cagreg9

Hello, thanks for all the insightful information. I need advice. My Alcoholic BF and I have been dating about two years. We are both in our late fifties. I did not become aware that he had a problem until Covid hit. He moved in and I noticed he drank more than he should. He was always kind and respectful towards me. When I first approached him about his drinking, he denied it. Not uncommon I know. He didn’t drink much when here. Never drunk. Then he left to do some work at his home in the fall. That’s when I realized how bad his drinking was. Once he got to his house, he was on a bender. I didn’t hear from him and when I did he was pretty damn drunk. I refused to see him or speak to him. I’m a nurse and did discuss with him all the damages alcohol does to his health etc. He listened but didn’t want to go to rehab. He finally agreed to in November. He was there a month. I talked to him daily and he was doing well. He stopped going to the outpatient program making all kinds of excuses. As far as I knew he wasn’t drinking. He has three kids and a grandchild. His daughter I learned had been stealing from him. Expecting him to constantly support her and her son. She is deceiving and just awful. She never called him once while in rehab. He spent Christmas Eve here with me and my children. He didn’t seem to want to leave to see his kids. My kids adore him and I love him very much. But it was Christmas. His daughter lives in section eight housing which bothers him immensely. That’s where he spent Christmas. She bought him alcohol and I’m well aware he drank it, he had a choice. But I was angry. I didn’t dislike her but I hated the way she treated him and hurt him. She used her son as a weapon. He adores that boy. After Christmas he just went downhill. I don’t know how much he drank
but it was enough that I didn’t see him and broke it off in February. I’m not an enabler nor do I consider myself codependent. Maybe I am a little because a few weeks later I called him and asked him if he wanted to go to rehab. He did! I found a place out of state and booked him a flight. His boys were happy his daughter didn’t understand why he was going. I was put on the contact list with his son. He’s a nice kid. He was doing well, his therapists called me often. I was told I meant everything to him. I felt the same. We had been talking about long term plans. He is now in his third month of recovery doing an IOP at the same facility. I’m so proud of him. A few weeks ago he became distant. Apparently he had been calling his daughter daily and she never answered. She did finally answer the phone and told her about all her problems. I was upset. I had every right to be. Restraining orders, welfare and boyfriends getting arrested is a whole new world to me. But I love him so I kept my distance from her because I was angry and hurt for him. The nightly calls became less frequent. I gave him space for a few days. Then I called and sent him a text about something I needed to talk to him about. This IOP is almost like a hotel. Prior to this program he always told me about his roommate etc.Then I asked about his new one. He just told me he was gay and his last roommate was as well. News to me. I went from being the love of his life and honestly his only support to being avoided. I left a message with his therapist. All of the sudden he was going to a casino which was not healthy and eating out by himself. Or so he said. I started adding things up in my head and it made no sense whatsoever. He finally called me and told me he wanted a break. A month or two. I called a friend who is a licensed substance abuse counselor she thought it was he had a relapse or having a rehab romance. I asked him about this and he denied it but was having his room changed as we spoke and his roommate suddenly had a name. I had agreed to a break but after going through our texts and discussions I told him I didn’t agree with the break. I felt I was being lied to. He was mean on the phone. I felt as though he wanted he rehab romance and use me for a backup. As far as I know he’s still in rehab and I nor he have called or texted in a week. I don’t even remember our last conversation.I am so heartbroken. So what do I do just not contact him and try to move on? How did we get from there to here. He was over 45 days sober when his therapist called me to tell me how much he loves me and how lucky we are. I spoke a few times to his second therapist, she sounded great. I also left her a message with my concerns later that night was when his room was changed. I never heard back from her. So I concluded I’m removed from the contact list. All I remember from our last conversation was that they wanted him to stay even longer. I don’t know what to do. I can’t even get out of my own way. Thanks

case762

Your story is so common and you're not alone in all the questions and confusions you have. I experienced something similar, where my fiance was in rehab, started hanging out a lot with a "gay guy," and turns out they were sneaking out back and stealing kisses.....if not more. I'm told it's over and that she wants to be with me and that she's the luckiest girl in the world that I've supported her, blah blah blah. I'm not being flippant, it's just what they say. Maybe they mean it, a lot of times they don't. Only you can determine that. I have supported her and believe people can get better. But lying, cheating, and manipulating is the way an addict operates. I'm not even saying it's always malicious, it's just the way their brain works. I'm not saying they can't get better, but they WILL do a lot of damage to the people that love them.

