I’m struggling and confused.
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Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 3
I’m struggling and confused.
I was seeing someone for a short amount of time who was very up front with me from the beginning. He told me he would be leaving for rehab and about his addiction and recovery journey. I am sober and have never been an addict but have the experience. I 100% support recovery. Everything was going great and we were writing each other. He should be returning home at the end of this month but I received my first phone call from him the other morning and it was not what I hoped for. He very simply and in monotone told me that he thinks it’s best we cut off contact when he gets home. I, of course was upset, but I know his counselor listens in on his phone calls and I did not want him to be upset. I kept my reaction as calm as I could and told him I support whatever he decides. He did answer me with “I don’t know” when I asked if this was a set in stone decision and I could hear some sniffling in the answer. I asked if he was struggling to kind of weigh out my own explanation without upsetting him and asking him why. Does anyone have an explanation to this? Maybe recommended by the counselor to cut me off, his own choice, a rehab romance?
Anything will help. Thanks in advance.
-Kar
Anything will help. Thanks in advance.
-Kar
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Welcome to the family. 
I'd let him go. He's an addict and doesn't seem to know what he wants. Let him go to work on his sobriety and for you to work on making your own life the best it can be. I seriously would not recommend getting or staying involved with an addict. If he stays clean and wants to be with you, he'll contact you. But until he's clean and sober and has made up his mind, I'd leave him be.
I'd let him go. He's an addict and doesn't seem to know what he wants. Let him go to work on his sobriety and for you to work on making your own life the best it can be. I seriously would not recommend getting or staying involved with an addict. If he stays clean and wants to be with you, he'll contact you. But until he's clean and sober and has made up his mind, I'd leave him be.
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Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by least 
Welcome to the family.
I'd let him go. He's an addict and doesn't seem to know what he wants. Let him go to work on his sobriety and for you to work on making your own life the best it can be. I seriously would not recommend getting or staying involved with an addict. If he stays clean and wants to be with you, he'll contact you. But until he's clean and sober and has made up his mind, I'd leave him be.
I'd let him go. He's an addict and doesn't seem to know what he wants. Let him go to work on his sobriety and for you to work on making your own life the best it can be. I seriously would not recommend getting or staying involved with an addict. If he stays clean and wants to be with you, he'll contact you. But until he's clean and sober and has made up his mind, I'd leave him be.
oh yes I’ve continuously worked on myself and am in a great spot. Just confused on why the sudden call. I’m not dwelling on him, just confused. It made me quite insecure because I’m a pretty confident person in a wonderful spot in life so made me feel crappy. Selfishly I’m wondering “why the hell did you waste one of your phone calls for that?”
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
Hi and welcome Kar 
If you scroll down to our Friends and Family forums you'll find this is quite a common scenario.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family
Rehab must be a huge change (and challenge) for anyone in there.
Whether this phone call is a reaction to being in rehab, an idea driven by counsellors, or whether there's any ambivalence in your friend, I'm not really sure anyone here can really say?
If you're in a great place right now, thats great - stay there. Don't make it dependent on what might happen or not happen with this guy or what he might say or do
If you scroll down to our Friends and Family forums you'll find this is quite a common scenario.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family
Rehab must be a huge change (and challenge) for anyone in there.
Whether this phone call is a reaction to being in rehab, an idea driven by counsellors, or whether there's any ambivalence in your friend, I'm not really sure anyone here can really say?
If you're in a great place right now, thats great - stay there. Don't make it dependent on what might happen or not happen with this guy or what he might say or do
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Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: London
Posts: 333
It's crucial for a person who is coming out of rehab to not go into the same environment that triggered the drinking, in this case unfortunately, rightly or wrongly, the rehab staff and your partner have identified their relationship with you as a big trigger.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
One thing about being "dumped" is that we often need closure that will not be forthcoming. In fact, closure doesn't usually help much anyway. We may not believe it. We may not want to believe it, and the person breaking it off might be having a hard enough time just breaking it off, without getting into why you are not meeting his needs, which he/she may even feel guilty about having to begin with.
Romance is great, but it ends, and often it ends in a confusing mess. The worst thing you can do is plead for a continuance, closure, or explanations. You handled this well. Now just walk away without any fantasies about reestablishing the relationship. Embrace the finality of the relationship and move on. Whether you leave the door open is up to you. But stop and think. This guy is an addict. Addicts are horrible prospects for romance, unless you yourself are an addict, chaos junkie, drama queen, masochist, or you just want to wreck your own life. You can do better. Yes, you can.
Romance is great, but it ends, and often it ends in a confusing mess. The worst thing you can do is plead for a continuance, closure, or explanations. You handled this well. Now just walk away without any fantasies about reestablishing the relationship. Embrace the finality of the relationship and move on. Whether you leave the door open is up to you. But stop and think. This guy is an addict. Addicts are horrible prospects for romance, unless you yourself are an addict, chaos junkie, drama queen, masochist, or you just want to wreck your own life. You can do better. Yes, you can.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I'm glad you're working on yourself. Only your boyfriend can tell you the reason that he ended the relationship. But, as long as you are focused on your life and well-being, you'll be fine.
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Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by DriGuy
One thing about being "dumped" is that we often need closure that will not be forthcoming. In fact, closure doesn't usually help much anyway. We may not believe it. We may not want to believe it, and the person breaking it off might be having a hard enough time just breaking it off, without getting into why you are not meeting his needs, which he/she may even feel guilty about having to begin with.
Romance is great, but it ends, and often it ends in a confusing mess. The worst thing you can do is plead for a continuance, closure, or explanations. You handled this well. Now just walk away without any fantasies about reestablishing the relationship. Embrace the finality of the relationship and move on. Whether you leave the door open is up to you. But stop and think. This guy is an addict. Addicts are horrible prospects for romance, unless you yourself are an addict, chaos junkie, drama queen, masochist, or you just want to wreck your own life. You can do better. Yes, you can.
Romance is great, but it ends, and often it ends in a confusing mess. The worst thing you can do is plead for a continuance, closure, or explanations. You handled this well. Now just walk away without any fantasies about reestablishing the relationship. Embrace the finality of the relationship and move on. Whether you leave the door open is up to you. But stop and think. This guy is an addict. Addicts are horrible prospects for romance, unless you yourself are an addict, chaos junkie, drama queen, masochist, or you just want to wreck your own life. You can do better. Yes, you can.
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