Codependency and Beyond Part 3
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 35
((((((Grateful)))))) I feel for you.
My mother died almost 6 months ago. We were not thaaaat close, but I loved her very very much. And we became closer the last 4 months of her life.
I also think the numbness is normal, and that is what makes us go through all the things after the death. I just think my numbness went on for a little too long. I thought I was weird, not crying enough. Well...... it all came out now. Almost six months after her death, I've been crying non-stop for the last 3 weeks. I do not even want to go out, my eyes are so swollen. I just miss her...
The opposite happened with my brother. They were very very very close. He's an alcoholic and she was the ultimate codie. When she died, he cried all the time. He slept with her purse, the purse she had been using all the time for the last year of her life. He took that purse everywhere with him. I was even scared for him..... But I see him now, coming back to life. He has not worked for over 6 months (since my mother got sick). And now, he bought a restaurant which he's going to open in a month. He's happy! I envy him!
I always was afraid of my brother's reaction when my mother would die. And it turns out I am the one who is having the more trouble.
Sorry for the long thing....... I'm having an especially bad sad day.
My mother died almost 6 months ago. We were not thaaaat close, but I loved her very very much. And we became closer the last 4 months of her life.
I also think the numbness is normal, and that is what makes us go through all the things after the death. I just think my numbness went on for a little too long. I thought I was weird, not crying enough. Well...... it all came out now. Almost six months after her death, I've been crying non-stop for the last 3 weeks. I do not even want to go out, my eyes are so swollen. I just miss her...
The opposite happened with my brother. They were very very very close. He's an alcoholic and she was the ultimate codie. When she died, he cried all the time. He slept with her purse, the purse she had been using all the time for the last year of her life. He took that purse everywhere with him. I was even scared for him..... But I see him now, coming back to life. He has not worked for over 6 months (since my mother got sick). And now, he bought a restaurant which he's going to open in a month. He's happy! I envy him!
I always was afraid of my brother's reaction when my mother would die. And it turns out I am the one who is having the more trouble.
Sorry for the long thing....... I'm having an especially bad sad day.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Grief is maybe the ultimate person experience. I have been laid low by young, unexpected death twice in my life. Both times it was a struggle just to keep breathing. I had a "best girl friend" the last time who became concerned because I went to the cemetery everyday for the first year. She came to me at some point and said "I know you are sad, but it is past time to move on, this is unhealthy". To this day I am sure it is the dumbest thing anyone has every said to me.
((Grateful)) ((Marie A)), hugs for you both. I am sorry you hurt.
((Grateful)) ((Marie A)), hugs for you both. I am sorry you hurt.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Grateful 
Everyone else..I've been laid low with flu since Friday but just caught up up with
reading. A quiet birthday..no celebrating till later on...in the week.
I have read the thread..I am praying and holding all of you in my thoughts.
Things are better for me..
Marie))) I am sorry about your mum too hun.
Hugs to all friends..
Everyone else..I've been laid low with flu since Friday but just caught up up with
reading. A quiet birthday..no celebrating till later on...in the week.
I have read the thread..I am praying and holding all of you in my thoughts.
Things are better for me..
Marie))) I am sorry about your mum too hun.
Hugs to all friends..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((IO)) hope you are feeling better..lots of that nasty flu going around!
((Marie)) I agree with Lisa...death is a very personal thing. I lost my grandfather (who I adored), mom, and 18-year-old stepsister all within 5 years. Each experience was very different, and some grief processes took longer than others. Be gentle with yourself.
I am getting very good lessons in detaching, especially at work. I'm basically just biting my tongue, instead of butting in, to tell people what they SHOULD do. After all, I know how things should be done, right?
I'm still not smoking and not really moody, so that's a good thing. In about 1-1/2 hours from now, day 2 will have come to an ending, and day 3 will have begun, cigarette free!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
((Marie)) I agree with Lisa...death is a very personal thing. I lost my grandfather (who I adored), mom, and 18-year-old stepsister all within 5 years. Each experience was very different, and some grief processes took longer than others. Be gentle with yourself.
I am getting very good lessons in detaching, especially at work. I'm basically just biting my tongue, instead of butting in, to tell people what they SHOULD do. After all, I know how things should be done, right?