It's up to you what you want to do. Most people on here will tell you to walk away. And that's not a bad choice. But I understand the feeling of love you have for him. It's the same feelings I have for my AGF. She's in recovery and as long as I believe she's actively in recovery and not living in addiction, I'll continue to believe she's becoming a better person. But a person has to decide what their limits are. I have come to understand I am codependent and I need to deal with that. Spend some time in self-reflection and ask yourself if this relationship is worth pursuing or if you're just a doormat.

Macyc

Well, I’m new here and a mess myself but a situation that isn’t my own, that I’m not sucked in to, maybe I can see that clearer. I only mention that as to not be a hypocrite, I should take my own advice.

You can’t make him tell you the truth. And, that truth isn’t required to move forward. What you have is, him pulling away, wanting a break and other things that don’t add up or match. Even if he has a rehab romance, it doesn’t match the “you mean everything” to him. If he doesn’t, it doesn’t match either. So the result is the same.

get busy. In your own life. If you push, he will pull away even more. That’s just how that goes. And. Makes you more anxious to understand.

I think the real question is, is this good enough for you? And I doubt it is.

I also imagine the faster you get busy, the quicker you’ll hear from him and hopefully, by then, you’ll have some grounding and not care to hear from him.

codependant or not, this is working a number on you. And you’re sucked into something unhealthy that’s causing you to react the same.

just my .02.

plus, what a risk to take. He’s a high risk person. Who should be trying to get you to want to. Not the other way around.

run. Shut the door. Air tight.

trailmix

Actually most people on here will ask you what you think is best for yourself.

My opinion might be that you should leave him be, but hey, that's just my opinion based on what you have said. Many here have spouses/partners that are alcoholics, my Father was an alcoholic.

So, he is up to something, he is being vague. The thing is, you have only ever known him as a practicing alcoholic (even though you didn't know that initially) you don't actually know the "sober" him. Even when an active alcoholic doesn't drink for a few days, they may be technically sober, but alcohol over time, changes the brain. The pleasure center for instance, what might seem fun to you might only seem fun to him if he's drinking as well.

So who is this new guy and why was he drinking in the first place. I think (and this is just my opinion from reading these boards) that the rehab romance is a thing because the addict is looking to replace what they have lost. The high. Further, they are now talking to someone who knows exactly what they mean, what a hold alcohol has/had on them, what that's like and how it is so difficult to break up with that one true love (alcohol).

Anyway, don't want to make this a novel.

He may have been wonderful, right now he's not wonderful. He wants a break, you don't, but you have no control over him of course. If you don't want to give him that time (and who would?) maybe he's just not the guy for you.

I'm sure what you would like is to have the nice guy back! Really all you can do is give him his space, personally I wouldn't wait around for him, but that's me.

You sound like a nice person, don't you deserve to be treated better than that?

