HG. I hope there might be some way you could step back and instead of putting your nose any more on the grindstone, you could look for and examine any other option to lesson the pressure you are now under. I do understand what you forcing yourself to accomplish, and I want to support you any way that I can, not for anyone else, but for own self esteem.
Most of my first post was in refrence to myself, and the instructors that helped me find
discipline, confidence in my abilities, and self worth. I am now retired but still working part time, taking courses to catch up on some of the latest technology, doing research and design for now, while looking at the future for putting my designs into actual development. Many times I wanted to give up, knowing I didn't need to put myself under this kind of pressure, but for many years I had a dream of doing exactly what I am doing, and I knew anything worthwhile doesn't come easy. I apply some of that discipline that I was taught and I stick it out until I get my next inspiration, and then I am very happy that I did.