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Codependency and Beyond Part 3

Old 03-29-2009, 08:20 PM
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Oh, Frazzled, welcome to SR. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. You will find so much experience and strength and help from the members.

We all, to a certain extent harbor resentment toward the A's in our lives. We, the codies, tend to take on all the problems of the world and wear ourselves out trying to fix things that we have no business trying to fix.

Please understand that you are not responsible for your husband's decisions. You need to try to take a bit of time for yourself right now as you move forward. Allow yourself to get some extra rest, fix a nice, simple meal for you and your son, pop some popcorn tomorrow night and rent a goofy movie.....

One step at a time, one day at a time. It does get better! Hugs and prayers to you!

HG

p.s. There is a lot of GREAT information on the Friends of Family of Alcoholics forum. Read through the threads at the top of the forum page for some general information and then introduce yourself. You will be greeted warmly and surrounded by kindness and support!
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Old 03-29-2009, 08:35 PM
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Welcome frazzled, I know how you feel, I've been there. Hang in there, things will get better. You can get lots of help here from everyone. Have you looked into Alanon meetings, that would be very helpful too...
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Old 03-29-2009, 09:16 PM
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Welcome Frazzled.

Right now..just be.

Focus on you, and that precious boy of yours. He needs you.

Keep sharing..talking things out helps so much. The Friends and Family of Alcoholics

Forum, as hydrogirl recommended, is great. But stay here with us too.

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Old 03-29-2009, 10:19 PM
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Welcome,((( Frazzeled)))...I am sorry for what you have been through...and I am glad that you are choosing to put your son, your unborn child and and yourself first...I, too, would like to suggest Al-Anon meetings..they will be able to help you with a lot of the emotions you are dealing with regarding your husband. There is also some wonderful support over in Friends and Family of Alcoholics.....I am so glad you have come to our little corner...:ghug3
Sending you prayers for serenity and strength...

Last edited by grateful2b; 03-29-2009 at 10:48 PM.
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Old 03-29-2009, 10:47 PM
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You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

March 30

Experiment

Experiment. Try something new. Try stepping out.

We have been held back too long. We have held ourselves back too long.

As children many of us were deprived of the right to experiment. Many of us are depriving ourselves of the right to experiment and learn as adults.

Now is the time to experiment. It is an important part of recovery. Let yourself try things. Let yourself try something new. Yes, you will make mistakes. But from those mistakes, you can learn what your values are.

Somethings we just won't like. That's good. Then we'll know a little more about who we are and what we don't like.

Somethings we will like. They will work with our values. They will work with who we are, and we will discover something important and life-enriching.

There is a quiet time in recovery, a time to stand still and heal, a time to give ourselves a cooling-off time. This is a time of introspection and healing. It is an important time. We deal with our issues.

There also comes a time when it is equally important to experiment, to begin to test the water.

Recovery does not equal abstention from life. Recovery means learning to live and learning to live fully. Recovery means exploration, investigation, experimentation.

Recovery means being done with the rigid shame-based rules from the past, and formulating healthy values based on self-love, love for others, and living in harmony with this world.

Experiment. Try something new. Maybe you won't like it. Maybe you'll make a mistake. But maybe you will like it, and maybe you will discover something you love.

Today, I will give myself permission to experiment in life. I will stop rigidly holding myself back, and I will jump in when jumping in feels right. God , help me let go of my need to deprive myself of being alive.
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Old 03-29-2009, 11:44 PM
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(((Frazzled)))

Welcome!! I'm a recovering addict, have been in relationships with addicts and alcoholics, and have been a codie (codependent) most of my life. I find a lot of support here, and in the friends & family forums. I agree with everyone on the alanon meetings, even though I don't go, because of my crazy work schedule.

It's hard to break old habits and start taking care of ourselves, but it's the best thing we can do for everyone involved..including the acoholic or addict. I hope you continue to read and post.

I came home a little early from work tonight We had enough people, the "kid" came in at 8 and wanted to leave early, so he could come back in at 11. I told him he's 21, and can easily do those hours on 8 hours of sleep..I'm old, tired and had a headache, so I was going home early. I actually only left an hour before we closed, but got to miss out on the 2 hours of cleaning up!!

I've been stuck working the cash register for 3 nights, which means not many tips. Nothing I could do about it..one person got sick, one was on vacation, and "old reliable" jumped in I won't lose my job to make a point, and my coworkers were all chipping in to fill in the gaps, so even though it was frustrating, I'm okay with it. I even gave a ride home to the girl who caused so much trouble, for me, a few weeks ago.

