Alcoholic Wife Claims Abuse - Falsely

Old 06-11-2015, 06:45 AM
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Bob, mine just told a cop I kicked her last night. Unbelievable! I may be doing 5 yrs.
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Old 06-11-2015, 06:51 AM
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Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement and looking forward. Fingers crossed, prayers raised, karma working ...

I (we, really) probably went further than I needed, but she wanted to talk and we had precious alone time for the whole night so we did...

Addressed some issues that were likely part of her behavior while 'UTI' that I have never gotten past and my position on them are the reason for the bitterness that comes across here towards her. Its not the addiction at all, its what has happened and been said to damage my precious relationship with my son. Things can't be unsaid or unseen or unheard. Its like a shot fired; The bullet cannot be stopped or redirected once the trigger has been pulled.

Those are things I'll have to decide if I can live with - as they have been issues in my heart for a few years (one of them has. The other was the "abuse" claim that brought me here in desperation). I addressed that too last night. Again, probably said too much (who ME?).

She conceded almost right off that,"Okay, you didn't attack me - at least not physically...". Well, we still disagreed, b/c she had it in her head I came into the room with rage in my eyes and heart. So a look in one;s eyes and presumed feelings constitute "attack" now? Well, we differed on that one and she said nothing when I told her what that must've done to our son who surely believed Mom that Dad "attacks" her when not in his presence. Short of a sincere announcement of her lying or "misspeaking" to our son in my presence, I will not forgive or forget that or the older one (the latter is too long a story).

I indicated that she really blew it with the abuse claim and that this "set some things into motion" (no details). She asked what but I just maintained that she really stepped in it and she needn't know more than that.

WHY DID YOU SAY ALL THAT BOB? I hear some saying...

Maybe she will reflect on these things and realize just how bad its been while she has been checked out (and in once in a while).

Lastly, she said she "checked back in" (my term for stopped drinking) a couple weeks back. It was fairly obvious she had cut back or stopped. She said she went back b/c I/we slapped her back to the bottle. She "returned" to our lives with irritability and intensity and bossiness that was ridiculous. Of course we did not embrace that, so our reaction offer her - in her mind - a reason to just withdraw back to her fog. I said that if she had told us (or at least me) what was going on, it might have been easier to accept her brashness as a temporary symptom and I could have addressed it with her in private (Honey, you need to REALY tone it down! I know you are struggling now, but...).

Well, so there is even MORE background and detail on last night. I need to go study for my new hobby's class tonight... and finish mowing the grass where the mower was left in the middle of the lawn - lol!

Bye.
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Old 06-11-2015, 10:43 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Bob, admitting you have a problem is step one. If she truly sees that and wants to do something about it, then there you go. It truly is one teeny step at a time. I think everyone here wants to protect you and your son, and on a forum such as this, sometimes it comes across as harsh or pushy when meant from the heart.

I am so glad you are doing things for you, and your son. I hope your wife embraces recovery and will pray for you and your family that happens. In the mean time, continue taking care of you and your fine boy!!!

XXX
Thank you Hopeful4, from the bottom of my heart

And all those who have also offered words of encouragement and prompting; Please pardon if I got too snippy when I felt pushed too hard. Just getting to 'step one' has been (and still is) a big deal, a big step. I do understand and feel your good intentions and am hugely grateful, even if I might bark back a little. I'm sure you remember being "back in the day..."
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Old 06-11-2015, 10:47 AM
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Originally Posted by anattaboy View Post
Bob, mine just told a cop I kicked her last night. Unbelievable! I may be doing 5 yrs.
OMG - I hope you won't, assuming you didn't do what she is charging. I have no idea if she is any good, but there is a woman online who councils falsely-acussed men - I think its something like shrink for men or some such title.

Sad our society is set up that under some circumstances all one has to do is make an accusation and the accused is treated like they are guilty - even though we live in an "innocent until proven guilty" system.

This must be terribly difficult. Good luck - thoughts and prayers with you. Just remember the truth WILL set you free, even if not right away.
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Old 06-11-2015, 12:12 PM
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Hoping the best for your fam, Bob!
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Old 06-12-2015, 05:01 PM
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For anyone still, following along, I wonder if someone wants to chime in on how to break the stall tactics? So its been a couple days and she hasn't looked at the literature from the org. that was suggested to me and from me to her. AT least she was open about not being terribly motivated to do it - she knows it will be hard. I've got her being cooperative and more open about this, so I'm not going into "You had better do this, or else!" mode yet.

I actually chuckled and just said, "Yeah, I know what you mean", but did add as gently as I could that "Its been long enough already", so it needed to be put in the front burner now.

