woodlandlost

Hi,

This is my first post, although I am no stranger to reaching out on community forums. So glad I found this site.

I am the husband to an AW. She has been actively using for at least 10 years, with minimal periods of sobriety (3 months max, unverified). We have been married for 15 years and are currently separated and moving to a separation agreement. We have an 11 year old daughter and she is currently with me full time as my AW is living out of town for the past 2 months.

My AW and the abuse was building this past year, and has been using whatever she could find, cough syrup, sleeping pills etc. This December her addiction went way out of control when I discovered her 2.5 year affair with a co-worker. She claimed to want to make it work but the affair continued. We separated two months later and that is when she started going on benders, driving our daughter while intoxicated and that is when I put my foot down and put forth legal action to have her permitted to supervised visits only and no driving.

After that the AW wanted to try again and make things work and I was thrilled for the opportunity but the affair kept on going and she was acting very odd. I had enough, and again realized the affair was not over....he bought her a cell phone.

In the background I discovered from another co-worker, that my AW has been on a smear campaign directed against me. I was apparently abusive and a saddist. The boyfriend was there to save her. She told him I was out of the picture, but kept sleeping with me, and being my wife.

Fast forwrd to 3 weeks ago...my AW came home so that we could have a romantic evening and it was the start of us trying to re-build. We agreed to be exclusive and work a 12 step program as a family. The next day she was with her boyfriend, was verbally abusive to me and left on a 10 day bender. She never even reached out when she came back...I had to.

I am so done...does this ring true to anyone?

The lies, manipulation, cheating and discarding?

endofmyrope65

Divorce her and do not look back.
The affair is all you need. She does not love you.
Add to that the drug and alcohol abuse, and the abuse she has leveled at you and your daughter?

Divorce.

Consult a lawyer. Do not alert her. Expose the affair to family and friends so she cannot smear you. She is on a campaign to hurt you to justify her actions.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this.
PM me if you like.

PeacefulWater12

Welcome WoodlandLost

Sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us.

Your story is sadly very familiar. If you have a read around this forum, I am sure you will find many similar that you will relate to.

woodlandlost

@endofmyrope69

Thank you so much for the reply. After I get 15 posts I will absolutely PM you. I have a dagger in the place where my heart used to be. I went back to her and all she could say was that I was to difficult to live with because I kept bringing up the affair and that she was sick of validating me. To that I said, why would I not need validation when you keep bouncing back and forth.

Thanks so much for responding

LifeRecovery

Woodland-

It was my ex's affair that finally got me dealing with the elephant in the room, his drinking behavior.

I don't know if alcohol and affairs go hand in hand or how much they are related to each other......

I do know they both made me feel out of control, crazy and like I was walking on egg shells most of the time to try to keep each of them from happening. In that way I found alcohol and affairs similar....in my response to them.

There is an 12 step saying that helped me with both
I did not cause it
I cannot control it
I cannot cure it

Your wife is not drinking at you, or frankly probably having an affair at you (regardless of what she says). It is about her own stuff. That was really hard for me to understand for the longest time. The vitriol she is spewing is normal affair/alcohol dependence behavior. It hurt me a lot when it was happening because it felt so personal. As time went on I realized it was how he felt about himself......and that was not mine to contribute to or fix.

Getting help for me was all I could control. It did not matter if it was affair specific help, or being a loved one of an alcoholic help, it all helped me to step forward and heal......regardless of what my loved one chose to do. In my case, more was revealed and we divorced.

So my question for you is what can you do today, or this week to help you?

woodlandlost

@liferecovery:

To start, I have to come to believe that the terrible actions she took were not intentional to hurt me (although I struggle to believe that). I must get control of my obsessive rumination over the crazyness...trying to understand it is so futile but I can't stop. Why am I doing that...? I have my Al-Anon meeting tomorrow and I can get in touch with my sponsor today. My beautiful daughter is on a school field trip for 3 days so I plan to take care of myself. Clean the house and workout after work today. Water the garden...I have accupuncture this evening.

But the hardest part though is how to let go, to stop wanting to re-engage with her, so I can feel like I was worth something......I keep going back to two weeks ago where she looked into my eyes while we were together and she said she loved me and wanted to re-build...the next day she is sleeping with him. It is so horrible to picture that....gutting. It takes time to remove that from my mind.

I so appreciate your response and questions for me. Any further support is welcomed.

