Codependency and Beyond Part 3
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
(((HG)))..I am so sorry to hear that your teacher is not able to be more professional in her role...
Her personal remarks to you are completely unwarranted but unfortunately not uncommon in that environment.
It is clear enough to me that you are giving it your all and then some....the excessive stressload seems to come with the job but I hope you can find your way to some peace with yourself regarding everyone else's expectations of you. Remember... We are enough... mega hugs
Her personal remarks to you are completely unwarranted but unfortunately not uncommon in that environment.
It is clear enough to me that you are giving it your all and then some....the excessive stressload seems to come with the job but I hope you can find your way to some peace with yourself regarding everyone else's expectations of you. Remember... We are enough... mega hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Western N.Y.
Posts: 595
HG, I apologize for what seemed to be accusations directed toward you. I was not referring
that you are not giving all you are able to considering your workload. The main objective
of my post was strictly pointing the teachers responsibility, After reading your last post,
I now understand more of your situation concerning this teacher and her attitude toward you. Again this was not to criticize your effort, but to bring out some positive motives of your teacher, now with more information, I would not have written everything that I did.
that you are not giving all you are able to considering your workload. The main objective
of my post was strictly pointing the teachers responsibility, After reading your last post,
I now understand more of your situation concerning this teacher and her attitude toward you. Again this was not to criticize your effort, but to bring out some positive motives of your teacher, now with more information, I would not have written everything that I did.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by grateful2b 
(((HG)))..it is not ours to know whether you have done your best or whether your professor knows or not whether you are producing to the best of your ability ...we cannot determine the situation from here nor is it ours to determine..that is yours to know and decide..
:ghug3 HG
:ghug3 HG
this is a thread with the focus on supporting one another in our daily lives as they relate to our codie issues...
you can vent all you need to HG, dear, and it is not our place to decide whether you are doing your best or not, but to support YOU...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((HG)) - here's to your advisor 
Well, from the awesome sharing day with Brit the other day, it ended up with her, Brandon and Brooke (Brit's best friend) smoking weed in Brit's room last night
I posted about it on the friends/family forum. I knew it was coming, since both Brit and Brandon had been talking about smoking it and Brandon had told me he wanted some weed. I just told them they were being stupid, since I could smell it, so could anyone else.
I got a lot of feedback, and as expected, several people think I was too soft. I'm okay with this. I did what I was comfortable with. Having Brit taken away by DFACS is NOT an option I'm comfortable with, nor is starting WWIII with my stepsister because her son was also doing it. This isn't my house, so I can't pull the "my house, my rules" thing.
I know it won't happen again. Just the threat of telling dad will scare Brit to death, and Brandon is going in the Air Force, so his partying days are limited.
Other than that, all is well. They came and changed our cable/internet service this morning, so I HAD no internet. I took advantage of it and did one of my school books. Made a 95, only because I typed in the wrong answer At least it's got me motivated again, and I'll soon be like DeVon and buried in school books!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Well, from the awesome sharing day with Brit the other day, it ended up with her, Brandon and Brooke (Brit's best friend) smoking weed in Brit's room last night
I posted about it on the friends/family forum. I knew it was coming, since both Brit and Brandon had been talking about smoking it and Brandon had told me he wanted some weed. I just told them they were being stupid, since I could smell it, so could anyone else.I got a lot of feedback, and as expected, several people think I was too soft. I'm okay with this. I did what I was comfortable with. Having Brit taken away by DFACS is NOT an option I'm comfortable with, nor is starting WWIII with my stepsister because her son was also doing it. This isn't my house, so I can't pull the "my house, my rules" thing.
I know it won't happen again. Just the threat of telling dad will scare Brit to death, and Brandon is going in the Air Force, so his partying days are limited.
Other than that, all is well. They came and changed our cable/internet service this morning, so I HAD no internet. I took advantage of it and did one of my school books. Made a 95, only because I typed in the wrong answer
At least it's got me motivated again, and I'll soon be like DeVon and buried in school books!Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Western N.Y.
