Kmber2010

AG, I am thinking of you. I too have had moments of frustration and sadness and I believe it is all part of this learning phase. To get to the real meat of recovery.....the kind that will give us the life long skills and mindset to live the rest of our lives alcohol free.....we have to go through all of this to strengthen us and harden our resolve.

What is different for me this time is that I accept there is no (as Dee would say) magical genie or potion. I didn't get that in my attempts before and the minute something challenging came up.....I didn't have the strength to see it through. Now....I try and recognize these things....like I notice all our Aprillers doing....and share and talk it out and we get through sober...and have furthered our self confidence and self esteem.

Hope things get better AG and girl....I totally feel for you on the BF thing. No matter what happens around us....we have worked too hard and gone too far to let anything hold us down again. Know that we can only help ourselves and not others.

Nica - Glad you are here and I have enjoyed our chat yaps

TS - you offer good stuff as always my friend.

All of the Aprillers keep me going and while I may not always post....know that I am following your journey and am learning much about me as I read your struggles and your accomplishments.

For me....all is lets say status quo....which I have to say.....is ok in my sobriety. I don't have to feel elated and crazy happy every day. Just being and having a quiet day is just fine with me. Years ago this attitude would never fly......always had to be either amazing or horrible. I know embrace the middle of the road and I find it just fine.

Hubby made it home last Sunday....safely and I thank all of you for being the "virtual rock" for me when I felt some bumps and shakes. I leaned on you for support and I am grateful and perfectly accepting of that. Just because we reach out for support doesn't mean we are weak and doesn't mean we are questionable in sobriety. It means that we are smart enough (smart is a funny word for me...lol) to know the difference and to have the courage to say hey....I am having a rough day. Y'all are right there.....not necessarily offering pearls of wisdom but saying....I get it man....I hear ya and get those too. Makes me feel really good to know I have ya pals.

Keep taking it day by day guys. Huggs and another sober week almost down. I just want to add here that I am kinda getting more used to my sober life then my past life. If that makes sense. Every day putting more distance and finding that all things are greater when we are sober.

MyGraySkies

Hi everyone! I haven't been on SR much lately. I've struggled a lot, I'm still sober but it's a daily thought, desire, want... to let the addict in me do as she pleases. In an effort to get healthier again and focus on something more positive, I took on a weight loss challenge that lasts 3 months with another group of ladies online. I dropped 10 lbs right away, I'm sure from all the candy and crap I'd been eating recently to keep from wanting to drink as badly. I have a goal set for myself to reach before the husband returns from sea, also in hopes of keeping focused on something other than wanting to numb everything away.
As always, thank you all for your posts, coming here to read always helps me stick to it and keep trudging along sober.

AmericanGirl

everybody

I am feeling much better this morning and the situation no longer looks as much like this:

MyGray, I'm glad to hear from you and sorry to hear it has been challenging sometimes lately. Good for you for focusing on other areas of health, like eating better. I try to do this too but am also cautious since that has made me crazy a few times in the past (the whole eating thing).

Kim, thank you for your long and thoughtful post. I really appreciate it. I agree that sober life is better and it is a huge help to have this place be the foundation for my support. I am glad your husband made it home okay and that you got through this time alone which I know from your past posts is a challenge.

Topspin, I think you are right that this has a lot to do with expectations. I have been thinking a lot about your post all yesterday and today. My issue right now is that I'm trying to figure out what is reasonable to expect from other people. Setting my expectations too low is harmful, I think, because it leaves me open to the possibility of becoming an extremely resentful doormat, but I also know that if I set my expectations at a level I find reasonable and other people don't, that would also mean doing the necessary work of pruning my life of the people and activities that consistently malfunction, and I really resist looking at life as a chart of cost/benefits. I'm working on trying to care about myself without being selfish, something that has always felt difficult to me as I had previously believed/been taught that being selfish was the same thing as caring about your needs and that being selfish was the worst thing to be. Also, your palms explanation definitely made sense! Anyway, expectations . . . definitely will be on my mind. I don't know what's fair for me to expect, at all, if anything.

Dee, I know you're right and I need to snap out of the "cosmic gift" mentality. It's only a waste of time to think that way. I do have to disagree with the last part of the post, though, about getting up and doing something! I've been working hard (busiest part of the year for me for the next week and a half) including a lot of things where I put energy out in the universe and it has seemed lately that it is just echoing in the abyss (teaching is rarely rewarding the semester you teach them, but they come back to say thanks later). I think the problem in the past few days has been patience . . . I need to wait to see the fruits of my labor . . . and you are very right, a magical treat will not change this and would only be a momentary pleasure; not to mention it's completely out of my control unless I can find said genie. Thank you for that reminder.

