vent since I don't have really anyone in my life to do that with right now. I am not going to settle on people just to have folks in my life. That was part of the problem I did when I drank. I befriended people who really weren't the kind of people I should have had in my life. They only upset me and I used that to fuel (as I did with almost everything back then) my drinking.
I have 150 days sober today gang. I am happy and proud of my 5 months. Busted my arse but have no one to share with as well except for you my friends. For those who do know of my sobriety.....hell they just don't ever ask or bring it up ever. Like I am just magically cured. My own husband doesn't ask.....even though he is supportive and loving.....he isn't an alcoholic and doesn't understand.
I have an appt with my counselor this week so sure to get all this out and talk and break it down to understand but I feel like my freaking counselor and SR is my social life now. It prob sounds sad but he gets it and you do. No one else does and I don't want to bring it up because I know I will look for a desired answer and when it doesn't meet what I expect I will be pissed off.
I know what bugs me and I work with it or around it. Part of me says just get out and take all these folks up on their offers. Other side of me says....but look in the 5 months of focusing on you and changing your life.....all the positives.
The positives in being the way I look at life and the way I perceive myself. I am stronger then I have been in years and resigning from this gig (for an example) is something I never would have done before - drink or no drink. This where my recovery and lifestyle change comes into play. I am here obviously venting in this particular update but I spent years (def. drove the drinking) of being scared to stand up....to make a decision....worrying about what others think. That is part of the reason I for now am riding this early recovery and not really getting to the social element of it. I don't know what I hope to find in people I surround myself with but I have to get myself grounded first.
My counselor gave me some input when I discussed the stresses and potential dangers of my job to the baby and goes....Kim, you have lived too many years doing for others and NOT doing for yourself. Holy Heffers Batman! He got it and I sat there thinking....I have done this for years. For all those years with my ex (worst mistake of my life).....I retrained myself to shut up, deal with things I didn't like, suck it up....and try and please him and then it extended to EVERYTHING in my life. Do for my parents....Do for my brother, friends. Eventually I lost self esteem and any identity I had and all this while as I changed....I leaned on the bottle to cope and to numb and to pacify. The more I did this the more it became easier to belittle myself and to lose all self worth.
That my friends is what I am getting in this journey. Realizing how I allowed myself (with the wonderful aid of alcohol) to think I was worthless and bad things were my fault....I was the failure and never anyone else. I can fix everyone and of course that is impossible and tried to do what everyone else expected of me. I was used and abused....not physically but you get where I am going.
So where I am at is embracing making my decisions for myself and doing what is right for me. I am working hard everyday on retraining myself to stop doing things for others. It causes me moments of anger....like the last few days and it causes me moments of tremendous joy.
Ok....enough rambling here. I wanted everyone to know where I am and while I am secure as anything in my quest....sobriety is so so sooooo much more for me then just quitting drinking. It is everything underneath that drove it and fueled it that I am working on. Man I am tired from this work but if I don't get with the program and get beyond this old crappy attitude.....nothing my friends will change. Doesn't mean I will turn to the bottle but I would foolish to think that 5 months sober can fix the 10 years of hell.
It's funny I suppose because there are things in my life that I will never look at the same again. I am not the drunk nor am I the person before that......I am something new now and a combination of the good, bad and ugly. I lost that innocence and I think that those who have never had an addiction are innocent in a way. I am getting situated in this new me and finding a new life to go with it.
Plus add being a mommy to be after this crazy ride I have been on is another factor of change.
Huggs my friends and I am so proud to take this enlightening journey with all of you.
Kim
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Wow everyone....I love the good vibes and all this talk of outdoor adventures!
I miss doing all of that and have been trying hard to stay positive here lately but I am just burning out and done with living over here. Germany is a beautiful place and blah blah but it royally sucks when you don't have much money and a POS vehicle that you fear will break down. Every weekend people post on FB about going to this festival and that one since its Wine Festival time and Oktoberfest is right around the corner but for the alcoholic....WTF isn't there anything else. Yes.....living here is very much drinking related.