In the past, I would have moaned and groaned, and stayed at work, ill as a hornet. I did vent, but told my mgr that I understand and it's just the way things happened, but that I would like to go home early. She said "okay, no problem". Wow, I think I threw off my superwoman cape, and actually did something for me I haven't made nearly the money I usually do....I have enough, right?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-30-2009, 01:55 AM
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When I came out of rehab, I got a home group and Sponsor etc etc. She told me to go and do something silly! Well that flummoxed me....the only thing I could think of was to go on a children's carousel they had in the park. I didn't though. Since then I have tried doing things for fun and things out of my comfort zone, but I still struggle, not because I don't deserve them but because I'm still learning to experiment and so used to just doing the same old things!

Maybe I can have another think about "experimentation" today.
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Old 03-30-2009, 04:28 AM
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Hmmm....maybe a walk at lunch time? Maybe lunch outside?! OK...depending on the weather. Maybe go play on the swings at the local park....I love swings!!!!!!!!!!!

Perhaps even a different approach at the lab meeting this afternoon when it's my turn to talk about my work.....

((SG)) I'm right there with you in that my fiance and I are still having to turn his son over to his HP every morning :ghug2

Wow, Amy, you asked for what you wanted for your self and, voila, you received it!!!! Great job and great news! Hope that headache went away....

Frazzled, we hope you stop back by! We want to know how you are feeling today!

Hugs to all, HG
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Old 03-30-2009, 07:25 AM
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Amy, that's great, those superwoman capes get so heavy sometimes. LOL.

HG, enjoy your walk! That's one of my favorite times to chill and relax.


I need to put down some thoughts, so I thank everyone who reads this for their patience.

I have PTSD, not from a specific incident, but from continuous abuse growing up.

My PTSD affects me the most when:

1) I am doing something enjoyable, eg. if I'm on vacation and having a great time - the thoughts will come fast and furious, as if to say, ' how dare you enjoy yourself, don't you remember this'

2) I am stressed

At this particular time, I am both. My daughter's baby will come in about a month and I am very excited about that, but there are some serious physical problems, and we're not sure what to expect. So, there have been times this past week when I have been overwhelmed with negative thoughts and memories. They seem to be related to the 'baby' thing. EG, my daughter who was 2 at the time fell down the basement stairs when we were moving into a new house. She ended up ended up with a huge bump on her head and a black eye, and to this day, it haunts me. That memory has been popping up, full force, while I'm grocery shopping or whatever, and throwing me off balance.

I'm hoping, that by writing and sharing this, it will help me to stay in the moment.

Thanks, friends!
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Old 03-30-2009, 09:25 AM
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Anna)))

I've been praying for daughter and the baby. I will add your peace to my list.

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Old 03-30-2009, 10:12 AM
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Amy, you just sound so darn great..inspite of all the stuff going on...good for you!

I have begun to explore watercoloring...I love the medium...and I am trying to teach myself how to play the Irish Whistle...I *love the delicious freedom that comes from giving myself the opportunity to 'play'....my time.. my joy.. my life..

(((Anna))) I, too, have PTSD, with roots in my childhood...and I really appreciate your share on this....prayers for mom and baby continue....wishing you a peaceful day
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Old 03-30-2009, 10:48 AM
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You are reading from Codependents' Guide To The Twelve Steps by Melody Beattie

"Surrender happens of its own accord. It just dawns on me. Then, my life starts to get more manageable."
-Bob T

Step One

"We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable."
-Step One of CODA

The first time I heard this Step, I didn't get it. I didn't understand. It felt dark, scary, and untrue.

Powerless over others? My life - unmanageable?

I thought I was in complete control of myself and others. I thought there was no circumstance too overwhelming, no feeling so great that I couldn't handle it by sheer force of willpower. I thought being in control was expected of me. It was my job. That's how I got through life!

And I thought my life looked so much more manageable than the lives of those around me - until I started looking within. That's when I found the undercurrent of fear, anger, pain, loneliness, emptiness, and needs that had controlled me most of my life.

That's when I took my eyes off the other person long enough to take a look at the state of affairs of my life.

That's when I began to find a life and come alive.

"I didn't know about power and powerlessness," said Mary, talking about the First Step. "Being a victim and being in control was how I was in power. If I was powerless, then someone else was in control."

Now we are learning a better way to own our power than being victims and being controlling. It begins by admitting and accepting the truth about ourselves and our relationships.

We are powerless over others. When we try to exert power where we have none, our lives at some level may become unmanageable.
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Old 03-30-2009, 10:57 AM
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Wow, Grateful, painting and music to express yourself! That's great and it's so brave to try new things.