Rev

I think this must be The Summer of Our Discontent. It figures, as we all quit in April and it IS (if T.S. Eliott is to be believed) the cruelest month. We're doing amazingly well, though, if statistics on relapse are any indicator. So many of us are facing trials of one kind or another, yet managing to hold on to our sobriety. It really inspires me.

Rev

AmericanGirl

Hi Friends. Just wanted to drop in and say hello. I tried a freethinkers meeting the other night and it was a great experience, well worth the 45 minute drive, and the chosen topic happened to be about being good to yourself/having patience with life and your expectations, etc--perfect timing for the emotional freak-outs I had over the past week. Hope everyone's doing well.

Kmber2010

Rev - I feel exactly the same way.

AG - I am so glad you are feeling better and I really like the vibe of the Freethinkers meeting.

As for me I have always been called a free spirit. I have never fit the "mold" of what is considered the norm. I spent too many years faking it and trying to be like others. Not because I didn't like me but because life is much easier when you are part of the pack.

Getting sober....has been and probably will always be my greatest challenge....my greatest accomplishment. For me it is similar to Davey and Goliath. I took on something by myself and I am so proud of myself.

Sobriety has released me from those feelings of trying to "fit in" or be part of something. I always liked me but I beat to my drum. Going way back to grammar school I was that way. I didn't want to hang out with the popular kids....even though it would've made my life easier.....I chose to spend time with those who I genuinely liked. Sometimes that caused me alienation at school.

Getting divorced freed me from a life that wasn't me. Getting sober has given me the strength and power to love myself again and to embrace "beating to my own drum."

I wouldn't wish an addiction on my worst enemy but I have faced the beast and struggled for years and I look at myself now and I ain't taking sh!t from anybody.

I believe I was meant to do something with my life. Working for the man and owning a large home....fancy car....nahhh that wasn't my bag. Becoming a lawyer.....nahhhh that wasn't meant for me.

Being comfortable in my skin and leading by example.....I did this for me and me only. Funny thing that I am noticing though guys? People are starting to come to me (not knowing about my battle with alcohol) but seeing the strength in me and asking me for advice and tips.

No not in some self righteous guru way.....Ohhhh man....that is definitely isn't me...but I have always been an open person. I am open about my knowledge on subjects.....anxiety, divorce, loss, etc. I now find that I am able to help others. They feel comfortable asking me for help. They have these "on the outside" pretty decent lives but they are sharing with me about problems they are having and what they can do.

I am no genie in a bottle but I am who I am. As Eminem would say...."I'm not afraid."

Guess that comes from hitting rock bottom and still saying in the face off all things that could go wrong it seemed....I still believe in me and want to stop all this pain. Not sure whats on the other side but I have faith and hope.

I came back to SR after I tossed that bottle. No one held my hand to dump it out (as had been on some occasions), no seeking advice.....Just me making a decision and then coming here to restart the journey.

Thank you all. Sorry again for writing so long. It really helps me. I hope some of it may help others but the fact my Aprillers allow me to bare my soul here is priceless and is so critical to my recovery.

As always....huggs and keep it going. I am right here following along. We are doing amazing and every challenge my friends only builds our confidence and strengthens our resolve in recovery.

On a side note....If I saw this years back....I would never have believed it was possible and would assure myself that it couldn't be done.

Kim

topspin

MGS, ....congrats on changes in your fitness/ diet routine. Keep us posted on how that's going. It seemed natural (desperately so, at my age ! lo ) to roll a improved diet/ fitness routine into a recovery program. I've still got a looong way to go with the fitness thing, but I learned from my group over on the Fitness thread, as far as a time frame for fitness goals go; ..... " a slow grind is a good thing".

(kinda like sobriety , I guess !)

Excercize seems to have a very real calming affect for me. Of course, it seems to work a whole lot better (to work out ) before I get stressed (out), ..

Kim, It probably has (a little) something with my thinking getting a little more clear these days maybe, but I'd swear; what you have to say is more insightful and encouraging than EVER !
I really relate to what you said about "just being " today, in sobriety. That wouldn't of flown with me in the past either.

American Girl, LUCKY GIRL !! Great to hear that meeting was a good one !?! Sounds like a topic I need to hear about, for sure. More determined than ever to attend some whenever I can get up to the "big city" ...ATL.
At the risk of sounding like Mr. Positive-Thinking Psyco-Babbler,

Maybe I can try to explain the low expectations thing;

A strong work ethic, to me, is really important. I guess the distinction I (try to make, anyway) is the results of whatever I'm attempting to do. ........Some folks may say , "wow, he sure does have high expectations of himself " ,but really I just have more like;-- some particular progressive ideals I've choosen to work toward ....and ; hopefully, the results will speak for themselves, ..or not. If I keep expectations for future results very high, then, for me;
it almost becomes me thinking I can control outcomes (realities) in the future,

causing me, unnecessary anxiety, in the process

........rather than just taking credit for the first part of the equation;
My willingness to work for a (unique to me ), progressive ideal
( the part I actually DO HAVE a good bit of control over )

It's just a distinction I have to remind myself of, from time to time, when I'm erroneously imagining I can control the outcome of things, .....since, on the surface, it sometimes appears that way.

