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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Part 21

Old 07-20-2007, 08:34 PM
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Okay, I have a bit of a problem....................

I lent a friend of mine money, because she said that she really, really, really needed it. And, since she has kids and all, I felt bad for her. So, then we were out the other day, and went to the store and she totally was buying all these frivilous things. Like perfume, dishes, etc. Now I feel like an ars. And, isn't it just wrong that she borrowed the money, and then spends it on stuff like that? I'm I wrong about this?
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Old 07-20-2007, 08:46 PM
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never, i know how you feel, and i don't think you are wrong for feeling the way that you do, but what do i know?

i payed my daughters way when we went on vacation to fla. one yr, cause she just didn't have any money, she was living with me at the time and the rest of the adult kids and their families were pooling together for this vacation and she would have been the only one of them who couldn't go, so i payed her total expense. well on the way home, they decided to stop at one of the wholesale warehouses, and i couldn't believe that after i had spent all of that money trying to let her enjoy her trip with no money, that she was about to but a 200.00 purse.

i was so hurt and i felt used. i think if you really need it, thats one thing but if its just so you can splurge then thats another story, unless you just have it to give. but why say you need it for one thing and use it for stuff you just don't have to have? that may make me kind of selfish, but thats just the way i think.
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Old 07-20-2007, 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted by nevergivingup View Post
Okay, I have a bit of a problem....................

I lent a friend of mine money, because she said that she really, really, really needed it. And, since she has kids and all, I felt bad for her. So, then we were out the other day, and went to the store and she totally was buying all these frivilous things. Like perfume, dishes, etc. Now I feel like an ars. And, isn't it just wrong that she borrowed the money, and then spends it on stuff like that? I'm I wrong about this?

I would be mad as hell!! And I agree with Teke. You did this out of the goodness of your heart and see that she's buying things that aren't neccesity items?? I'd have reached in her cart and broke every dish, candle and bottle of perfume in there LOL. Not really..........cuz then I'd have to buy them anyways, but I bet that would be the LAST time I'd ever do that.

No need for you to feel like an ass. IMO, she is an ass. It's crap like that that makes people not want to reach out when there are some genuine people out there who need the help.

IMO............it doesn't matter if $2.00 is spent on something like.........a smelly candle. If the money was borrowed for food, then by God, it should be spent on food.

Now with that said............can I borrow some money?? Just kidding.
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Old 07-20-2007, 08:54 PM
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it's not even about the money, cause I'm really not hurting for money, it just seems like a stab in the back. and I'm just really not sure if this friend is just that ignorant or that unfeeling that she would do something like that! i mean, if you're crying poverty, you spend the money on things you need, not things you want. I lived out of car with J a couple of years back when things got bad with xabf. We took as much as we could, and stashed away what money i was making and what money i had and scrimped on the lowest of low money for the basic needs to get the money together for a deposit on an apartment. But she, lives beyond her means. She has money coming in, and her exbf gives her child support, and now I'm finding out that her mother has been buying her groceries, and that she has a trip planned in the upcomming months! Is it rude or is she just stupid or is she just playing everyone?
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Old 07-20-2007, 08:56 PM
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It's like, you say you can't feed your kids, but then you've got an internet connection, a computer, a big tv, etc. She's like Cinder with all the pets. She must have a 100 of them. Well, not that many, but more then she needs!
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Old 07-20-2007, 08:58 PM
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you know what, he says that he wants me but i need to change but he's gonna be him,........... and i'm thinking about this nonsense like i might be able to make some sense out of it. what i need to do is just stop allowing him to be in contact with me for a while.

he's concerned about me getting childsupport and not wanting to have anything to do with him once it starts coming. i'm beginning to think that he tries to uses his money as a means to control.
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:04 PM
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Originally Posted by teke View Post
you know what, he says that he wants me but i need to change but he's gonna be him,........... and i'm thinking about this nonsense like i might be able to make some sense out of it. what i need to do is just stop allowing him to be in contact with me for a while.

he's concerned about me getting childsupport and not wanting to have anything to do with him once it starts coming. i'm beginning to think that he tries to uses his money as a means to control.

