Codependency and Beyond Part 3
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I have no problem admitting and accepting my powerlessness over other people. It's myself and at times, my reactions to people, places and things that I struggle with. And, certain individuals always seem to bring out the worst in me.But I have to remember I do have a choice how I react. Sometimes it's easy to do this, sometimes it isn't. They won't change; I have to change my reaction to them.
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You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
March 31
Finances
Taking financial responsibility for ourselves is part of recovery. Some of us may find ourselves in hard financial times for a variety of reasons.
Our recovery concepts, including the steps, work on money issues and restoring manageability to that area of our life. Make appropriate amends - even if that means tackling a $5,000 debt by sending in $5 a month.
Start where you are, with what you've got. As with other issues, acceptance and gratitude turn what we have into more.
Money issues are not a good place to act as if. Don't write checks until the money is in the bank. Don't spend money until you've got it in your hand.
If there is too little money to survive, use the emergency resources without shame.
Set goals.
Believe you deserve the best, financially.
Believe God cares about your finances.
Let go of your fear, and trust.
Today, I will focus on taking responsibility for my present financial circumstances, no matter how overwhelming that area of my life may feel and be.
March 31
Finances
Taking financial responsibility for ourselves is part of recovery. Some of us may find ourselves in hard financial times for a variety of reasons.
Our recovery concepts, including the steps, work on money issues and restoring manageability to that area of our life. Make appropriate amends - even if that means tackling a $5,000 debt by sending in $5 a month.
Start where you are, with what you've got. As with other issues, acceptance and gratitude turn what we have into more.
Money issues are not a good place to act as if. Don't write checks until the money is in the bank. Don't spend money until you've got it in your hand.
If there is too little money to survive, use the emergency resources without shame.
Set goals.
Believe you deserve the best, financially.
Believe God cares about your finances.
Let go of your fear, and trust.
Today, I will focus on taking responsibility for my present financial circumstances, no matter how overwhelming that area of my life may feel and be.
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Originally Posted by espresso 
certain individuals always seem to bring out the worst in me. I do have a choice how I react. They won't change; I have to change my reaction to them.
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I want to say to you all that I normally like to be much more active on this wonderful thread...but my plate is so darn full right now ..with the support I am providing my daughter and my own emotional process with my Mom. I want to be here more, and it is nagging on me a bit....hopefully in a couple of weeks I will be back to a more normal schedule....
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My dear Grateful! Please do not concern yourself that you are "neglecting" us!!! You, your daughter, and your whole family are in MY prayers.:ghug2
Kind of "codie" of you to feel responsible for us, huh?!
Please take care of yourself during this time and try to get some extra rest!!!!
Hugs,
HG
Kind of "codie" of you to feel responsible for us, huh?!
Please take care of yourself during this time and try to get some extra rest!!!!
Hugs,
HG
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Location: Atlanta
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(((Grateful))) - taking care of YOU is priority one, sweetie.
Finances...that's when I realized I was really working at recovery..when I started becoming financially responsible. Even when I made good money, I was lousy at being responsible. I paid bills late, overdrew my checking account, and never had anything saved back.
Today, I make less money than I have in decades, but my bills are paid on time (except for a couple I screwed up on), I haven't overdrawn my checking account since my relapse 2 years ago, and I have $130 in savings. Not much, but it's there! I just bought dinner for the family, and it felt great!
I went to my stepsister's, today, as my niece, Abby, turned 8 yesterday. Also got to see my nephews Joey and Brandon (4 and 18). Brit has been struggling...anger at her "dad" for numerous reasons (all valid) and sad that she doesn't remember her mom, who died right after Brit's first b'day.
It was an emotional afternoon, but she talked and cried, and Teresa and I let her talk, and gave her a ton of support. Someone had told Brit that when people die, they don't remember those of us left on earth?!?! We assured her that this is NOT true and her mom is always watching over her.
I'm glad we had this talk. She and Teresa don't get along, most of the time, but today Teresa and I were able to be there for Brit. It broke my heart...I just wanted to wrap my arms around Brit and make it all go away, but of course, I can't.
Brit was telling me how she and dad had been talking about how proud they were of me, and how I'm such a different person than I used to be. She said it's a big reason why she never wants to do drugs...she's seen what they did to me (although she admits she still smokes weed occasionally). She knew about the problems I'd had at work, and I told her how I'm dealing with it. I can only hope that she learns by example. So far, she's picked up on things I never thought she would. She really made me feel good, today, though.
I came home, and called a friend from the friends/family forum who is struggling and needed to talk to a recovering addict/codie. She started off in tears, and we ended up laughing.
