redatlanta

Why should she be allowed to maintain a sense of dignity while she tears down my life and the very home she "has the right" to drink in???

Lets change the description. Let's change it from she "has the right". I think you are stuck on that, let's change to "she can". She can continue to drink no matter what her actions do to you or your son. You can lay down as many "rules" as you want. Whether she decides to abide by them is up to her.

I know we all get stuck on the rule thing - and in reality there are "rules". In my home there is no smoking in the house (my rule). The cats are brushed and groomed everyday and litter changed 2x a day (husband's rule). No purchases made over 1k without addressing it with the other (agreed upon rule). These aren't boundaries they are rules. What if one of us breaks "the rule"? What happens? If I only change the littler once a day do I have to sit in time out in the corner? Do I get a spanking? Do I lose my computer privileges for the night?

There is no enforcement I am a grown up. I don't have to listen to his complaints even, I can walk out of the room. I can leave the house. I can stick my fingers in my ears. Let's say I just stopped cleaning litter box (ewwwww gross!). My husband can either start, or he can kiss my a** if that's my attitude. There is nothing he can do to ME other than leave, and find a new place to live cat free.

I prefer to live in peace. I respect my husband and he me. So we abide by the rules. Your wife is an addict so rules don't apply. Its as simple as that. If you asked her is she glad she is destroying the family I feel she would say no, nor would she acknowledge it affects anyone but her. The perspective of most addicts is not to see that anyway because they are too intoxicated, and are too self-absorbed.

Hell no she doesn't "have the right" to tear down your life and home - but it doesn't mean she won't, and it certainly doesn't mean she will stop. She simply can if you let her. That is all.

LexieCat

Well said, red.

hopeful4

Oh Bob, my heart hurts for you. People, let's remember it took many of us years to get where we are now, to have actually taken action. Bob, what everyone is saying is correct, it seems harsh. It seems fast. It is, but so is alcoholism.

She does not have a "right" to destroy your life or your son's life. However, she may do it anyways. That is what everyone is saying. It's not fair, it's actually complete BS the crap that an addict will pull.

I literally made deals with my XAH for YEARS. No drinking at the house. No drinking in front of us. Only one a week. Only two a week. It went on for years, and accomplished nothing. However, I had to come to that realization in time, just as you do.

Further more, this is a long post. Totally fine. If it were too long or inappropriate, the mods would step in. You can come here to vent. You can say the same thing a million different ways, and we will listen. We get it because we did the same.

So many of us just want to save others from going through what we did. That's not always possible, and that's ok too.

We are here to listen, to support you, and to encourage you. No one can tell you to end your marriage, or what to do. Only offer suggestions. There will be some that will make you mad. Ignore it, because for every one of them, there will be many others who offer you support in the ways you need it.

Stay on those waiting lists, those things will help you immensely!

Hugs to you Bob. We are here for you. XXX

TheBob1

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ies/Thanks.gif

Hugs back and super-mega thanks for that - and the other posts on this today or last night (red/lex/et al...)

Frustration here mostly due to time constraints and I am trying to hold fast to the "wait" post from a few days back. If I could just get a time when a) wife is sober, b) son is not around or in earshot, and c) there is time enough to talk!!! Yeah, we need a date-day. I have many things in the works, but the biggest is yet to happen - TALK with my wife and get a baseline between the two of us on where we are (or where each of us thinks we are). I STILL don't know her position on her alcoholism.

She asked me the other day, "What are you typing so furiously about?". "You really want to know?". "Yes."

"I am having dialogue re. 'Alanon' " I told her. Silence. Same reaction to my sending some info on a very well-made website for discreet addiction treatment locally. Crickets. Saw something from her counselor she is filling out about her "life balance" sitting on the coffee table. I did not pick it up, but on the face, not a word about her "habit" - nothing.

Sorry, this was not supposed to be another whining post. back to the point.

Your points were well made, folks; Many many thanks again for more clarification.

PS - Hey RedAtlanta - congrats on managing to change a cat litter box TWICE A DAY (LOL!) When we had cats, were lucky to manage twice a week, thanks to "clumping" litter!!!

Refiner

Bob quick question... Does your wife work for a living bringing income to the family?

TheBob1

Nope - and assets brought into marriage were 99% mine as well. She was working when we met and when got married and for a time (a year or so) after that - till we had a child.

