Hey Left,
I remember when my ex was in the heat of her affair. She was deep into the progression of the disease. She hated me, despised me, resented me. She had her boyfriend and friends convinced that I was an abuser, keeping her from her kids, our money, etc. It was humiliating and whatever trust I had in people was eroded. I was full of anger and hurt and was lost beyond recognition. Yet I kept hoping and trying. I am not sure what that says about me as a person, but I was scared, and was holding on so that my whole life would not dissolve around me. I needed her, what our marriage stood for, that structure. It felt like a life raft and if I jumped out who knows if I could survive the shark infested, freezing waters? I know now that her treatment of me was unacceptable and that damage is done that can never be repaired to a level where I can give myself back to her. We have a daughter and a past now. I wont lie, I still have feelings for her, but they are confused and a I know fear and a belief that I am not a great catch keep me with one toe in. I am not saying that is right, it just is. One of the just for today quotes was: Just for today I wont be afraid. That is a hard one for me, but I will try. I already made good on that twice today. I might still have one hand on that life raft, but I m starting to see the water isn't all that bad.