cinderellawkids

Good morning all, well it took a bit to catch up.

First of all NEVER < i juat want it said that my pets really dont cost me much, adn the kids pay for theirs with money they get for spending from my family.

ALso kids do not eat raman noodles thats my lunch, but we eat alotta cheap caserole dishes, brown rice, beans, ect.
(Just wanted to clear that up.)
Dinner went good. We had a medium meal. Haha Ha. We got chinese at this little place. It was awesome and theres lots of left overs. Kids came, yes. I dont do babysitters and family will not watch them if we are gonna be together.
He also bought me a new cell since mine broke ( a cheap one I picked, but it works thats what matters) and he gave me $100 for groceries, which with the way Ive been bargain shopping, that can go a real real long way.

But even witha great evening, guys somethings not right...
He talked of things he'd learned in past counseling ect and how he doesnt want that life and he's gonna be somebody. That he hasnt done drugs in a long time and he's done with liquor cause he gets angry at first shot, blah blah
But he then switched to how a few beers are no prob ,ect, and I dont know, I tried to listen and be open minded but I think its the illusion of control and I told him point lank, if you are drinking any alcohol I cant be with you, it triggers bad memories like PTSD. I cant do it.
The man then smoked a whole pack of cigs. (He never used to.) Maybe thats his way of adjusting, but... and I know its good to talk about how you feel, but I saw dry alkie signs.

Course then there was a look, Ive changed I brought you money ect, why are you mad? Duh, I refuse to discuss alcohol with him after the h*** its brought, it always started with a 6 pack, then 12, then bottle, bam.

So like Teke was talking I do think the money is a form of control, they are trying to make it okay and you know peace is more important.

Teke, keep going with your gut and I will too.

Also everyone, on another thread someone mentioned inner critic. Is that why when our As say stuff it gets too us so, cause our inner critic has been saying it all along?

Lovestoomuch

What does your gut tell you cindi? Sounds like a whole lotta quackin goin on IMO. But then again............ Shank used to do that to me. I don't know how much control the money thing is really more than the validation they want that they are actually contributing. I'ts like they've been this slime bag for so long, but they help out once or twice and feel the need to remind us of the "good thing" they've done.........like it should out weigh the rest.

Personally I think if he's not in a program that would be a problem for me. Just up and saying I quit is great, but how long can he keep it up?

cinderellawkids

I agree loves.

My gut, well my gut says the cycle will continue.

Money has no more control over me at leats not from him, because with him all is temporary, it has been for so long. At this point, he could never ever use or drink again but Id still sit ready for the next time, and I will not live that way, theres just too much past, too much history and I continue to learn about me. Chinese was really good though

Lovestoomuch

I think ............when Shank used to be able to hand me $100......and that was a stretch for him, it was his way of feeling good about himself. I really believe it was more for him than for me. Its like I said. Once they do something they ought to be doing in the first place they can sit back and say "here.....look what I HAVE done for you". At that point, I stopped taking money from him. You deserve what he gives you. He owes you for his child. It's his responsibility to support that child. Try to remember that and don't let any mushy feelings get in the mix.

cinderellawkids

Im sure he feels good about himself, hes working, low paying ,job, but likes it. Once again has desires and goals for more of a life. I think all that is good, just a bit too late.

I have often wished we could drink together like the old days, but I refuse to step down on that boundary. In my heart it is over, it hurts, but theres nothing left.

Im actually content staying home doing nothing and going to bed early on a Friday night, he never will be.

As many do in time we grew into 2 completely different people
substances or no substances, doenst matter

Lovestoomuch

That's sort of what happened to Shank and I too. I worked my program and got stronger and more independent with each step. He remained the same.........clean or using, he remained the same. Then expected us to just pick up where we left off. Left off where?? So much had happened there was no just picking back up. It would have been different if there had been maybe 1 small incident, but there wasn't. There had been many big incidents and that's just too big of a hump to get over..........too much to think about and worry about all the time. The trust was completely gone. IMO.........once the trust is gone, that's it. You'll drive yourself insane for the rest of your life or until you feel comfortable to trust again. Even then I'd be afraid. God bless those who can stay, but for me...........no thanks.

Lovestoomuch

I have to be productive today. I've been laying around all week with this thing. So, with this sickness I haven't done a lick of house work and let me tell you something ladies..............it needs it bad.

I'd hire Never's cleaning lady, but by the time I pay for the flight down and her wage, then the flight back it would cost me just as much to burn the place to the ground and start over lol.

I've never let anything go for this long. It's caaarazy I tell you.

I know it seems as though I feel great right now, but I'm sitting with my behind planted in a chair and the only part of my body moving is my fingers lol.

Any tips for a boost?? I need some energy. I have that sluggish ugh feeling. I am having a cup of hot tea as opposed to coffee. I rather like it. I wonder how many cups I'll have to consume for that umpf to kick into high gear.

I slept well last night. Got at least 8 hours of sleep which for me is a freaking miracle. So I feel better than I have been. I just get so overwhelmed when I look around. Maybe I should just start with one little area at a time.

cinderellawkids

I dont know Loves, Im trying to get the energy to shop vac my tile floors for pet hair and I just cant start. Kids are so wound up Im gonna send them outside

Live

Good morning,

Hey, I got a whole night's sleep without waking up every couple of hours, and wow what a difference it makes in how I feel!