I'll just stay on it and keep channels open. I suppose I am feeling a bit off kilter not seeing any posts here for a whole day or two. Much like AA and Alanon mtgs get to be for many folks, this has become a place of outlet and strength for me. (Oh yeah, meetings - - I MUST get on that, regardless of my summer schedule and the umpteen other important things on my 20-foot long to-do list...
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Old 06-12-2015, 05:24 PM
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Oh yeah (or, P.S.) -

I'm waiting for some words of wisdom from the intake person WHEN we have our meeting to hear some in-person advice on talking to family about "the issue". I suspect plenty here would (or have already) voiced opinions on this, but I am now sitting on pins and needles as regards breaking news to our son. Yeah, mabe he knows something, but I honestly don't think he knows "Mom has a problem". Hell, he has grown up with this (again, frog in slowly warming pot of water applies) , so he probably thinks this kind of dysfunction is normal. Okay, counting to 100 to calm the anger....

Now, he wonlt talk to me about it and I think Lexie nailed it: He probably wants NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with this - including even having knowledge of it. As someone posted ages ago, contrary to some of the more vocal people here, parental/grown-up issues needn't screw up the kids' lives. Now calm down (you know who (collective) you are!), I grew up in a similar way and can't really say one way or another if it was "right". I do know there was always a mystique about what parents said in private, but I can assure you as a kid I preferred that over having to participate and shoulder the angst of adult issues when puberty was more than enough already.

I know a few here will vehemently disagree b/c their own lives were or are different, but knowing my son (and myself - yes, he has a lot of me in him), I do not see him as one to have any desire to vent openly about these things. Maybe doing so would relieve a lot of pressure, of maybe it would just stir a pot that didn't need stirring.

Regardless of all that, I'll agree he needs to know - he will HAVE to know Mom is going away several hours a week; Well, that and this program has a weekly family night and I believe close members are strongly encouraged to participate, i.e. - tell the people in your home and maybe other close relatives.

But I'm getting ahead as I always do. First things first . . .

I've decided, if the powers that be (webmaster/director.moderator?) will allow it and it does not drag on, I would like to start "Chapter Two" when we get in the door of the facility - -or maybe even when we have a meeting time scheduled.

Happy Friday! Happy weekend!

I'm going to a family-oriented shooting event (yep, seriously!) and the next step in getting certified as a 'diver' A little self-improvement and distraction goes a LONG way, I have come (again, finally) to realize.

Hope this finds everyone who has followed and supported me this past month also doing something nice.
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Old 06-12-2015, 05:56 PM
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I am waiting for the banana bread to cook and lounging on the couch. Looks like it may rain. Hot bath awaits......

Ok so as for you....my advice is to hang tight. Bob, you really need to see if your wife really has any desire to get help. The pamphlets are there and you had a discussion. You can force things along I suppose, she may even go if she doesn't want to. I don't believe forcing anyone to do anything works. I'm not sure your wife was truthful with you when she told you she would get help. Could have been lip service. Will have to wait and see.

I see no reason to say a word to your son until you know if she is going to go.

What was your boundary if she didn't go or was that discussed?
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Old 06-12-2015, 05:59 PM
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Thx for checking back in, Bob. So is she dragging her feet? I couldn't tell from your post. I think you're putting too much stock in baby stepping around your son's feelings, too. Perhaps at this stage of his life he would like to be talked with like "a man" and you not try to hide Mommy's little dark secrets anymore from him?
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Old 06-12-2015, 07:38 PM
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Yeah, I get it, my family was sort of like that, too. Not real big on sharing "feelings"--I think it's the Nordic culture, kinda stoic, nobody yells, cries, or hugs.

I think I'd make it short and sweet. Here's the deal, here's what's happening. I think it's important to convey that alcoholism isn't something anyone chooses, that nobody knows why some people are susceptible and other people aren't. You might mention that there's a possible genetic component, so it's important for him to pay attention to his own reactions to alcohol when he is old enough to drink. You can tell him that nobody expects him to do anything special, but that he is welcome to ask questions or to talk with other kids whose parents or brothers or sisters have had problems with addiction, and you can help him find a group if he ever feels like he wants to talk about any of it. You might also give him a heads-up that quitting drinking is very hard for an alcoholic, so not to be surprised if mom seems a little weird for a while.

I think my kids (who are now almost 27 and 29) still think AA is a little bit "weird," but my older son happened to be visiting when I got my 5-year coin, and he went to the meeting with me. It meant a lot to me. Their dad has been sober since before we got married. My older son has a friend who is a chronic relapser, and my ex has been working with him, and my son is grateful for his help. So to them, it's no big deal, but having seen how destructive drugs and alcohol have been for some of their friends, I think they've come to appreciate the value of recovery.
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Old 06-12-2015, 08:06 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Yeah, I get it, my family was sort of like that, too. Not real big on sharing "feelings"--I think it's the Nordic culture, kinda stoic, nobody yells, cries, or hugs.