I also rant that I haven't been to anything awesome really like Berlin, Paris, Munich, Rome, etc. because my husband can't get time off and everything IS that expensive. The euro kills us, like I said earlier our vehicle is not trustworthy to travel the distance and if it breaks down what do I do? Seriously....it isn't like I can go to a Ford dealership here and get the part and I don't have AAA here....LOL. So I am a bit screwed in that sense. The best way for me to travel to nice places is to save up and do the local tours but they hose the Americans here.
I am sorry but totally in a rant right now. I am ok but I am just done man....just done.
I am thinking of how much $$$ to buy baby stuff which obviously I am nearing the midway point in this pregnancy that I have to start buying and it is expensive. I haven't bought one baby thing (I know shocking right) and I haven't bought any maternity clothes which is now becoming a problem as the belly is growing.
I resigned from my job.....necessary evil. I was too stressed from it and I physically couldn't do the work. I was getting sick from working there and I had to make the decision to part ways.
My past baby appt was good but there is concern. One is that I haven't gained any weight and I even have lost a little too. The other is I am having on and off cramping but it was worse with the lifting of my special needs kids at work so now hoping to just take it easy.
I know this sounds down guys but I am ok. I have to effing vent since I don't have really anyone in my life to do that with right now. I am not going to settle on people just to have folks in my life. That was part of the problem I did when I drank. I befriended people who really weren't the kind of people I should have had in my life. They only upset me and I used that to fuel (as I did with almost everything back then) my drinking.
I have 150 days sober today gang. I am happy and proud of my 5 months. Busted my arse but have no one to share with as well except for you my friends. For those who do know of my sobriety.....hell they just don't ever ask or bring it up ever. Like I am just magically cured. My own husband doesn't ask.....even though he is supportive and loving.....he isn't an alcoholic and doesn't understand.
I have an appt with my counselor this week so sure to get all this out and talk and break it down to understand but I feel like my freaking counselor and SR is my social life now. It prob sounds sad but he gets it and you do. No one else does and I don't want to bring it up because I know I will look for a desired answer and when it doesn't meet what I expect I will be pissed off.
I know what bugs me and I work with it or around it. Part of me says just get out and take all these folks up on their offers. Other side of me says....but look in the 5 months of focusing on you and changing your life.....all the positives.
The positives in being the way I look at life and the way I perceive myself. I am stronger then I have been in years and resigning from this gig (for an example) is something I never would have done before - drink or no drink. This where my recovery and lifestyle change comes into play. I am here obviously venting in this particular update but I spent years (def. drove the drinking) of being scared to stand up....to make a decision....worrying about what others think. That is part of the reason I for now am riding this early recovery and not really getting to the social element of it. I don't know what I hope to find in people I surround myself with but I have to get myself grounded first.
My counselor gave me some input when I discussed the stresses and potential dangers of my job to the baby and goes....Kim, you have lived too many years doing for others and NOT doing for yourself. Holy Heffers Batman! He got it and I sat there thinking....I have done this for years. For all those years with my ex (worst mistake of my life).....I retrained myself to shut up, deal with things I didn't like, suck it up....and try and please him and then it extended to EVERYTHING in my life. Do for my parents....Do for my brother, friends. Eventually I lost self esteem and any identity I had and all this while as I changed....I leaned on the bottle to cope and to numb and to pacify. The more I did this the more it became easier to belittle myself and to lose all self worth.
That my friends is what I am getting in this journey. Realizing how I allowed myself (with the wonderful aid of alcohol) to think I was worthless and bad things were my fault....I was the failure and never anyone else. I can fix everyone and of course that is impossible and tried to do what everyone else expected of me. I was used and abused....not physically but you get where I am going.
So where I am at is embracing making my decisions for myself and doing what is right for me. I am working hard everyday on retraining myself to stop doing things for others. It causes me moments of anger....like the last few days and it causes me moments of tremendous joy.