I am feeling VERY grateful today, for my family and friends. Oh, and Joey has an adorable new boxer puppy...kids and a puppy all in one day? You KNOW I had a good day!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Finances...that's when I realized I was really working at recovery..when I started becoming financially responsible. Even when I made good money, I was lousy at being responsible. I paid bills late, overdrew my checking account, and never had anything saved back.
Today, I make less money than I have in decades, but my bills are paid on time (except for a couple I screwed up on), I haven't overdrawn my checking account since my relapse 2 years ago, and I have $130 in savings. Not much, but it's there! I just bought dinner for the family, and it felt great!
I went to my stepsister's, today, as my niece, Abby, turned 8 yesterday. Also got to see my nephews Joey and Brandon (4 and 18). Brit has been struggling...anger at her "dad" for numerous reasons (all valid) and sad that she doesn't remember her mom, who died right after Brit's first b'day.
It was an emotional afternoon, but she talked and cried, and Teresa and I let her talk, and gave her a ton of support. Someone had told Brit that when people die, they don't remember those of us left on earth?!?! We assured her that this is NOT true and her mom is always watching over her.
I'm glad we had this talk. She and Teresa don't get along, most of the time, but today Teresa and I were able to be there for Brit. It broke my heart...I just wanted to wrap my arms around Brit and make it all go away, but of course, I can't.
Brit was telling me how she and dad had been talking about how proud they were of me, and how I'm such a different person than I used to be. She said it's a big reason why she never wants to do drugs...she's seen what they did to me (although she admits she still smokes weed occasionally). She knew about the problems I'd had at work, and I told her how I'm dealing with it. I can only hope that she learns by example. So far, she's picked up on things I never thought she would. She really made me feel good, today, though.
I came home, and called a friend from the friends/family forum who is struggling and needed to talk to a recovering addict/codie. She started off in tears, and we ended up laughing.
I am feeling VERY grateful today, for my family and friends. Oh, and Joey has an adorable new boxer puppy...kids and a puppy all in one day? You KNOW I had a good day!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Location: BC Canada
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((Grateful)) I agree with HG and Amy, you do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself...
((Amy)) Sounds like you had quite a day..You are such a good role model for Brit!!!!
((frazzled)) thankyou, I'll have to check that out.
((Amy)) Sounds like you had quite a day..You are such a good role model for Brit!!!!
((frazzled)) thankyou, I'll have to check that out.
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thanks, everyone
...
....lol.....its not that I feel responsible....I miss being here more..I get so much from being here......but I have to tend to what is on my plate right now...I just want to be here more and can't...
.......lol.....its not that I feel responsible....I miss being here more..I get so much from being here......but I have to tend to what is on my plate right now...I just want to be here more and can't...
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You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
April 1
Going Easy
Go easy. You may have to push forward, but you don't have to push so hard. Go in gentleness, go in peace.
Do not be in so much of a hurry. At no day, no hour, no time are you required to do more than you can do in peace.
Frantic behaviors and urgency are not the foundations for our new way of life.
Do not be in too much of a hurry to begin. Begin, but do not force the beginning if it is not time. Beginnings will arrive soon enough.
Enjoy and relish middles, the heart of the matter.
Do not be in too much of a hurry to finish. You may be almost done, but enjoy the final moments. Give yourself fully to those moments so that you may give and get all there is.
Let the pace flow naturally. Move forward. Start. Keep moving forward. Do it gently, though. Do it in peace. Cherish every moment.
Today, God, help me focus on a peaceful pace rather than a harried one. I will keep moving forward gently, not frantically. Help me let go of my need to be anxious, upset, and harried. Help me replace it with a need to be at peace and in harmony.
April 1
Going Easy
Go easy. You may have to push forward, but you don't have to push so hard. Go in gentleness, go in peace.
Do not be in so much of a hurry. At no day, no hour, no time are you required to do more than you can do in peace.
Frantic behaviors and urgency are not the foundations for our new way of life.
Do not be in too much of a hurry to begin. Begin, but do not force the beginning if it is not time. Beginnings will arrive soon enough.
Enjoy and relish middles, the heart of the matter.
Do not be in too much of a hurry to finish. You may be almost done, but enjoy the final moments. Give yourself fully to those moments so that you may give and get all there is.
Let the pace flow naturally. Move forward. Start. Keep moving forward. Do it gently, though. Do it in peace. Cherish every moment.