And frankly, since then were able to let her be a "home maker" - the beginning of which period was REALLY rough for us (a close family death (my side), a move, and other major life stressors all a once), she has had excuses not to carry a large portion of the load. She was not even very involved as a Mom and we started counseling b/c of that very issue. Its been pretty much a slow decline ever since (ref. fable of frog in pot being brought to boil e v e r s o s l o w l y ).

redatlanta

Ha Ha Ha, I was a once a day but moved to twice by request. RAH had never lived with cats before and swore to hate them. As I type this two are laying in his lap. So much for never being a cat person!

TheBob1

Honesty, I think now she is just biding her time. A dew years and our son is an adult. What she thinks will happen then, I have no idea.

Interestingly, while she is "growing" in or at least festering in her alcoholism, she is, as some say, "coming to the lord (Christian) and trying to make us all go to church more often. Seems a bit contradictory to me. Regardless, I see no bad coming from following the teachings of JC.

Refiner

Oh good LORD I can't imagine how frustrating this is for you! What an entitled little Princess. She sounds exactly like my A sister and how she grew up entitled and how she expects the High Life still when she's perfectly able (but not willing) to work. And her husband just caters to her. I finally went no contact with her, she's definitely NPD. Our Mother (MY best friend, HER whipping post) died 5 years ago. I finally had no reason to deal with her anymore. Those bridges were burnt beyond recognition. Actually... they were NUKED.

TheBob1

Yeah Refiner, kinda makes me look like a real pansy-ass, doesn't it? Well, it certainly did not start out that way, but.... Back to the frog in the pot of water reference. It was fine - great - at first. Both of us working, taking weekends and vacations together. Striving and thriving. I was well along a path toward "financial independence" of sorts, and eventually left my job to go out on my own. She worked - until we had a child. We agreed (she did plenty of convincing) we wanted our baby to have a Mom, not day care and the like, and there were economic benefits to staying home as well (no need for details). As the water in the proverbial "frog pot" heated up (her now at home not working), it was so slow and gentle (doing less and less for various 'reasons'), I never quite noticed it was getting hot (she was gradually setting up more and more comfort for herself) till it started boiling (pathetic excuse-making, alcoholism, laziness with every excuse under the sun) - and now I (the frog) am about COOKED. But by God, I have not given up by a long stretch! I hate to think this was all by plan, and maybe it was not a "master plan" but just evolved one step at a time, but in hindsight it sure did work out well for her, whether planned or not. The strong, independent, reasonably hard-working woman I met became a soft, excuse-making blob.

Well, maybe TMI, but you opened that can of worms and so I spilled the beans (can I work in any MORE sayings in one place - lol?!?.)

I guess now you might see why and how I am NOT leaving and why I am determined to have her comply or go away. This is MY "little empire" and a lot of it - most of it - I built on LITERALLY blood, sweat and tears - and lots of the latter two!

Now all that being said, I can't put all blame on her. Over the last several years, I have gotten "lazy" while enjoying the fruits of my labors and the "low-effort" income I have set up over a lifetime of working, building, and investing - and of course some decent health and some good enough "luck".

So now you know another part of the story that really is not so much about the addiction or accusations as it is a symptom of them - or maybe even causes (too much time, not enough effort required to stay the course, etc.). And in her defense, she has had a couple surgeries with long, painful lead-ups and long painful recovery times.

Look, it is not as cut and dry as it appears here. A lot of life circumstances have added up, but in the end she has taken some wrong turns and is now lost. Thank God (and I'll take some credit too) I have by no means been anywhere close to perfection, but do feel I have made the best choices I could given my circumstances. My biggest regret is not having seen the heat under the pot turned on and not turning it off before the water got too warm. And now I am cooking in my own broth - - - - - - - - - - so to speak

biminiblue

I hope you are adding in all these pain meds you mentioned she is taking for this "pain." Cross addiction is very dangerous and will accelerate alcoholism. I think the drinking is just the tip of this addiction iceberg, Bob.


Sounds to me like you are in alligators up to your you-know-where. The pain meds are really bad when mixed with alcohol. This is a common progression.

SeriousKarma

Bob, I think it is "cut and dried". You don't love your wife, you want out of the marriage, but you'll take a hit in the pocketbook if you leave.

Is that the case? If it is then let's air it out, deal with it, and get you out of that stupid pot.

redatlanta

I know you love and care about your wife but how much of this is about what you will lose in a divorce? As you mention most of what you have was built on your labor. I'm not going to go totally feminist on you lol but being a SAHM and managing the household is a full time job. Now, she may have delved into her drink early on I don't know that its very clear for a long time she has only been managing other things. Regardless that it was she who pushed for it you did agree to it.