Ok....enough rambling here. I wanted everyone to know where I am and while I am secure as anything in my quest....sobriety is so so sooooo much more for me then just quitting drinking. It is everything underneath that drove it and fueled it that I am working on. Man I am tired from this work but if I don't get with the program and get beyond this old crappy attitude.....nothing my friends will change. Doesn't mean I will turn to the bottle but I would foolish to think that 5 months sober can fix the 10 years of hell.
It's funny I suppose because there are things in my life that I will never look at the same again. I am not the drunk nor am I the person before that......I am something new now and a combination of the good, bad and ugly. I lost that innocence and I think that those who have never had an addiction are innocent in a way. I am getting situated in this new me and finding a new life to go with it.
Plus add being a mommy to be after this crazy ride I have been on is another factor of change.
Huggs my friends and I am so proud to take this enlightening journey with all of you.
Kim
I miss doing all of that and have been trying hard to stay positive here lately but I am just burning out and done with living over here. Germany is a beautiful place and blah blah but it royally sucks when you don't have much money and a POS vehicle that you fear will break down. Every weekend people post on FB about going to this festival and that one since its Wine Festival time and Oktoberfest is right around the corner but for the alcoholic....WTF isn't there anything else. Yes.....living here is very much drinking related.
I also rant that I haven't been to anything awesome really like Berlin, Paris, Munich, Rome, etc. because my husband can't get time off and everything IS that expensive. The euro kills us, like I said earlier our vehicle is not trustworthy to travel the distance and if it breaks down what do I do? Seriously....it isn't like I can go to a Ford dealership here and get the part and I don't have AAA here....LOL. So I am a bit screwed in that sense. The best way for me to travel to nice places is to save up and do the local tours but they hose the Americans here.
I am sorry but totally in a rant right now. I am ok but I am just done man....just done.
I am thinking of how much $$$ to buy baby stuff which obviously I am nearing the midway point in this pregnancy that I have to start buying and it is expensive. I haven't bought one baby thing (I know shocking right) and I haven't bought any maternity clothes which is now becoming a problem as the belly is growing.
I resigned from my job.....necessary evil. I was too stressed from it and I physically couldn't do the work. I was getting sick from working there and I had to make the decision to part ways.
My past baby appt was good but there is concern. One is that I haven't gained any weight and I even have lost a little too. The other is I am having on and off cramping but it was worse with the lifting of my special needs kids at work so now hoping to just take it easy.
I know this sounds down guys but I am ok. I have to effing vent since I don't have really anyone in my life to do that with right now. I am not going to settle on people just to have folks in my life. That was part of the problem I did when I drank. I befriended people who really weren't the kind of people I should have had in my life. They only upset me and I used that to fuel (as I did with almost everything back then) my drinking.
I have 150 days sober today gang. I am happy and proud of my 5 months. Busted my arse but have no one to share with as well except for you my friends. For those who do know of my sobriety.....hell they just don't ever ask or bring it up ever. Like I am just magically cured. My own husband doesn't ask.....even though he is supportive and loving.....he isn't an alcoholic and doesn't understand.
I have an appt with my counselor this week so sure to get all this out and talk and break it down to understand but I feel like my freaking counselor and SR is my social life now. It prob sounds sad but he gets it and you do. No one else does and I don't want to bring it up because I know I will look for a desired answer and when it doesn't meet what I expect I will be pissed off.
I know what bugs me and I work with it or around it. Part of me says just get out and take all these folks up on their offers. Other side of me says....but look in the 5 months of focusing on you and changing your life.....all the positives.
The positives in being the way I look at life and the way I perceive myself. I am stronger then I have been in years and resigning from this gig (for an example) is something I never would have done before - drink or no drink. This where my recovery and lifestyle change comes into play. I am here obviously venting in this particular update but I spent years (def. drove the drinking) of being scared to stand up....to make a decision....worrying about what others think. That is part of the reason I for now am riding this early recovery and not really getting to the social element of it. I don't know what I hope to find in people I surround myself with but I have to get myself grounded first.
