Codependency and Beyond Part 3
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,521
I'm glad you're doing better, Storm!
Amy, good for you with the 'no smoking'. I'm a 3-Cat Girl myself and it's awesome!
Fall, I love the idea of indulging yourself, now and then. It's so important to care for ourselves!
Amy, good for you with the 'no smoking'. I'm a 3-Cat Girl myself and it's awesome!
Fall, I love the idea of indulging yourself, now and then. It's so important to care for ourselves!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
Hello.. I hope you all don't mind me coming in so late in the thread. I'm just beginning to realize just how much of a CoDie I truly am. I have went back and read a lot of your post.... and I am so there. I have been up ALL NIGHT thinking about how, or even...can I set boundaries with my bf?? I am just so full of fear that if I set unmoving boundaries he will leave me. Now, this is nothing he ever said.. This fear is far deeper then my relationship with my bf. I did email him (can't manage to communicate hard things in person or even on the phone just yet) about my issues and my feelings about some stuff. And guess what??? He did not leave or even get angry. My fear of abandonment and of anger is just so real that I will NOT rock the boat. Even when I should have jumped ship long ago....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to our thread ((Kendra)). I stayed in a relationship for 20 years because of fear of abandonment, and I still don't really know why. It had nothing to do with my childhood and it was my "first love" so maybe that's it? Anyway, I know what you're going through. He was also a functioning alcoholic, so I learned how to be a really good codie.
This thread, as well as the friends and families threads (because my relationships were always with addicts/alcoholics) have been a lifesaver for me. I am finally realizing that I don't need anyone else to complete me...I'm perfectly fine, just as I am, and if someone leaves me, I'm STILL going to be okay. It's taken a while for me to get to this point, and a lot of baby steps, but it is worth it.
I hope you keep reading and posting.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
This thread, as well as the friends and families threads (because my relationships were always with addicts/alcoholics) have been a lifesaver for me. I am finally realizing that I don't need anyone else to complete me...I'm perfectly fine, just as I am, and if someone leaves me, I'm STILL going to be okay. It's taken a while for me to get to this point, and a lot of baby steps, but it is worth it.
I hope you keep reading and posting.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Welcome Kendra to our little corner...I am so glad to see you here...I really appreciate your fear of abandonment issues...they ruled my life for a very long time....keep coming here and sharing...and know that you can learn to set boundaries for yourself...baby steps...
((Fall)) thank you for your beautiful share!
((SG)) have a safe trip down east, you lucky girl
((Amy)) we are having snow here too, what is up with the universe?
IO
..I am glad you are feeling better...
((HG)) sending prayers that your meeting will be for your highest good...
Anna, Lisa, Mariposa:ghug2
((Fall)) thank you for your beautiful share!
((SG)) have a safe trip down east, you lucky girl
((Amy)) we are having snow here too, what is up with the universe?
IO
..I am glad you are feeling better...((HG)) sending prayers that your meeting will be for your highest good...
Anna, Lisa, Mariposa:ghug2
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
April 8
Self-care
I don't precisely know what you need to do to take care of yourself. But I know you can figure it out.
- Beyond Codependency
Rest when you're tired.
Take a drink of cold water when you're thristy.
Call a friend when you're lonely.
Ask God to help you when you feel overwhelmed.
Many of us have learned how to deprive and neglect ourselves. Many of us have learned to push ourselves hard, when the problem is that we're already pushed too hard.
Many of us are afraid the work won't get done if we rest when we're tired. The work will get done; it will be done better than work that emerges from tiredness of soul and spirit. Nurtured, nourished people, who love themselves and care for themselves, are the delight of the Universe.
They are well-timed, efficient, and Devinely led.
Today, I will practice loving self-care.
April 8
Self-care
I don't precisely know what you need to do to take care of yourself. But I know you can figure it out.
- Beyond Codependency
Rest when you're tired.
Take a drink of cold water when you're thristy.
Call a friend when you're lonely.
Ask God to help you when you feel overwhelmed.
Many of us have learned how to deprive and neglect ourselves. Many of us have learned to push ourselves hard, when the problem is that we're already pushed too hard.
Many of us are afraid the work won't get done if we rest when we're tired. The work will get done; it will be done better than work that emerges from tiredness of soul and spirit. Nurtured, nourished people, who love themselves and care for themselves, are the delight of the Universe.