Today, God, help me focus on a peaceful pace rather than a harried one. I will keep moving forward gently, not frantically. Help me let go of my need to be anxious, upset, and harried. Help me replace it with a need to be at peace and in harmony.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Good timing for today's reading. I looked at the calendar, realized I have 5 Wed/Thu (my day's off from my regular job), and decided to take a day OFF! It's raining, the loud-mouth cat (Mots) woke me up early, jumped on Patches so I popped him on the nose and let them all outside. Don't know WHY they want out in the rain, but I let them on the carport and they haven't wanted back in, yet.
I'm going to go back to sleep, and later will clean up my room and do one of my books for school. I had e-mailed anvil (my buddy from here) and she said I sounded "sure and centered, these days". I realized, I do. I think it has to do a lot with this thread
I'm really trying to focus on me, what is in MY hula hoop and letting everyone else take care of their stuff.
I used to feel selfish, taking care of me (okay, still do, sometimes). I really don't know how to explain it, but now it seems that my relationships with my family is way BETTER the more I take care of me? Maybe I was too vocal about it, at first..."I'm taking care of me, dammit!!" and now I just do it, I don't know. All I know, is for today, it feels good. I told dad I was taking the day off and he just said "okay"...didn't ask if I'd be able to get the work done, or what I was going to do...just "okay"
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm going to go back to sleep, and later will clean up my room and do one of my books for school. I had e-mailed anvil (my buddy from here) and she said I sounded "sure and centered, these days". I realized, I do. I think it has to do a lot with this thread
I'm really trying to focus on me, what is in MY hula hoop and letting everyone else take care of their stuff.I used to feel selfish, taking care of me (okay, still do, sometimes). I really don't know how to explain it, but now it seems that my relationships with my family is way BETTER the more I take care of me? Maybe I was too vocal about it, at first..."I'm taking care of me, dammit!!" and now I just do it, I don't know. All I know, is for today, it feels good. I told dad I was taking the day off and he just said "okay"...didn't ask if I'd be able to get the work done, or what I was going to do...just "okay"
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Academic Stress.....
Originally Posted by grateful2b
Do not be in so much of a hurry. At no day, no hour, no time are you required to do more than you can do in peace.
Originally Posted by grateful2b
Frantic behaviors and urgency are not the foundations for our new way of life.
Today has been just miserable. I'm working as hard as I can, and nothing is working right and has not been for months. So, basically, the implication from my advisor is that I'm not working hard enough, fast enough, intelligently enough to do the job. I've been in tears most of the evening. It's this constant feeling that I'm going up before a committee the very next day to be reviewed and I will NEVER be ready, never be truly "done" and get to relax. In light of this kind of pressure, I must admit that I have no idea how to proceed peacefully.
Any and all suggestions will be truly welcomed!
Hugs to all....now I'm back to work!
HG
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Location: Atlanta
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(((HG))) - I had a professor in college that pushed and pushed and pushed. I wasn't as far up in education but he was tough, and (I thought) brutal. I failed a final, one quarter, and he sat there telling me "you could have passed this, you know". I explained to him that: my mom was in the hospital, I'd JUST been t-boned in a car wreck, where my car was totaled and I was lucky to be alive, and I'd just started a brand new job, so could he PLEASE just tell me that the rest of my grades were good enough to tell me I passed the class?
He apologized, told me I had passed, and said he "forgot" that some of us have lives and aren't full-time students, living at home with nothing to think about BUT school.
I know this doesn't really help, but I know that when I was doing the best I could, and kept trying to push myself to "DO MORE", I always ended up making more of a mess. I finally decided to just do what I could, turn it in and pray...a lot.
I know a lot hinges on this, but I'm sure everyone else is going through the same thing, feels the same way, and the majority of people get through it. I think advisors, professors think they are helping by pushing us, not realizing that for some of us, they're doing more harm than good.
(((Hugs))))
My "me" day has turned out pretty good Dad came in, tossed me some mail earlier, and I didn't even look at it. I JUST looked at it, and it was a check for $500 from the other insurance company I had totally accepted that it would be 2 months before I would get it, so this is a nice surprise.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
He apologized, told me I had passed, and said he "forgot" that some of us have lives and aren't full-time students, living at home with nothing to think about BUT school.
I know this doesn't really help, but I know that when I was doing the best I could, and kept trying to push myself to "DO MORE", I always ended up making more of a mess. I finally decided to just do what I could, turn it in and pray...a lot.
I know a lot hinges on this, but I'm sure everyone else is going through the same thing, feels the same way, and the majority of people get through it. I think advisors, professors think they are helping by pushing us, not realizing that for some of us, they're doing more harm than good.