Posts: 595
HG. I hope there might be some way you could step back and instead of putting your nose any more on the grindstone, you could look for and examine any other option to lesson the pressure you are now under. I do understand what you forcing yourself to accomplish, and I want to support you any way that I can, not for anyone else, but for own self esteem.
Most of my first post was in refrence to myself, and the instructors that helped me find
discipline, confidence in my abilities, and self worth. I am now retired but still working part time, taking courses to catch up on some of the latest technology, doing research and design for now, while looking at the future for putting my designs into actual development. Many times I wanted to give up, knowing I didn't need to put myself under this kind of pressure, but for many years I had a dream of doing exactly what I am doing, and I knew anything worthwhile doesn't come easy. I apply some of that discipline that I was taught and I stick it out until I get my next inspiration, and then I am very happy that I did.
Most of my first post was in refrence to myself, and the instructors that helped me find
discipline, confidence in my abilities, and self worth. I am now retired but still working part time, taking courses to catch up on some of the latest technology, doing research and design for now, while looking at the future for putting my designs into actual development. Many times I wanted to give up, knowing I didn't need to put myself under this kind of pressure, but for many years I had a dream of doing exactly what I am doing, and I knew anything worthwhile doesn't come easy. I apply some of that discipline that I was taught and I stick it out until I get my next inspiration, and then I am very happy that I did.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((HG)) - just to let you know...I'm trying NOT to beat myself up for only making a 95 and not 100 on my test. Progress....not perfection...repeat after me
If we say it often enough, maybe it will sink in?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
If we say it often enough, maybe it will sink in?Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
April 3
Acceptance
Surrender to the moment. Ride it out and through, for all it's worth. Throw yourself into it.
Stop resisting.
So much of our anguish is created when we are in resistance. So much relief, release, and change are possible when we accept, simply accept.
We waste our time, expend our energy, and make things harder by resisting, repressing, and denying. Repressing our thoughts will not make them disappear. Repressing a thought already formed will not make us a better person. Think it. Let it come into reality. Then release it. A thought is not forever. If we don't like it, we can think another one or change it. But to do that, we must accept and release the first thought.
Resistance and repression will not change a thing. They will put us at war with our thoughts.
We make life harder by resisting and repressing our feelings. No matter how dark, how uncomfortable, how unjustified, how surprising, how "inappropriate" we might deem our feelings, resisting and repressing them will not free us from them. Doing that will make them worse. They will swirl inside us, torment us, make is sick, make our body ache, compel us to do compulsive things, keep us awake, or put us asleep.
In the final analysis, all that we're really called on to do is accept our feelings by feeling them, and saying, "yes, this is what I feel."
Feelings are for the present moment. The more quickly we can accept a feeling, the more quickly we will move on to the next.
Resisting or repressing thoughts and feelings does not change us or turn us into the person we want to be or think we should be. It puts us in resistance to reality. It makes us repressed. Eventually, it makes us depressed.
Resisting events or circumstances in our life does not change things, no matter how undesirable the events or circumstances may be.
Acceptance turns us into the person we are and want to be. Acceptance empowers the event and circumstances to turn around for the better.
What do we do if we're in resistance, in a tug-of-war with some reality in our life? Accepting our resistance can help us get through that too.
Acceptance does not mean we're giving our approval. It does not mean surrender to the will and plans of another. It does not mean commitment. It is not forever. It is for the present moment, Acceptance does not make things harder; it makes things easier. Acceptance does not mean we accept abuse or mistreatment; it does not mean we forego ourselves, our boundaries, hopes, dreams, desires, or wants. It means we accept what is, so we know what to do to take care of ourselves and what boundaries we need to set. It means we accept what is and who we are at the moment, so we are free to change and grow.
Acceptance and surrender move us forward on this journey. Force does not work.
Acceptance and surrender - two concepts that hurt the most before we do them.
Today, I will practice accepting myself and my present circumstances. I will begin to watch and trust the magic that acceptance can bring into my life and recovery.
April 3
Acceptance
Surrender to the moment. Ride it out and through, for all it's worth. Throw yourself into it.
Stop resisting.
So much of our anguish is created when we are in resistance. So much relief, release, and change are possible when we accept, simply accept.
