Codependency and Beyond Part 3
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
April 14
Perfectionism
Recovery from codependency is an individual process that necessitates making mistakes, struggling through problems, and facing tough issues.
Expecting ourselves to be perfect slows this process; it puts us in a guilty and anxious state. Expecting others to be perfect is equally destructive; it makes others feel ashamed and may interfere with their growth.
People are human and vunerable, and that is wonderful. We can accept and cherish that idea. expecting others to be perfect puts us in that codependent state of moral superiority. Expecting ourselves to be perfect makes us feel rigid and inferior.
We can let go of both ideas.
We do not need to go to the other extreme, tolerating anything people throw our way. We can still expect appropriate, responsible behavior from ourselves. But most of us can afford to loosen up a bit. And when we stop expecting others to be perfect, we may discover that they 're doing much better than we thought. When we stop expecting ourselves to be perfect, we'll discover the beauty in ourselves.
Today, I will practice tolerance, acceptance, and love of others as they are, and myself as I am. I will strive for that balance between expecting too much and expecting too little from others and myself.
April 14
Perfectionism
Recovery from codependency is an individual process that necessitates making mistakes, struggling through problems, and facing tough issues.
Expecting ourselves to be perfect slows this process; it puts us in a guilty and anxious state. Expecting others to be perfect is equally destructive; it makes others feel ashamed and may interfere with their growth.
People are human and vunerable, and that is wonderful. We can accept and cherish that idea. expecting others to be perfect puts us in that codependent state of moral superiority. Expecting ourselves to be perfect makes us feel rigid and inferior.
We can let go of both ideas.
We do not need to go to the other extreme, tolerating anything people throw our way. We can still expect appropriate, responsible behavior from ourselves. But most of us can afford to loosen up a bit. And when we stop expecting others to be perfect, we may discover that they 're doing much better than we thought. When we stop expecting ourselves to be perfect, we'll discover the beauty in ourselves.
Today, I will practice tolerance, acceptance, and love of others as they are, and myself as I am. I will strive for that balance between expecting too much and expecting too little from others and myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
The reading today has brought up fear in me. I broke up with the bf today. The brake has been in the works since Sunday. He did something that really brought up fear and insecurity within me. Our relationship had many issues on both ends but I have been way focused on mine.
I'm left with feeling that maybe I overreacted and made a mistake. He has stood by me while I have been dealing with so much.. Maybe I should have given him some more leeway. I don't to rewrite all the details.. I have posted them on another thread.
My Codie crap is overwhelming me... I will do things to make him happy but knowing that it's not what is best for me... I won't talk about things when they come up because of my extreme fear of abandonment and convertation... So I just let things eat at me to the point that I'm just full of anger and emotionally whacked. He has issues too but how can he know what is going on with me if I don't say anything. I find that if I said something once then you should know how certain situations will affect me. I'm in soooooooooo much pain right now....
I'm left with feeling that maybe I overreacted and made a mistake. He has stood by me while I have been dealing with so much.. Maybe I should have given him some more leeway. I don't to rewrite all the details.. I have posted them on another thread.
My Codie crap is overwhelming me... I will do things to make him happy but knowing that it's not what is best for me... I won't talk about things when they come up because of my extreme fear of abandonment and convertation... So I just let things eat at me to the point that I'm just full of anger and emotionally whacked. He has issues too but how can he know what is going on with me if I don't say anything. I find that if I said something once then you should know how certain situations will affect me. I'm in soooooooooo much pain right now....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 95
(((Kendra)))
It's really hard sometimes to do what we KNOW is right, for us and for another in a relationship. Follow your heart, listen to your internal self. You know what is the right thing to do. Don't let your fears of conversation or confrontation or abandonment or disapproval or any of that stop you from doing what is right.
I know, easier said than done. I'm so much in the learning process of employing those very practices I preach. I'm too quick to backpedal and retreat into codie ways. Sacrificing myself so others can be happy, or at least, not upset for the moment. But you know, it's not genuine, and it's not lasting if it's not real. Be Real! Be true to yourself. That's really the ONLY way to peace and happiness.
Like you, I give and give and give and hold in so much until kablewey, I explode. It's happened so many times. I'm slowly learning to diffuse before bursting. It's so much better that way, for everyone involved.