HardLessons

I completely understand how you feel. I've been through it.

From what you described in your opening post, its clear your wife is & has been an addict for many years. She is doing what addicts typically do. Addiction is extremely destructive.

Please take time to educate yourself concerning addiction. It will help you to understand. Your currently thinking about trying to reengage with a very damaged woman - a long term addict. I did the same & it always turned out very badly.

Obsessive rumination over the craziness is a clear sign that you need some type of help. I was doing the same & needed professional help. Time away from our addicts does help.

I am glad to hear you are doing various things to take care of yourself. I wish the very best for both you & your daughter.

endofmyrope65

You need to do the 180 - No Contact except for matters that relate to your daughter. She will play you like a fiddle if you allow it.
What you want is your wife back... the woman you married. Alas she is no longer there. She has been replaced by a selfish careless alcoholic abuser. Sorry but that's what you have said in so many words.

Head over to Talk About Marriage website and post your story.
You'll get plenty of help on the marriage front.

As was said earlier, You didn't cause it, You can't control it. You cant cure it.

And I stand opposed to many here who say it isn't personal.
I think it is personal. It happened to you. Your wife stole your life from you, lied to your face and kicked you right between the legs ... and hear me... she does not care.

Do not do the "pick me dance" You cannot win her back with that kind of weakness.

She will only respond to strength. Go see the lawyer and know your rights. They will advise you on how to proceed, whether it is backing up and collecting evidence to give you an upper hand in the divorce or protect you and your daughter from potential problems down this rocky road you find yourself on. Your wife basically abandoned you and your daughter.

Your wife will re-write your marital history painting you as the bad guy and blaming you for her affair and her drinking.

It's NOT your fault. She's a big girl and can make decisions for herself. She is responsible for driving her own life. Unfortunately she ran you over... and backed up, and ran you over again, and again.

Go see a lawyer ASAP and get tested for STDs. Oh also to drive home how serious you are, have your daughter DNA tested and your soon to be ex-wife served divorce papers. Do not engage with her except to talk about your daughter.

One last thing... if you do have any interaction with your wife carry a voice activated recorder with you as protection in case she files a domestic abuse charge against you. Better safe than sorry.

woodlandlost

Amazing advice...and the "pick me dance" reference was noted (read the leave a cheater book a million times!!)

I am in support of the fact that her actions are personal. I did take them personally. When someone lies to your face and runs off to someone else, I take it personally. Perhaps one day she will be able to justify her actions because of her disease; that is her choice to do so.

I have served her with papers and we are in the process of finalizing a separation agreement. I have full custody of the DD 11 which is wonderful for me. She say's I took everything from her....

On the note of voice recordings, I have used that a time or two and came in handy. Crazy story: This past march during a faux reconcilliation attempt (while she was still in her affair), my wife took a hammer and smashed a cell phone that her boyfrind bought her. WHile I was recording our conversation I asked her what the heck was this about and she replied that this was a gesture of good faith and a demonstration that the affair was over. When I shared this story with her co-worker, the wife told the whole office I wrestled the phone from her and made her watch as I smashed the phone...her friend was blown away when she heard the audio recording. So ya, good advice for sure...so scary and so amazing that the love of my life was malicously characterizing me as evil.

endofmyrope65

When deep in the fog, cheaters and alcoholics are quite amazing creatures.
Truth and proof have no meaning, lost in the haze of swirling desires and lack of critical thought.

Its good that you have educated yourself about both booze and bootie.
And bravo in taking control of your life by serving her.
The audio recording was a good call.

It's amazing how they all seem to follow a script.

Milano58

Hey sunshine.. I know how it feels. But right now she can't validate your feelings. I know how hard it is when the person you loved.. Who used to love you just turns it off at the tap. It's so demoralising. But you're going to keep getting hurt anytime you believe her. Going to her to feel worthy.. God I know how it hurts. Right now, you really need to surround yourself with loving people who can help you regain that worthiness. I'm struggling too. I see my ex as a puppet.. Dangling along on some addiction strings. I have to keep detaching. Especially when he tries to engage (got a redundant email from him yesterday). You deserve love.. You deserve peace. You are worthy of so much more than you are getting right now and even more than you BELIEVE you can have. Hugs!! You're not alone. We're right here with you.

woodlandlost

@Milano58, OMG thank you for that...it is just that...demoralizing. I just got a glimpse of them together two weeks ago...me hanging on. I don't deserve that.

dandylion

woodlandlost…..
Basic truth: You cannot go to the person who has wounded you and expect them to heal you....
That is like "Going to the hardware store expecting to get fresh baked bread".