We waste our time, expend our energy, and make things harder by resisting, repressing, and denying. Repressing our thoughts will not make them disappear. Repressing a thought already formed will not make us a better person. Think it. Let it come into reality. Then release it. A thought is not forever. If we don't like it, we can think another one or change it. But to do that, we must accept and release the first thought.
Resistance and repression will not change a thing. They will put us at war with our thoughts.
We make life harder by resisting and repressing our feelings. No matter how dark, how uncomfortable, how unjustified, how surprising, how "inappropriate" we might deem our feelings, resisting and repressing them will not free us from them. Doing that will make them worse. They will swirl inside us, torment us, make is sick, make our body ache, compel us to do compulsive things, keep us awake, or put us asleep.
In the final analysis, all that we're really called on to do is accept our feelings by feeling them, and saying, "yes, this is what I feel."
Feelings are for the present moment. The more quickly we can accept a feeling, the more quickly we will move on to the next.
Resisting or repressing thoughts and feelings does not change us or turn us into the person we want to be or think we should be. It puts us in resistance to reality. It makes us repressed. Eventually, it makes us depressed.
Resisting events or circumstances in our life does not change things, no matter how undesirable the events or circumstances may be.
Acceptance turns us into the person we are and want to be. Acceptance empowers the event and circumstances to turn around for the better.
What do we do if we're in resistance, in a tug-of-war with some reality in our life? Accepting our resistance can help us get through that too.
Acceptance does not mean we're giving our approval. It does not mean surrender to the will and plans of another. It does not mean commitment. It is not forever. It is for the present moment, Acceptance does not make things harder; it makes things easier. Acceptance does not mean we accept abuse or mistreatment; it does not mean we forego ourselves, our boundaries, hopes, dreams, desires, or wants. It means we accept what is, so we know what to do to take care of ourselves and what boundaries we need to set. It means we accept what is and who we are at the moment, so we are free to change and grow.
Acceptance and surrender move us forward on this journey. Force does not work.
Acceptance and surrender - two concepts that hurt the most before we do them.
Today, I will practice accepting myself and my present circumstances. I will begin to watch and trust the magic that acceptance can bring into my life and recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
Today, I will practice accepting myself and my present circumstances..its funny how somedays this comes fairly easy and other days I really struggle with it.
Yesterday I was feeling out of sorts, and feeling overwhelmed..then when I got thinking about it, I realized I was doing that codie thing of picking up others feelings and taking them on myself and letting it take my peace away.
First there were two different conversations on the phone with family members who were feeling down and not too hopeful. Then I went for a visit with this lady and couldn't believe how angry she was with the world, very negative. I felt bad for her thats she hanging onto so much anger. So I felt very drained and almost was feeling angry myself...I was thinking of the prayer "Lord, make me a channel of thy peace, that where there is hatred, I may bring love..." I not really sure how to deal with someone like that.. anyway I am ok today and back to taking care of myself instead of people-pleasing...
Yesterday I was feeling out of sorts, and feeling overwhelmed..then when I got thinking about it, I realized I was doing that codie thing of picking up others feelings and taking them on myself and letting it take my peace away.
First there were two different conversations on the phone with family members who were feeling down and not too hopeful. Then I went for a visit with this lady and couldn't believe how angry she was with the world, very negative. I felt bad for her thats she hanging onto so much anger. So I felt very drained and almost was feeling angry myself...I was thinking of the prayer "Lord, make me a channel of thy peace, that where there is hatred, I may bring love..." I not really sure how to deal with someone like that.. anyway I am ok today and back to taking care of myself instead of people-pleasing...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I guess I struggled with the acceptance thing, a little bit, this week with Brit. I posted about the situation, and got a lot of feedback. Many think I should have been tougher on her, and I understand. However, I'm comfortable with the way I handled it and I had to accept that yes, I let her "get away" with something, and I KNOW better, I did what I felt was right, in my gut, and just let it go.
I got a very good reminder that taking care of ME is a good thing! I ended up taking BOTH my days off! It was pouring down rain and I just didn't want to get out in it..felt like I was setting myself up for some idiot to run into me (a little more PTSD?) I still have enough time to do the merchandising work the rest of the month.
