Leftinthedust

Hello there. I’m new to this forum and have found many topics and threads holding valuable information. So thank you very, very much for sharing those stories and responses.

I have a wife of 17-years in a secular rehab facility. Her pill and alcohol abuse have a long history, I’ve learned proceeding even our marriage. Prior to agreeing to go to rehab she’d started, at the least, an emotional internet relationship with a male, supposedly via an AA (all online AA due to Covid) “sponsor”, because she wanted to connect with someone who had a “social drinker” as a husband. It morphed into much more than that based on the IG messages my 12-YO daughter found on her laptop, and the texts/VMs that went to the daughters phone since AW had her phone and my daughters phone tethered together somehow. AW and this male would share music playlists, muse about how great it would be to listening to their music together on a beach sipping drinks he mixed, he could get her set up with a job in Florida or Overseas, he claimed he had/has my electronics all surveilled, he’d set up appointments with a divorce attorney for her (not sure she ever went), claimed he was a “savior of women and children”… on and on.

Anyhow, in early July 2021 she was so bombed at the house in the middle of the day I asked her to leave. She disappeared for 2 nights, found out she went to his house, then just Ubered it back home two days later. I had my 30-YO step daughter here with our mutual 12-YO. Through the 30-YO I’ve learned my AW is going through the same pattern she as when the 30-YO was young. When she came back in the house, we gave the AW the option to hit the road again or go to rehab. She reluctantly took rehab.

flash forward 3.5 months. My AW only called me when she needed the balance of the high deductible insurance to stay in the program (which is good she stayed). She’s only called to talk directly to the 12-YO, which per my daughter’s family therapist needs to go through my phone, because of the creep factor of the other guy. My daughter yelled at her on my birthday (AW forgot it was my birthday and kid was ticked about it) for being a terrible, drunk mother, but the only other conversations were just fluff and always ended in “grab a pen and paper I need these things”. On the occasion she can’t get ahold of the 12-YO she calls the 30- YO, who just listens to her fluff talk then calls me to vent. There’s never been any substance in the conversations pertaining to her actual therapy, any apologies, acknowledgement or gratitude of the help we extended to her, and she avoids talking to me like the plague. The one time I got 10-seconds of airtime with her in the last 45-days, I told her I loved her for going to rehab, and was proud of her for staying. Her response was “It’s changed my life, I want to talk to my daughter”. No gratitude, noting akin to I’m working on myself, let’s work on us in 2-3 months…just super cold.

Has anyone else experienced this type of reaction/rejection while their SO is in a facility? The facility has a “Family Night” once a week, but I’m always the only one attending that actually has a family member in their facility. It’s more of a general group therapy session with basic boundary and coping skills. I’m for sure the only one with a spouse as the subject. The facility staff told me several weeks ago “ Your wife’s rehab is none of your business or any of your family’s business”. I get it. But it still really stings since I had delusions of her sobering up and us working through this. She was alcohol free ( not antidepressant or sleeping aid free), for the first 6-years of our daughter’s life and it was great…at least for me. Maybe she hated it, I don’t know.

The lack of two way communication facilitated by the treatment facility is just mind numbing. Throw in her internet savior/BF/para-legal counselor aspect of it and it just consumes me. Since I’m in sales, it makes it tough to put a smile on my face and work effectively as I usually can. I’ve also been concentrating on my daughter, her mental and physical health, activities, dad/daughter dates, therapy for her (same therapist her mom had for 18-months so the therapist has the background on the AW. Therapist said that she felt she could never get below the surface if my AW, and if she did, I know it was a trigger for her to drink heavily). So trying to do the right things, but super discombobulated right now. She admitted early on in rehab that she was still in contact with her internet guy. Prob should just keep marching on with divorce paperwork and am answering my own questions. The silence is just crazy to me. Shame, not wanting to talk to anyone who will call her out? She doesn’t talk to her parents either, or willfully call her 30YO biological daughter unless she wants physical items. We’ve stopped bringing her anything. It’s just very mentally deflating. Not looking forward to the holiday season.

sage1969

I am so sorry you are going through this. I will defer to others here about your questions about what to expect during and after rehab (my qualifiers never went, I divorced one, one passed, and I left one). It's sad to say but yes, continuing the divorce process might be the best thing for you, your finances, and possibly even her.