(((Hugs))))
My "me" day has turned out pretty good
Dad came in, tossed me some mail earlier, and I didn't even look at it. I JUST looked at it, and it was a check for $500 from the other insurance company I had totally accepted that it would be 2 months before I would get it, so this is a nice surprise.Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Location: BC Canada
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((HG)) If you are doing the best you can, thats all you can do. So just try and relax. Say a little prayer, maybe the Serenity Prayer when you are feeling anxious. Don't be so hard on yourself....
Thanks for the reading ((Grateful)) I really like this reading, I have to tell myself to take it easy quite often. I have a real hard time just being in the moment, my mind is always racing about what I need to do next, so I have to tell myself to concentrate on what I am doing in the moment. I want to enjoy every moment. I'm am getting better.
((Amy)) glad you had a great day and you received your check already...
Thanks for the reading ((Grateful)) I really like this reading, I have to tell myself to take it easy quite often. I have a real hard time just being in the moment, my mind is always racing about what I need to do next, so I have to tell myself to concentrate on what I am doing in the moment. I want to enjoy every moment. I'm am getting better.
((Amy)) glad you had a great day and you received your check already...
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Amy, Thanks for your words. What wonderful news that your check has arrived so soon! Plus....you got a day off!!! Great stuff!
SG, Thank you, too! The best I can do should be good enough, right? I've been in a graduate program for 8 years now (masters now PhD), and I'm exhausted. I watch people on the street going to jobs in office buildings as I come and go from my office/lab at university and think "Wow, they can go home at night an not HAVE to keep working/keep reading/keep researching/keep writing. What would I give to be able to go home and leave all of it behind until the next day...?"
Yet, if I stop all of this now, I'll disappoint so many people who will be angry at me. I will feel like a complete and total failure. It's as though I can't separate my self worth from what I do. If I'm not able to successfully complete the degree, then I don't know if I will be able to recover any shred of self-esteem, and I don't currently feel like that is an option. Intellectually, I realize that this is a standard I am imposing on myself and that the world would not stop revolving if I decide to leave the program. I also realize that I won't have to go around in sack cloth and ashes while people spit on me in the street.....but my emotions tell me otherwise.
Oh....er, sorry for the vent. Thank you so much for your words and encouragement! Grateful, thank you for the readings!!!!
hugs to all, HG
SG, Thank you, too! The best I can do should be good enough, right? I've been in a graduate program for 8 years now (masters now PhD), and I'm exhausted. I watch people on the street going to jobs in office buildings as I come and go from my office/lab at university and think "Wow, they can go home at night an not HAVE to keep working/keep reading/keep researching/keep writing. What would I give to be able to go home and leave all of it behind until the next day...?"
Yet, if I stop all of this now, I'll disappoint so many people who will be angry at me. I will feel like a complete and total failure. It's as though I can't separate my self worth from what I do. If I'm not able to successfully complete the degree, then I don't know if I will be able to recover any shred of self-esteem, and I don't currently feel like that is an option. Intellectually, I realize that this is a standard I am imposing on myself and that the world would not stop revolving if I decide to leave the program. I also realize that I won't have to go around in sack cloth and ashes while people spit on me in the street.....but my emotions tell me otherwise.
Oh....er, sorry for the vent. Thank you so much for your words and encouragement! Grateful, thank you for the readings!!!!
hugs to all, HG
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Location: Western N.Y.
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Hi.HG, One of the many things I have had to change was understanding the motives
behind my instructors attitude toward me. The very best teachers push their students
to apply the very best of their abilities. A teacher is not there to win a popularity contest,
they are there to find abilities in a student beyond the limitations the student has placed on themselves. If your teacher see's potential in you beyond what you are exhibiting it is that teacher's job to help you to find and use it. It is for your benefit to give a teacher that is willing to push you the best that you have, of which you can always find more if you are willing to put in the effort, or make it a higher priority. If you are doing the very best that you can, there is a possibility that it might be good enough to make the grade, but that teacher knows you are not producing to the best of your ability. Just don't quit and give up, this is not an all or nothing situation. I have faced both directions in a classroom, and have personally been pushed to find my latent potential, as I have pushed
those who were not doing what they were capable of.
behind my instructors attitude toward me. The very best teachers push their students
to apply the very best of their abilities. A teacher is not there to win a popularity contest,
they are there to find abilities in a student beyond the limitations the student has placed on themselves. If your teacher see's potential in you beyond what you are exhibiting it is that teacher's job to help you to find and use it. It is for your benefit to give a teacher that is willing to push you the best that you have, of which you can always find more if you are willing to put in the effort, or make it a higher priority. If you are doing the very best that you can, there is a possibility that it might be good enough to make the grade, but that teacher knows you are not producing to the best of your ability. Just don't quit and give up, this is not an all or nothing situation. I have faced both directions in a classroom, and have personally been pushed to find my latent potential, as I have pushed
those who were not doing what they were capable of.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
(((HG)))..it is not ours to know whether you have done your best or whether your professor knows or not whether you are producing to the best of your ability ...we cannot determine the situation from here nor is it ours to determine..that is yours to know and decide..