I realized I haven't done any school work in SIX MONTHS, so tackled both books and got them done...95 on the first, 100 on the 2nd Also got the paperwork done to get my transcripts to the school.
I checked my checking account, today, and realized that I've paid back my credit card the amount I put on it for the body shop, have paid all the bills that are due, ordered new shoes for work (my nephews new puppy chewed a hole in them, and I needed new ones anyway but had put off ordering them) and I STILL haven't put the $500 check in the bank from the insurance company!
I racked my brain, convinced I was missing a bill, but I'm not. I go back to work tonight, and have a week of tips coming in. I'm not bragging, I am simply amazed. It's like after all these months of struggling, working all the time and paying bills ahead when I can, a little ray of sunshine has decided to shine down on me.
I'm quitting smoking tomorrow...going to get the patches on the way to work tonight. This will be a huge challenge, but I'm going to throw all my recovery tools at it, and as a friend of mine here, recommended, I just may throw the toolBOX at it, too. I am using the money to settle on a collection account, which will end up saving me $3000. Last time I tried to quit, it was all about money. This time, I think, my heart's in it, so wish me luck.
On another good note, I hear Brit commenting on things that she has picked up from me and my codie recovery. We're still working on the forgiveness thing with her dad, but she's learned how to not get in the middle of her best friend and best friend's sister's arguments, as well as those between my stepsister and stepmom. It's the little things, like this, that make me realize my actions DO have an impact.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I got a very good reminder that taking care of ME is a good thing! I ended up taking BOTH my days off! It was pouring down rain and I just didn't want to get out in it..felt like I was setting myself up for some idiot to run into me (a little more PTSD?) I still have enough time to do the merchandising work the rest of the month.
I realized I haven't done any school work in SIX MONTHS, so tackled both books and got them done...95 on the first, 100 on the 2nd
Also got the paperwork done to get my transcripts to the school. I checked my checking account, today, and realized that I've paid back my credit card the amount I put on it for the body shop, have paid all the bills that are due, ordered new shoes for work (my nephews new puppy chewed a hole in them, and I needed new ones anyway but had put off ordering them) and I STILL haven't put the $500 check in the bank from the insurance company!
I racked my brain, convinced I was missing a bill, but I'm not. I go back to work tonight, and have a week of tips coming in. I'm not bragging, I am simply amazed. It's like after all these months of struggling, working all the time and paying bills ahead when I can, a little ray of sunshine has decided to shine down on me.
I'm quitting smoking tomorrow...going to get the patches on the way to work tonight. This will be a huge challenge, but I'm going to throw all my recovery tools at it, and as a friend of mine here, recommended, I just may throw the toolBOX at it, too. I am using the money to settle on a collection account, which will end up saving me $3000. Last time I tried to quit, it was all about money. This time, I think, my heart's in it, so wish me luck.
On another good note, I hear Brit commenting on things that she has picked up from me and my codie recovery. We're still working on the forgiveness thing with her dad, but she's learned how to not get in the middle of her best friend and best friend's sister's arguments, as well as those between my stepsister and stepmom. It's the little things, like this, that make me realize my actions DO have an impact.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I am living this. I believe my on again off again husband and I are not going to be together forever, but for now, I live in his garage, I vacation with him, and we are friends. It will not be easy to leave again, and I am not ready yet, but I accept that today I feel that I will eventually leave.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 95
Happy so-called springtime to all! It warmed above freezing today and didn't snow, and the sun was shining so there was a warm sense of hope in the air that winter might actually end someday. It's been a long winter but now all signs point to spring. Seedlings are germinating in the greenhouse, the 50 chicks arrived on Monday and are growing fast, and I'm hopeful and happy for the future that lies ahead. Oh, it's fraught with concerns, really heavy concerns, but I know that I have the capacity to direct it somewhat, and more importantly, I have the power to choose how to deal with whatever comes my way. I've learned a LOT about acceptance over the past few years, with so many changes in my life, it's been necessary. And you know, acceptance is key to survival.
These sentences from the Acceptance reading say so much:
"(Acceptance) means we accept what is, so we know what to do to take care of ourselves and what boundaries we need to set. It means we accept what is and who we are at the moment, so we are free to change and grow."