I would say it's really good you've reached out for support. It really affected me emotionally, and I don't have to talk to anyone while I'm working, so I can't imagine attempting to be effective at sales with all this going on. If you can find either an in - person or online AlAnon meeting, that could really be helpful. I have found this forum to be of great support also, even the painfully honest comments pointing out my codependent behaviors.

Your step - daughter might also benefit from AlAnon and / or ACOA (adult children of alcoholics). While you have been listening to her vent, I would suggest that you encourage her to try one of these groups. I've found because alcoholism, addiction, and codependency are so enmeshed in my family of origin (FOO), that venting turns into a messy, enabling, codependent drama between family members (and of course, beyond a just - the - facts conversation to keep her updated, it might not be a good idea for your to vent to her about this whole thing).

Your younger daughter might benefit from AlAteen, and though I hate to mention this, if there's any question in your mind about if your wife was drinking during pregnancy, you might want to get your younger daughter screened for fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) especially if she has had any learning disabilities or behavioral challenges. She is older, so it's not quite so critical but it could help put the puzzle together if there have been any developmental challenges.

I'm glad you've been reading everyone's stories here. Keep reading, check out the stickies and the resources. It all helps when attempting to understand this completely incomprehensible addiction.

trailmix

Hi left. I haven't actually had an SO in rehab, however from reading many posts here at SR, no, your story is certainly not unheard of. Rehab romances, people getting attached to someone in their group. These people are looking to fill a void, whatever route that might take depends on the person I guess.

I don't know if this is really a delusion, but of course hope. As it is right now, I would squelch that, she is non-communitive and really just using you and your Daughters to support her life choices. She is with this other man. If she was honest and told you where she is at - that's one thing - that also hasn't happened.

Yes, recovery is a selfish process just by its very nature, however that doesn't mean a person needs to be rude and uncaring all the time, which, from what you have said, she is. How long has she been in rehab?

When was the last time that you did and did she participate? It's only October! I understand this is stress and grief talking, but perhaps one day at a time is a better approach right now?

dandylion

Leftinthedust.......I suspect that your wife considers you the |enemy|....for having, in effect, |forced| her into rehab----and coming betweenher and her abilityto drink as she wishes.

Honestly, I think that your expectations of her are somewhat unrealistic. I say this because the situation that you describe seems to indicate someone who is pretty far along in their disease and with issues that seem to go quite deep----along with a marriage that has suffered a lot of damage.
One can\t expect 14wks. of rehab to undo that damage. That would take a long, long time. In fact, one year would be just a baby step 'start'.
I predict that it is going to take some time to see how the future unfolds. Some marriages make it, and some don't.
I think that it would be a good idea to talk with a Professional Alcoholism Counselor....one that is Certified in alcoholism...to help you to adjust your expecttion more in line with the situation.

woodlandlost

Left,

Wow, you are in the middle of the storm, I can feel it in your writing. I fully can appreciate your situation and if you are feeling deflated and just run over that is entirely appropriate given the circumstances. I don't know how well-versed you are with the disease or where you are at in terms of looking after yourself. In terms of the lack of information from the facility, that seems to be the standard approach, ignore the family...I am sure there are better ones but that was my experience too.

My ex did all the same things, cheated, disappeared, cold, etc...absolutely cray and it hurt me and still hurts to this day. All I can say is, that if I was in it again I would do things differently. I would have seen the futility of trying to make something work with another person who was so far gone and hunkered down, took care of my personal responsibilities, and moved forth in my life even if only for baby steps. Dude, I have been there. Nothing I did or said had any effect on her when in the madness. Her coldness suggests to me that you may want to consider backing away. You are hurting, please don't go back for more, when it is clear she is disrespecting what you have together. Or consider taking a step back, hunker down and find a counsellor and develop a plan to look after yourself, family and financial interests. If you want to private message me please do so. I am here to offer you any support you need as I have been thru this ringer and can maybe tell you what NOT to do)). Cause I made a lot of choices that hurt me.

Cookie314

While my AH was in detox/rehab, we spoke very little to not at all. It depends on what type of program they're in, some allow phones and such at certain times, some not at all.

I find it a little disconcerting that the rehab has a "family night" but you're the only actual family member there? So who are the other people who show up? The fact that they told you her rehab is no one else's business seems a bit of a red flag too. I guess it depends on the context and way the message was delivered though. While it's true your wife must lead her own recovery, I don't think it's fair to just dismiss family's concerns either. It's natural to want to know about your loved ones, and there's less callous ways to tell people to give their loved ones space and autonomy. It strikes me that she may be feeding them an awful large helping of bs to turn their opinions against you and create that hostility. If possible I would do your best to keep and create records of all of your conversations.