I think I'd make it short and sweet. Here's the deal, here's what's happening. I think it's important to convey that alcoholism isn't something anyone chooses, that nobody knows why some people are susceptible and other people aren't. You might mention that there's a possible genetic component, so it's important for him to pay attention to his own reactions to alcohol when he is old enough to drink. You can tell him that nobody expects him to do anything special, but that he is welcome to ask questions or to talk with other kids whose parents or brothers or sisters have had problems with addiction, and you can help him find a group if he ever feels like he wants to talk about any of it. You might also give him a heads-up that quitting drinking is very hard for an alcoholic, so not to be surprised if mom seems a little weird for a while.
Sounds like the perfect plan. I think this is exactly what he would respond best to and sounds the most "natural" for both of our "sensibilities".

Thanks!
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Old 06-12-2015, 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
I am waiting for the banana bread to cook and lounging on the couch. Looks like it may rain. Hot bath awaits......

Ok so as for you....my advice is to hang tight. Bob, you really need to see if your wife really has any desire to get help. The pamphlets are there and you had a discussion. You can force things along I suppose, she may even go if she doesn't want to. I don't believe forcing anyone to do anything works. I'm not sure your wife was truthful with you when she told you she would get help. Could have been lip service. Will have to wait and see.

I see no reason to say a word to your son until you know if she is going to go.

What was your boundary if she didn't go or was that discussed?
Mmm, can almost smell the bread - enjoy!

Agree not saying anything TILL WE HAVE A COMMITMENT IS GOOD - - for now. If things go downhill, then if ction MUST be taken, he will need to know what's going on.

Didn't do the boundary thing - net yet at least. Thought about it, but believe that is a fall-back plan for now - or for later during treatment maybe. She is a foot-dragger by nature, so this is not necessarily an avoidance tactic and I will continue the gentle-but-firm "reminders", eventually taking it into my own hands and making an appt. (I even have to do this with Dr. appts. once in a great while).

She knows she needs help - with managing pain - and that alcohol is not the way to do it. I think we'll need to work on the quitting part and convincing her just how much the alcohol is messing up her life and our marriage (both being mostly MY fault, of course).

Last edited by TheBob1; 06-12-2015 at 08:23 PM. Reason: Forgot to address one matter.
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Old 06-12-2015, 08:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
Thx for checking back in, Bob. So is she dragging her feet? I couldn't tell from your post. I think you're putting too much stock in baby stepping around your son's feelings, too. Perhaps at this stage of his life he would like to be talked with like "a man" and you not try to hide Mommy's little dark secrets anymore from him?
For some that may be the case, but he is resistant to discussion like this. The secrets will come soon enough, I am sure. Would rather Mom get on board before trying to drag him into it - especially b/c I am all but certain he doesn't want to be!
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Old 06-13-2015, 12:06 AM
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Here is a posting that I have found to be invaluable.......especially, when the subject of going to treatment or not comes up.
"10 ways to tell when an Addict or Alcoholic is full of crap."

In m y opinion, it is just good information to have when one is wondering what is REALLY going on in their loved one's head.

You can find it by going to the "stickies" listed at the top of the main Friends and Family page.
Go to the one titled: "Classic Readings". Scroll down until you find this article.

Let me know if you can't find it. I can help you.

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Old 06-13-2015, 05:01 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Here is a posting that I have found to be invaluable.......especially, when the subject of going to treatment or not comes up.

"10 ways to tell when an Addict or Alcoholic is full of crap."
Great title! After almost 2 decades, I think I could write, "10 ways to tell when your SPOUSE is full of crap", but I'm on it - thanks!

Busy weekend, so I won't push, but we I have mentioned it a couple of times and she has not barked or shot daggers at me with her eyes, that's a good sign.

I don't know if its retaliation for "the kidnapping" last week that really ticked him off or just the age and the fact its summertime, but my son doesn't have a lot to do with me the last week or so - Mom either. Independence and attitude all kicking in right now. Been a LOOONG time since I was 14, so I need to really try hard to be understanding. Maybe need to scroll between SR and "TR" (Teen Recovery)...
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Old 06-13-2015, 05:29 AM
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It's been discussed before so I will just give you a gentle reminder. Kids don't like this kind of sh*t. They just DON"T. Its very uncomfortable. I can remember a spot in my teen years where my there was a lot of tension between my folks and we all picked up on it even though there were no arguments. I wondered if they were getting divorced or what was going on. Its a queazy feeling. I think if they had tried to tell me what their issues were I would have vomited on them. I did not want to know, its above the pay grade of a teen to understand the dynamics of issues in parents marriage.