We are FREE to change and grow! Living in the moment, we recognize what IS and work with that, to the best of our abilities.
(((Lisa))) my heart goes out to you. I struggled so long with a failed marriage, lived in a very sad state for so long, full of denial and avoidance and distrust, basically running scared. Kept a drug habit alive so to endure it. Not good. Only when I decided I needed to take charge of my life and make the changes necessary was I able to step forth on a healthier path. The new path continues to be a challenge, I still have much to learn, I still fight with so many internal struggles, but you know, it's so much better than living in fear and avoidance. And I still struggle with fear and avoidance even! It's so ingrained, hard to change. But possible, definitely. We learn and change and grow and adapt. Best to you on your journey.
Impurrfect, best to you too as you do what you need to do to quit smoking. You KNOW you'll be glad you did after the initial discomfort has passed. Oh I wish you well in this! I know it's hard. I didn't think I'd EVER be able to quit smoking pot, it was a daily habit, but finally the day came to quit, I got away from it physically for a week, and that was a strong enough start to continue. As for smoking cigarettes, when I was 10 weeks pregnant any and all desire for a cigarette faded quickly away, the things tasted horrible, I couldn't smoke even though my addiction was telling me to. Though I can't say I reccommend getting pregnant as a viable remedy to smoking...
SG, Grateful, HG, Jurneyman, Anna (you OK Anna? Haven't seen you here for a few days), and all, as always I wish you well, good reading from you here.
These sentences from the Acceptance reading say so much:
"(Acceptance) means we accept what is, so we know what to do to take care of ourselves and what boundaries we need to set. It means we accept what is and who we are at the moment, so we are free to change and grow."
We are FREE to change and grow! Living in the moment, we recognize what IS and work with that, to the best of our abilities.
(((Lisa))) my heart goes out to you. I struggled so long with a failed marriage, lived in a very sad state for so long, full of denial and avoidance and distrust, basically running scared. Kept a drug habit alive so to endure it. Not good. Only when I decided I needed to take charge of my life and make the changes necessary was I able to step forth on a healthier path. The new path continues to be a challenge, I still have much to learn, I still fight with so many internal struggles, but you know, it's so much better than living in fear and avoidance. And I still struggle with fear and avoidance even! It's so ingrained, hard to change. But possible, definitely. We learn and change and grow and adapt. Best to you on your journey.
Impurrfect, best to you too as you do what you need to do to quit smoking. You KNOW you'll be glad you did after the initial discomfort has passed. Oh I wish you well in this! I know it's hard. I didn't think I'd EVER be able to quit smoking pot, it was a daily habit, but finally the day came to quit, I got away from it physically for a week, and that was a strong enough start to continue. As for smoking cigarettes, when I was 10 weeks pregnant any and all desire for a cigarette faded quickly away, the things tasted horrible, I couldn't smoke even though my addiction was telling me to. Though I can't say I reccommend getting pregnant as a viable remedy to smoking...
SG, Grateful, HG, Jurneyman, Anna (you OK Anna? Haven't seen you here for a few days), and all, as always I wish you well, good reading from you here.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I actually "ended" my marriage 5 years ago. It was ok for me, very hard on him. Ive lived away from him for 2 of the last 5 years, and in the garage apartment the rest of the time. We are such good friends again, I just hate the thought of putting him through it (again><). If I could wake up and be madly in love. . .
but Ive been waiting for that to happen for years
but Ive been waiting for that to happen for years
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
April 4
Negotiating Conflicts
Recovery is about more than walking away. Sometimes it means learning to stay and deal. It's about building and maintaining relationships that work.
-Beyond Codependency
Problems and conflicts are part of life and relationships - with, friends, family, loved ones, and at work. Problem solving and conflict negotiation are skills we can acquire and improve with time.
Not being willing to tackle and solve problems in relationships leads to unresolved feelings of anger and victimization, terminated relationships, unresolved problems, and power plays that intensify the problem and waste time and energy.
Not being willing to face and solve problems means we may run into that problem again.
Some problems with people cannot be worked out in mutually satisfactory ways. Sometimes the problem is a boundary issue we have, and there is not room to negotiate.
