Hello there, yes it's me again...

Old 12-07-2016, 05:26 PM
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Argh! That ignoring bit he does strikes a nerve for me, it was
something my AH used to do, and I ignored the behavior at first.
Then for a while, I started treating him the same way, and he
noticed, as I was never rude in that way before. I thought he would
start an argument about it or something, but he stopped doing it.

I found it easiest to do when he called from another room or if
I was busy and had my back turned toward him. I was however,
prepared to discuss it and ask that he stop the behavior, but I
didn't have to.

Not saying it would work for you, or the most mature way to
handle it, but my solution.
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Old 12-07-2016, 05:28 PM
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Dandy,

Just you asking me and getting my brain in gear made me remember (something uber obvious lol) that I DO have a better vehicle for me. It is four doors, leg room for kiddos and much more reliable. it has been sitting in our garage needing some work, but it would be much more affordable than buying something else with unknown issues. All mechanical problems are good to go on this vehicle, just tires/brakes kind of stuff...
Would be a few hundred dollars to get going, perhaps I could take out a small loan from parents or best friend to take care of this...ideas...
So I guess I can check that off my list.
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Old 12-07-2016, 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
One day in the midst of my anger I realized that every other person in my life said the exact & total opposite - WHY was I giving his narrow opinion SO much weight???? Talk about a real AHA moment - why was 100 other people literally telling me the opposite to my face (not passively, not via 2nd hand info) not enough?

Why was I accepting HIS false definition of me?
I can relate SO MUCH to this. My xA tried to make me think something was wrong with me. He projected such a negative image of myself onto me that i ATE and ATE and ATE. That was how I tried to find joy, was thru eating. I thought I was nothing, worthless.

Everyone else in my life (bosses/friends/family), literally EVERYONE has always said what a hard worker I am. Other words to describe me honest, compassionate, giving, lovable, funny, bright, smart, beautiful. Yet, this ONE person who I should mean the MOST to literally gaslighted and projected onto me until I had ENOUGH. All of us, are enough. We might not be compatible with someone, but nobody ever deserves to be treated with disrespect.
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Old 12-07-2016, 06:16 PM
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I am sorry it was a fight last night. Yelling is really just not OK in my book unless you are yelling at someone to get their attention because something or someone is in danger.

I will share one thing. My mom Hated it when we (sister and I) would call out "Mom! Mom! Mom.....?" over and over again waiting for her to say "Yes, Seren" and then ask the question or say what we wanted to say. Annoyed her to bits and pieces, and she is not an alcoholic.

What she asked us to do was walk into the room where she happened to be and say: "Mom, may I have a snack?" or "Mom, may I go to Susie's house after school?" or whatever it was I was going to say. So that is what I learned and it is still how I address people.

Again, doubt my mother's personal annoyance at saying 'Mom' over and over has any bearing on what happened to you last night...but it might be a tiny small part of the equation.

I hope that peace has returned and the kids have calmed down! Sending many hugs and prayers your way.
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Old 12-07-2016, 07:44 PM
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Originally Posted by thousandwords53 View Post
So in the car last night I did it again, then he went into a verbal assault on me saying "eff this effing bullshiz eff eff. Im sick of it! Effing can't do anything right...." I say, "yes I'm sick of it too!" So then is snowballs into he feels he can't do anything right by me, and that I have had a serious attitude lately what's wrong with me. I am just like my mother, and he is so stressed out, and that I ignore the kids too....blah blah blah.
My STBXAH would tell me the same stuff. Sometimes I was just like my mother, sometimes I was like my father. He couldn't keep it straight. It didn't matter. He would call me a nag, too, or tell me everyone knows how moody I am, or how I screwed up something. None of it mattered. I finally got to the point where I told him, "If you want to go out, just go. You don't have to pick a fight". Because that's what this is.

Don't believe his BS. Take care of you and your kids. While he's actively using, he's going to do and say whatever gets him what he wants. Protect your kids and stay off that crazy train.

