Hello there, yes it's me again...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Hello there, yes it's me again...
AH blew up on me last night when I had the audacity to say something to him when he, once again, ignored one of us asking him a question. This is a terrible habit of his. I will hear" Dad...dad....daddy, dad, dad......dad....."
Finally he hears them/me after on average 8 times. Lately I have been calling his name out a bit louder and alerting him to answer that person. It's very annoying and rude in my opinion. He is spaced out not paying attention and he gets mad at me when I do this.
So in the car last night I did it again, then he went into a verbal assault on me saying "eff this effing bullshiz eff eff. Im sick of it! Effing can't do anything right...." I say, "yes I'm sick of it too!" So then is snowballs into he feels he can't do anything right by me, and that I have had a serious attitude lately what's wrong with me. I am just like my mother, and he is so stressed out, and that I ignore the kids too....blah blah blah.
I tried to J.A.D.E of course, because that's what I do..finally I had to say I can't talk about this right now. Cant do it. and I walked away and took a bath to calm down.
But it really hurt that he thinks I am nagging him, that I am so hard to please and that I am turning into my mother. (I love my mother and she has her issues, but I am nothing like her. Being like her is an ultimate insult coming from him as he can't stand her)
I am the most easy going, non demanding wife in the history of marriage. I know this to be the truth, the only "nagging" I have partaken in, would be to stand up for myself or the kiddos if he says something out of line. He feels he can't parent the way he wants and that I always undermine him. In reality I am protecting the kids when his demands are way out of line, especially age appropriate expectations, such as no finger prints on the windows when we are in his vehicle, barking orders to clean up toys, etc etc you guys have read it before. I have told him I am not allowing this shiz anymore and yes, I will say something.
I was so dumbfounded at him flipping out on me last night. he seemed genuinely frustrated that I have been so quick to nitpick him lately. All of this was on the way home from and after the kids' Christmas program. I realized afterwards that he had his flask with him, and had probably drank before the recital in order to "deal" with the crowds, annoyance of being there. He drove us home too and I feel terrible about it.
My mind has been so messed up with these accusations that I really feel are false. I am not demanding nor do I lash out at him for no reason. I am always acting in defense if I do use a stern tone. Our realties are so different. This made me question my sanity, my intentions and my actions.I really feel that I am a nice, caring person and the hear him think that I am being cruel hurts me and takes a lot of my momentum out of how I feel. Please help me decipher this SR friends. Thank you for reading, this may be a jumbled mess as I am typing this at work incognito lol.
Finally he hears them/me after on average 8 times. Lately I have been calling his name out a bit louder and alerting him to answer that person. It's very annoying and rude in my opinion. He is spaced out not paying attention and he gets mad at me when I do this.
So in the car last night I did it again, then he went into a verbal assault on me saying "eff this effing bullshiz eff eff. Im sick of it! Effing can't do anything right...." I say, "yes I'm sick of it too!" So then is snowballs into he feels he can't do anything right by me, and that I have had a serious attitude lately what's wrong with me. I am just like my mother, and he is so stressed out, and that I ignore the kids too....blah blah blah.
I tried to J.A.D.E of course, because that's what I do..finally I had to say I can't talk about this right now. Cant do it. and I walked away and took a bath to calm down.
But it really hurt that he thinks I am nagging him, that I am so hard to please and that I am turning into my mother. (I love my mother and she has her issues, but I am nothing like her. Being like her is an ultimate insult coming from him as he can't stand her)
I am the most easy going, non demanding wife in the history of marriage. I know this to be the truth, the only "nagging" I have partaken in, would be to stand up for myself or the kiddos if he says something out of line. He feels he can't parent the way he wants and that I always undermine him. In reality I am protecting the kids when his demands are way out of line, especially age appropriate expectations, such as no finger prints on the windows when we are in his vehicle, barking orders to clean up toys, etc etc you guys have read it before. I have told him I am not allowing this shiz anymore and yes, I will say something.
I was so dumbfounded at him flipping out on me last night. he seemed genuinely frustrated that I have been so quick to nitpick him lately. All of this was on the way home from and after the kids' Christmas program. I realized afterwards that he had his flask with him, and had probably drank before the recital in order to "deal" with the crowds, annoyance of being there. He drove us home too and I feel terrible about it.
