TheBob1

Well thank you, but my BS alarm is going off full-tilt. ALERT! ALERT!

Just to get another load off my chest here (and then announce that I had "the talk" with dear ol' wifey this morning about treatment)...

A) I didn't do this to my family and am not responsible for the actions of others, B) My "inaction" is to blame for someone else's deceptive and sick behavior? Are you f'ing kidding me?!? Yeah, you and I may regret not kicking a budding alcoholic's ass sooner once we are in treatment or recovery, but please do not confuse regrets and "shoulda-coulda-wouldas" with with "being responsible", C) I forced no one's hand to drink or lie (pls. refer back to 'A'). D) Your logic is like saying a trusting, sweet, old lady is to blame if she is scammed out of her life savings by a scumbag con artist, or a person whose car gets stoen is to blame because they did not lock and set alarms before they went into a store (its the con artist and thieve's faults respectively, in case the logic of this one was a challenge for you, E) There was a time I completely TRUSTED and fully loved my wife - you know, big reasons we got married - and I had no reason whatsoever to distrust her. You probably think my naivete or trust or leaving my guard down around those I love and trust in my own home and family equate to "being responsible" for the lies and deception too, right? The full crux of the "problem" was never realized till only recently - - hindsight is 20/20 my friend and you have excellent rear-view perception here, and F) Well, f just stands for f...

Peace

TheBob1

***UPDATE***

Couldn't take it anymore, so I breached the topic as best I could under the circumstances this morning. I took all the punches (figurative), the blame, the "your a hypocrite", and all other things I won't bore the experienced folks here who would simply say "yeah, nothing new...". Despite all that, we at least have a little bit of mutual understanding on the matter and she has agreed to see someone at an "intensive outpatient facility" locally. Its a step and its what I got for now.

I'm going to "celebrate" and mow the grass then do some chores (woohoo, life is fun!) and try NOT think about this for a few hours...

firebolt

That's great, Bob - I am SO glad she agreed to some treatment.

My only advice is to be supportive of her without hurting YOU, keep your expectations (silently) low (to protect yourself), be open and honest with your kiddo, and be ever so good to yourself!

SeriousKarma

That's great Bob. Now that your wife is going to be getting treatment, I guess you and she will soon be making your son aware what's going on. That's fantastic! What are you and he going to do now, to help yourselves deal with this "family disease"?

TheBob1

Wow, 'you people' don't give a guy a millisecond till "what's next?", do you?

SHEESH!

Yes, that is the next step - but we'll make sure she is fully on board first and will surely have some advice to follow from the intake folks - if this looks to be the place/program that will in fact help us take the first step toward "recovery". Telling "the offspring" is not the here and now (no "you have to do it NOW's", thank you in advance)... Of course it will have to be part of the plan, but we have only just begun (no, please no, don't start singing that song!).

As people here damn sure ought to know, we must take...

SAY IT WITH ME NOW... EVERYBODY!

ONE
STEP
AT
A
TIME

SparkleKitty

Bob, there's an Al-Anon saying that can make navigating these boards a lot less aggravating for you -- "Take what you want, and leave the rest."

hopeful4

Bob, I am glad she is going to go to any treatment. That's a good step. Was she receptive into understanding she has a problem at all? I agree that it's one step at a time, and today you made a step. That's a good thing.

Sending you lots of support during this time!

dandylion

I also echo Sparklekitty: "Take what you need and Leave the rest".

(there is a reason that this has become a classic piece of advice in these here parts...lol!)

dandylion

SeriousKarma

Absolutely, Bob should go at his own pace, in the direction he sees fit. Still, I can't help but be made to feel very uncomfortable with the fact that there's a young man living in a house with an alcoholic mother, and a father who deeply, and very articulately, dislikes her.

I've been around far too long to think any of this can be kept a secret from him. So, although I think it's great that change is happening, I still feel as though a cast is being put on the broken bone, but nothing has being done to stop the bleeding.

Keep in mind. I too am the parent of an only child. I know how intense that relationship can be, and how devastating it is to the child when both of it's parents are often checked out either because of drink, or worry.

I won't tell Bob what to do, but I will say this: I started actively addressing this issue with my daughter when she was 12, and started her in Alanon/Alateen when she was 14. This is a subject we talk about a lot, and she firmly believes that facing this demon head on has saved her in countless ways.

Just my two cents. Take it or leave it.

daydreamer0217

yes Serious Karma, absolutely. I agree.

way to go Bob, that is awesome. I have a quick ? for you Bob? if your son came to you for advice and was in your position, what would you say to him?

LexieCat

I have to say that I agree--everybody needs to get on the same page with this (or at least those who aren't currently under the influence). I wouldn't expect a 14 y/o to say much other than, "WhatEVS." And that's OK. He doesn't have any responsibility toward either parent, but he does deserve to know what's going on, even if it embarrasses him, distresses him, annoys him, or whatever. It doesn't have to be a huge announcement or anything, but he deserves to know that his mom has an issue with drinking, that she has agreed to seek help to deal with it, that both parents have been under a certain amount of stress over it, that both parents love him, and that he can talk with either of you about any questions or concerns he has. I know you don't trust your wife to be truthful with him, and maybe she won't be. He'll catch on to that. But you can be as honest and open with him as you can (avoiding issues that are strictly between you and your wife), and that will go a long way toward building long-term trust.