From your other replies, it sounds like you have a plan. Stay strong.
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Old 12-07-2016, 07:52 PM
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Originally Posted by thousandwords53 View Post
' Tis the season for ruining potentially great memories. All is well then he hits the breaks on the fun train, every single event I can remember is tainted with something like this.
Tonight husband decided to put up the Christmas tree. I have to drop everything to help with the tree. I complain but I cave in. He gets what he wished ranging and ranting while putting the tree into the base. If course it's all my fault. Oh by the way this was DS birthday and I missed him opening gifts because I caved. What memories of his birthday will be for him an me? Don't cave due to his issues. It's about your happiness. Run when you can.
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Old 12-07-2016, 08:43 PM
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Seren: I know what you mean about the yelling or hollering for someone when you can just walk and find them, lol. In this instance though, they are standing there next to him while he's in his recliner throne, or in the same room as him at least. Riding in the car etc. They are just saying his name over and over again patiently, until he notices or they give up, I've witnessed that happen. The kids often do that to me, say my name more than once AS I am answering them. It's like they expect to not be heard or be interrupted - so by default they are calling out my name, multiple times. And I end up saying "yes, sweetie....what's up? .....DD#2, I am answering you. Give mommy a second to reply after you say my name."
***summons patience of an angel****
Lol
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Old 12-07-2016, 09:47 PM
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Originally Posted by garnetwaters View Post
My STBXAH would tell me the same stuff. Sometimes I was just like my mother, sometimes I was like my father. He couldn't keep it straight. It didn't matter. He would call me a nag, too, or tell me everyone knows how moody I am, or how I screwed up something. None of it mattered. I finally got to the point where I told him, "If you want to go out, just go. You don't have to pick a fight". Because that's what this is.

Don't believe his BS. Take care of you and your kids. While he's actively using, he's going to do and say whatever gets him what he wants. Protect your kids and stay off that crazy train.

From your other replies, it sounds like you have a plan. Stay strong.
Yes and thank you, that made me think of all the ways AH contradicts himself.

Will go from: He can't parent the way he wants without my interjection, I don't involve him enough / To this: He just can't handle these kids. Next time I work on a weekend, I need to find other child care arrangements. Or abandoning us at family functions because he's off drinking somewhere or can't handle the family stress. (At a function with HIS family more often than not)

Ok. I have sufficiently reminded myself why I'm here. Another post of mine to go back and read when I'm in doubt.
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Old 12-07-2016, 09:59 PM
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Originally Posted by letitend View Post
I can relate SO MUCH to this. My xA tried to make me think something was wrong with me. He projected such a negative image of myself onto me that i ATE and ATE and ATE. That was how I tried to find joy, was thru eating. I thought I was nothing, worthless.

Everyone else in my life (bosses/friends/family), literally EVERYONE has always said what a hard worker I am. Other words to describe me honest, compassionate, giving, lovable, funny, bright, smart, beautiful. Yet, this ONE person who I should mean the MOST to literally gaslighted and projected onto me until I had ENOUGH. All of us, are enough. We might not be compatible with someone, but nobody ever deserves to be treated with disrespect.

So much, yes!

I am almost 2 years in, recovering from binge eating/food for comfort. I've lost almost 90lbs and regained my true personality back after many years very unhappy/unhealthy. This is also when I started to really value myself and realize something wasn't right in my life.

Now this works against me, as my confidence and appearance has improved drastically, he feels insecure and threatened. I do not have an ego, but I am truly happy with myself. And it scares him.
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Old 12-07-2016, 10:30 PM
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thousandwords.....Bingo!.....that your self improvement triggers even more insecurity (and bad treatment).....
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Old 12-08-2016, 08:28 AM
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Originally Posted by letitend View Post
I can relate SO MUCH to this. My xA tried to make me think something was wrong with me. He projected such a negative image of myself onto me that i ATE and ATE and ATE. That was how I tried to find joy, was thru eating. I thought I was nothing, worthless.

Everyone else in my life (bosses/friends/family), literally EVERYONE has always said what a hard worker I am. Other words to describe me honest, compassionate, giving, lovable, funny, bright, smart, beautiful. Yet, this ONE person who I should mean the MOST to literally gaslighted and projected onto me until I had ENOUGH. All of us, are enough. We might not be compatible with someone, but nobody ever deserves to be treated with disrespect.
Again, word-for-word, this is my experience. Recovering from emotional eating disorders & especially binge eating as well. This is where *my* addiction as an ACoA came out sideways, IMO. When RAH came out about his secret drinking & started AA, I gained something like 15 lbs in 2 weeks as an emotionally defensive way of layering extra protection around my physical body.