They are well-timed, efficient, and Devinely led.
Today, I will practice loving self-care.
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,521
Welcome Kendra, like you, I didn't realize how codependent I was either. I was waiting for this thread to come along and offer support. Learning about establishing boundaries has been so amazing.
SG, have a wonderful time away and be sure to check in when you get home.
Grateful,
Once again, a wonderful reading. I was the person who pushed on, no matter what and neglected myself horribly. I hope I can make up for that now.
SG, have a wonderful time away and be sure to check in when you get home.
Grateful,
Once again, a wonderful reading. I was the person who pushed on, no matter what and neglected myself horribly. I hope I can make up for that now.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
A great, big, heartfelt welcome to Kendra! :ghug3:
Today's reading..was great.
Another reading..awhile back..I have quoted part of it since..I hope it's right, has helped
me so much..I have assimilated it..as I do shares and things that "jump off the page".
You know what I mean..lol.
"Hurry and indecision are our greatest enemies."
We don't have to rush..the right answers will come if we remain calm and allow our
thoughts to flow naturally. I have found that turning my day over early does
seem to make the day flow in decency and in order. Wow..what a difference from
"what it used to be like."
Hugs to everyone today. :ghug2:
Today's reading..was great.
Another reading..awhile back..I have quoted part of it since..I hope it's right, has helped
me so much..I have assimilated it..as I do shares and things that "jump off the page".
You know what I mean..lol.
"Hurry and indecision are our greatest enemies."
We don't have to rush..the right answers will come if we remain calm and allow our
thoughts to flow naturally. I have found that turning my day over early does
seem to make the day flow in decency and in order. Wow..what a difference from
"what it used to be like."
Hugs to everyone today. :ghug2:
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I must be on to something big here, if every third reading makes me cry hahah. It so funny, in a sad sort of way. All of these readings seem so OBVIOUS. So what the heck was wrong with me (us) that we couldn't figure this stuff out!?!
Nurtured, nourished people, who love themselves and care for themselves, are the delight of the Universe.
They are well-timed, efficient, and Devinely led.
THIS is who I want to be. I came home today so happy, so filled with bliss to be on this journey of healing and self discovery with all of you, and WHAM today's reading hits me between the eyes haha.
I love each and every one of you who participates in this thread. You, and my class of december, are changing my life.
Nurtured, nourished people, who love themselves and care for themselves, are the delight of the Universe.
They are well-timed, efficient, and Devinely led.
THIS is who I want to be. I came home today so happy, so filled with bliss to be on this journey of healing and self discovery with all of you, and WHAM today's reading hits me between the eyes haha.
I love each and every one of you who participates in this thread. You, and my class of december, are changing my life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I've been trying to do better on the self care thing, but I'm still taking baby steps, I think. I tend to not insist on resting until I'm about to drop from exhaustion.
I did my merchandising work for the day and was about to head home when I got a call from one of dad's buddy's who does the same type work dad does (expediting). Neither he or dad could deliver a small pkg 3 hours south of us, and he wanted me to do it.
I agreed, for a few reasons. He, like dad, is struggling, a lot, because people haven't paid HIM. We've always tried to help each other out when we can. I'm not desperate for this money (about $235). He'll pay me when he can, and it will be extra; easy money
drive a few hours; his daughter is an addict. She got out of prison, the end of last year, on his birthday and he was SOOO excited...told dad he was really hoping she would be "another Amy". Two days later she took off and he hasn't heard from her since, so I have a really soft spot for him.
Got home after 1a.m., stepmom wanted to give me 2 soma's (muscle relaxers) for one of my seroquel because she couldn't sleep. Don't know WHY I can't just say "no"...told her lortabs (which she abuses) causes insomnia, and that I am prescribed one seroquel per night...no extras. Then I wanted to kick myself for justifying myself. grrrrrrr.
Hugs and prayers1
Amy
I did my merchandising work for the day and was about to head home when I got a call from one of dad's buddy's who does the same type work dad does (expediting). Neither he or dad could deliver a small pkg 3 hours south of us, and he wanted me to do it.