No, you don't need to do it tonight, or tomorrow, but I'd certainly recommend having a chat with him before she starts treatment or as close to that as possible.

And I also agree that keeping expectations LOW is probably a good idea. We can certainly hope she gets sober and stays that way, but many people don't--not on the first try, anyway. As they say, more will be revealed. And even if she doesn't stick with it this time, it may plant a seed that will grow later. Whether you stay with her or not, your son will benefit from having a sober mom in his life.

Refiner

Hey Bob... So you "went there" and are still in one piece?? Congrats LOL! I really truly hope she's not just pacifying you and does want to get help. Now that you're turning a corner, perhaps starting a new thread would be wise so others may learn from your journey. This is Chapter One. Here comes Chapter Two!

totallytrying

I think Bob is getting held to a really high standard. There was a poster here named Hammer who used to post here who had an intense and obvious disdain for HIS wife and who kept his kids in harm's way (sort of made a joke of her issues with them), but he was held up in this thread as a role model of sorts to follow. Bob has that same frustration, sure, but if others have been allowed years to take action, should we really expect Bob to jump and make all these changes overnight? I do agree he could use some additional help---Al-Anon, counseling, something---but I believe he is pursuing or at least considering those things.

One step at a time Bob. Hang in there, consider your options and keep moving forward.

Seren

Bob...I don't know. I think for only having been a member for 30 days, never having really thought much or talked much about your home life and your wife's drinking before...

...You're doing OK.

I don't think anyone is saying that you have been responsible for your wife's behavior. What she does and says is entirely her responsibility. I know that one of the hardest struggles for me was the fact that I played a role, too.

How? I allowed myself to remain exposed to the daily crazies that are part of active addiction. I made the choice, every day, to expose myself to the lies, the verbal abuse, and attempts at manipulation and the name-calling that comes with my stepson's active use.

I had a choice to stop, to walk away, to not allow myself to be part of disease any longer. And I did stop...it is just that easy, and just that hard.

Hang in there, Bob. Things can get better if you really want them to, and it starts with you.

Refiner

Idk... I thought Hammer had learned how to detach from his wife's abuse and addiction and stayed in it to protect his children? Although I do know that is not a long term solution. Perhaps that's why we don't hear from Hammer anymore (God, I hope something awful hasn't happened and do wish he'd check in).

TheBob1

Amen.

TheBob1

I'd look him square in the eyes and with 100% confidence and certainty, tell him this:

"Son, I sure am glad this is YOUR problem, not mine!!!" (LOL!)

But seriously, knowing myself as I am and only being able to advise from my own perspective and knowing that I cannot possibly know all that is in his heart, if he insisted on getting advice if he had gotten to the point where I am (God forbid), I would tell him to do exactly what I am doing.

Its an interesting mind-bender to ponder, but in reality, its all academic because it is impossible to replicate my situation such that all options would remain the same. The root problem may not be at all unique, but our situation is 100%, completely, absolutely, and indisputably unique of any other. They all are. Similarities, of course. The same, never.

Real answer: I would offer my love and support ... and condolences that he has found himself in such a predicament, seeming to be between a rock and a hard place.

Isn't this why we give all that advice our kids never listen to... To try and help them avoid getting into the binds WE did? Boy-oh-boy, if only they truly understood this, they would diligently be taking notes at our every word!

When my son criticizes me about something in my life or I tell him about something stupid I did when younger, I love to point out that I am sure HE would never make the mistakes I did that landed me in such a sad state, but I also note that he is free not to heed my advice and fully enjoy the fruits of poor judgment just as we all did to some degree or another growing up. I think he gets the point - - maybe sometimes??

I would finally add, as my Dad once told me, "Never get married and raise your kids the same way". He got a rise out of my Mom with that one - LOL! Must be why he only said it once. And much to their chagrin, being the studious, attentive teen that I was , I remembered and recited it once in a while Some wisdom to pass along to my son!!

TheBob1

Good idea.

Maybe Ch 2 can begin with,"Today we went to the rehab center...".

Yes, she knows she needs it. (Not easy to admit - pride, vanity, dignity, etc...). She is a mess inside and seems ready to get out from under it all.

I think my renewed energy and zeal for life, getting out of our "winter funk", and feeling more clear and spry with the health program I am following, losing weight with exemplary willpower and sticktoitiveness (if I may say so myself), and starting a new hobby/adventure with our son, have combined to be a compelling example of hope in the midst of seeming hopelessness. Our marriage is a disaster. She is a mess and has been praying for some form of help.

Maybe this is her answer.

SeriousKarma

If my daughter came to me for advice on this issue I would say:

Double down on working your own program of recovery, and make sure you respect the observations of a good therapist, sponsor, or trusted loved ones. Don't let your physical health slide, because that can add to depression. Don't isolate yourself. Surround yourself with supportive people that know and understand what you're going through. And never doubt how much I love you.

hopeful4

Bob, admitting you have a problem is step one. If she truly sees that and wants to do something about it, then there you go. It truly is one teeny step at a time. I think everyone here wants to protect you and your son, and on a forum such as this, sometimes it comes across as harsh or pushy when meant from the heart.

I am so glad you are doing things for you, and your son. I hope your wife embraces recovery and will pray for you and your family that happens. In the mean time, continue taking care of you and your fine boy!!!

XXX