Tbh, it sounds like she's white-knuckling her way through this, and holding onto her resentments of you. My experiences with my AH were a little different while in treatment because of reduced contact, but he definitely resented me for my attempts to help him. It's like he would flip a switch, and go from crying apologies to hateful screaming. When an addict is in the throes of their addiction, any attempts to help them is seen as an intrusion. You become the enemy, and it's very common for addicted partners to become distant, malicious, or even outright abusive to protect their addiction.

I think Trailmix calling recovery a selfish process is a good way to put it, but want to point out it's a different kind of selfishness from active addiction. Someone in recovery makes "selfish" choices that they need to protect their recovery, such as turning down invitations from friends to events that trigger them, missing things at home so they can attend meetings, focusing mental and emotional energy on introspection, etc. An addict makes "selfish" choices to fit their needs, no matter how much it hurts others, like your wife only calling family when she needs them to fetch something. Your wife isn't making difficult choices that increase her chances of success, she's taking advantage of loved ones to get things she wants.

I know it sounds biased to support your divorce proceedings since I'm going through them right now as well, but I do think it sounds like the correct choice for you and your children. Even just the holiday example shows it well: the idea of upcoming holidays around her fills you with dread. That tells you what you need to know at its most basic form. Why stay with someone when the thought of your future together creates such anxiety?

I know it's really hard. That feeling of your partner choosing alcohol over you time and time again is so crushing. The way they flip situations around to always be your fault is maddening. I can only imagine how much adding adultery to the mix makes those wounds deeper. I'm glad to hear your family has some exposure to therapy, I hope that keeps expanding. Support groups and forums like this are so helpful. Listening to other experiences and explaining your own often brings so much clarity.

Good luck with your divorce paperwork and your kids. I'm glad to see you posting here, even if the situation bringing you here sucks. You'll get through this one day at a time.

AlwaysGrowing

Leftinthedust

Been there, done that, and have multiple T-shirts. I ALWAYS wanted to have a restored marriage. Like Woodandlost I'd been in a better position legally and emotionally to have divorced her while she was in rehab. The anger toward me never let up and the other guy(s) were the next 'high'.

Praying for you

AG

trailmix

I found some threads that you might find interesting, they mention rehab:

This one in particular I would recommend for you: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...some-help.html (My Story, could use some help)

Also, if you ever want to see what another person has posted, or threads they have started, to follow their story:

To see all posts, just click on their name in a thread and from the drop down you can choose "view all posts:

To see all threads started by them, click on their name in a thread and from the drop down choose "view personal profile", once on the profile, click on the Statistics tab and the threads link is there.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ied-about.html (Just found out my ex left me for someone she met in rehab and I feel she lied about it)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-me-rehab.html (Boyfriend encouraged to break up with me in rehab)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-confused.html (I’m struggling and confused.)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-confused.html (So Confused)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ing-crazy.html (Fiance found romance in rehab and I'm going crazy!)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...043-rehab.html (Rehab)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oo-easily.html (Not sure if I am giving up too easily)

Leftinthedust

I’m simply blown away by the similarities in all the stories on this forum. Thank you to all who share here. I’ve gotten more from here in 24 hours of reading than I’ve found in 2 months of driving around and “Zooming” Al-Anon.

I’ve listened to 50-plus podcasts that my wife’s rehab facility puts on YouTube. I’ve been struck by the similarities of the stories of woe and destruction from early ages for most of those folks. They are unlike my wife who I say fell from a feather bed onto a bunch of down pillows her whole life. Most of these folks went from abuse in childhood right to gateway drugs/booze directly to hard drugs and to the street. The first time I asked my wife to leave the house because she was so intoxicated, she walked around the side of the house and crawled into the fifth wheel, sleeping it off on a queen size gel top mattress with the AC running. She told her internet “pseudo AA sponsor” I made her sleep on the public trail. She just omitted the “er” after trail. Sorry to digress there. Another common thread I heard was that only other alcoholics and addicted in the rehab community could keep them accountable and us “Normies” won’t understand the struggles. So I get the selfish part of the rehab. Nothing will Trump that, even children. Many of them recalled giving up “a kid or two” along the way and it just seemed like part of the collateral damage to them. Only one lady I listened to said anything about ex’s who were not addicts, pimps, or abusers. She said “I ruined a lot of good men along the way”. That struck me hard. Besides being lumped in by my AW with her prior abusive husband as a piece of crap (in her communication with her internet BF) I figured I’m just going to be that piece of grass to mowed down by her. The only thing I think I really have right now that she wants is my daughter. And after three and a half months of her not even requesting to see my daughter less than 20-minutes away from home, I also question that.