I'm still not smoking and not really moody, so that's a good thing. In about 1-1/2 hours from now, day 2 will have come to an ending, and day 3 will have begun, cigarette free!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Thank you everyone!
((Marie))) welcome to our thread!..I am glad you have joined us and thank you so much for sharing about your Mom and your brother...it has helped me...
I know that when I am done being numb the ears will flow like crazy...I can feel them...and that is okay...mourning is and should be an organic process...and your experience
mine...
Amy ...congrats on day 2!!
IO...hope you are feeling better and I am glad that things are better with that 'other thing' ..
Happy Belated Birthday!!
6
((SG))
hey Zip!!
((Marie))) welcome to our thread!..I am glad you have joined us and thank you so much for sharing about your Mom and your brother...it has helped me...
I know that when I am done being numb the ears will flow like crazy...I can feel them...and that is okay...mourning is and should be an organic process...and your experience
mine...
Amy ...congrats on day 2!!
IO...hope you are feeling better
and I am glad that things are better with that 'other thing' ..Happy Belated Birthday!!
6((SG))
hey Zip!!
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
April 6
Patience
How sick and tired we may become of people telling us to be patient or to learn patience. How frustrating it can be to want to finally have something, or to move forward, and then not have that happen. How irritating to have someone tell us to wait while our needs have not been met and we're in the midst of anxiety, frustration, and inaction.
Do not confuse the suggestion to be patient with the old rule about not having feelings.
Being patient does not mean we go through the sometimes grueling process of life and recovery without having feelings! Feel the frustration. Feel the impatience. Get as angry as you need to about not having your needs met. Feel your fear.
Controlling our feelings will not control the process!
We find patience by surrendering to our feelings. Patience cannot be forced. It is a gift, one that closely follows acceptance and gratitude. When we work through our feelings to fully accept who we are and what we have, we will be ready to be and have more.
Today, I will let myself have my feelings while I practice patience.
April 6
Patience
How sick and tired we may become of people telling us to be patient or to learn patience. How frustrating it can be to want to finally have something, or to move forward, and then not have that happen. How irritating to have someone tell us to wait while our needs have not been met and we're in the midst of anxiety, frustration, and inaction.
Do not confuse the suggestion to be patient with the old rule about not having feelings.
Being patient does not mean we go through the sometimes grueling process of life and recovery without having feelings! Feel the frustration. Feel the impatience. Get as angry as you need to about not having your needs met. Feel your fear.
Controlling our feelings will not control the process!
We find patience by surrendering to our feelings. Patience cannot be forced. It is a gift, one that closely follows acceptance and gratitude. When we work through our feelings to fully accept who we are and what we have, we will be ready to be and have more.
Today, I will let myself have my feelings while I practice patience.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by grateful2b 
I know that when I am done being numb the ears will flow like crazy.....and your experience
mine...
mine...
should have read "the tears will flow like crazy"...."and your experience with your mom resonates with mine"
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,523
Welcome Marie, and greetings to everyone,
I have had to learn so much about patience in my recovery. The simple thing of pausing and taking a breath before I speak, has helped me hugely. With just that extra moment of thought, I have been able to make a decision (sometimes!) to not say anything. Sometimes, not saying anything or doing anything is the best response.
I don't like being in social situations. I LOVE solitude. I love being with my family members and spending time with them. I enjoy talking to people one-on-one and getting to know them and talking about topics of mutual interest. But, at large social functions, I am stressed and anxious, and usually end up with a headache. Social interaction doesn't come naturally or easily for me. These are things I have chosen to accept about myself.
I have had to learn so much about patience in my recovery. The simple thing of pausing and taking a breath before I speak, has helped me hugely. With just that extra moment of thought, I have been able to make a decision (sometimes!) to not say anything. Sometimes, not saying anything or doing anything is the best response.
I don't like being in social situations. I LOVE solitude. I love being with my family members and spending time with them. I enjoy talking to people one-on-one and getting to know them and talking about topics of mutual interest. But, at large social functions, I am stressed and anxious, and usually end up with a headache. Social interaction doesn't come naturally or easily for me. These are things I have chosen to accept about myself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Anna)) - thanks for the reminder about pausing before I speak. I've been doing that, mostly at work, and it does help a lot. I probably look pretty silly...open my mouth to say something, then just shut up before saying anything and walk away while deciding if I really want to respond or not
Having NEVER been a patient person, I am learning it because I don't have a choice! There are things I simply cannot rush along. I've also seen that, in the big picture, there is a reason why things happen when they do and if they had happened when I wanted them to, the outcome wouldn't have been so good.