And yet, I struggle with it so! Last night I woke in a panicky sweat, again enduring the same recurring nightmare I've been plagued with for a lifetime. In the dream I'm screaming, crying out for help, as loud as I can, but can't make a sound. And for that, no-one can hear me. It's like I'm trapped inside myself, alone. It's a scary place, to want help but be so unable to ask for it, or do anything to help myself.
But that's what it comes down to. Finding my voice, to learn to ask for help, to do it in a way others can hear, and essentially, to find the strength within myself to do what I need to do.
This is a painful path we walk to get ourselves on track. But the rewards are so fantastic, for it will allow us to walk openly, freely, and with pride and self-confidence. We'll be so much stronger for doing what we need to do to take care of ourselves. We'll have so much more to offer!
Well, I was going to address others who write here directly, but you know, in many ways I just did. So I'll let it stand at that for now, with the knowledge that you all know I'm grateful for you, thinking of you.
It's a gorgeous spring day here in the north country. Finally, springtime! I'm enjoying improved connections with those I love, better communication, and I think improved trust as well. I still greatly enjoy my time alone, and treasure it really. It's still easiest for me to be alone, though I'm grateful for the knowing I have good friends and loving family surrounding me. I have a 20-week ultrasound next Wednesday which I'm nervous about and excited for. Hoping for a healthy baby. Doing my best now to take good care of myself in the meantime, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, all.
Peace to all!
It's really hard sometimes to do what we KNOW is right, for us and for another in a relationship. Follow your heart, listen to your internal self. You know what is the right thing to do. Don't let your fears of conversation or confrontation or abandonment or disapproval or any of that stop you from doing what is right.
I know, easier said than done. I'm so much in the learning process of employing those very practices I preach. I'm too quick to backpedal and retreat into codie ways. Sacrificing myself so others can be happy, or at least, not upset for the moment. But you know, it's not genuine, and it's not lasting if it's not real. Be Real! Be true to yourself. That's really the ONLY way to peace and happiness.
Like you, I give and give and give and hold in so much until kablewey, I explode. It's happened so many times. I'm slowly learning to diffuse before bursting. It's so much better that way, for everyone involved.
And yet, I struggle with it so! Last night I woke in a panicky sweat, again enduring the same recurring nightmare I've been plagued with for a lifetime. In the dream I'm screaming, crying out for help, as loud as I can, but can't make a sound. And for that, no-one can hear me. It's like I'm trapped inside myself, alone. It's a scary place, to want help but be so unable to ask for it, or do anything to help myself.
But that's what it comes down to. Finding my voice, to learn to ask for help, to do it in a way others can hear, and essentially, to find the strength within myself to do what I need to do.
This is a painful path we walk to get ourselves on track. But the rewards are so fantastic, for it will allow us to walk openly, freely, and with pride and self-confidence. We'll be so much stronger for doing what we need to do to take care of ourselves. We'll have so much more to offer!
Well, I was going to address others who write here directly, but you know, in many ways I just did. So I'll let it stand at that for now, with the knowledge that you all know I'm grateful for you, thinking of you.
It's a gorgeous spring day here in the north country. Finally, springtime! I'm enjoying improved connections with those I love, better communication, and I think improved trust as well. I still greatly enjoy my time alone, and treasure it really. It's still easiest for me to be alone, though I'm grateful for the knowing I have good friends and loving family surrounding me. I have a 20-week ultrasound next Wednesday which I'm nervous about and excited for. Hoping for a healthy baby. Doing my best now to take good care of myself in the meantime, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, all.
Peace to all!
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,600
Kendra,
I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. Relationships are just really hard sometimes and I do understand that you are questioning yourself about the breakup. I think you did what you believe is the right thing, and you just need to give yourself a little time. I do know, from experience, that if you give too much, you will lose yourself completely. That was me and I fell apart, with nothing left. Hold onto yourself and take care of you.
I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. Relationships are just really hard sometimes and I do understand that you are questioning yourself about the breakup. I think you did what you believe is the right thing, and you just need to give yourself a little time. I do know, from experience, that if you give too much, you will lose yourself completely. That was me and I fell apart, with nothing left. Hold onto yourself and take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kendra)))
I'm sorry you're in so much pain, but I think you are doing what you know is best for you. It's hard, when we're not used to taking care of us, to suddenly start doing that, but it does get easier and we do look back and wonder why we lived "the other way" for so long? :ghug3
I can't believe I haven't been here for a few days! I am doing good. Things are calm at the house, despite dad mentioning "divorce" quite often. One friend/coworker (who's gf, who is ALSO a friend and just had their 3rd child) has been arrested, awaiting sentencing. Failed a drug screen and can only be around his kids 4 hrs a day. He is quacking and I'm not falling for it. He's been fired again, but continues to show up, begging for money, even though he's not getting it.