I agreed, for a few reasons. He, like dad, is struggling, a lot, because people haven't paid HIM. We've always tried to help each other out when we can. I'm not desperate for this money (about $235). He'll pay me when he can, and it will be extra; easy money
drive a few hours; his daughter is an addict. She got out of prison, the end of last year, on his birthday and he was SOOO excited...told dad he was really hoping she would be "another Amy". Two days later she took off and he hasn't heard from her since, so I have a really soft spot for him.Got home after 1a.m., stepmom wanted to give me 2 soma's (muscle relaxers) for one of my seroquel because she couldn't sleep. Don't know WHY I can't just say "no"...told her lortabs (which she abuses) causes insomnia, and that I am prescribed one seroquel per night...no extras. Then I wanted to kick myself for justifying myself. grrrrrrr.
Hugs and prayers1
Amy
6Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
April 9
Giving
Learning to be a healthy giver can be a challenge. Many of us got caught up in compulsive giving - charitable acts motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligation, pity and moral superiority.
We now understand that caretaking and compulsive giving don't work. They backfire.
Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized.
Many of us gave too much, thinking we were doing things right; then as we became confused because our life and relationships weren't working. Many of us gave so much for so long, thinking we were doing God's will; then in recovery, we refused to give, care, or love for a time.
That's okay. Perhaps we needed a rest. But healthy giving is part of healthy living. The goal in recovery is balance - caring that is motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for ourselves and others.
The goal in recovery is to choose what we want to give, to whom, when, and how much. The goal in recovery is to give, and not feel victimized by our giving.
Are we giving because we want to, because it's our responsibility? Or are we giving because we feel obligated, guilty, ashamed, or superior? Are we giving because we feel afraid to say no?
Are the ways we try to assist people helpful, or do they prevent others from facing their true responsibilities?
Are we giving so that people will like us or feel obligated to us? Are we giving to prove we're worthy? Or are we giving because we want to give and it feels right?
Recovery includes a cycle of giving and receiving. It keeps healthy energy flowing among us, our Higher Power, and others. It takes time to learn how to give in healthy ways.
It takes time to learn to receive. Be patient. Balance will come.
God, please guide my giving and my motives today.
April 9
Giving
Learning to be a healthy giver can be a challenge. Many of us got caught up in compulsive giving - charitable acts motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligation, pity and moral superiority.
We now understand that caretaking and compulsive giving don't work. They backfire.
Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized.
Many of us gave too much, thinking we were doing things right; then as we became confused because our life and relationships weren't working. Many of us gave so much for so long, thinking we were doing God's will; then in recovery, we refused to give, care, or love for a time.
That's okay. Perhaps we needed a rest. But healthy giving is part of healthy living. The goal in recovery is balance - caring that is motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for ourselves and others.
The goal in recovery is to choose what we want to give, to whom, when, and how much. The goal in recovery is to give, and not feel victimized by our giving.
Are we giving because we want to, because it's our responsibility? Or are we giving because we feel obligated, guilty, ashamed, or superior? Are we giving because we feel afraid to say no?
Are the ways we try to assist people helpful, or do they prevent others from facing their true responsibilities?
Are we giving so that people will like us or feel obligated to us? Are we giving to prove we're worthy? Or are we giving because we want to give and it feels right?
Recovery includes a cycle of giving and receiving. It keeps healthy energy flowing among us, our Higher Power, and others. It takes time to learn how to give in healthy ways.
It takes time to learn to receive. Be patient. Balance will come.
God, please guide my giving and my motives today.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Wow...
My last relationship..he rescued me, again..and I was grateful. I got clean and sober. But..I realized early on..
the love was gone. I stayed..to "give back." He went into a "dry drunk." I became the caretaker.
"We now understand that caretaking and compulsive giving don't work. They backfire.
Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized."
The more I gave..the longer I stayed..the worse he he got. Didn't work..didn't even
bother to apply for income. Finally, I had to get out! And yes, this is the stalking ex...
The reading for today has a wealth of wisdom.
"Are we giving so that people will like us or feel obligated to us? Are we giving to prove we're worthy? Or are we giving because we want to give and it feels right?"
In recovery..I am making healthy choices, guided by my HP in my giving.
The rewards are great.
My last relationship..he rescued me, again..and I was grateful. I got clean and sober. But..I realized early on..
the love was gone. I stayed..to "give back." He went into a "dry drunk." I became the caretaker.