In most states its a 50/50 split. I'm sure you know that. My guess is she will receive alimony. She did work at one time so my guess is she will also have to go back to work and that the alimony would be for a set period of time for her to get back on her feet.

Is this why you stay? Its ok if it is. I don't see that as being any different than many people. Divorce is a financial drain and its certainly hard to hand over hard worked $$$ to the alcoholic.

LexieCat

I know I walked away from a lot I was "entitled" to for the sake of my sanity.

Life with an active alcoholic can be VERY costly, too--look at what has happened to some of the people in this forum. And think about the things that are priceless--your son's future, your own mental health.

Refiner

Wow, Bob. Now I see her full story uncovering. She's willing to throw you under the bus so hard and ruin your entire life (title of this thread) if you even try and rock her Palace. Sounds like she would most likely need to get a job at some point if you were to split - so when you poke the bear, it's going to turn into a rabid, flesh and soul ripping animal to protect at ALL costs. I am so sorry for the predicament she's put you and your son in.

hopeful4

I have taken on tons of debt and my X has not worked since last October, which means $0 child support for me since then. It's all worth it to me to not be married to him anymore.

I don't really think you are saying that you are only staying b/c of the money and assets, but I completely understand it has a huge bearing over your life. Only you can decide.....

TheBob1

You hit the nail on the head Refiner. To all who responded, thank you and your points are well taken, but let me be clear - ITS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY! I can take an alimony hit at this point and be fine with it, but I am not LEAVING my home. And there is a child here that is a (the) primary concern.

I was just thinking this morning about when I will ever find the right time to go straight in and address this matter head-on. There was little time before, and now even less with my son home. But as Refiner so aptly said, when I have even hinted at bringing up the matter, alarms sounds, nuclear arsenals are armed, and The Terminator and Incredible Hulk start activating. Its quite something.

Explaining (not complaining): I have virtually no support system in place - she WAS my support system for the most part once I had lost my longest standing friend and then my mother. I have one semi-close friend - a good guy and family man I have known since 9 years of age - and that's about it. I'm somewhat introverted and friends have been close but few I truly cherished. Having lost my oldest friend and my family being gone, etc etc etc... when I have brought "it" up with my wife, who is both the my confidant and the offender, of course I have been knocked back on my heels and forced to go back to my corner, lick my wounds, and reconvene with myself.

I will be sure to record my "presentation" when its made. As it is obvious here, I am not going at this with anything but a methodical, well thought-out (ahem, yes, over-thought) plan of action. Yeah, it'll all probably fall apart in the first minute or maybe even seconds (surely she is waiting for this), but that's my plan and I'm sticking to it. Because it is such an emotionally charged and long-standing issue that I am tempted to ram down her throat vs. being kind and sweet, I agreed to run past my counselor in writing what I plan to say before I do it - unless a perfect opp. presents itself before next week's "session".

Damn the torpedos - - and the alligators too!!!

(I was divorced once before at a fairly early age (no kids, only a house). I kept assets I brought to marriage and split the home equity 50/50. Could have paid alimony but she didn't ask. Indeed this is a new one entirely and the threats of "abuse" claims are most likely warning shots over the bow of what I should expect if/when I give her the boot.

PS - Trying to encompass all comments in one reply here: Yes, I did agree to the terms, even if they did not work in my favor - agreed. Regrettably, but I do and have acknowledged the fact (just not here as the topic only now was raised - - thanks a lot Refiner! (just kidding - I don't have to oblige any requests for info)).

hopeful4

Bob...just going to mention, going to Alanon or some program meetings would offer you a huge support system from people in your shoes. Not pushing, just mentioning. By choice I did not have a support system with my XAH, because I did not want to tell anyone what was going on. When I started to go to CR (once I got past bawling the first two or three sessions), those people picked me up and changed my life. Just throwing it out there!

Wisconsin

Proceed with caution, Bob. Although Virginia is a "one party" consent state for purposes of recording conversations, the laws can be tricky and have exceptions. You might want to bounce the idea off a lawyer before you proceed, to avoid giving your AW legal ammunition against you.

TheBob1

Good advice - thanks. Of course if no one knows I am recording or I don't use it in a court of law, well then.... no harm no foul ;-)