Heading into another smoke-free day! My attitude has actually been really good, other than last night when my supervisor came in with her normal Sunday night grumpy mood.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Having NEVER been a patient person, I am learning it because I don't have a choice! There are things I simply cannot rush along. I've also seen that, in the big picture, there is a reason why things happen when they do and if they had happened when I wanted them to, the outcome wouldn't have been so good.
Heading into another smoke-free day! My attitude has actually been really good, other than last night when my supervisor came in with her normal Sunday night grumpy mood.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
Thanks ((Grateful)) Beautiful sunny day out here!!! Spring has finally arrived.
((Amy)) you are doing so great with your quitting smoking, good for you, I know its not easy..
((10 Storm)) hope your feeling better too...and that you had a nice Birthday.
((Anna)) I'm the same with Social situations, feel very uncomfortable, enjoy just a few people or one on one. I also really enjoy time to myself..
((Marie)) welcome ((Lisa))
((Amy)) you are doing so great with your quitting smoking, good for you, I know its not easy..
((10 Storm)) hope your feeling better too...and that you had a nice Birthday.
((Anna)) I'm the same with Social situations, feel very uncomfortable, enjoy just a few people or one on one. I also really enjoy time to myself..
((Marie)) welcome ((Lisa))
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
April 7
Those Old Time Feelings
Sometimes, the old feelings creep back in. We may feel fearful, ashamed, and hopeless. We may feel not good enough, unlovable, victimized, helpless, and resentful about it all. This is co-dependency, a condition some describe as "soul-sickness."
Many of us felt this way when we began recovery. Sometimes, we slip back into these feelings after we've begun recovery. Sometimes there's a reason. An event may trigger these reactions, such as ending a relationship, stress, problems on the job, at home, or in friendships. Times of change can trigger these reactions. So can physical illness.
Sometimes, these feelings can return for no reason.
A return to the old feelings doesn't mean we're back to square one in our recovery. They do not mean we've failed at recovery. They do not mean we're in for a long, painful session of feeling badly. They just are.
The solution is the same: practicing the basics. Some of the basics are loving and trusting our self, detachment. dealing with feelings. giving and receiving support in the recovery community, using our affirmations, and having fun.
Another basic is working the Steps. Often, working the Steps is how we become enabled and empowered to practice the other basics, such as detachment and self-love.
If the old feelings come back, know for certain there is a way out that will work.
Today, If I find myself in the dark pit of codependency. I will work a Step to help myself climb out.
April 7
Those Old Time Feelings
Sometimes, the old feelings creep back in. We may feel fearful, ashamed, and hopeless. We may feel not good enough, unlovable, victimized, helpless, and resentful about it all. This is co-dependency, a condition some describe as "soul-sickness."
Many of us felt this way when we began recovery. Sometimes, we slip back into these feelings after we've begun recovery. Sometimes there's a reason. An event may trigger these reactions, such as ending a relationship, stress, problems on the job, at home, or in friendships. Times of change can trigger these reactions. So can physical illness.
Sometimes, these feelings can return for no reason.
A return to the old feelings doesn't mean we're back to square one in our recovery. They do not mean we've failed at recovery. They do not mean we're in for a long, painful session of feeling badly. They just are.
The solution is the same: practicing the basics. Some of the basics are loving and trusting our self, detachment. dealing with feelings. giving and receiving support in the recovery community, using our affirmations, and having fun.
Another basic is working the Steps. Often, working the Steps is how we become enabled and empowered to practice the other basics, such as detachment and self-love.
If the old feelings come back, know for certain there is a way out that will work.
Today, If I find myself in the dark pit of codependency. I will work a Step to help myself climb out.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Thanks SG)))) I am a lot better..
Grateful)))
Anna)))
Amy)))) Good for you on your quitting smoking. Wow. When I quit..I might ask for
some tips. It's my last thing to go..and I hate it.
