TheBob1

jjj111

Bob, it sounds like you are getting a little taste of why boundaries are much easier to enforce than rules. Remember: rules are attempts to control other people, boundaries are designed to control what YOU are willing to do. You have tried to make it clear that you expect your wife to go to an intensive outpatient program. You have given her the materials. You have tried, in essence, to make a rule for her: she is EXPECTED to go to IOP. But she isn't following your rule! And now what? The thing is, she's a grown woman, and if she wants to drag her feet, she will, and short of physically forcing her, you can't make her seek treatment. Now if you were to set a boundary about what you are willing to put up with and what you are willing to do to protect yourself, that could be enforced. It could be something as ambitious as "I will not live with an alcoholic who refuses to seek treatment", or something as simple as "I will not pick up/pay for alcohol or pain prescriptions for an addict", or "I will not speak to someone who is intoxicated", etc. Anyway, it sounds like you're still determined to try to enforce this rule of yours. But if you see that experiment through and you find that you aren't able to force her into treatment and trick her into quitting drinking, then maybe you'll be ready to think about what healthy boundaries would look like for you.

suki44883

She doesn't have to follow your rules. You aren't her father. She has every right to drink if she wants to. You only get to control what YOU do, not what SHE does.

firebolt

Glad you are finding some gratitude in a tough situation at home. Keep taking care of yourself Bob - hoping the best for your family!!

Refiner

Hey Bob, been thinking about you! Glad you posted. I think I caught that your boy apologized for something but you don't think it was genuine? Was that it? I couldn't quite tell. And yeah <<<sigh>>> the clock keeps ticking with inaction from your wife, I get it. Is she refraining from drinking? Is she chilling out a bit more with you on the attitude front?

redatlanta

Hey I was thinking about you this morning! Diving sounds fun haven't done it in years.

ihatealcohol80

Wow. Your wife seems very dangerous. My fiance is only about 130 pounds but has stuck her finger in my face also. I fear the police still favor the women in domestic violence. She has also threw a beer bottle in the neighbors driveway when they were having a birthday party. Just know you are not alone.

hopeful4

Bob...it's so good to hear from you! I get how hard it is to see the cup half full. Don't have such high expectations of yourself, your family is going through a hard time, it's ok to not be Mr.Happy all the time. Also keep in mind, all teenagers want to hang with their friends and that is the center of their universe. The parents come second, or third, or last LOL. Look at quality versus quantity.

Hugs to you! XXX

TheBob1

Hi and thanks... Yeah, wife was a little more "even keeled" for a while but blew up at me today b/c she didn't like my mood or tone the last couple of days... whatever.

In response to you and folks the conversation here in general:

Some ugly words passed btw wife and me just a few moments ago. To address this and another post (jjj), a new 'boundary' (sounds like a 'rule' to me, but I get the distinction being made for purposes here) - She is NOT to confront me with anger and ******** accusations IN FRONT OF OUR SON. I can reword later, but nothing sets me off more than this behavior. Problem is, when a boundary such as this is crossed, then what? Call the border patrol? (Okay, sorry for sarcasm, but honestly, what...please WHAT!?!). Leave her here with my son to pollute his soul more?

Agh - - - the woman is like a child and needs a "father" (or something/someone) to tell her what to do, even if that's an absurd notion in reality....

Gotta run - back in a while - thanks for the posts folks - - - will return in a few hours.

TheBob1

Yeah - working on THAT one here (see my last comment). I can't control if she drinks and says and does stupid things, but I can control what I do in response to it, be it ask her to leave, pile the plastic liquor bottles in the drive and have a bonfire, etc... In other words, I can only choose how to respond and what actions I take - right? ;-)

dandylion

Bob......just briefly----when she brings up inppropriate things i n front of the child----quietly say that if she wants to talk about that , now---lets go down by the barn or over by the crick (creek, in some places).
If she keeps talking and ignores you---remove yourself from the room or general area. (above all, keep your cool).
I'm sure that you get the idea, here.....

Ever heard of the Horsemen of the Apocolypse? If not, this would be the perfect time to google it.... (under psychology...not religion).
I think that the horsemen probably spend a good bit of time around your house....? lol!
Yes, do look it up....it will only take about 10 minutes to acquaint yourself with it......

dandylion

TheBob1

Good advice on leaving; But its so hard when she is ragging on me and making me out to be the bad guy to my son - - and worse yet, he buys into it (or HAS bought into it before - don't know if he still does, but I think he might). Don't know why I bought into the drama this time - think I was caught off guard as the outburst was quite unexpected. God almighty I feel like I will explode when she does this in front of our son!!!

Okay, with that out of the way for now...

No idea about the horsemen as regards psych - - will go look it up and maybe get my mind off that ****** doll of my wife I've been planning ;-)

TheBob1

Seriously? A moderator or program censored the word voo---? I had no idea it was a "bad" word, but hey, the world is full of surprises

AnvilheadII

worse yet, he buys into it (or HAS bought into it before - don't know if he still does, but I think he might).

he's not buying into anything, he is a child trying to survive in an alcoholic home and doing the best he can. he doesn't have a lot of options. he is not the enemy, he is the victim.

