Wow everyone....I love the good vibes and all this talk of outdoor adventures!
I miss doing all of that and have been trying hard to stay positive here lately but I am just burning out and done with living over here. Germany is a beautiful place and blah blah but it royally sucks when you don't have much money and a POS vehicle that you fear will break down. Every weekend people post on FB about going to this festival and that one since its Wine Festival time and Oktoberfest is right around the corner but for the alcoholic....WTF isn't there anything else. Yes.....living here is very much drinking related.
I also rant that I haven't been to anything awesome really like Berlin, Paris, Munich, Rome, etc. because my husband can't get time off and everything IS that expensive. The euro kills us, like I said earlier our vehicle is not trustworthy to travel the distance and if it breaks down what do I do? Seriously....it isn't like I can go to a Ford dealership here and get the part and I don't have AAA here....LOL. So I am a bit screwed in that sense. The best way for me to travel to nice places is to save up and do the local tours but they hose the Americans here.
I am sorry but totally in a rant right now. I am ok but I am just done man....just done.
I am thinking of how much $$$ to buy baby stuff which obviously I am nearing the midway point in this pregnancy that I have to start buying and it is expensive. I haven't bought one baby thing (I know shocking right) and I haven't bought any maternity clothes which is now becoming a problem as the belly is growing.
I resigned from my job.....necessary evil. I was too stressed from it and I physically couldn't do the work. I was getting sick from working there and I had to make the decision to part ways.
My past baby appt was good but there is concern. One is that I haven't gained any weight and I even have lost a little too. The other is I am having on and off cramping but it was worse with the lifting of my special needs kids at work so now hoping to just take it easy.
I know this sounds down guys but I am ok. I have to effing vent since I don't have really anyone in my life to do that with right now. I am not going to settle on people just to have folks in my life. That was part of the problem I did when I drank. I befriended people who really weren't the kind of people I should have had in my life. They only upset me and I used that to fuel (as I did with almost everything back then) my drinking.
I have 150 days sober today gang. I am happy and proud of my 5 months. Busted my arse but have no one to share with as well except for you my friends. For those who do know of my sobriety.....hell they just don't ever ask or bring it up ever. Like I am just magically cured. My own husband doesn't ask.....even though he is supportive and loving.....he isn't an alcoholic and doesn't understand.
I have an appt with my counselor this week so sure to get all this out and talk and break it down to understand but I feel like my freaking counselor and SR is my social life now. It prob sounds sad but he gets it and you do. No one else does and I don't want to bring it up because I know I will look for a desired answer and when it doesn't meet what I expect I will be pissed off.
I know what bugs me and I work with it or around it. Part of me says just get out and take all these folks up on their offers. Other side of me says....but look in the 5 months of focusing on you and changing your life.....all the positives.
The positives in being the way I look at life and the way I perceive myself. I am stronger then I have been in years and resigning from this gig (for an example) is something I never would have done before - drink or no drink. This where my recovery and lifestyle change comes into play. I am here obviously venting in this particular update but I spent years (def. drove the drinking) of being scared to stand up....to make a decision....worrying about what others think. That is part of the reason I for now am riding this early recovery and not really getting to the social element of it. I don't know what I hope to find in people I surround myself with but I have to get myself grounded first.
My counselor gave me some input when I discussed the stresses and potential dangers of my job to the baby and goes....Kim, you have lived too many years doing for others and NOT doing for yourself. Holy Heffers Batman! He got it and I sat there thinking....I have done this for years. For all those years with my ex (worst mistake of my life).....I retrained myself to shut up, deal with things I didn't like, suck it up....and try and please him and then it extended to EVERYTHING in my life. Do for my parents....Do for my brother, friends. Eventually I lost self esteem and any identity I had and all this while as I changed....I leaned on the bottle to cope and to numb and to pacify. The more I did this the more it became easier to belittle myself and to lose all self worth.
That my friends is what I am getting in this journey. Realizing how I allowed myself (with the wonderful aid of alcohol) to think I was worthless and bad things were my fault....I was the failure and never anyone else. I can fix everyone and of course that is impossible and tried to do what everyone else expected of me. I was used and abused....not physically but you get where I am going.
So where I am at is embracing making my decisions for myself and doing what is right for me. I am working hard everyday on retraining myself to stop doing things for others. It causes me moments of anger....like the last few days and it causes me moments of tremendous joy.
Ok....enough rambling here. I wanted everyone to know where I am and while I am secure as anything in my quest....sobriety is so so sooooo much more for me then just quitting drinking. It is everything underneath that drove it and fueled it that I am working on. Man I am tired from this work but if I don't get with the program and get beyond this old crappy attitude.....nothing my friends will change. Doesn't mean I will turn to the bottle but I would foolish to think that 5 months sober can fix the 10 years of hell.
It's funny I suppose because there are things in my life that I will never look at the same again. I am not the drunk nor am I the person before that......I am something new now and a combination of the good, bad and ugly. I lost that innocence and I think that those who have never had an addiction are innocent in a way. I am getting situated in this new me and finding a new life to go with it.
Plus add being a mommy to be after this crazy ride I have been on is another factor of change.
Huggs my friends and I am so proud to take this enlightening journey with all of you.
Kim