My mind has been so messed up with these accusations that I really feel are false. I am not demanding nor do I lash out at him for no reason. I am always acting in defense if I do use a stern tone. Our realties are so different. This made me question my sanity, my intentions and my actions.I really feel that I am a nice, caring person and the hear him think that I am being cruel hurts me and takes a lot of my momentum out of how I feel. Please help me decipher this SR friends. Thank you for reading, this may be a jumbled mess as I am typing this at work incognito lol.
Last edited by thousandwords53; 12-07-2016 at 02:19 PM. Reason: typo...again
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
It sounds like gaslighting and diversion. If he can have you second guessing yourself then he can keel the blame and the work off of himself. Stay in your own hoola hoop. Stay strong for you and your children. Our husbands are so alike.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,642
I am the alcoholic husband that destroyed our marriage. Everything was the world's fault. I am stressed, you don't understand, I got fired, someone at work I don't talk to heard about a friend who committed suicide. Even if my excuses for drinking were real reasons for being stressed- does that make it right or appropriate for me to DRINK to run away from those problems? Is drinking a problem away a better strategy (which it was- planned) instead of talking to my wife as 'normies' do? Or if I am so stressed that I have to drink to find release- talking to my doctor, a counsellor, a social worker is not a better plan? Why not just drink instead of hiding it behind blaming others? Am I such a coward I can't even be an alcoholic by myself? No I have to ruin every body else's lives as well. Besides if my wife felt guilt- that means she if off my back and that gives me valuable drinking time- if I get her really upset I can push this thing out to 2 or even perhaps 3 days of uninterrupted drinking. To get really drunk takes time and effort. That is what I did. I am not saying that is true for you.
What I am saying is you do not have to let yourself feel guilty. You have the right to feel safe, loved, respectedand appreciated. Perhaps talk to someone? There are some good threads at SR which focus on family and friends of addiction in spouses etc.
My thoughts, prayers and support to you and your family. PJ
What I am saying is you do not have to let yourself feel guilty. You have the right to feel safe, loved, respectedand appreciated. Perhaps talk to someone? There are some good threads at SR which focus on family and friends of addiction in spouses etc.
My thoughts, prayers and support to you and your family. PJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by hearthealth 
It sounds like gaslighting and diversion. If he can have you second guessing yourself then he can keel the blame and the work off of himself. Stay in your own hoola hoop. Stay strong for you and your children. Our husbands are so alike.
I need to come to terms with the fact that we will always be coming from different realities. My truth is what matters and is not drowned in alcohol. So maddening though!!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
PhoenixJ, thank you for offering your perspective from the other side...I know I learn from your posts and it's brave and kind of you to offer your experience.
Thousandwords53...look at your user name. I bet it's more like a hundred thousand words you've heard from your AH criticizing and haranguing you, let alone what he's said to your kids.
Only you know when that 100,001st word is going to hit home and help you realize that he will never change, never take responsibility, and will just keep on drinking and being a moody pain in the butt to live with.
Nothing you did or didn't do, are or aren't, said or didn't say makes one bit of difference.
Thousandwords53...look at your user name. I bet it's more like a hundred thousand words you've heard from your AH criticizing and haranguing you, let alone what he's said to your kids.
Only you know when that 100,001st word is going to hit home and help you realize that he will never change, never take responsibility, and will just keep on drinking and being a moody pain in the butt to live with.
Nothing you did or didn't do, are or aren't, said or didn't say makes one bit of difference.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
When it's gaslighting and diversion, by definition he doesn't actually have the perceptions he's throwing around. He wants to drink in peace. He wants you to just ignore the crappy way he treats you and the kids.
I'm not suggesting you keep engaging with him, but I AM suggesting that this behavior is harming everyone in that household. How do you think your kids felt about this little scene in the car? One that's becoming part of everyday life?
I'm not suggesting you keep engaging with him, but I AM suggesting that this behavior is harming everyone in that household. How do you think your kids felt about this little scene in the car? One that's becoming part of everyday life?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
I am the alcoholic husband that destroyed our marriage. Everything was the world's fault. I am stressed, you don't understand, I got fired, someone at work I don't talk to heard about a friend who committed suicide. Even if my excuses for drinking were real reasons for being stressed- does that make it right or appropriate for me to DRINK to run away from those problems? Is drinking a problem away a better strategy (which it was- planned) instead of talking to my wife as 'normies' do? Or if I am so stressed that I have to drink to find release- talking to my doctor, a counsellor, a social worker is not a better plan? Why not just drink instead of hiding it behind blaming others? Am I such a coward I can't even be an alcoholic by myself? No I have to ruin every body else's lives as well. Besides if my wife felt guilt- that means she if off my back and that gives me valuable drinking time- if I get her really upset I can push this thing out to 2 or even perhaps 3 days of uninterrupted drinking. To get really drunk takes time and effort. That is what I did. I am not saying that is true for you.