TheBob1

Obsessing over this latest outburst - sorry for all the posts in a row, but...

I need to brag (not the best word for it) that while I was being disparaged in front of my son, I did not lash back with hurtful or equally disparaging words. I did indeed raise my voice in defense of myself and my position which was being falsely portrayed (another false accusation, actually, only this being a petty one about something that was claimed I said but didn't).

Okay, have I painted a nice halo over my head now - lol!

PPS while I am writing: The diving was cool but ended early for me due to various problems finally manifesting in leg cramps. GOOD NEWS: My son, who had a birthday the next day, now has an "open water certification" for scuba diving. Even though he had to be assigned a dive buddy for the last two dives I was unable to make, he soldiered on without me (this was a rigorous course, not to mention quite strenuous on top of being in horrifically intense heat and humidity of last weekend).

I am one proud Dad

PPPS - A word of advice, in the unlikely event anyone has as bad judgment in planning as me: Don't ever go on a diet and lose lots of weight really fast via calorie and carb deprivation, THEN expect to be able to take on physical challenges you are not accustomed to. ***Oops*** Just glad (blessed) I didn't have an accident or serious "health event" from my lack of foresight.

TheBob1

Point well taken (and mostly known already, with all due respect), but if my son thinks 'Dad' is a miserable bastard who is not only a bad guy but responsible for driving his poor Mommy to alcoholism and bad behavior, then yes he is buying into her narrative (or more appropriately worded, "falling for" it).

Not sure where the "enemy" part comes into play here - sure hope I didn't imply he was anything of the sort. You probably haven't read all this thread. Indeed my son is a victim - - a big reason I am here.

SeriousKarma

Bob, In a thread titled "Alcoholic Wife Claims Abuse-Falsely" the only smart thing for you to do is walk away.

Yes, I can understand that you'd be proud that you didn't lash back, but you did engage. You admit that you raised your voice. You engaged. You engaged. You engaged.

You've got a wife that you don't trust. A son that you think is falling for her spin. Just walk away. Say something like "Hmmm, I'll have to consider that." Or "Hmmm, you might be right. I'll get back to you on that." Or "Hmmm, Is that a unicorn running across the lawn? I better go check."

Who really gives a d@mn what she says or thinks? Certainly not you. So walk away. No harm, no foul. Done and done.

And before you say "Well, but she said this and that. And I had to say this and that back to defend myself. I mean gee whiz, my son was watching her trash me." Just think. He can't hear her trash you if...you...just...walk............away.

redatlanta

Bob - You will never control what this woman does. You can't stop her from trashing you. You can't stop her from saying anything in front of your son, or behind your back to your son.

SK is correct your only option here is not to engage. That you can choose to do.

Seems to me so much of your battle here equally is proving to your son that you are not the person his mother makes you out to be, and get her to do something about her problem. I feel very sorry for your child (and you) to live in this environment. Your son is a victim of her alcoholism, but also of your choice to remain married to a person who causes so much drama in both your lives. I doubt this "war" will ever stop if you continue the path to try and control her. "She is NOT to confront me with bull$hit accusations in front of our son" well she did, its nothing new. What are you going to do about it? Nothing. There is nothing you can do but walk out of the room and refuse to participate.

Because you refuse to leave the marriage your options are limited. Leaving is not something you have to do - its something you should be willing to do if your boundaries are crossed beyond what is acceptable. Things you can do while there - you can move into another bedroom (assuming you are still sharing one). You can refuse to engage with her at all except what little you have to. You can refuse to participate in doing anything with her. If she is in the den go to the living room etc. It is possible to live with someone and ignore their presence.

It isn't ideal but it might stimulate some response from her toward addressing her issues. It also may really **** her off initially. Perhaps it is something that you both can end up agreeing on is the best way to live together and get your son out of the line of fire.

Praying

Bob, I'd just like to say that over time, truth will rise in your son's eyes regardless of what he's told. Kids see and know and feel SO MUCH MORE than we even imagine. You don't need to protect him from her words about you, but he can be very hurt for very long by her actions. For him, I'd suggest thinking about what his emotional and relational future will hold, and what actions you can take to give him the best chances at a strong, stable life. Have you read any ACOA literature or posts? I held guilt for a long time that I allowed my sons to live in the unstable environment of their alcoholic father. We've been gone a while now, and they're working through it, but this type of home life is a life-changer for kids. Breaking that pattern is the most important thing we can do. I think in some cases this can be done in the home with the A. It couldn't in mine.

hopeful4

Bob, I think if you just calmly say, "We both know that's not true, so lets drop it," and walk away, you have gotten your point across to your son that: 1. It's not true. 2. That you won't engage with that type of behavior.

My kids don't remember what me and my X fought about, they remember that we yelled at each other and fought in general. It was quite traumatic for them. With counseling I was able to make changes to me and how I would respond, which helped greatly.

Kudos to your son! Sounds like he is making some really great progress in diving. That is super cool!

I hope you are able to have a good day today!