You see, they prey when they know that you're weak and confused and have alot going on and alot on your mind. They get you into that thought process that when they know that you're at a point where there's some desperation in your life, and then they start talking this way. I know with xabf it was like he would want until I was already at a point where I felt sick, was losing my mind over everything that was going on, and then he'd start talking to me about some nonsense. You almost start to feel like you're being brainwashed because they push and push and push until your thoughts are no longer your own, and you're making decisions that you'd normally have better judgment about and then you snap out of it, and you're like.... why in the h*ll would I agree to that!?!? There's no real reason that you need to talk to him at this moment, and I would put a boundary in place that you're only willing to talk about things that are specific to kids (or whatever)!
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:05 PM
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money=control 100% right on


loaning money....I never loan money...I choose carefully whom I give gifts to.
Burn me once, shame on you, twice....there won't be a twice.

Never, is she still your friend, do you want her friendship, if so I would say something to her about it. Otherwise I would write her off as someone who conned me.
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:07 PM
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Teke, did he give you the child support?
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:16 PM
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hey everyone. what a busy day, hope you all had a good day.

teke - i agree, you're right on with the money as a means of controlling. probably best to cut off contact if you can. let the state handle the child support, you don't deserve his crap.
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:16 PM
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Originally Posted by teke View Post
you know what, he says that he wants me but i need to change but he's gonna be him,........... and i'm thinking about this nonsense like i might be able to make some sense out of it. what i need to do is just stop allowing him to be in contact with me for a while.

he's concerned about me getting childsupport and not wanting to have anything to do with him once it starts coming. i'm beginning to think that he tries to uses his money as a means to control.

I agree Teke. You really need to cut off contact. And don't you dare change!! Lady........you are just fine the way you are do you hear me?? He has been able to manipulate you in the past.........you just remember that.
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:16 PM
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Originally Posted by nevergivingup View Post
You see, they prey when they know that you're weak and confused and have alot going on and alot on your mind. They get you into that thought process that when they know that you're at a point where there's some desperation in your life, and then they start talking this way. I know with xabf it was like he would want until I was already at a point where I felt sick, was losing my mind over everything that was going on, and then he'd start talking to me about some nonsense. You almost start to feel like you're being brainwashed because they push and push and push until your thoughts are no longer your own, and you're making decisions that you'd normally have better judgment about and then you snap out of it, and you're like.... why in the h*ll would I agree to that!?!? There's no real reason that you need to talk to him at this moment, and I would put a boundary in place that you're only willing to talk about things that are specific to kids (or whatever)!
thanks never, right now he's not wanting to talk about the kids, its about what is up with us, and i don't really think that he's that concerned about that. its like maybe he's trying to see where my mind is about this, kind of like dangling on a string or something. he's not sure of whats going on with me but its like he wants to make sure that i'm still available or something. could that be it?

is it not true that when someone loves you, then you would know by their actions. its not about how much money they are willing to give is it?
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:21 PM
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ok, there is a childsupport order and a lot of it is in arrears, the absent parent is not living in the home and i do have custody of minor kids. can this count as shared finances in seeking divorce? is there a motive behind him trying to help financially. i think he may know that if i'm talking to legal aide, then thats what its for. is there a way that he might be tring to cover himself in some way?
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:25 PM
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teke, you know you're right, action not words or money for that matter. love has nothing to do with how much money someone has or is willing to give. like loves said, hes manipulated you before and it sounds like hes trying it again.