What I am saying is you do not have to let yourself feel guilty. You have the right to feel safe, loved, respectedand appreciated. Perhaps talk to someone? There are some good threads at SR which focus on family and friends of addiction in spouses etc.
My thoughts, prayers and support to you and your family. PJ
What I am saying is you do not have to let yourself feel guilty. You have the right to feel safe, loved, respectedand appreciated. Perhaps talk to someone? There are some good threads at SR which focus on family and friends of addiction in spouses etc.
My thoughts, prayers and support to you and your family. PJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
PhoenixJ, thank you for offering your perspective from the other side...I know I learn from your posts and it's brave and kind of you to offer your experience.
Thousandwords53...look at your user name. I bet it's more like a hundred thousand words you've heard from your AH criticizing and haranguing you, let alone what he's said to your kids.
Only you know when that 100,001st word is going to hit home and help you realize that he will never change, never take responsibility, and will just keep on drinking and being a moody pain in the butt to live with.
Nothing you did or didn't do, are or aren't, said or didn't say makes one bit of difference.
Thousandwords53...look at your user name. I bet it's more like a hundred thousand words you've heard from your AH criticizing and haranguing you, let alone what he's said to your kids.
Only you know when that 100,001st word is going to hit home and help you realize that he will never change, never take responsibility, and will just keep on drinking and being a moody pain in the butt to live with.
Nothing you did or didn't do, are or aren't, said or didn't say makes one bit of difference.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by thousandwords53
So then is snowballs into he feels he can't do anything right by me, and that I have had a serious attitude lately what's wrong with me. I am just like my mother, and he is so stressed out, and that I ignore the kids too....blah blah blah.
I tried to J.A.D.E of course, because that's what I do..finally I had to say I can't talk about this right now. Cant do it. and I walked away and took a bath to calm down.
But it really hurt that he thinks I am nagging him, that I am so hard to please and that I am turning into my mother. (I love my mother and she has her issues, but I am nothing like her. Being like her is an ultimate insult coming from him as he can't stand her)
I am the most easy going, non demanding wife in the history of marriage. I know this to be the truth, the only "nagging" I have partaken in, would be to stand up for myself or the kiddos if he says something out of line......
I tried to J.A.D.E of course, because that's what I do..finally I had to say I can't talk about this right now. Cant do it. and I walked away and took a bath to calm down.
But it really hurt that he thinks I am nagging him, that I am so hard to please and that I am turning into my mother. (I love my mother and she has her issues, but I am nothing like her. Being like her is an ultimate insult coming from him as he can't stand her)
I am the most easy going, non demanding wife in the history of marriage. I know this to be the truth, the only "nagging" I have partaken in, would be to stand up for myself or the kiddos if he says something out of line......
One day in the midst of my anger I realized that every other person in my life said the exact & total opposite - WHY was I giving his narrow opinion SO much weight???? Talk about a real AHA moment - why was 100 other people literally telling me the opposite to my face (not passively, not via 2nd hand info) not enough?
Why was I accepting HIS false definition of me?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thousandwords...I notice how sensitive you are to his criticisms. I can see that you want him to be respectful and think highly of you. That you desire co-operation and fair treatment of you (and, the kids, too).
The alcoholic lives in their own "bubble" that is DOMINATED by the compulsion to drink...and protecting their disease and the ability to drink..and, to avoid the consequences of the drinking.....There is room for little else...
They make themselves feel better by putting others down. They place blame on others to take the spotlight off of themselves (and their drinking).....
They know your tender points...your buttons...and, they know exactly what to do or say to cause the most pain.
This keeps you off balanced and spinning....
He seems to have hit his mark...because it has you very distressed...
His behavior is working for HIM....He gets to blame you for everything and it brings you to your (emotional) knees.
Your self esteem seems small and wilted under his waves of insensitive and cruel assaults....and, I imagine that the kids feel like walking on eggshells....
It is soo hard to not be beaten down while living in this atmosphere all the time.....
I am glad that you have started to place some boundaries and to defend the kids when they need it.....