One of the mgrs I thought I could trust is under suspicion for stealing from work. My name is on some of the transactions, but so are several other servers..the mgr is the only constant. Needless to say, things at work are a bit tense, but I am "rising above it" again.
I am hoping to visit an SR friend who's son is in the hospital. It's really cool to have an SR friend actually live close enough to visit!!
I'm still not smoking, on day 11. Today is tough, but it just reminds me that this is an addiction, and just because the last few days were really easy, I'm still going to have days that aren't so easy. Trying to convince Brit to quit, but she's not ready. Stepmom doesn't even want to try.
Going to curl up with the furbabies and watch TV, now
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry you're in so much pain, but I think you are doing what you know is best for you. It's hard, when we're not used to taking care of us, to suddenly start doing that, but it does get easier and we do look back and wonder why we lived "the other way" for so long? :ghug3
I can't believe I haven't been here for a few days! I am doing good. Things are calm at the house, despite dad mentioning "divorce" quite often. One friend/coworker (who's gf, who is ALSO a friend and just had their 3rd child) has been arrested, awaiting sentencing. Failed a drug screen and can only be around his kids 4 hrs a day. He is quacking and I'm not falling for it. He's been fired again, but continues to show up, begging for money, even though he's not getting it.
One of the mgrs I thought I could trust is under suspicion for stealing from work. My name is on some of the transactions, but so are several other servers..the mgr is the only constant. Needless to say, things at work are a bit tense, but I am "rising above it" again.
I am hoping to visit an SR friend who's son is in the hospital. It's really cool to have an SR friend actually live close enough to visit!!
I'm still not smoking, on day 11. Today is tough, but it just reminds me that this is an addiction, and just because the last few days were really easy, I'm still going to have days that aren't so easy. Trying to convince Brit to quit, but she's not ready. Stepmom doesn't even want to try.
Going to curl up with the furbabies and watch TV, now
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
Thanks for the replies. I went to a ACoA meeting tonight and the topic was trust. It really hit home for me and I'm very glad I went. My biggest issue with the bf is that I no longer trust him. I don't know if I ever did but over time it got much worse. I also did somethings in the relationship that broke his trust also. I'm just not healthy enough to have a healthy relationship right now. WOW that is painful....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kendra)))
I don't think I'M healthy enough for a relationship, either. I'm still working on me, and that's okay. Every relationship I've had has been a codie one. If I get into another one, I want it to be with a man who ENHANCES my life...not because I think he COMPLETES my life.
I'm actually enjoying this time, learning what I like, what makes me, me. Even my family has commented on how much happier I seem. I didn't get this way overnight, but you'll get there, sweetie...just focus on you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I don't think I'M healthy enough for a relationship, either. I'm still working on me, and that's okay. Every relationship I've had has been a codie one. If I get into another one, I want it to be with a man who ENHANCES my life...not because I think he COMPLETES my life.
I'm actually enjoying this time, learning what I like, what makes me, me. Even my family has commented on how much happier I seem. I didn't get this way overnight, but you'll get there, sweetie...just focus on you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
April 15
Communication
Part of our power is learning to communicate, clearly, directly, and assertively. We don't have to beat around the bush in our conversations to control the reactions of others. Guilt-producing comments only produce guilt. We don't have to fix or take care of people with our words; we can't expect others to take care of us with words either. We can settle for being heard and accepted. And we can respectfully listen to what others have to say.
Hinting at what we need doesn't work. Others can't read our mind, and they're likely to resent our indirectness . The best way to take responsibility for what we want is to ask for it directly. And, we can insist on directness from others. If we need to say no to a particular request, we can. If someone is trying to control us through a conversation, we can refuse to participate.
Acknowledging feelings such as disappointment or anger directly, instead of making others guess at our feelings or having our feelings come out in other ways, is part of responsible communication. If we don't know what we want to say, we can say that too.
We can ask for information and use words to forge a closer connection, but we don't have to take people around the block with our conversations. We don't have to listen to, or participate in, nonsense. We can say what we want and stop when we're done.