1) TS decides to do X (in good faith )
2) TS works hard to accomplish X (in more good intention)
3) If X turns out to be a success ! TS is:
or , if X turns out to be a failure ?!? TS is :
....or, if X is something in between. , TS is just

I guess the comforting idea (just in case, if/when #3 turns out to be a dismal failure !! )
......... #1 & 2 are; by far, the only things I can rationally take 100% responsibility (and credit) for, and #3 is just the natural result of 1 & 2 .
Whew ! That's all the babble I got !! LO



Great post , Rev. ....you know how to "cut to the chase"

Wow, school has already started around here. Sobriety in the Fall must be right around the corner for us. ODAAT ,

I just love the Fall, I guess.

Andi

Hey peeps,

I've read through everything that's been written since my last post, so many inspiring word! So many things I want to respond to, but I know I'm gonna forget half of what I want to say one sentence away from now. But I'll try.

- UBC: I agree totally, all that profit being made out of unhappy & broken people is just not love. I totally get that someone who's helping others also has bills that need to get payed, kids & family to take care of etc. I have no problem with that, but there's a billion dollar industry out there solely built on desperation and if there was a dislike button for that, I'd hit it hard!

- Ghostly: I hear you, I don't dramatize not drinking either, if a dramatic story is what they were looking for, all they have to do is turn on the news. But I do feel the difference when someone is asking me questions as a means to figure out where they stand themselves, in that case I don't mind going into it a little bit deeper.

- And AG: Yeah the obnoxious...was working at an event friday evening and the BF of a girl I know offered champagne, which I turned down. He was like oh, how boring and what's wrong with you etc. I could feel was I was firm in my center, body and mind. It didn't even bother me, the guy was just trying to win something (whatever it was in his mind). Later he offered me another drink, but when I said no he was very quick to add "non-alcoholic".

- Kmber: Glad to hear those hormones are doing what they're supposed to be doing haha! And thanks for those amazing posts, when people seek you out for advice I'm sure they feel that rising strength and sense of peace!

- Oz: congrats on that permanency, way to go!

- Topspin: I've been trying to get myself up a bit earlier in the mornings to get some excercise in, so far no good. But I keep setting the clock early haha.

- MyGray: Glad you're doing a lot of stuff to keep going forward,10lb, that's great! I do hope the urges will settle down soon.

- NicaChic: Welcome to these parts of SR ;-)) 100 days is a major WooHoo!!

- Rev: "Sobriety, how boring it isn't"....luuved that!

Rev

It looks like the posting is slowing down somewhat in this thread. I hope everyone is doing well. As for me, I'm still hanging in there.

Rev

AmericanGirl

Glad to hear it, Rev. Any new discoveries on the recovery journey?

I'm in a good mood this morning. The stress of the last few weeks is abating, since my time is freeing up. Soon, I go on vacation with my family. This is a stress -- as you guys might remember from my posts in June, they're heavy drinkers (not my place to diagnose). I am feeling more confident this time and I am hopeful that I will have the opportunity to speak to them more openly about my abstaining. If they aren't 100% supportive--which is 99% likely--I think I can handle it now! Back in June, I wasn't so sure. I'll have my little netbook with me, and will be checking in here a lot . . . my 4 month mark will fall during the trip, so that's an exciting thing for me to keep in mind.

I hope everyone is doing well. Even though it's not as much of a daily challenge now, I definitely want to think about recovery every day to make sure I heal carefully and fully. Thank you for being there with me.

Rev

Not too much. I have been exploring my issues with avoidance / procrastination alot lately, and I think I'm starting to understand more about how that works. I read an article that I will share, for anyone that is interested: Demand Sensitivity and Demand Resistance | Procrastinators Anonymous I found it eye-opening.

I do have a trip to Las Vegas coming up in a couple of weeks, tho, and that has me a bit on edge. I keep having this recurring thought, "What gets drank in Vegas, STAYS in Vegas." LOL. I feel fortunate to have made it through so much temptation the last month, as it makes me feel better prepared. We're not staying on the Strip, so it's not in the middle of party-central, and that will help. I don't gamble, either, so no free drink offers. Maybe I'll hide out in the hotel spa.

I'll let everyone know how it goes.

Rev

Andi

It is slowing down here, I too hope everybody's well.

Thanks for sharing that article Rev.
I totally get this, in some situations it applied to very much so. Maybe it still applies to me, but less obvious and I'd have to think it over.