The thing is...as long as he is drinking and you are still around...I don't see him as likely to change....
Alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse, over time, than it already is....
Have you given any thought as to how long you are going to live l ike this?
You were created to be able to thrive, in this l ife...not to just exist......
The alcoholic lives in their own "bubble" that is DOMINATED by the compulsion to drink...and protecting their disease and the ability to drink..and, to avoid the consequences of the drinking.....There is room for little else...
They make themselves feel better by putting others down. They place blame on others to take the spotlight off of themselves (and their drinking).....
They know your tender points...your buttons...and, they know exactly what to do or say to cause the most pain.
This keeps you off balanced and spinning....
He seems to have hit his mark...because it has you very distressed...
His behavior is working for HIM....He gets to blame you for everything and it brings you to your (emotional) knees.
Your self esteem seems small and wilted under his waves of insensitive and cruel assaults....and, I imagine that the kids feel like walking on eggshells....
It is soo hard to not be beaten down while living in this atmosphere all the time.....
I am glad that you have started to place some boundaries and to defend the kids when they need it.....
The thing is...as long as he is drinking and you are still around...I don't see him as likely to change....
Alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse, over time, than it already is....
Have you given any thought as to how long you are going to live l ike this?
You were created to be able to thrive, in this l ife...not to just exist......
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
He really makes life harder than it needs to be
Ok, I'm going to be blunt here if I may. YOU are allowing him to make YOUR life harder than it needs to be. He just wants to drink.
I do not want for you to think for one second that I am being condescending here because I am not but have you thought about the effect his tirades are having on your children? Jeez Louise... Nice way to ruin what should have been a family holiday outing. It's obvious that to him you are just a nagging, undermining wife... Yada Yada yada. Again, he just wants a drink. Is this what you want?
Big hug to you, I know it's frustrating but only you have the power to change things, he's happy with the status quo.
Ok, I'm going to be blunt here if I may. YOU are allowing him to make YOUR life harder than it needs to be. He just wants to drink.
I do not want for you to think for one second that I am being condescending here because I am not but have you thought about the effect his tirades are having on your children? Jeez Louise... Nice way to ruin what should have been a family holiday outing. It's obvious that to him you are just a nagging, undermining wife... Yada Yada yada. Again, he just wants a drink. Is this what you want?
Big hug to you, I know it's frustrating but only you have the power to change things, he's happy with the status quo.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by FireSprite
I could have written this exactly - I was struck dumb & then beyond angry with this type of gaslighting/manipulation from then-AH.
One day in the midst of my anger I realized that every other person in my life said the exact & total opposite - WHY was I giving his narrow opinion SO much weight???? Talk about a real AHA moment - why was 100 other people literally telling me the opposite to my face (not passively, not via 2nd hand info) not enough?
Why was I accepting HIS false definition of me?
One day in the midst of my anger I realized that every other person in my life said the exact & total opposite - WHY was I giving his narrow opinion SO much weight???? Talk about a real AHA moment - why was 100 other people literally telling me the opposite to my face (not passively, not via 2nd hand info) not enough?
Why was I accepting HIS false definition of me?
YES. I receive so much encouragement, support and kindness from everyone else in my life. And I mean everyone. He is the only one who's opinion of me is this low...(that being said his opinion of me can also be so very high..when things are going his way and for superficial reasons.) I think maybe he gets more weight in his opinion, is because he is the one that is "closest" to me? We are married, and love together etc.
I need to break away from his opinion mattering so damn much.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by dandylion
thousandwords...I notice how sensitive you are to his criticisms. I can see that you want him to be respectful and think highly of you. That you desire co-operation and fair treatment of you (and, the kids, too).
The alcoholic lives in their own "bubble" that is DOMINATED by the compulsion to drink...and protecting their disease and the ability to drink..and, to avoid the consequences of the drinking.....There is room for little else...
They make themselves feel better by putting others down. They place blame on others to take the spotlight off of themselves (and their drinking).....
They know your tender points...your buttons...and, they know exactly what to do or say to cause the most pain.
This keeps you off balanced and spinning....
He seems to have hit his mark...because it has you very distressed...
His behavior is working for HIM....He gets to blame you for everything and it brings you to your (emotional) knees.
Your self esteem seems small and wilted under his waves of insensitive and cruel assaults....and, I imagine that the kids feel like walking on eggshells....
It is soo hard to not be beaten down while living in this atmosphere all the time.....