thank you to all who have taken the time to read these ramblings…I mutter you myself a lot while walking and driving these days. Ramblings I guess, of a semi-crazy man!

trailmix

I agree, has to be a selfish pursuit, it's that serious (as you already know). She can obviously barely care for herself at this point so no, she has no time (or will) to care for others.

She is well in to addiction and I agree with Dandylion, at this point she probably does consider you to be the enemy - that's unfortunately how addiction can work - try to stand in its way and get mowed over.

There is "sober" which merely means not drinking or using other drugs and there is "recovery" which she is obviously no where near. It means accepting that they have no control over alcohol, that there is work to be done to repair all the damage to themselves (mentally at least) and to others (hopefully make amends somehow). This is far down the road.

Where will she go when she finishes rehab? Are there any sober living facilities perhaps?

These aren't really your concerns anyway, her recovery (or not) is hers, except the where will she go afterward part since you have to live with that. Other than that, your time will be so much better spent focusing on you and your Daughters. Alcoholism affects all of you and has probably been the center of your worlds for quite some time. It doesn't need to be. That can be a hard mindset to get out of, but it can be done and I think you will find when the focus of your family is you and your children, life will be much happier for you.

Leftinthedust

Yeah, wow, good questions… where will she go out of rehab? I don’t know as she won’t talk to me, her parents or my 30-YO stepdaughter. She told my stepdaughter at the beginning of September that she was working to get a 45- minute “family” ( not sure that included me), Zoom call initiated from her facility. That never transpired. Since then we’ve ( myself and her oldest daughter, my stepdaughter) elected to go on silent mode just as she has. Guess the next thing she hears is “You’ve been served”. I’ve been wanting to hold off on that, but the more I hear others stories of similar situations, the more I feel I’d be the “one legged man in an ass-kicking contest”. I’ll never win, or not win, but just some answers to the emotional and potentially physical infidelity. Don’t know if I’ll ever figure out what I did that was so bad that she’d seek solace in someone else…

sage1969

The thing is, it isn't you. It was her choice to cheat on you and your marriage, just as it's been her choice to drink, and to say and do all the things she's said and done. Her choices, all of them.

I'm not saying you're perfect, no one is. I'm saying she is making choices, and it really has nothing to do with you. Remember the three C's: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it.

trailmix

Well at least she does have some options after rehab that don't involve coming back to your house.

You offered rehab (or leave) - he offered "muse about how great it would be to listening to their music together on a beach sipping drinks he mixed".

Worst. Sponsor. Ever.

But seriously, It really isn't you. I know that sounds so counter-intuitive in a relationship. Normal relationship, there may be conflict, that's talked out over time, adjustments might be made, both parties try to come to some middle ground perhaps, caring, empathy, respect. Or they can't resolve it and the relationship ends. That's not this. Your wife has been in a relationship (and really still is) with alcohol. It is her number one priority, before you, before her children, before work or play or probably even herself. Her world view is not the same as a person that isn't addicted to a substance.

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

"As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them.

Addiction protects and augments itself by means of a bodyguard of lies, distortions and evasions that taken together amount to a full scale assault upon consensual reality. Because addiction involves irrational and unhealthy thinking and behavior, its presence results in cognitive dissonance both within the addict himself and in the intersubjective realm of ongoing personal relationships."

Leftinthedust

I have been working my way through a short book called Smoke and Mirrors which helps lay out some of the chemically dependent mind in a way the layperson, as I can understand and absorb it also.