Originally Posted by thousandwords53
I am almost 2 years in, recovering from binge eating/food for comfort. I've lost almost 90lbs and regained my true personality back after many years very unhappy/unhealthy. This is also when I started to really value myself and realize something wasn't right in my life.

Now this works against me, as my confidence and appearance has improved drastically, he feels insecure and threatened. I do not have an ego, but I am truly happy with myself. And it scares him.
In the last year & a half I've dropped about 40lbs & many sizes & worked on my Whole Life Recovery - I got sick of all the "reasons" hanging like albatross around my waistline & hiding in the corners of my mind.

I'm like a broken record on this but reading a lot of Brene Brown's work during that time also had a huge impact on me..... I know I was ready & open to change & she relays info in a way I can truly to relate to, so it helped. I got some on audio & streamed it while I power-walked, some on CD & listened in the car, some I just read. Her work helped me to let go of perfectionism, body shame, blameshifting & emotionally hiding. I highly recommend even just watching her TED talks if you haven't already.

You ladies are doing phenomenally!
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Old 12-08-2016, 08:43 AM
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FS:
" Her work helped me to let go of perfectionism, body shame, blameshifting & emotionally hiding. "

Again, yes this ^^^
Brene Brown, I will look that up. I've been reading a lot lately but haven't come across it yet. Thank you for the suggestion
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Old 12-08-2016, 08:49 AM
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Also, wanted to add, that just by seeing the term "emotionally hiding" made me realize that's exactly how I used to be, and still am but have improved so much. I just googled it, and yup. That's me. I no longer put up an emotional mask with AH, and when it contradicts what he expects of me it angers him. I'm no longer a robot to him.

Thank you FS for sharing that author, I know you've mentioned it before. Sharing that just now really helped me.
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Old 12-08-2016, 09:28 AM
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I can remember a conversation with my then 17 yo daughter. She was angry at me because it seemed I always had money for alcohol, but I didn't always get groceries. We got into a big fight. I told her I was tired of always being the bad guy, that everything that went wrong they all blamed on me. Well, truth is, I was the problem I couldn't see it when I was actively drinking. Definitely see it now. I used this fight and others like it to drink more. That was two years ago. Your husband may still be there, that guy you married. I hope he gets in recovery before you've had enough. You deserve to see him again. Your fight in the car reminded me of this one. There were many. I work everyday trying to make up for these things. Hopefully, someday he will too.
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Old 12-08-2016, 10:15 AM
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I could have also written every last word of your situation. I just wanted to offer, the last time the children were in the vehicle when my EAH was verbally abusive to me and I learned he was under the influence of drugs/alcohol while driving us (also, around the holidays I should add) was the last time we drove with him again. EVER. A new boundary for you and the kids possibly? It was months after implementing my personal no longer driving with my EAH boundary before I left. Also, FWIW, the night I did wind up leaving, after 15 years, when the verbal garbage was directed at both myself and young children was my personal rock bottom. I had finally had enough that all of the cautious planning I have always done my entire life went out the window. I left with the kids and one grocery sack of clothes and filed for divorce. It was months before I could have him legally removed from the residence. I have been a silent member of SR recovery for a year (and visitor for longer than that) and have never commented before. Your situation really resonated with me. When you have had enough, the fighter inside you won't let you down. You and your children will begin the strive and thrive in YOUR new life. I have found the experience extremely powerful to my well being. I should also note that I am no-contact with the EAH, since leaving and a regular Al Anon member.

Praying for you, thousandwords, and others who are walking a similar path for strength. When I left, I have never been so happy to have so little in my life, if I could go back in time and face the same decision I would do it all again in a heartbeat and sooner if I could. When you've had enough, you will know and be ready to act, even if you do not feel you are ready. Trust yourself.
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Old 12-08-2016, 10:22 AM
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th ousandwords.....whenever we change our behaviors....those around us always notice. If our former behaviors were ones that served THEIR needs....you can be sure that they are going to react.....Often in critical or negative ways....

I think one has to be aware that this is going to happen...and, expect it.
I certainly have had to face this, myself. It bites....
I think it is one of the prices that we have to face, if we want to reclaim our place in this world.
One thing , for sure, is that we can't keep every person happy....and, especially, we can't keep anyone happy all the time without sacrificing some parts of ourselves.