In that case, we need to clearly understand what we want and need and what our bottom line is.
Some problems with people, though, can be worked through, and satisfactorily negotiated. Often, there are workable options for solving problems that we will not even see until we become open to the concept of working through problems in relationships, rather than running from the problems.
To negotiate problems, we must be willing to identify the problem, let go of blame and shame, and focus on possible creative solutions. To successfully negotiate and solve problems in relationships, we must have a sense of our bottom line and our boundary issues, so we don't waste time trying to negotiate non-negotiable issues.
We need to learn to identify what both people really want and need and the different possibilities for working that out. We can learn to be flexible without being too flexible. Committed, intimate relationships mean two people are learning to work together through their problems and conflicts in ways that work in both people's best interest.
Today, I will be open to negotiating conflicts I have with people. I will strive for balance without being too submissive or too demanding. I will strive for appropriate flexibility in my problem-solving efforts.
April 4
Negotiating Conflicts
Recovery is about more than walking away. Sometimes it means learning to stay and deal. It's about building and maintaining relationships that work.
-Beyond Codependency
Problems and conflicts are part of life and relationships - with, friends, family, loved ones, and at work. Problem solving and conflict negotiation are skills we can acquire and improve with time.
Not being willing to tackle and solve problems in relationships leads to unresolved feelings of anger and victimization, terminated relationships, unresolved problems, and power plays that intensify the problem and waste time and energy.
Not being willing to face and solve problems means we may run into that problem again.
Some problems with people cannot be worked out in mutually satisfactory ways. Sometimes the problem is a boundary issue we have, and there is not room to negotiate.
In that case, we need to clearly understand what we want and need and what our bottom line is.
Some problems with people, though, can be worked through, and satisfactorily negotiated. Often, there are workable options for solving problems that we will not even see until we become open to the concept of working through problems in relationships, rather than running from the problems.
To negotiate problems, we must be willing to identify the problem, let go of blame and shame, and focus on possible creative solutions. To successfully negotiate and solve problems in relationships, we must have a sense of our bottom line and our boundary issues, so we don't waste time trying to negotiate non-negotiable issues.
We need to learn to identify what both people really want and need and the different possibilities for working that out. We can learn to be flexible without being too flexible. Committed, intimate relationships mean two people are learning to work together through their problems and conflicts in ways that work in both people's best interest.
Today, I will be open to negotiating conflicts I have with people. I will strive for balance without being too submissive or too demanding. I will strive for appropriate flexibility in my problem-solving efforts.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
((Amy))...I am excited for you that you are going to quit smoking!....I am rooting for you
and I am so happy that you are finally getting to enjoy having a little surplus green..
how wonderful that you are seeing how your recovery is rubbing of on Brit...super!
(((SG)))...
I am holding my own in my little spot...walking a fine line in supporting my daughter in her recovery while tending to me..so far so good...as we are spending a lot of time together...I know what is mine and what isn't...
I am feeling so numb about my mom...just trying to let it all unfold...it is so different from when my Dad passed...I was so much closer to him all my life, but it is my mom whose passing I am having a harder time with...
Although we were able to enjoy a really good relationship for a number of years, and a really lovely women's friendship in the last year of her life...for most of my life, we were estranged, and I think that is maybe why, it is so much harder to lose her...
:ghug everyone!
and I am so happy that you are finally getting to enjoy having a little surplus green..
how wonderful that you are seeing how your recovery is rubbing of on Brit...super!
(((SG)))...
I am holding my own in my little spot...walking a fine line in supporting my daughter in her recovery while tending to me..so far so good...as we are spending a lot of time together...I know what is mine and what isn't...
I am feeling so numb about my mom...just trying to let it all unfold...it is so different from when my Dad passed...I was so much closer to him all my life, but it is my mom whose passing I am having a harder time with...
Although we were able to enjoy a really good relationship for a number of years, and a really lovely women's friendship in the last year of her life...for most of my life, we were estranged, and I think that is maybe why, it is so much harder to lose her...
:ghug everyone!
