Alcoholic Wife Claims Abuse - Falsely
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by happybeingme 
I have two younger sisters one who uses food instead of dealing with her feelings... my family is a living example of the wide spread issues that can result from a dysfunctional childhood. While it may be a bit extreme it's also pretty common.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by TheBob1
Speaking of widespread issues resulting from dysfunctional families, I think my son is using 'gaming' and tech devices in general to keep from dealing with his feelings. Wish he could address me directly about family matters but he simply gets angry and clams up whenever I try.
When I was a kid and teen, no way would I talk bad about one parent to the other. It's not even fair for one parent to talk about the other, unless the kid specifically asks a question. Even then, danger, Will Robinson.
Both parents are equally my parents. To be disloyal to one is to deny part of myself. I'm not going to take sides with one against the other.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by LexieCat
There ARE some people who are simply "hard drinkers" but not alcoholics. When they have a good reason to quit or cut down they do. No probs. But alcoholics obsess about alcohol, and find it difficult or impossible to quit once they've started. Most of them will rationalize their drinking as a "lifestyle choice." That's because it's too scary to think about having to admit that their lives have become unmanageable--because that means they might have to QUIT. And think of themselves as ALCOHOLICS--someone who ISN'T NORMAL. All of that is very scary. Or so it seems. Once I admitted the true nature of my problem and accepted my alcoholism, it was a huge burden off me. I had a lot of work to do, but at least I was no longer hiding from the problem or trying to "fight" it.
I am hoping maybe they will impact my wife once we are able to talk about it rationally. Then again, if we are at a point we can do that, maybe she will have already come to this realization???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by biminiblue
He may need someone outside the family - I'm sure he has "issues" with you, too. There are things about your family that you have handled badly according to him.
When I was a kid and teen, no way would I talk bad about one parent to the other. It's not even fair for one parent to talk about the other, unless the kid specifically asks a question. Even then, danger, Will Robinson.
Both parents are equally my parents. To be disloyal to one is to deny part of myself. I'm not going to take sides with one against the other.
When I was a kid and teen, no way would I talk bad about one parent to the other. It's not even fair for one parent to talk about the other, unless the kid specifically asks a question. Even then, danger, Will Robinson.
Both parents are equally my parents. To be disloyal to one is to deny part of myself. I'm not going to take sides with one against the other.
I will no longer try to say, "Mom is this or that...", although in the past it was usually to soften the blow of some harsh things she may have said, e.g. - "Your Mom is feeling stressed (or going thru 'whatever') right now, so try not to take it to heart...". That kind of thing. More recently I did do the, "What Mom said/did was just not right" thing. My bad...
No excuses, but I just don't know how to walk away from something like, "Your father is horrible to me, our family is totally screwed up, this marriage is about over...!", etc. without trying to do SOME sort of damage control. Do I REALLY just leave and let my child simmer in that pot of toxic stew? How can a loving, caring parent not try and do SOMETHING to make that child feel like his world, as he knows it, is not ending -- or gone to hell?
I feel like after words like that have come out, a switch )like mentioned here before) has been flipped and my son is "damaged" forever. He can not UNSEE or UNHEAR these things. How can he not feel hopeless now?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Bob, number one rule for living with A's is you never attempt a confrontation or even a deep conversation with them while they are under the influence. Following this rule will help protect you and your son. If you have something to say, wait until she is sober. I hope I'm correct in saying she'll be much less likely to become violent.
You can avoid interaction with her while she's drunk by staying out of her way where possible and keeping all interactions short and to the point. You could set up a separate living area where you can go when she's drunk. I agree that if she does become hysterical or physical you should record if you can. Practice turning on the recording discreetly. And of course keep a journal.
From your posts I read that you can be provoked into responding in kind (not physical) but it's essential you get a grip on your temper. Think of yourself as a lighthouse with the ocean (AW) beating against it, but making no impact.
Have you attempted to talk to your son? You don't know what she's told him or is alleging against you, and you may be able to reassure him. Do not denigrate your AW to him, apart from mentioning the affect of alcohol on her behaviour.
You can avoid interaction with her while she's drunk by staying out of her way where possible and keeping all interactions short and to the point. You could set up a separate living area where you can go when she's drunk. I agree that if she does become hysterical or physical you should record if you can. Practice turning on the recording discreetly. And of course keep a journal.
From your posts I read that you can be provoked into responding in kind (not physical) but it's essential you get a grip on your temper. Think of yourself as a lighthouse with the ocean (AW) beating against it, but making no impact.
Have you attempted to talk to your son? You don't know what she's told him or is alleging against you, and you may be able to reassure him. Do not denigrate your AW to him, apart from mentioning the affect of alcohol on her behaviour.
I've been going back over these posts while life is a little more normal. Getting all this support has been like drinking from the proverbial fire hose (too much to digest all at once). As always, things are "fine and dandy" since wife's blow-up and "show" in front of our son. She isn't home much of the day as am I, and since 5:00 and beyond is 'happy hour', there isn't much time to engage... And at this point, I'm not even sure how. The words in this thread will help steer me, but I will choose mine (and those selected from here) carefully before I say a thing.