I want to echo Amy and SG, in saying that if you are truly giving it your best, then you need to turn the rest over...the very nature of your workload would strike fear in most hearts...
what about finding someone to explore this with? someone you can sit down and talk this through with...and maybe work out some strategies for dealing with the anxiety and stress this evokes...
:ghug3 HG
I want to echo Amy and SG, in saying that if you are truly giving it your best, then you need to turn the rest over...the very nature of your workload would strike fear in most hearts...
what about finding someone to explore this with? someone you can sit down and talk this through with...and maybe work out some strategies for dealing with the anxiety and stress this evokes...
:ghug3 HG
Last edited by grateful2b; 04-02-2009 at 07:36 AM.
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You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
April 2
Facing Our Darker Side
Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- Step four of Al-Alanon
By the time we get to the Fourth of the Twelve Steps, we are ready to face our darker side, the side that prevent us from loving ourselves and others, from letting others love us, and from enjoying life. The purpose of Step Four is not to make ourselves feel worse; our purpose is to begin to remove our blocks to joy and love.
We look for fears, anger, hurt, and shame from past events - buried feelings that may be affecting our life today.
We search for subconscious beliefs about ourselves and others that may be interfering with the quality fo our relationships. These beliefs say: "I'm not lovable...I'm a burden...People can't be trusted...I can't be trusted...I don't deserve to be happy and successful...Life isn't worth living." We look at our behaviors and pattern with an eye toward discerning the self-defeating ones. With love and compassion for ourselves, we try to unearth our guilt - earned and unearned - and expose it to the light.
We perform this examination without fear of what we shall find, because this soul-searching can cleanse us and help us feel better about ourselves than we ever dreamt possible.
God, help me search out the blocks and barriers within myself. Bring what I need to know into my conscious mind, so I can be free of it. Show me what I need to know about myself.
April 2
Facing Our Darker Side
Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- Step four of Al-Alanon
By the time we get to the Fourth of the Twelve Steps, we are ready to face our darker side, the side that prevent us from loving ourselves and others, from letting others love us, and from enjoying life. The purpose of Step Four is not to make ourselves feel worse; our purpose is to begin to remove our blocks to joy and love.
We look for fears, anger, hurt, and shame from past events - buried feelings that may be affecting our life today.
We search for subconscious beliefs about ourselves and others that may be interfering with the quality fo our relationships. These beliefs say: "I'm not lovable...I'm a burden...People can't be trusted...I can't be trusted...I don't deserve to be happy and successful...Life isn't worth living." We look at our behaviors and pattern with an eye toward discerning the self-defeating ones. With love and compassion for ourselves, we try to unearth our guilt - earned and unearned - and expose it to the light.
We perform this examination without fear of what we shall find, because this soul-searching can cleanse us and help us feel better about ourselves than we ever dreamt possible.
God, help me search out the blocks and barriers within myself. Bring what I need to know into my conscious mind, so I can be free of it. Show me what I need to know about myself.
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Originally Posted by jurneyman
The very best teachers push their students
to apply the very best of their abilities. A teacher is not there to win a popularity contest, they are there to find abilities in a student beyond the limitations the student has placed on themselves.
to apply the very best of their abilities. A teacher is not there to win a popularity contest, they are there to find abilities in a student beyond the limitations the student has placed on themselves.
Originally Posted by jurneyman
If your teacher see's potential in you beyond what you are exhibiting it is that teacher's job to help you to find and use it. It is for your benefit to give a teacher that is willing to push you the best that you have, of which you can always find more if you are willing to put in the effort, or make it a higher priority.
I certainly cannot complain about the opportunities I have been given because there are many people who do not make it this far. As a friend of mine says "if getting a PhD was easy, everyone would have one". MY struggle is whether or not getting a PhD is worth my health and peace of mind (both of which are deteriorating). Believe me, Jurneyman, I can't put my nose to the grindstone any more than I am already.
Well, sorry again for the vent. But I'm tired people having some perception that I am not working hard enough. I already beat myself up thinking I'll never be able to work hard enough, and I haven't had a break in years. I'm just sooooo frustrated and exhausted
Oh well, today is another day, right?
HG
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