Last edited by grateful2b; 04-04-2009 at 08:23 AM.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,521
Grateful,
I think that mother-daughter relationships are SO very hard, maybe the hardest of all relationships. There is so much emotion involved. Hopefully you will find your way through the grief, to a peaceful place with your mother's memory.
Amy, good luck with quitting smoking!
I think that mother-daughter relationships are SO very hard, maybe the hardest of all relationships. There is so much emotion involved. Hopefully you will find your way through the grief, to a peaceful place with your mother's memory.
Amy, good luck with quitting smoking!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Grateful))) - I think numb is normal, considering you and your mom's overall relationship. Your relationship with your parents is the exact opposite of mine..I was always close to my mom...dad, well only in the past few years. Just keep taking care of you.
So, the patch is on, and though I don't have actual cravings, I am missing the action of smoking, if that makes any sense.
Work was slow and Sonny came up there, for the 2nd time in a day to "borrow" money. He took a couple days off, as they just had baby #3 on Thu. I know he buys weed and beer, so I won't loan him any money. He's gotten so bad at this, neither will anyone else, even though he always pays it back. Everyone knows he is like my kid, but since I am enforcing boundaries, looks like everyone else if doing the same.
Wow, this recovery stuff really DOES affect my whole life, huh?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
So, the patch is on, and though I don't have actual cravings, I am missing the action of smoking, if that makes any sense.
Work was slow and Sonny came up there, for the 2nd time in a day to "borrow" money. He took a couple days off, as they just had baby #3 on Thu. I know he buys weed and beer, so I won't loan him any money. He's gotten so bad at this, neither will anyone else, even though he always pays it back. Everyone knows he is like my kid, but since I am enforcing boundaries, looks like everyone else if doing the same.
Wow, this recovery stuff really DOES affect my whole life, huh?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
you are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
April 5
Detaching In Love
Detachment is a key to recovery from codependency. It strengthens our healthy relationships - the ones that we want to grow and flourish. It benefits our difficult relationships - the ones that are teaching us to cope. It helps us!
Detachment is not something we do once. It's a daily behavior in recovery. We learn it when we're beginning our recovery from codependency and adult children issues. And we continue to practice it along the way as we grow and change, and as our relationships grow and change.
We learn to let go of people we love, people we like, and those we don't particularly care for. We separate ourselves, and our process, from others and their process.
We relinquish our tight hold and our need to control in our relationships. We take responsibility for ourselves; we allow others to do the same. We detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others and ourselves. The way life unfolds is good, even when it hurts. And ultimately, we do this with the understanding that a power greater than ourselves is in charge, and all is well.
Today, I will apply the concept of detachment, to the best of my ability, in my relationships. If I can't let go completely, I'll try to "hang on loose."
April 5
Detaching In Love
Detachment is a key to recovery from codependency. It strengthens our healthy relationships - the ones that we want to grow and flourish. It benefits our difficult relationships - the ones that are teaching us to cope. It helps us!
Detachment is not something we do once. It's a daily behavior in recovery. We learn it when we're beginning our recovery from codependency and adult children issues. And we continue to practice it along the way as we grow and change, and as our relationships grow and change.
We learn to let go of people we love, people we like, and those we don't particularly care for. We separate ourselves, and our process, from others and their process.
We relinquish our tight hold and our need to control in our relationships. We take responsibility for ourselves; we allow others to do the same. We detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others and ourselves. The way life unfolds is good, even when it hurts. And ultimately, we do this with the understanding that a power greater than ourselves is in charge, and all is well.
Today, I will apply the concept of detachment, to the best of my ability, in my relationships. If I can't let go completely, I'll try to "hang on loose."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
I do have to work on detachment everyday, as soon as I start thinking about someone's elses life and what I think they should be doing or not doing, then I know I have to let go and detach.
I like what it says in the reading "when we detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it need to, for others and for ourselves" that is comforting.
In a another reading it says, Detachment is a gift. It will be given to us when we are ready for it. When we set the other person free, we are set free.
I like what it says in the reading "when we detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it need to, for others and for ourselves" that is comforting.
In a another reading it says, Detachment is a gift. It will be given to us when we are ready for it. When we set the other person free, we are set free.
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