"We now understand that caretaking and compulsive giving don't work. They backfire.
Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized."
The more I gave..the longer I stayed..the worse he he got. Didn't work..didn't even
bother to apply for income. Finally, I had to get out! And yes, this is the stalking ex...
The reading for today has a wealth of wisdom.
"Are we giving so that people will like us or feel obligated to us? Are we giving to prove we're worthy? Or are we giving because we want to give and it feels right?"
In recovery..I am making healthy choices, guided by my HP in my giving.
The rewards are great.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Happy birthday Anna!!!
I bought a bag of candy to give the "kids" at the office for Easter. I think part of me wants them to like me, part of me knows, because they are all in their 20s, many of them will not celebrate Easter. I on the other hand am 42, and my mother will have gifts and chocolates for me come Sunday (Yay!).
It's the kindergarten teacher in me, sometimes I just HAVE to hand out treats haha=)
I bought a bag of candy to give the "kids" at the office for Easter. I think part of me wants them to like me, part of me knows, because they are all in their 20s, many of them will not celebrate Easter. I on the other hand am 42, and my mother will have gifts and chocolates for me come Sunday (Yay!).
It's the kindergarten teacher in me, sometimes I just HAVE to hand out treats haha=)
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,521
Thanks dear friends for all your Birthday wishes!
Grateful, the questions in your reading are thought-provoking. It's all about intention, isn't it? I have found that, sometimes, when giving is a spontaneous impulse, then it's giving for the right reason. Sometimes, though not always, if I have thought about giving for too long, I recognize an ulterior motive.
Grateful, the questions in your reading are thought-provoking. It's all about intention, isn't it? I have found that, sometimes, when giving is a spontaneous impulse, then it's giving for the right reason. Sometimes, though not always, if I have thought about giving for too long, I recognize an ulterior motive.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
April 10
Using Others To Stop The Pain
Our happiness is not a present someone else holds in his or her hands. Our well-being is not held by another to be given or with-held at whim. If we reach out and try to force someone to give us what we believe he or she holds, we will be disappointed. We will discover that it is an illusion. The person didn't hold it. He or she never shall. That beautifully wrapped box with the ribbon on it that we believed contained our happiness that someone was holding - it's an illusion!
In those moments when we are trying to reach out and force someone to stop our pain and create our joy, if we can find the courage to stop flailing about and instead stand still and deal with our issues, we will find our happiness.
Yes, it is true that if someone steps on our foot, he or she is hurting us and therefore holds the power to stop our pain by removing his or her foot. But the pain is still ours. And so is the responsibility to tell someone to stop stepping on our feet.
Healing will come when we're aware of how we attempt to use others to stop our pain and create our happiness. We will heal from the past. We will receive insights that can change the course of our relationships.
We will see that, all along, our happiness and our well-being have been in our hands. We have held that box. The contents are our for the opening.
God, help me remember that I hold the key to my own happiness. Give me the courage to stand still and deal with my own feelings. Give me the insights I need to improve my relationships. Help me stop doing the codependent dance and start doing the dance of recovery.
April 10
Using Others To Stop The Pain
Our happiness is not a present someone else holds in his or her hands. Our well-being is not held by another to be given or with-held at whim. If we reach out and try to force someone to give us what we believe he or she holds, we will be disappointed. We will discover that it is an illusion. The person didn't hold it. He or she never shall. That beautifully wrapped box with the ribbon on it that we believed contained our happiness that someone was holding - it's an illusion!
In those moments when we are trying to reach out and force someone to stop our pain and create our joy, if we can find the courage to stop flailing about and instead stand still and deal with our issues, we will find our happiness.
Yes, it is true that if someone steps on our foot, he or she is hurting us and therefore holds the power to stop our pain by removing his or her foot. But the pain is still ours. And so is the responsibility to tell someone to stop stepping on our feet.
Healing will come when we're aware of how we attempt to use others to stop our pain and create our happiness. We will heal from the past. We will receive insights that can change the course of our relationships.
We will see that, all along, our happiness and our well-being have been in our hands. We have held that box. The contents are our for the opening.
God, help me remember that I hold the key to my own happiness. Give me the courage to stand still and deal with my own feelings. Give me the insights I need to improve my relationships. Help me stop doing the codependent dance and start doing the dance of recovery.
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