I am glad that you have started to place some boundaries and to defend the kids when they need it.....
The thing is...as long as he is drinking and you are still around...I don't see him as likely to change....
Alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse, over time, than it already is....
Have you given any thought as to how long you are going to live l ike this?
You were created to be able to thrive, in this l ife...not to just exist......
The alcoholic lives in their own "bubble" that is DOMINATED by the compulsion to drink...and protecting their disease and the ability to drink..and, to avoid the consequences of the drinking.....There is room for little else...
They make themselves feel better by putting others down. They place blame on others to take the spotlight off of themselves (and their drinking).....
They know your tender points...your buttons...and, they know exactly what to do or say to cause the most pain.
This keeps you off balanced and spinning....
He seems to have hit his mark...because it has you very distressed...
His behavior is working for HIM....He gets to blame you for everything and it brings you to your (emotional) knees.
Your self esteem seems small and wilted under his waves of insensitive and cruel assaults....and, I imagine that the kids feel like walking on eggshells....
It is soo hard to not be beaten down while living in this atmosphere all the time.....
I am glad that you have started to place some boundaries and to defend the kids when they need it.....
The thing is...as long as he is drinking and you are still around...I don't see him as likely to change....
Alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse, over time, than it already is....
Have you given any thought as to how long you are going to live l ike this?
You were created to be able to thrive, in this l ife...not to just exist......
I have given myself a rough timeline of 4-6 months. This is fluid and longer than I would like, but I do have certain financial and legal things to square away, so I do not set myself up for failure, like last time. I need to do this right. I am so looking forward to freeing my kids and I from this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Lilro
He really makes life harder than it needs to be
Ok, I'm going to be blunt here if I may. YOU are allowing him to make YOUR life harder than it needs to be. He just wants to drink.
I do not want for you to think for one second that I am being condescending here because I am not but have you thought about the effect his tirades are having on your children? Jeez Louise... Nice way to ruin what should have been a family holiday outing. It's obvious that to him you are just a nagging, undermining wife... Yada Yada yada. Again, he just wants a drink. Is this what you want?
Big hug to you, I know it's frustrating but only you have the power to change things, he's happy with the status quo.
Ok, I'm going to be blunt here if I may. YOU are allowing him to make YOUR life harder than it needs to be. He just wants to drink.
I do not want for you to think for one second that I am being condescending here because I am not but have you thought about the effect his tirades are having on your children? Jeez Louise... Nice way to ruin what should have been a family holiday outing. It's obvious that to him you are just a nagging, undermining wife... Yada Yada yada. Again, he just wants a drink. Is this what you want?
Big hug to you, I know it's frustrating but only you have the power to change things, he's happy with the status quo.
I know you weren't being condescending. Everyone here on SR is so awesome, I know I can count on you all for honest input and advice.
I can rely on internet community to tell me the truth more than my spouse. Thank you guys.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by dandylion
thousandwords...do you know all of the sources of practical help that can make this process easier for you......?
What kind of help do you need?
specifically.....
What kind of help do you need?
specifically.....
I have zero savings.
My car runs, but would like something more reliable and appropriate for 3 kids. In the interim I am trying to find options. This sound materialistic, but it really is necessary.
I am trying to declutter and get rid of anything we don't need, in case we have to or decide to move.
I need to get set in motion applying for state assistance for food/childcare as my income is small and AH was uncooperative to say the least in paying child support before, there was lag time before and my small savings carried us through.
Basically, financial. and a housing backup plan.
Legal: I work in an office that will help me with this.
Medical: Jan 1st we will finally have insurance for the kids for the first time this year and I will get dental after many years without. I would like to get us all caught up while able. Not sure what will happen after/during divorce.
Mental/Emotional : Need to hulk out a bit more. Quit being so nice. Seeing my counselor in T minus 3 days will help empower me.
DS- 9
DD#1 -5
DD#2 - also 5
Thank you for making me think through this, Dandy.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thousandwords....I don't know if I mentioned this to you before....
There is a website that is very educational about divorce. It is arranged by state...
It covers about every area of divorce....and, gives lists of resources...
You might want to check it out....
Knowledge is power.....
I think it ;might bring you some comfort....
Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from WomansDivorce.com
There is a website that is very educational about divorce. It is arranged by state...
It covers about every area of divorce....and, gives lists of resources...
You might want to check it out....
Knowledge is power.....
I think it ;might bring you some comfort....
Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from WomansDivorce.com
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
