Boyfriend encouraged to break up with me in rehab
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1
Boyfriend encouraged to break up with me in rehab
My boyfriend and I are both 19. We've dated on and off when we were younger but came back into each others lives about a year ago. His addiction isn't physical, he does not have withdrawal without drugs, he uses due to mental health which he's been getting help for in therapy but wanted more to specifically target the drug use. He had done outpatient programs twice before but they never worked for him. Last week he finally went in for inpatient. It's been hard not being able to see him, but we both know it's what's best for him. Since being in rehab he's called me and told me some things about his group that make me uneasy. After only being there a couple days, the leader of his group therapy and the other men have been encouraging him to break up with me. Not even for the sake of his recovery but because I'm "obviously cheating on him because all girls do" They've also told him we're too codependent, due to him saying I was his motivation for getting clean. Obviously I'm very hurt by this. They have so much influence over him right now, and he's very upset because they're putting these bad things in his head. I would never cheat on him, and he knows this. His rehab facility has couples therapy, and according to the couples therapist our relationship is healthy and beneficial to his recovery. He's started replacing the word 'girlfriend' in sentences with 'bestfriend' and no one has a problem with anything he's said after that such as "my best friend motivated me to get clean."
If I believed for a second that our relationship was hindering his recovery I would not be here, I only want what is best for him but in a way we both help each other because we have talked about our future together if we continued doing the irresponsible things we were and agree if we're ever going to work and we need to make better decisions. He wanted to get clean for that and I wanted to go back to college and do better. I wouldn't consider that codependency, neither of take care of each other and we are fine without each other, we just make each other better people.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing? Is it as inappropriate as I feel it is, or is this just typical guy talk, and I'm overreacting?
If I believed for a second that our relationship was hindering his recovery I would not be here, I only want what is best for him but in a way we both help each other because we have talked about our future together if we continued doing the irresponsible things we were and agree if we're ever going to work and we need to make better decisions. He wanted to get clean for that and I wanted to go back to college and do better. I wouldn't consider that codependency, neither of take care of each other and we are fine without each other, we just make each other better people.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing? Is it as inappropriate as I feel it is, or is this just typical guy talk, and I'm overreacting?
Last edited by greeteachday; 06-26-2017 at 06:53 PM. Reason: rule issue
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[QUOTE=OldeTyme]but because I'm "obviously cheating on him because all girls do" QUOTE] No, this is not appropriate at all. Hopefully he is not so easily swayed that he would listen to this garbage from random strangers who know nothing of you or your relationship.
Last edited by greeteachday; 06-26-2017 at 06:54 PM.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
This is not the first time I have heard this or something similar. I have no experience of rehab, so I can't really speak to it.
But something sounds off.
I guess more will be revealed. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and try not o worry too much. Things wil go the way they are meant to go.
But something sounds off.
I guess more will be revealed. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and try not o worry too much. Things wil go the way they are meant to go.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think the saying More Will Be Revealed very much applies here. if he's 2-3 days or so into rehab, his head is jumbled mess and i wouldn't give anything he is saying right now much weight. i also am a bit suspicious that a person of leadership wiithin the facility would make such statements. maybe other GUYS who are also messed up in the head right now.
but IF he maintains that line and does decide to break up, there's not much you can do right? wishing you the best.
but IF he maintains that line and does decide to break up, there's not much you can do right? wishing you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 52
I agree. I feel really skeptical that he is being entirely honest about this. It seems to me that he is trying to give you this feeling of "us versus them" to get him an excuse to leave rehab or something without you holding it against him. I may be wrong, but that is a strong vibe I'm getting by the way you're describing it.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 52
AABF told not to be in a relationship
I understand your frustration. When my alcoholic addict boyfriend was in rehab his counselor told him he should not be in a relationship.
She told him the best things to do if you are a person who is trying to get clean and sober is to just focus on your sobriety and not be in a relationship.
This frustrated me. The woman didn't know anything about me and was telling him not to continue a relationship. I understand focusing on your sobriety, but what if we had been married?
Does she counsel everyone who goes into rehab to automatically go get divorced if they're going to seek sobriety?
On the other hand, you have to look at where the information is coming from. My AABF. Has lied so much it's not even funny. So who knows if what they are saying is even true?
Maybe your BF just wants an out & is using that as an excuse?
I have found that being in a relationship with someone who uses drugs and alcohol to excess has been exhausting and very costly, not only financially but emotionally and mentally as well.
It may be the best thing for you to cut ties with him regardless of how painful. I understand the loss. I really do.
She told him the best things to do if you are a person who is trying to get clean and sober is to just focus on your sobriety and not be in a relationship.
This frustrated me. The woman didn't know anything about me and was telling him not to continue a relationship. I understand focusing on your sobriety, but what if we had been married?
Does she counsel everyone who goes into rehab to automatically go get divorced if they're going to seek sobriety?
On the other hand, you have to look at where the information is coming from. My AABF. Has lied so much it's not even funny. So who knows if what they are saying is even true?
Maybe your BF just wants an out & is using that as an excuse?
I have found that being in a relationship with someone who uses drugs and alcohol to excess has been exhausting and very costly, not only financially but emotionally and mentally as well.