:ghug2: to all who log on later....
Grateful)))
Anna)))
Amy)))) Good for you on your quitting smoking. Wow. When I quit..I might ask for
some tips. It's my last thing to go..and I hate it.
:ghug2: to all who log on later....
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Amy....you totally rock with the whole "stop smoking" thing!! I'm very proud. Keep up the great work!
Grateful, you and your daughter continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I completely agree that grief is an individual things and there is no right or wrong way to experience it. Huge hugs!
IO....Glad to hear that you are feeling better!
The recent "handling conflict" reading is greatly appreciated. I have made an appointment with my advisor for tomorrow and am going to have a good long talk about my work here and progress (or lack thereof) under her guidance. I will not be accusatory or angry, but something has to change so that the work can progress toward some conclusion. I am very stressed to think about having this conversation, but believe that it is necessary in order for anything to be resolved. I just need to keep turning it over to my HP and asking for guidance.....
Hugs to you all! HG :ghug2
Grateful, you and your daughter continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I completely agree that grief is an individual things and there is no right or wrong way to experience it. Huge hugs!
IO....Glad to hear that you are feeling better!
The recent "handling conflict" reading is greatly appreciated. I have made an appointment with my advisor for tomorrow and am going to have a good long talk about my work here and progress (or lack thereof) under her guidance. I will not be accusatory or angry, but something has to change so that the work can progress toward some conclusion. I am very stressed to think about having this conversation, but believe that it is necessary in order for anything to be resolved. I just need to keep turning it over to my HP and asking for guidance.....
Hugs to you all! HG :ghug2
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm having a lazy off day. We have snow flurries? It was 80 degrees here, just a few days ago!
My nephew, Brandon, called me last night, thinking I was at home, and he was coming over. I was at work, but did tell him "what you guys did the other night (weed)? Don't do it again", then told him I loved him and said goodbye. They were still awake when I got home at 4, but no weed Haven't had a chance to talk to Brit, yet, because I really haven't even seen her much..I will talk to her, though.
After the really frustrating night Sunday, at work, my supervisor and I had everyone in hysterics, telling them about it last night. At least WE were also laughing. It was more a comedy of errors, but it wasn't funny Sunday night. Everyone has commented on my good attitude...little do they know it's not totally attitude..it's also codie recovery
I'm still doing pretty good with the not smoking. I'm eating more than I'd like, but that's okay..not nearly as much as when I tried to do it cold turkey. The patches really do help. So does having been ready to quit. I REALLY notice the smoke in the house, though...yuk.
I've got all 3 cats sprawled out on my bed. They've been nice enough to leave me a little room for myself.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
My nephew, Brandon, called me last night, thinking I was at home, and he was coming over. I was at work, but did tell him "what you guys did the other night (weed)? Don't do it again", then told him I loved him and said goodbye. They were still awake when I got home at 4, but no weed
Haven't had a chance to talk to Brit, yet, because I really haven't even seen her much..I will talk to her, though.After the really frustrating night Sunday, at work, my supervisor and I had everyone in hysterics, telling them about it last night. At least WE were also laughing. It was more a comedy of errors, but it wasn't funny Sunday night. Everyone has commented on my good attitude...little do they know it's not totally attitude..it's also codie recovery
I'm still doing pretty good with the not smoking. I'm eating more than I'd like, but that's okay..not nearly as much as when I tried to do it cold turkey. The patches really do help. So does having been ready to quit. I REALLY notice the smoke in the house, though...yuk.
I've got all 3 cats sprawled out on my bed. They've been nice enough to leave me a little room for myself.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 95
There are at least ten thousand and twenty-two things I "ought" to be doing right now other than sitting here reading and writing and sipping tea, but I'm taking a bit of time to relax and do what I feel like doing. Recently I said something to that effect to my mate, that I was going to take some time for myself, to enjoy what I want to enjoy. He responded, "But your whole life is about doing what you want to do."
My immediate reaction was to take it as an insult, as an insinuation that I'm selfish, because I designed my life to be filled with things I enjoy. I love my work, and with a full-time job and a near full-time home business and a farm and a new puppy and 160 chickens and now 55 week-old chicks and a puppy and my family and friends and still more than that in my life, my life truly IS about doing what I want to do. And how fortunate I am for that!!