My counselor gave me some input when I discussed the stresses and potential dangers of my job to the baby and goes....Kim, you have lived too many years doing for others and NOT doing for yourself. Holy Heffers Batman! He got it and I sat there thinking....I have done this for years. For all those years with my ex (worst mistake of my life).....I retrained myself to shut up, deal with things I didn't like, suck it up....and try and please him and then it extended to EVERYTHING in my life. Do for my parents....Do for my brother, friends. Eventually I lost self esteem and any identity I had and all this while as I changed....I leaned on the bottle to cope and to numb and to pacify. The more I did this the more it became easier to belittle myself and to lose all self worth.
That my friends is what I am getting in this journey. Realizing how I allowed myself (with the wonderful aid of alcohol) to think I was worthless and bad things were my fault....I was the failure and never anyone else. I can fix everyone and of course that is impossible and tried to do what everyone else expected of me. I was used and abused....not physically but you get where I am going.
So where I am at is embracing making my decisions for myself and doing what is right for me. I am working hard everyday on retraining myself to stop doing things for others. It causes me moments of anger....like the last few days and it causes me moments of tremendous joy.
Ok....enough rambling here. I wanted everyone to know where I am and while I am secure as anything in my quest....sobriety is so so sooooo much more for me then just quitting drinking. It is everything underneath that drove it and fueled it that I am working on. Man I am tired from this work but if I don't get with the program and get beyond this old crappy attitude.....nothing my friends will change. Doesn't mean I will turn to the bottle but I would foolish to think that 5 months sober can fix the 10 years of hell.
It's funny I suppose because there are things in my life that I will never look at the same again. I am not the drunk nor am I the person before that......I am something new now and a combination of the good, bad and ugly. I lost that innocence and I think that those who have never had an addiction are innocent in a way. I am getting situated in this new me and finding a new life to go with it.
Plus add being a mommy to be after this crazy ride I have been on is another factor of change.
Huggs my friends and I am so proud to take this enlightening journey with all of you.
Kim
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Kim -- 
-- Your post is really honest & wonderful. I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch. You're doing something great for yourself and it will just take time. Whenever I get frustrated about feeling alone/not having sober friendships, I remind myself how little time 5 months is in comparison to the 8 or 9 years of heavy drinking. And I know this will be little help, since Germany has been frustrating for the reasons you explain, but I'd LOVE to have the chance to live abroad again. So hopefully you can take something from my envy. Congrats on 150 days. You make an excellent point about innocence, and how we don't return to who we were before, but instead become a new person in sobriety.
UBC, I didn't think you sounded patronizing at all! I was just clarifying my own post.
Have a good day, everyone.
-- Your post is really honest & wonderful. I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch. You're doing something great for yourself and it will just take time. Whenever I get frustrated about feeling alone/not having sober friendships, I remind myself how little time 5 months is in comparison to the 8 or 9 years of heavy drinking. And I know this will be little help, since Germany has been frustrating for the reasons you explain, but I'd LOVE to have the chance to live abroad again. So hopefully you can take something from my envy. Congrats on 150 days. You make an excellent point about innocence, and how we don't return to who we were before, but instead become a new person in sobriety.UBC, I didn't think you sounded patronizing at all! I was just clarifying my own post.
Have a good day, everyone.
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
Congrats on the 150 Kim. I know you are going through a rough time but you seem to have the tools to get through it.
Top the looking for reptiles doesn't sound geeky. I used to want to get home after school to watch GI Joe and Transformers...that's geeky!
UBC - I sometimes put off Dr. appointments but usually feel better once the appointment is made. Make the call now and get something set up for Oct or sooner if it's available. Don't put it off. You will feel better.
Top the looking for reptiles doesn't sound geeky. I used to want to get home after school to watch GI Joe and Transformers...that's geeky!
UBC - I sometimes put off Dr. appointments but usually feel better once the appointment is made. Make the call now and get something set up for Oct or sooner if it's available. Don't put it off. You will feel better.
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