It may be the best thing for you to cut ties with him regardless of how painful. I understand the loss. I really do.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Sorry to be so blunt but in the past 18 years I have read or heard hundreds of times where "the rehab told the addict to break up with the spouse or loved one". Never once has the spouse or loved one actually heard it from the rehab themselves, it's always just the addict saying they said it. And, 99.9% of the time they are in a co-ed rehab when they claim this and are already involved or soon to be involved in a rehab romance which are very common.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by OldeTyme 
My boyfriend and I are both 19. We've dated on and off when we were younger but came back into each others lives about a year ago. His addiction isn't physical, he does not have withdrawal without drugs, he uses due to mental health which he's been getting help for in therapy but wanted more to specifically target the drug use. He had done outpatient programs twice before but they never worked for him. Last week he finally went in for inpatient. It's been hard not being able to see him, but we both know it's what's best for him. Since being in rehab he's called me and told me some things about his group that make me uneasy. After only being there a couple days, the leader of his group therapy and the other men have been encouraging him to break up with me. Not even for the sake of his recovery but because I'm "obviously cheating on him because all girls do" They've also told him we're too codependent, due to him saying I was his motivation for getting clean. Obviously I'm very hurt by this. They have so much influence over him right now, and he's very upset because they're putting these bad things in his head. I would never cheat on him, and he knows this. His rehab facility has couples therapy, and according to the couples therapist our relationship is healthy and beneficial to his recovery. He's started replacing the word 'girlfriend' in sentences with 'bestfriend' and no one has a problem with anything he's said after that such as "my best friend motivated me to get clean."
If I believed for a second that our relationship was hindering his recovery I would not be here, I only want what is best for him but in a way we both help each other because we have talked about our future together if we continued doing the irresponsible things we were and agree if we're ever going to work and we need to make better decisions. He wanted to get clean for that and I wanted to go back to college and do better. I wouldn't consider that codependency, neither of take care of each other and we are fine without each other, we just make each other better people.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing? Is it as inappropriate as I feel it is, or is this just typical guy talk, and I'm overreacting?
If I believed for a second that our relationship was hindering his recovery I would not be here, I only want what is best for him but in a way we both help each other because we have talked about our future together if we continued doing the irresponsible things we were and agree if we're ever going to work and we need to make better decisions. He wanted to get clean for that and I wanted to go back to college and do better. I wouldn't consider that codependency, neither of take care of each other and we are fine without each other, we just make each other better people.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing? Is it as inappropriate as I feel it is, or is this just typical guy talk, and I'm overreacting?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Several years back I worked at a rehab for a couple of years.
Home/outside relationships were often discussed, in group sessions and individually with residents.
If the relationship coming in was happy and solid, family was often invited to a "family day" session to try to help the whole family understand the process of recovery.
If the relationship was toxic, it was often suggested that some space and time be allowed so that the resident could focus on his recovery and the positive things in his life, without outside interference.
New relationships, while in rehab (this was an all men's rehab but there were outings to meetings and outside therapy as well), were discouraged. The new feelings, both good and bad, were detrimental to the focus on recovery for the person themselves.
In ALL cases, that I recall, the final decision was up to the resident. Once they completed the 3 month program and left rehab, all life decisions were up to them. The rehab's program of recovery gave them tools to handle situations in a healthy way and the decision to use those tools was up to the resident.
Does this make it easy for the person left behind? Certainly not. Is it a healthy practice for all concerned? Youbetcha.
There are meetings and counseling for those who cannot accept or cope with all this. These are for you and nobody else, to find a better life and to make healthier choices. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us find our balance. Support from sites like SR, helps us help each other.
This may not be what you wanted to hear, but it's the straight truth.
Please note that this is an old thread, the original posters may no longer be around to share their answers to your questions.
Good Luck.
Home/outside relationships were often discussed, in group sessions and individually with residents.
If the relationship coming in was happy and solid, family was often invited to a "family day" session to try to help the whole family understand the process of recovery.
If the relationship was toxic, it was often suggested that some space and time be allowed so that the resident could focus on his recovery and the positive things in his life, without outside interference.
New relationships, while in rehab (this was an all men's rehab but there were outings to meetings and outside therapy as well), were discouraged. The new feelings, both good and bad, were detrimental to the focus on recovery for the person themselves.
In ALL cases, that I recall, the final decision was up to the resident. Once they completed the 3 month program and left rehab, all life decisions were up to them. The rehab's program of recovery gave them tools to handle situations in a healthy way and the decision to use those tools was up to the resident.
Does this make it easy for the person left behind? Certainly not. Is it a healthy practice for all concerned? Youbetcha.
There are meetings and counseling for those who cannot accept or cope with all this. These are for you and nobody else, to find a better life and to make healthier choices. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us find our balance. Support from sites like SR, helps us help each other.
This may not be what you wanted to hear, but it's the straight truth.
Please note that this is an old thread, the original posters may no longer be around to share their answers to your questions.
Good Luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I know the original post is from 2017 but when I saw it bumped up, I took a read.
The OP saying that the partner was now referring to her as "best friend" rather than "girlfriend" and saying that all girlfriends cheat, boloney about the facility telling him to split up from her, to me just screams that he laying the path so HE could cheat on her, or more likely already was!
Is one of those lying, dysfunctional dances that addicts/drinkers/cheats in general do to make it "ok" to cheat.
The OP saying that the partner was now referring to her as "best friend" rather than "girlfriend" and saying that all girlfriends cheat, boloney about the facility telling him to split up from her, to me just screams that he laying the path so HE could cheat on her, or more likely already was!
Is one of those lying, dysfunctional dances that addicts/drinkers/cheats in general do to make it "ok" to cheat.
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