Think about this....how many people have made it their job to keep YOU happy, all the time? How long is that list?
so, why do other people get better treatment than you....
Nobody else is a damn bit better than you.....
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Old 12-08-2016, 11:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Gm0824 View Post
I could have also written every last word of your situation. I just wanted to offer, the last time the children were in the vehicle when my EAH was verbally abusive to me and I learned he was under the influence of drugs/alcohol while driving us (also, around the holidays I should add) was the last time we drove with him again. EVER. A new boundary for you and the kids possibly? It was months after implementing my personal no longer driving with my EAH boundary before I left. Also, FWIW, the night I did wind up leaving, after 15 years, when the verbal garbage was directed at both myself and young children was my personal rock bottom. I had finally had enough that all of the cautious planning I have always done my entire life went out the window. I left with the kids and one grocery sack of clothes and filed for divorce. It was months before I could have him legally removed from the residence. I have been a silent member of SR recovery for a year (and visitor for longer than that) and have never commented before. Your situation really resonated with me. When you have had enough, the fighter inside you won't let you down. You and your children will begin the strive and thrive in YOUR new life. I have found the experience extremely powerful to my well being. I should also note that I am no-contact with the EAH, since leaving and a regular Al Anon member.

Praying for you, thousandwords, and others who are walking a similar path for strength. When I left, I have never been so happy to have so little in my life, if I could go back in time and face the same decision I would do it all again in a heartbeat and sooner if I could. When you've had enough, you will know and be ready to act, even if you do not feel you are ready. Trust yourself.
Wow. Thank you for sharing. How very brave of you to take that leap of faith.
I am most definitely no longer letting him drive us anywhere. If he insists on driving I will take us separately. I cannot with a clear conscience let it continue. I found evidence this morning that he has been drinking much more than I thought. So it is progressing. Can't trust how he acts to match his intoxication level. Here I had been distracted by the abuse and confusion.

Awesome on you for leaving when the moment was right, and not worrying about a plan.
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Old 12-08-2016, 12:34 PM
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I am not a brave person, I am a normal person. A wife (whose H just happened to be an addict), a mother, a daughter, a sister - just as you are. I think that was just what I was trying to relay to you. You and your children have a higher power that knows exactly what your "plan" will be already, you just have to be listening and ready to act.

One thing I heard at church that really hit me like a ton of bricks was on the topic off trust .... are we paying attention to words or actions?? Actions speak so much louder to me personally. Even when the words being spoken to me by ExAH were so cutting the majority of the time. His actions, sometimes even the inactions, are what I could no longer "hide" from ... I read through your other posts, you have received precious wisdom in so many of your responses. Proud of you.
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Old 12-08-2016, 02:18 PM
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Thank you for this thread. I mentioned once to STBXAH that friends family and coworkers seemed to like me as I am just fine and don't complain about me the way he did. His answer; " They don't have to live with you." Well I don't have to live with him anymore!

Moved out six months ago- feeling great and looking great- lost weight to a very healthy attractive size. bought a new wardrobe- My old clothes in addition to being too big, were drab and baggy. I can't believe my tastes have changed so much!

There are some other current posts that have given me pause to think about resentments- instead of holding on to resentments, I am reading the signs. He was a bully and I deserve better. I deserve to be happy and to only be with people who treat me well. I can say NO loud and clear now. There is so much more to life.
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Old 12-09-2016, 07:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Gm0824 View Post
I am not a brave person, I am a normal person. A wife (whose H just happened to be an addict), a mother, a daughter, a sister - just as you are. I think that was just what I was trying to relay to you. You and your children have a higher power that knows exactly what your "plan" will be already, you just have to be listening and ready to act.

One thing I heard at church that really hit me like a ton of bricks was on the topic off trust .... are we paying attention to words or actions?? Actions speak so much louder to me personally. Even when the words being spoken to me by ExAH were so cutting the majority of the time. His actions, sometimes even the inactions, are what I could no longer "hide" from ... I read through your other posts, you have received precious wisdom in so many of your responses. Proud of you.
Thank you and Thank you!
I had a phone consult yesterday to help me focus on my end goal. I am more prepared than I thought, which gives me peace. We will be ok. We will be better. Need to remind myself that when I waver or feel guilt.
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