What I do know (having been one) is kids generally do know a hell of a lot more than we think they do. Perhaps your son has seen the information on the Rehabs. Who knows. I'd just give him his space to be. What will be regarding wife and her treatment will be revealed in the next couple of weeks. At that time you can decide what he needs to know if anything.

I know (LOL) that you most likely will not agree with what I am going to say - but I have to say it. Please allow your wife some control in her life and accountability to handle this situation. If she is unwilling to make an appt to visit one of these centers of her own accord your doing so for her is not helping this situation. I don't care if its her nature to drag her feet. She clearly doesn't drag her feet in making sure there is alcohol in the house. If she can buy a bottle she can also pick up the phone and make an appt. You can not MAKE her get sober.
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Old 06-13-2015, 03:01 PM
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Great advice... thanks. But just not sure about not "forcing" her. You just don't know my wife. Normal person to a degree, but procrastination takes up the most space in her "weird bag". Hell, if she ran outta booze, she might just stop drinking, that is, if she didn't go to the store for groceries - - - and I'm only half-kidding here.

Just deleted a long story - but suffice it to say someone who left a shaving kit here during a visit would have a foot-long beard if they waited for her to return it by mail. I only reminded her 6 or 7 times...

A few nudges may be required here ;-)
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Old 06-13-2015, 03:09 PM
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Oh yeah, one comment...

I think you (redatlanta) were on the spot about full disclosure with my son. I am certain - especially after a couple attempts and seeing more of this new stage of teenism he is in, that he wants to hear about Mom's addiction issues as much as he wants details about his conception: Ears covered and LALALALALAAA!!!
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Old 06-22-2015, 07:37 PM
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Hi Friends,

Just a post that I am still alive, despite fates conspiring to make me wish I weren't at times. Okay, that was way too dramatic, only b/c I haven't had a great day or two and am having trouble seeing the glass half full - which it is - but I am seeing the annoyingly empty half right now. The part of the glass that, although I took my son on a weekend to get us both finished with some rather strenuous and intensive (for a newbie) dive training and although my son went thru it beautifully and is now certified (hurray!), it seems that bonding is just not easy with a 14 year old and old-fart Dad (me) who did not get scuba certified on Father's Day due to some "physical issues", in part due to slow starvation (dieting to get slim over last 6 weeks - too quickly).

Did any of that makes sense?

A lot to be grateful for - and I grew up KNOWING what real gratitude is - maybe it was in my heart already or maybe in my upbringing, but I'm ashamed to admit I seem to have given my son too much of myself and probably more things than I should have over time and now am reaping what I have sewn: A teen who is unhappy if he is not wowed by his birthday gifts. So its turned into a time of the week for a self-pity party while my son has a fun time with his close pal and garbage food and video games... I can only hope he realizes the error of his ways deep in his heart, as I don't think his apology was truly genuine - - but I couldn't bust up his whole day over it, so I finally accepted and hugged....

This has nothing to do with the thread's heading or when my wife is going to get her sorry a-- into a program, but its been a very busy week and I've been away more than home, so there will be more on that as it develops (or doesn't). I think this is the week I take Wifey by the hand and gently drag take her to an appt. Yes, yes, yes, only if she is willing, but she has already conceded the need and desire, so we'll see what happens. And no, no, no I don't expect miracles. I don't think even SHE realizes this process is going to involve STOPPING drinking, not just addressing a problem and "getting it under control" (I suspect that's her current belief, but hey, if she is willing to get help, we can get to the tough stuff once she is "softened up", right?).

Hope any fathers that may read this had a good Father's Day. Bless us all, the eternally-overlooked and under-appreciated! (C'mon ladies, us guys need a time to be recognized as the downtrodden minority too, ya know!)

Grateful to be alive and in semi-okay health, living in a country where opulence, whether abundant or in small things, is found in all but the neediest homes; soldiers don't roam streets and pluck innocent people from there homes, etc. etc. etc. Yeah, the glass is not only half full, it runneth over and yet its not always apparent when the little stuff takes center stage, trying to pose as big stuff and fooling many of us (me, for one) that it actually IS worthy of stress and worry. In the overall realm of things, its not - - - so I'll keep telling myself that when the idiotic things that half the world's population would give a limb or more to have as their biggest worries are troubling me.

See y'all...
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Old 06-22-2015, 07:58 PM
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heey, there.......!

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