Another fact.....enough Time and Space from the offending situation allows a person to see the situation more clearly.....and to bolster their own ego boundaries....

Leelee168

But the hardest part though is how to let go, to stop wanting to re-engage with her, so I can feel like I was worth something......I keep going back to two weeks ago where she looked into my eyes while we were together and she said she loved me and wanted to re-build...the next day she is sleeping with him. It is so horrible to picture that....gutting. It takes time to remove that from my mind.

I so appreciate your response and questions for me. Any further support is welcomed.[/QUOTE]


Hi Woodland,

Oh man, I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. You're not alone in it and there are a lot of people on here that can relate.

You used the right word "gutting" in describing how it feels to be the partner of the A. For me, there was domestic violence in addition to the lies and manipulation; the cheating became real after he was removed. And it hurt in a way that I cannot explain to learn that while he was abusive to me, he was cheating with someone else. I completely understand how you feel.

How do you let go? Well, people on here will tell you that it takes time and that is true. Have as little contact with her as possible and make it only about your daughter. Figure out the core emotion that you are feeling because of the cheating--is it anger? abandonment? grief? For me, it was mostly grief that the person I loved was gone and that he had actually been "gone" for two years (I learned he was cheating as far back as 2016 and he was removed in 2018), then it was anger about the lies while he was abusing me and cheating. It got so complicated and I couldn't figure it out alone.

Get a therapist. I found that there were layers of emotion that were tangled up in all of this and someone had to help me to sit with each of the emotions and figure them out. It's ongoing, still. Probably will be for some time--but I can tell you that I feel better.

I've given up on trying to figure him out; there was/is no rational thought there still. It's his choice to live as he does and not get help. It's still hard to watch the train wreck at times, but I did what I could do. This is what he chooses for his life. Eventually, you make peace with that.

I wish you all the best.

woodlandlost

@dandyloin and leelee:

Thank you for your responses. I have had much time to reflect on the pain that I experienced...and at the same time see where my lack of respect for my AW's boundaries occured also. I know after the discovery of her affair I was relentless in wanting information, timelines etc...I realize now that was futile. I pried into her life during the years of drinking, checking up on her, questioning her about her drinking....and other areas for sure. Boundaries are an area I need to work on for sure. So when I look at the pain all around, I see two wounded souls. I want to be mad and blame the alcohol, I do. But I keep looking back at myself.

Milano58

In a way they've done you a favour by being together. You can now accept that there is a vacumn in your life but it's not some gaping hole of despair and unworthyness.. Its space for somebody, something, a new way of life to come your way. Get every scrap of support you can get... Every morsel and start to build yourself up. You have a lovely heart that truly deserves to be cherished. Get angry.. Don't let anybody deny you love, worthiness or respect. Draw, write the life, relationship you want and don't settle for anything less. What's that expression.. If you reach for the stars and miss you get.. Something..something.. Something.

Writing this for me too. I have to keep reminding myself too. I deserve a lovely healthy relationship... With a cop. Now that would be effin hilarious rocking up with my new beau..Full uniform to my kids birthdays. My ex would have a canary.. He's had one too many run ins with em.

woodlandlost

@Milano...I hope you get that wish.

Thank you for the support and kind words. I absolutely must do those things and STOP going back to the well.

She sent me an email last evening, a photo of me she took and said in the subject line: Beautiful. Made me burst.

LifeRecovery

I had a saying during this time that helped a lot

No contacts = No new hurts

I also just want to normalize your feelings and behavior.......I did the choose me dance for a long time. It was only after the dissolution of my marriage that I started to really examine why I wanted to be the picked one.

Lastly there is support for affairs similar to this board. A word of wisdom I got on that side was that it can take 2-5 years to heal from an affair.....

I know that time frame feels overwhelming right now but it helped me to not beat myself up for not having it all healed and fixed six months or a year later.

I had to grieve not just my relationship, but what I wanted out of it.

It was a really really hard lesson for me. I am now grateful for the learning, but I wish I could have learned it another way.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome. I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

Take good care of yourself and your DD, she must be going through some hard things, and her needs are first above all else.

LifeChangeNYC