cagreg9

I've been trying to log in for weeks! To respond and thank people. Just figured out I can only log in my tablet. So I have an update and looking as always for some insight. I cut off communication with A boyfriend while he was in rehab in May.. I took your advice and walked away. It was difficult and heart breaking I told him to never contact me again. I have been healing and trying to move on. I was almost there.Apparently ye was discharged from rehab early June. I received a call two weeks ago from his kids. His oldest called me to tell me he was in the ICU with Pneumonia. They asked me to come (I'm a Registered Nurse.) So I did. He was in detox and developed a staph infection . I have been visiting about three times a week. Tried to explain medical issues to his kids, took them out for dinner etc. He got progressively worse, liver, intubated, abscesses all over. Tube feed, dialysis, not responding to commands. These kids have nobody. Apparently he was drinking for a few weeks and didn't leave his house. They waited a long time before bringing him to the hospital. Long story condensed, he was in grave condition on Wednesday night, just kept getting worse. I called the nurse yesterday and he turned a corner. He is now alert and was due to be extubated today. In this period of time I've learned none of his kids could grasp the concept that he could not drink at all. I was shocked as I only thought it was his daughter. These kids are in late twenties, early thirties. So he had absolutely no support. Not sure what happened to his rehab romance. .His son thought his liver was getting dialysis . He is the health care proxy! I understand I'm in the medical field but these things can be looked up easily . Honestly thats just a side note. I honestly was just trying to be kind and give them support. Family meeting last night they were told he had cirrhosis and will need dialysis. I'm not one hundred percent sure if dialysis has to continue. I'll find that out : Last week I was told he had discs removed in his back which also wasn't true. I've been I would say detached. I haven't cried. Comfortably numb. Now I'm going to visit him and I don't know what to say . Maybe I shouldn't go but I want to know medically . I'm not sure what to say. I'd like to be a little I told you so, but I won't. I want to know the real prognosis. This is just so strange for me. I'm glad he made it through but I just think its enough for him to stop. Maybe I'm wrong. Any advice .

trailmix

hi again cagreg, glad you managed to get logged back in!

It may be enough for him to stop, it may not be, no way to tell. Even if you go up to visit him and he says, I was almost dead and will never drink again! That doesn't mean he won't, he will probably be a bit shocked, but he will make whatever decision he makes, more will be revealed there.

I'm not surprised his children don't know about alcoholism, no one really does until they actively research and he is their Father, not the other way around. I had an alcoholic Father and knew next to nothing about alcoholism, he drank, it was none of my business, so no need for me to know really. It's not up to them to support him really. While it would be mean to encourage him to drink, it's not up to them to keep him sober.

He is a grown man and drinking is not illegal.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

There is a book often recommended here, Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. It has a lot in it about boundaries (for your wellbeing), you might find it resonates.

As for visiting him, is there really a point to that now? I think it was kind of you to be there for him and his children during this crisis, but as the crisis has pretty much passed, you might want to consider pulling back, for your own sake.

velma929

[sigh]

You'd think, with addiction in the nightly news, people would have a better idea of what it was. I guess if it's a family member, and it's a legal drug like alcohol, the dots don't get connected. Not leaving the house for weeks would be a clue to most people. Late fifties, and...he's retired, or just can't hold a job?

He has developed cirrhosis, so he's pretty far along. If you want to re-engage, you're free to do so. I anticipate only heartbreak if you do.

Eauchiche

Dear cagreg
Thanks for posting.
It is nice you are trying to be a support to his confused family members. This is very noble of you. One important thing to remember is that Alcoholism is a family disease. All the members of that family need recovery also.

I am impressed with your ability to detach from your ex the way you have so far. You wrote that you are not co-dependent. Only you can decide if you are or not, but if we hang too closely with active addicts, we will eventually become co-dependent. It is unavoidable.

At this stage in my recovery, priorities are everything. My own sobriety and mental health ranks up very high on the priority list. I am willing to walk away from situations that seem good and have benefits if they are a threat to my sobriety and peace of mind.

sage1969

Cagreg: this ⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆

Logically you do have to step back: as a nurse you know that physically, he's got a lot of health issues and they will only get worse. You've been through quite the drama as he went through rehab, and just because he's out of rehab doesn't mean he's actively working a program. Even if he is serious about recovery, he's going to be in a difficult process emotionally, and may not be able to be a partner to you, not for many months, if ever. His children are adults and not your responsibility.

If you're staying on your side of the street, actually none of this is your responsibility -- you have your own life to be involved in right now.

I agree with and echo what Eauchiche said: if there's any chance that a choice I'm making will impact my personal sobriety or recovery, I take a step back and really think hard. I know what are my triggers, and I'm not willing to go back to what and where I was before. If I get a gut feeling that my peace will be impacted by a person or a situation or a commitment, I say "no, thank you."

PeacefulWater12

I also echo this. This is where I am at too. I do not want to be repeating my old patterns yet again. I want to get well and live a happy and productive life instead of bending myself out of shape pandering to others. Leave my co-dependency in my rear view mirror.

I was care giver to my late alcoholic husband until his recent death. It is not a path I would recommend to others.