so, back to me (cuz its really about me!LOL!), eventhough i rarely try to analyze anything rah says about his own recovery, he really got me tonight and now i'm wondering what my panel of addiction experts (aka you guys) think about this one. out of the blue, he says to me "i know it sounds weird but i'm actually kinda glad all that crap (meaning his losing everything and going to jail etc) happened cuz i finally got my a** straightened out and i love my life now" SOOO, i wanted to jump for freakin joy when i heard that, but am i jumping the gun to soon, does this sound like a recovery going right to you guys?? i hate to get my hopes up but this is the longest hes been clean in 17yrs since he started using, and all his actions point in the right direction. should i still be overly cautious or can i relax yet??
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:26 PM
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I think addicts try to find whom ever they can to be "on their side" so that they can squeeze every penny, every ounce of support, every bit of anything they can get out of anyone. I know with xabf, it was like... never cut ties with anyone.... because he might "need" them for something in the future. My thought would be that he "needs" something from you. But, only he knows what that is!
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:26 PM
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Originally Posted by teke View Post
ok, there is a childsupport order and a lot of it is in arrears, the absent parent is not living in the home and i do have custody of minor kids. can this count as shared finances in seeking divorce? is there a motive behind him trying to help financially. i think he may know that if i'm talking to legal aide, then thats what its for. is there a way that he might be tring to cover himself in some way?

If he's in arrears.....he needs to pay the support through the courts or thru the state...not sure what it is where you are. Here they pay through the court. You see......if he gives you anything on his own........it legally doesn't count or go in his favor what so ever. So if he gives you any money, by all means, take it, but know that it doesn't make him look any better in the eyes of the courts........not when it comes to child support.
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:27 PM
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Originally Posted by liveweyerd View Post
money=control 100% right on


loaning money....I never loan money...I choose carefully whom I give gifts to.
Burn me once, shame on you, twice....there won't be a twice.

Never, is she still your friend, do you want her friendship, if so I would say something to her about it. Otherwise I would write her off as someone who conned me.

She and I have been friends for a while, but I just feel like it's one of those things where I gave her the money with the best of intentions and she essentially spit in my face!

Last edited by nevergivingup; 07-20-2007 at 09:40 PM. Reason: I'm an ars!
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:28 PM
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Originally Posted by finallyout View Post
teke, you know you're right, action not words or money for that matter. love has nothing to do with how much money someone has or is willing to give. like loves said, hes manipulated you before and it sounds like hes trying it again.

so, back to me (cuz its really about me!LOL!), eventhough i rarely try to analyze anything rah says about his own recovery, he really got me tonight and now i'm wondering what my panel of addiction experts (aka you guys) think about this one. out of the blue, he says to me "i know it sounds weird but i'm actually kinda glad all that crap (meaning his losing everything and going to jail etc) happened cuz i finally got my a** straightened out and i love my life now" SOOO, i wanted to jump for freakin joy when i heard that, but am i jumping the gun to soon, does this sound like a recovery going right to you guys?? i hate to get my hopes up but this is the longest hes been clean in 17yrs since he started using, and all his actions point in the right direction. should i still be overly cautious or can i relax yet??
I think maybe your RAH had an "AH HA" moment honey. I think this may be a good thing. It would be hard for me to relax so soon no matter what, but I honestly think he's being genuine.
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:28 PM
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Originally Posted by teke View Post
thanks never, right now he's not wanting to talk about the kids, its about what is up with us, and i don't really think that he's that concerned about that. its like maybe he's trying to see where my mind is about this, kind of like dangling on a string or something. he's not sure of whats going on with me but its like he wants to make sure that i'm still available or something. could that be it?

is it not true that when someone loves you, then you would know by their actions. its not about how much money they are willing to give is it?

In situations like this though, you should say something like, "I'm really not interested in having this conversation with you."
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:34 PM
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thanks loves, i agree that hes finally getting "it". i'm so grateful for that. i just wish i could stop being a nervous wreck sometimes. a little later after that he went to the bathroom and was in there forever, so as soon as he came out, i immediately stared at his eyes and was listening for slurred speech. ARGGHH! he was fine of course, i think my taco dinner didn't agree with him, but i wish i could just stop my mind from bugging out.
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