Unfortunately hubby is totally miserable. He has taken less than the prescribed morphine and the side effects just keep growing worse and the pain relief not enough. We are going back to VA and this time, (I didn't go last time, I was working so as not to let Edie down-resentment there) I am going and I am the one who can see the forest for the trees and am more willing to speak up. Drs don't intimidate me no matter how hard they try. (Some, this one, does). He should have been out of his morphine today and he has about 10 left. I am going to ask a couple of people here whom I know well about the best way to detox over the next couple of days.
The Dr is worried about people drug-seeking. I've news for him. This stuff is sh1t and we are not going to go that route. Put him on oxycontin, do the surgery, do what you have to but no more morphine. He says he didn't sleep 10 minutes last night and this has been going on for awhile. He says he almost lost his mind with the roaring/yawning sound in his head that is like torture. It has messed with his personality the first day he took it, and I would adjust if it were good for him, but it is not.

I would love to give him one of my xanax to give him just a little relief for a little while but when they do the drug screen if that shows up, he is kicked out of the chronic pain clinic for life!

Cinder, you have been unsure about what level you want to be involved with AH for awhile. I think all of us went through that. When you have had enough you will know it. I just don't see that you are there yet even tho' I think you would like to be.

Unlike Loves, either of my ex's can give me money any time they want...call it restitution or any damn thing you want. But it won't buy them anything from me. Not even a thank you.

Lovestoomuch

Hmmmmm..........so I've been thinking. YOU'RE HIRED! lol. There should really be more doctors like you.

It's times like these I'm greatful I don't have any face to face friends who just decide to "pop" by. No one has to see this place but me. Although I can't take it much longer myself. I have 1 dog and one cat who only comes in when he wants to play with Roxy and eat. I had no idea pugs shed like they do. Discusting!! Nothing is worse than the smell of animal when you walk into a place. When I'm up to par, you can't tell I have any pets. But this week.............phew! And......you don't realize how many cigarettes you smoke until you don't empty out your ash tray. That's something else that's a pet peeve with me although I've managed to overcome it.

cinderellawkids

How do kis make such a mess? you clean and as you turn around its back, this is insane. Has anyone used flea powder on cats? I cant get the advantage and Im not sure what else to do and I promised Snoopy relief.

Live

Anvil, good morning, car rides are not good for sore backs! Sorry about that.

A full night's sleep for you too Loves! Ain't it great. Take it easy. You haven't even done the 10 day antibiotic yet and you want to be superwoman. Those artificial energy boosts aren't the answer. Maybe have a multivitamin. You can't karate kick an systemic infection. Sorry.

teke

cindy, listening to your responses is helping me more than you know, seems like i'm having some of the same issues. i agree with loves, now i have to go back and re read what she said.lol

cinderellawkids

Back at you Teke.
Its a process and with each moment you and I both are getting higher up the ladder to recovery and happiness you know.

Actualy seems our AHs are on same cycles, we tossed them out 4 months ago at same time, had the no contact for a while ect.

Today I really feel like a wine spritzer, dont know why I just do, course I have gone some time now without my meds, so maybe my nerves and anxiousness just need a break.

BTW, you all will be happy to no Ive designated this a soda free weekend, drinking ice T instead, and yes my stomach seems to approve

Lovestoomuch

I imagine flea powder works........depends on what it is. My mother used to use 7 dust on EVERYTHING including the animals lol. NOw......back in the day 7 dust works, but I think fleas have evolved and are now super fleas. Nothing seems to affect them. Short of throwing the cat in the tub and washing it with dawn liquid (works great) I don't know really.

Seriously.......a full nights sleep is so wonderful!! I do feel better than I have in a while. Actually Noah called me last night and almost.......in a nice way, ordered me to bed. Hope he does that when I get home.........kinda turned me on. LOL J/K.....no not really, but still..........

I'll try to take it a little at a time. I don't want to feel crappy all over again. My butt needs to get back to work!! Noah sent me some money to get me by but do you know how much I hated him even having to offer???? I'm afraid my stubborn pride has gotten in the way a few times. I'd rather pick up cans off the side of the road, but in this case, I was too sick to do it lol.


Teke.........you're just too cute sometimes LOL.

cinderellawkids

Remember several Saturdays ago we were talking of plants and decor ect? I put pretty stones in that 24 inch mini patio pond and a few elephant ear plants. Waiting to see how they will do and trying to set up my gator head that spits water. Once the plants stop wilting it should look good.

Live

Loves, sometimes I don't understand you. Well and alot of other people either for that matter.

When it comes to being a couple everything is ours. My dime is your dime. And your dime is mine.

That does not hold true if you are in an addict or abusive relationship, but I'm not sure that qualifies as being a couple.

Ann

I'm not really here, just dusting up a little and staightening the blinds and will be gone soon, lol, but what about a flea collar? Before there ever was Advantage (which I love) flea collars did the trick. Or look on the internet and see what alternatives there might be.

I am shopping and cleaning today ladies, so keep it clean and ya won't be seeing me hanging around.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

cinderellawkids

Lo ves Im doing the dawn soap thing to the dog and Ive sprayed everything with home defense bug spray (should kill fleas and roaches in one swoop)

Cleaned little fury creatures cages already too. Need to start on my aquariums but Im, ummm stalling....

cinderellawkids

They must, them adn the animals. Thinking of setting up slip and slide and a few blow up kiddie pools in the yard, anyone wanna come play?

ANn, do you think flea collars work? They are cheap, may do that too, couldnt hurt