Leftinthedust

i took her to rehab right around July 4. There has never been any offer from her to meet with me, even via phone, to dialog about the situation or her absolute burn down of the relationship or family structure of our lives since she’s been in there. She hasn’t requested to see either of her daughters during this time despite it being only 15-20 minutes away. She’s told my daughter she gets 3, 15- minute personal calls a week. It’s been almost a month since she’s called anyone we know of.

so yes, I’m “working on myself” as in physical fitness. Trying to put a smile on my face every day and have increased my daughters activities and my involvement in those. However, I wake up with this on my mind, and most of the day it sits right in front of my or I can see the hurt and turmoil in my perephrual vision. I understand that usually the people closest to the alky get pushed off the personal space island first, only to be replaced by another who doesn’t really know them or the depth of their struggles. I’ve surmised that she may be in her perfect space as the revolving door of lost souls at her facility is never ending, she can commiserate and show false empathy or temporary empathy to these folks, then POOF, they are gone and she’s got a fresh crop to establish a surface relationship with. All the time keeping the paywall of her therapist (in-house) and the facility between her and her real family firmly in place. Probably using the time to follow her BFs legal guidance to build some sort of smear campaign against me. Luckily I’ve got long time family members and friends helping establish a timeline of her behaviors over the years. I wish it were different, but my idea of working through this together has been blown to bits by what’s happening now and the facts of what’s transpired before me with countless other folks.

thequest

Once the alcoholic gets called out on their behavior in your case giving them the choice of rehab or the road they become bitter and resentful toward those that won't tolerate or enable their behavior.

Also I hate to say it there are/were other issues before the alcohol became one including regret.

Keep in mind the alcoholic or drug abuser will not change or sober up until they really want to and not just to appease someone else. This trip to rehab could wind up being nothing more than a timeout/break.

Hope things wind up working out positively but in the end the 12 year old is the number one priority now.

Good Luck

woodlandlost

Hey Left,

I remember when my ex was in the heat of her affair. She was deep into the progression of the disease. She hated me, despised me, resented me. She had her boyfriend and friends convinced that I was an abuser, keeping her from her kids, our money, etc. It was humiliating and whatever trust I had in people was eroded. I was full of anger and hurt and was lost beyond recognition. Yet I kept hoping and trying. I am not sure what that says about me as a person, but I was scared, and was holding on so that my whole life would not dissolve around me. I needed her, what our marriage stood for, that structure. It felt like a life raft and if I jumped out who knows if I could survive the shark infested, freezing waters? I know now that her treatment of me was unacceptable and that damage is done that can never be repaired to a level where I can give myself back to her. We have a daughter and a past now. I wont lie, I still have feelings for her, but they are confused and a I know fear and a belief that I am not a great catch keep me with one toe in. I am not saying that is right, it just is. One of the just for today quotes was: Just for today I wont be afraid. That is a hard one for me, but I will try. I already made good on that twice today. I might still have one hand on that life raft, but I m starting to see the water isn't all that bad.

choublak

Wow.

AlwaysGrowing

LITD

Take care of yourself and the kids. Dealing rationally with alcoholism (irrational) is useless and will just kill your emotional availability for the kids. I was accused of many things which never happened but the alcoholic will put the spotlight on you as the enemy in a heartbeat. It covers its tracks by distraction. Many will believe those lies but over time the truth seems to shine. So know you aren't the 1st. Believe me. I waited, waited, just one more rehab. In the end, I became just as sick in other ways. Started to believe all this stuff. Find people with a healthy marriage and ask for help. Help by going to lunch, help by talking to both of them. Being centered by the truth will help you navigate the insanity which is to come. In my case, I cried and wept of this loss with other Godly men. Ones who prayed over me.

Praying for you.

AG

trailmix

As and aside - speaking of souls, Gabor Mate (world renowned addiction expert) wrote a book called "In the realm of Hungry Ghosts" referring to one of the six realms in Buddhism.

Anyway, this is going to hurt you for a while. I'm glad you are able to function pretty normally, but I do hope you won't try to push away the feelings you probably have, I'm not trying to second guess what you are feeling, of course.

I know you need to keep it together for your little one and I admire your will to soldier on and keep your child involved in activities etc. When we talk about "self care" it's really about taking care of yourself emotionally and physically. Sometimes, because of responsibility or resistance to showing "weakness" or just resistance to dealing with that hurt, we can try to sidestep it - it's perhaps not the best approach.

In no way am I purporting to be an expert on "feeling the feels" lol - I'm just not, but as one that can have a tendency to just push them aside sometimes, well you know what I mean. That's why support for yourself is so important. Taking lots of time out for yourself to do something you enjoy whether that is a movie or inviting friends over for a BBQ (even if the thought of doing something that might be "fun" doesn't appeal much right now).

An acronym that can also be helpful is H.A.L.T. When you feel you are getting really low, distracted, anxious, stop and ask yourself if you are: Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. If any of those things apply, deal with it right away or as soon as you can.