The point I was making, and am making again here today, is that even though I do enjoy what I do in life, a lot of it truly is work. I'm busy all the time. Sometimes I like to sit, and read, and write, and it should not be suggested by anyone or by myself that I should feel guilty about such indulgences.
So. I now sit, and enjoy my writing time, before continuing on with all else that needs doing today. All in due time.
Today I went shopping for a gift for my nephew for his confirmation into the Lutheran church. I'm not Lutheran, I'm not even Christian. And yet, my sister is raising her boys in that faith. I want to show support and congratulate him on his accomplishment in his studies. So selecting an appropriate gift was worthy of careful consideration. I'd have LOVED to get him a book of Taoism, or the I Ching, or an "alternative" viewpoint about Christianity itself. But, not wanting to disrespect the nature of the occasion, I had to choose wisely.
I found M.J. Ryan's "Attitudes of Gratitude. How to Give and Receive Joy Every Day of Your Life." It's perfect. I opened to the "You Are Worthy" entry. It opens with a quote from Desiderata. "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here." And then proceeds to tell the story that supports the notion that every person is worthy of all they are given, and how fortunate one is to be aware of that truth. Ryan explains that when people are lacking in self-esteem they are robbed of the joy of gratitude, because they don't feel worthy of the gifts they are being given. They then have a difficult time receiving those gifts so freely given.
Gratitude is one of the greatest, most rewarding joys we can experience. From the introduction to this book, "Gratitude makes everyday sacred. Expressing our gratitude is a gift to the giver. Gratitude for small things makes every day a gift."
Isn't that a beautiful truth?
Today I am grateful for the lovely weather, my good health, the wonderful people and animals in my life, and once again, grateful to hear from all of you here.
A lovely day to you all!
(way to go with the smoking cessation Impurrfect!)
(welcome greetings to you Marie)
(good to see you back IO)
And to everyone else, Good Day!
My immediate reaction was to take it as an insult, as an insinuation that I'm selfish, because I designed my life to be filled with things I enjoy. I love my work, and with a full-time job and a near full-time home business and a farm and a new puppy and 160 chickens and now 55 week-old chicks and a puppy and my family and friends and still more than that in my life, my life truly IS about doing what I want to do. And how fortunate I am for that!!
The point I was making, and am making again here today, is that even though I do enjoy what I do in life, a lot of it truly is work. I'm busy all the time. Sometimes I like to sit, and read, and write, and it should not be suggested by anyone or by myself that I should feel guilty about such indulgences.
So. I now sit, and enjoy my writing time, before continuing on with all else that needs doing today. All in due time.
Today I went shopping for a gift for my nephew for his confirmation into the Lutheran church. I'm not Lutheran, I'm not even Christian. And yet, my sister is raising her boys in that faith. I want to show support and congratulate him on his accomplishment in his studies. So selecting an appropriate gift was worthy of careful consideration. I'd have LOVED to get him a book of Taoism, or the I Ching, or an "alternative" viewpoint about Christianity itself. But, not wanting to disrespect the nature of the occasion, I had to choose wisely.
I found M.J. Ryan's "Attitudes of Gratitude. How to Give and Receive Joy Every Day of Your Life." It's perfect. I opened to the "You Are Worthy" entry. It opens with a quote from Desiderata. "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here." And then proceeds to tell the story that supports the notion that every person is worthy of all they are given, and how fortunate one is to be aware of that truth. Ryan explains that when people are lacking in self-esteem they are robbed of the joy of gratitude, because they don't feel worthy of the gifts they are being given. They then have a difficult time receiving those gifts so freely given.
Gratitude is one of the greatest, most rewarding joys we can experience. From the introduction to this book, "Gratitude makes everyday sacred. Expressing our gratitude is a gift to the giver. Gratitude for small things makes every day a gift."
Isn't that a beautiful truth?
Today I am grateful for the lovely weather, my good health, the wonderful people and animals in my life, and once again, grateful to hear from all of you here.
A lovely day to you all!
(way to go with the smoking cessation Impurrfect!)
(welcome greetings to you Marie)
(good to see you back IO)
And to everyone else, Good Day!
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