But especially while still drinking it would come out stronger:

- you shouldn't drive anymore (demand) --> of course I can, I'm perfectly fine (reactive)

- you should go home, you have to get up early (demand) --> of course I don't, I can handle it (reactive)

Those are things that come to mind right away. While the demands were being made for my own good and safety, I would rebel and even turn it up a notch. I would hurt myself more, in order not to feel controlled, mmhh kinda twisted.
I never rebelled as a teenager. I guess made up for that as an "adult"

So what I wrote above is not really about procrastination I guess, unless it was procrastinating to take care of myself?
Any other thoughts?

Rev

I don't think it necessarily has to apply to just procrastination. I can remember getting bad grades just because it pissed off my parents. I did it by not doing the work, which became a pretty bad procrastination habit later in life, but it could just as easily taken another form. I think it's all in how you react to "have to" feelings. For me, it's often avoidance, in the form of procrastination. However, avoidance is a common theme in drinking, too.

Rev

MyGraySkies

I'm still here, this entire week has been spent doing the spring cleaning I didn't do this spring due to being drunk/detoxing/trying to get myself back to semi normal. Me and the kids have made major progress with going through boxes, throwing out junk, cleaning everything in the house. We should have company coming for a few days next week, it'll be nice to NOT be embarrassed by my dusty cluttered house or my alcoholism and trying to hide it. The weight loss challenge is going well, I'm down a total of 17 lbs now and have probably put my treadmill into shock since it hasn't been used in so long til now. I have about 60ish more pounds total to lose total, sure would be nice to celebrate a year of sobriety next spring back at a weight I'm happy and comfortable at.

Thank you all for your posts. The insight I get from reading your posts is helpful, encouraging, and comforting. I hope everyone is doing well.

Ghostly

AG - It's great you're doing so well. Enjoy your 4 month mark. Isn't it great not to have to hide drinking? I'm on a weekend get away with family. Not only do I not have to hide my drinking...I turn down drinks. For some reason they offered me a beer tonight?! Not sure why. Anyway...enjoy your trip!

Glad you are doing well too Rev.

Andi - You getting up earlier yet? Glad you're well.

Nice job on the weight loss MGS! I hope we're all here next Spring celebrating good things!

Rev

Congrats!! That's alot of great progress! Weight loss can be tough, especially when there are other stresses, so my hat's off to you.

Rev

AmericanGirl

Rev, I remember in my ealiest days here you were concerned about your procrastination sitch and I'm glad to see you are still working on this and finding new resources etc. Although procrastination is not a huge problem for me I definitely relate to having these other problems pop up in sobriety and working on them is a whole big offshoot . . like a weed that managed to grow unnoticed while the other problem, with alcohol, was thriving.

Andi -- I relate to what you said about control in your post. And though I rebelled as a teenager, I sometimes think I didn't rebel enough or in the right ways. But now we can be rebels in a more radical way, no?

MyGray, great work getting your house in order. That can feel so rewarding.! And congratulations on your progress, fitness-wise. I am in a similar boat, also losing weight with a considerable longterm goal in mind, so I'm here with you -- pm me if you ever want to talk about it.

Ghostly, strange to hear about your family offering beer. Glad you handled it well & I hope they are going to be considerate and respectful and everything. My family members have very wonky ideas about drinking, but the trip is going okay (need to escape briefly today, but I came back centered). It's good to keep in mind that I have allowed myself to think about this and gain introspection quite a bit . . . and I don't know whether or not they have.

UBC, great list above. I also marvel at how this cycle happened. . . how how how? And those are good reasons to explain why. And somehow I feel like I have no idea how I got aware enough to stop it. I just know I feel grateful that I did, and had help.

Keeping everyone in my thoughts.

Ghostly

UBC - Like your idea about livening things up with fall coming. Fall would be, and prob is, my favorite season. Although I hate it's followed by very cold Wisconsin winters. I love Halloween, my favorite holiday. It started cooling off here yesterday in a good way.

Tell ya what though...you can keep your paragliding! I think it's great you like it, and it sounds really relaxing (for you). I could honestly say though at this point I would NEVER do that. I hate heights. I'll keep cruisin on my bike for my natural high.

AG - Nice job on the weight loss for you too. Consistency is the key and I like your long term goal.

Almost fall y'all!

topspin

Glad to hear everyone's hanging in there.

Just returned home last night from spending time up in Tenn. and got to see my twin (6 month old) Granddaughters for the first time !! They just moved East , so the 8 hour drive feels like next door practically.

Sobriety feels so good this past month or so. I'm gradually feeling a little more confident and willing to take some chances creatively. Something , almost totally destroyed with the last years of my using.

Thanks for the posts, you guys.

.

Kmber2010

Hi All-

Doing good here and reading everyone's posts. You inspire me and I am so glad to see how we are handling these ups and downs. My hat is off to you.

I have been feeling exhausted (pg related) so I am not in too much of a posting mood.....work hours are long again and I am just too darn tired lately.

Stay strong guys