It took me a lot of years to figure out that I was powerless over other people. It was especially hard with my children and husband. Letting go was what saved my life.
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Old 03-30-2009, 11:15 AM
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I think if I hadn't hit my bottom so hard , I wouldn't have been able to be so grateful to finally let go
When I finally realized, I didn't have to , that was the ticket for me!....I really believed , heart and soul, that it was my job...what a relief to learn it wasn't...
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Old 03-30-2009, 11:27 AM
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(((Anna)))

I, too, have been praying for your grandbaby and will add peace for you to my prayers. I never had PTSD until the robbery, but now understand it a little more. I still don't realize all the triggers until they happen and I see it in hindsight, though some I recognize right away (like at work, when I find myself ready to run out the nearest door!) Everything I've learned, in dealing with the feelings, has come from all of you here, so thanks!!

Funny thing about experimenting. I haven't done anything FUN, but I have been experimenting with new behaviors at work. I got tired of asking everyone to do their job, and getting flack and arguments from a certain few. So, I just decided to start doing MY part, and saying "this is what's left" and walking off. Amazingly, it's worked. Guess you could say I'm experimenting with codie recovery?

Now, I need to find something FUN to experiment with!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-30-2009, 11:32 AM
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Amy, your attitude is great!

Yes, I get a lot of my spiritual/mental health education here too!
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Old 03-30-2009, 12:31 PM
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Thanks everyone again for the encouragement. Im feeling a little more relaxed and rested today. I took my son to school this morning and came back home and went to bed. I really neeeded the rest! My husband came and woke me up on his lunch break, yes he works and has had same job over a year but all his money goes to himself, he's never helped pay one bill or groceries etc... He came at me with the same thing i've heard over and over...he's going to stop drinking and be the husband i need, i'm more important than drinking and he wants to raise our baby together. He wanted to know how long it would take for me to see and to let him come back home. I told him i couldn't answer that. I know there's still a small part inside that hopes he means it this time but I know i don't feel anywhere near as hopeful as i have all the other times. Im just trying to put my mind into my son and getting myself stronger and not letting his decisions have so much power over my emotions. About the alanon, I've read alot on the internet about it and it sounds great. There are no meetings in my town but I will definately be checking some out soon in a nearby town. Im hoping I get my medical card this week so i can get to the doctor, im worried if the baby is ok. Im making myself eat whether i want to or not. I've lost over 20 lbs in last 6 months, my family thinks im doing drugs, they don't understand and i don't want to involve them in my marriage. hope everyone has a happy and blessed day! With God all things are possible!
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Old 03-30-2009, 12:36 PM
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(((Frazzled)))

Although I understand not wanting family involved in your marriage, you really need to find some support for YOU, sweetie. Trying to take on all this by yourself is a heavy burden. Of course, we will be here for you, but I do hope you find some f2f support soon.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-30-2009, 02:22 PM
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What great shares from everyone!!!
((Anna)) prayers for you and your family and baby, put it all in Gods hands..

((Frazzled)) so glad your posting here with us, what you can tell your husband when he asked what he can do, tell him to go do something about his drinking and have him prove that he is really trying and staying sober before he can come back home. It's good that your taking care of yourself..

Thanks ((Grateful)) for the Step one reading, yes it is such a relief to realize we don't have to be in control!!!!

((Amy)) I love that, when at work how you just do your part, and let someone else do the rest...
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Old 03-30-2009, 04:40 PM
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Greetings All!
Pleased to be here reading and writing this blustry wintery evening, listening to the wind howl as yet another winter storm bears down across the region. While enjoying just made hot chicken and dumplings and listening to the sound of the just arrived chicks from the hatchery. (for fun AND food!) Spring will arrive, and meanwhile I do my best to enjoy the last days of winter.

(((Anna))) Oh the stresses the worries about cares about others bring. We do worry about those we love, the born and the unborn. That's a healthy concern. It's the negatives that burden us that it's important to be aware of their source, their place in reality. It can be difficult to distinguish between healthy concern and unhealthy worry. I wish you the best in finding a peaceful balance in this, and your daughter the best of health and a healthy delivery.

Impurrfect, you DO sound good! It's fun reading of where you're at in your thinking. I like your strength.

Welcome Frazzled. It's good you found us. Your situation has some interesting parallels to my own. At around 10 weeks pregnant my mate moved out at my insistance. I NEEDED him to move, so tired of the way I was being regarded, the way I allowed him to treat me needed to change, and I knew neither he nor I could do it with him being here. Now I'm 17 weeks along, he's living elsewhere, we're trying to work things out but old habits die hard. Change is hard, but necessary. Sometimes we have to be very insistant, even more so when not only our health but the welfare of our unborn depends on it.

Don't be afraid to look to your family for support. I shyed away from my family for years, so afraid of their judgment of me, for my mistakes, decades of drug use, a 15-year long failed marriage, current relationship difficulties, I pushed them away. They worry about me, I know. But they care about me, I know that too. They're there so full of support. Speaking for myself, I know I greatly benefit from the encouragment and strength of my family and friends, and now I need it more than ever as everything is becoming more challenging by the day with all the changes ongoing. Do take care of yourself friend!

Peace to you all...
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