Today, I will communicate clearly and directly in my conversations with others. I will strive to avoid manipulative, indirect, or guilt-producing statements. I can be tactful and gentle whenever possible. And I can be assertive if necessary.
April 15
Communication
Part of our power is learning to communicate, clearly, directly, and assertively. We don't have to beat around the bush in our conversations to control the reactions of others. Guilt-producing comments only produce guilt. We don't have to fix or take care of people with our words; we can't expect others to take care of us with words either. We can settle for being heard and accepted. And we can respectfully listen to what others have to say.
Hinting at what we need doesn't work. Others can't read our mind, and they're likely to resent our indirectness . The best way to take responsibility for what we want is to ask for it directly. And, we can insist on directness from others. If we need to say no to a particular request, we can. If someone is trying to control us through a conversation, we can refuse to participate.
Acknowledging feelings such as disappointment or anger directly, instead of making others guess at our feelings or having our feelings come out in other ways, is part of responsible communication. If we don't know what we want to say, we can say that too.
We can ask for information and use words to forge a closer connection, but we don't have to take people around the block with our conversations. We don't have to listen to, or participate in, nonsense. We can say what we want and stop when we're done.
Today, I will communicate clearly and directly in my conversations with others. I will strive to avoid manipulative, indirect, or guilt-producing statements. I can be tactful and gentle whenever possible. And I can be assertive if necessary.
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,600
Kendra,
I understand it must be very painful to admit you're not healthy enough to be in a relationship right now.
But, do you know how brave you are to be able to see that and to know you're doing the right thing. You can continue to work on yourself and when you are ready for a relationship, the right person will come into your life.
I understand it must be very painful to admit you're not healthy enough to be in a relationship right now.
But, do you know how brave you are to be able to see that and to know you're doing the right thing. You can continue to work on yourself and when you are ready for a relationship, the right person will come into your life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
Today has been a weird day as far as emotions go. I woke up feeling at ease and peaceful... Then there were times tears dampened my face... Then back to peaceful...lol
Todays reading was really good for me. I'm learning how to do and hear healthy communication. The more I learn the more I see just how much I did not know.
It was very hard not to email the ex bf today. I miss our emails throughout the day. I just wanna pick up a friendship with him... But I know that I'm not ready for that and it would not be far for me to do that to him... I just want the pain to go away.. This will be the first time in my whole life that I'm not running from the pain. My pattern is to get right into my next relationship or take something like xanx in order to not deal with the pain....
Todays reading was really good for me. I'm learning how to do and hear healthy communication. The more I learn the more I see just how much I did not know.
It was very hard not to email the ex bf today. I miss our emails throughout the day. I just wanna pick up a friendship with him... But I know that I'm not ready for that and it would not be far for me to do that to him... I just want the pain to go away.. This will be the first time in my whole life that I'm not running from the pain. My pattern is to get right into my next relationship or take something like xanx in order to not deal with the pain....
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Hello everyone..
I sort of got stuck yesterday on another thread telling about an issue, I won't
go into it here.
Fall))) similar to yours with the dream..very disturbing..it may be a tinge of PTSD.
I did see a nurse at the clinic yesterday as I was so out of sorts..he insisted I have
my thyroid checked again. It sounds like..going by my symptoms..that the levels may
have dropped again, and my bipolar meds will not do much good without good
thyroid function. (Foggy. scattered thinking, fatigue, can cause nightmares..etc)
I need to do this tomorrow.
Kendra))))
I am so glad to see you posting here!
I know we don't give advice..but I will say, like Fall said..trust your inner self.
"Loneliness" doesn't last forever. Weigh the pain of what you have been
going through with a little peace and serenity. That will come in time.
Grieving a relationship takes time. It is nothing anyone looks forward to or
wishes to experience. I just wish the best for you..and what life has to
offer you. I happen to think you are a compassionate, warm..and wonderful
woman who deserves good things!
I sort of got stuck yesterday on another thread telling about an issue, I won't
go into it here.
Fall))) similar to yours with the dream..very disturbing..it may be a tinge of PTSD.
I did see a nurse at the clinic yesterday as I was so out of sorts..he insisted I have
my thyroid checked again. It sounds like..going by my symptoms..that the levels may
have dropped again, and my bipolar meds will not do much good without good
thyroid function. (Foggy. scattered thinking, fatigue, can cause nightmares..etc)
I need to do this tomorrow.
Kendra))))
I am so glad to see you posting here!
I know we don't give advice..but I will say, like Fall said..trust your inner self.
"Loneliness" doesn't last forever. Weigh the pain of what you have been
going through with a little peace and serenity. That will come in time.
Grieving a relationship takes time. It is nothing anyone looks forward to or
wishes to experience. I just wish the best for you..and what life has to
offer you. I happen to think you are a compassionate, warm..and wonderful
woman who deserves good things!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by KendraOH 
I just want the pain to go away.. This will be the first time in my whole life that I'm not running from the pain. My pattern is to get right into my next relationship or take something like xanx in order to not deal with the pain....
We have to walk through the discomfort to get past it. I always ended up shooting myself in the foot because I'd fall back into the 'security' of dysfunctional relationships rather than realize I would not die from the discomfort.
:ghug :ghug
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
April 16
Taking Care Of Ourselves
We often refer to recovery from codependency and adult child issues as "self-care." Self-care is not, as some may think, a spin-off of the "me generation." It isn't self-indulgence. It isn't selfishness - in the negative interpretation of that word.
We're learning to take care of ourselves, instead of obsessively focusing on another person. We're learning self-responsibility, instead of feeling excessively responsible for others. Self-care also means tending to our true responsibilities to others; we do this better when we're not feeling overly responsible.
Self-care sometimes means "me first," but usually, "me too." It means we are responsible for ourselves and can choose to no longer be victims.
Self-care means learning to love the person we're responsible for taking care of - ourselves. We do not do this to hibernate in a cocoon of isolation and self-indulgence; we do it so we can better love others, and learn to let them love us.
Self-care isn't selfish; it's self-esteem.
Today, God, help me love myself. Help me let go of feeling excessively responsible for those around me. Show me what I need to do to take care of myself and be appropriately responsible to others.
April 16
Taking Care Of Ourselves
We often refer to recovery from codependency and adult child issues as "self-care." Self-care is not, as some may think, a spin-off of the "me generation." It isn't self-indulgence. It isn't selfishness - in the negative interpretation of that word.
We're learning to take care of ourselves, instead of obsessively focusing on another person. We're learning self-responsibility, instead of feeling excessively responsible for others. Self-care also means tending to our true responsibilities to others; we do this better when we're not feeling overly responsible.
Self-care sometimes means "me first," but usually, "me too." It means we are responsible for ourselves and can choose to no longer be victims.
Self-care means learning to love the person we're responsible for taking care of - ourselves. We do not do this to hibernate in a cocoon of isolation and self-indulgence; we do it so we can better love others, and learn to let them love us.
Self-care isn't selfish; it's self-esteem.
Today, God, help me love myself. Help me let go of feeling excessively responsible for those around me. Show me what I need to do to take care of myself and be appropriately responsible to others.
Last edited by grateful2b; 04-15-2009 at 11:05 PM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Good morning to all my fellow codies. I'm off to the doctor's later this morning. I've been dizzy/nauseous since Sunday, and there's some nasty stomach bug going around, which is why they couldn't get me in any sooner.
I did get a script for the nausea in the interim because I just had the hernia repair in January, and Lord knows there's still plenty of the old incision site from the stomach surgery to tear open if I got really sick and started vomiting. That's how I ended up with the hernia in the first place. Ugh.
At least I got 3 of my 4 college classes extended, so I'm throwing myself into my ICD-9-CM coding class as the final has to be taken in that one between April 26-May 3. Then I can wipe out the other 3 classes this summer.
I did get a script for the nausea in the interim because I just had the hernia repair in January, and Lord knows there's still plenty of the old incision site from the stomach surgery to tear open if I got really sick and started vomiting. That's how I ended up with the hernia in the first place. Ugh.
At least I got 3 of my 4 college classes extended, so I'm throwing myself into my ICD-9-CM coding class as the final has to be taken in that one between April 26-May 3. Then I can wipe out the other 3 classes this summer.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
(((((((Freedom)))))))))
I hope you feel better real soon!!
I talked to my ex bf when he called last night. I was beating myself up over that... But I"m done doing that...
I'm still willing to talk.... Now, If I can learn to take care of myself.....
I'm loving the new smiles...
I hope you feel better real soon!!
I talked to my ex bf when he called last night. I was beating myself up over that... But I"m done doing that...
I'm still willing to talk.... Now, If I can learn to take care of myself.....
I'm loving the new smiles...
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