So, if 'feelingreat' is still here or anyone wants to chime in, I am struggling with what to say to my son, if anything. I KNOW not to blame, but shouldn't I at least tell him that what his Mom said about my actions was false? I could even just say she was so angry that she "misperceived" of something of that sort. I'm not comfortable feeling like my son loves me and is enjoying our "usual/normal" time together again, BUT that he may well think that I actually did "attack" or "threaten" Mom.
I know its not wise to ask him to take sides or even engage him in the "struggle", but shouldn't I set the record straight? Would it put his mind at ease or, as I am guessing, just irritate him that I brought it up and so he would just "go deaf" as soon as I mentioned it???
While I'm here, a quick status report: No return call from the atty. I tried to contact and with whom I left all my pertinent info., and I do need to get with a shelter for some advice - something I have told myself I have been "too busy to do". To busy posting here, maybe? No, I need this time here where I feel supported
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Hi there,
I am just catching up with your thread, and (((HUGS))) and so much sympathy for living with alcoholism. Sorry for the reasons you've found yourself here.
No kids, and not in a marriage here, so i don't have much to offer on the parental front. I just wanted to chime in some support.
This has nothing to do with children, so take it with a grain of salt. My boss is a recovering alcoholic. Her MO while drinking was to call our clients, gossip, lie, all kinds of fun stuff. A couple of times (that I know of) I was her drunken lie target to clients - which luckily, both times, they called me to let me know.
I said it is no secret 'boss lady' makes phone calls over cocktails in the evenings, and some or all of what is said during those times is untrue or the facts are altered due to an inebriated perception. They agreed completely, and that is where the conversation ended.
We often say in here (SR) "it is non of your business what other people think of you." I wholeheartedly agree, unless lies are jeopardizing my professional relationships.. and I would add to that, a parent / minor child relationship.
It seems that you could ask what dear son knows and thinks? "Do you know that mommy drinks in the evening? Have you ever noticed different behavior because of it? You can talk to me about this, because it affects me too. Here is how it has affected me. It scares me because I do not want it to affect my relationship with you, and because I love mommy too."
My 2 cents based on zero parental experience. Best of luck to you and your family. Keep coming back - this place has been a Godsend to me through some BS times!
I am just catching up with your thread, and (((HUGS))) and so much sympathy for living with alcoholism. Sorry for the reasons you've found yourself here.
No kids, and not in a marriage here, so i don't have much to offer on the parental front. I just wanted to chime in some support.
This has nothing to do with children, so take it with a grain of salt. My boss is a recovering alcoholic. Her MO while drinking was to call our clients, gossip, lie, all kinds of fun stuff. A couple of times (that I know of) I was her drunken lie target to clients - which luckily, both times, they called me to let me know.
I said it is no secret 'boss lady' makes phone calls over cocktails in the evenings, and some or all of what is said during those times is untrue or the facts are altered due to an inebriated perception. They agreed completely, and that is where the conversation ended.
We often say in here (SR) "it is non of your business what other people think of you." I wholeheartedly agree, unless lies are jeopardizing my professional relationships.. and I would add to that, a parent / minor child relationship.
It seems that you could ask what dear son knows and thinks? "Do you know that mommy drinks in the evening? Have you ever noticed different behavior because of it? You can talk to me about this, because it affects me too. Here is how it has affected me. It scares me because I do not want it to affect my relationship with you, and because I love mommy too."
My 2 cents based on zero parental experience. Best of luck to you and your family. Keep coming back - this place has been a Godsend to me through some BS times!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
It is indeed a Godsend and the people who have offered their support have helped me immensely, both now and going forward. Thanks so much for adding yourself to "the list"
When a non-parent offers advice to parents, oftentimes "selective deafness" kicks in, but you offered some thought-provoking ideas - thanks for that too.
Best wishes to you and with the struggles that brought you here as well.
When a non-parent offers advice to parents, oftentimes "selective deafness" kicks in, but you offered some thought-provoking ideas - thanks for that too.
Best wishes to you and with the struggles that brought you here as well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I know its not wise to ask him to take sides or even engage him in the "struggle", but shouldn't I set the record straight? Would it put his mind at ease or, as I am guessing, just irritate him that I brought it up and so he would just "go deaf" as soon as I mentioned it???
I don't think it's wise to put your son in a position where he is having to choose which parent to believe. I know that's not your intention, but he will see the division.
The record will eventually set itself straight. It's not your job to point out every time your wife lies. It will only increase the tension in your home, which sounds to be near a boiling point anyway.
My advice (as ever), speaking as the adult child of an alcoholic, is to take him to Alateen meetings and yourself to Alanon. At 14 he is at a hard age anyway. Having an alcoholic parent makes tough times even tougher. As a parent, your job is to put the tools into his hands so that he can decide the truth for himself.
You're desperate to find the "right way" to address your wife's alcoholism and the stress it is causing you and your son. Alanon is the place to do that.
I don't think it's wise to put your son in a position where he is having to choose which parent to believe. I know that's not your intention, but he will see the division.
The record will eventually set itself straight. It's not your job to point out every time your wife lies. It will only increase the tension in your home, which sounds to be near a boiling point anyway.
My advice (as ever), speaking as the adult child of an alcoholic, is to take him to Alateen meetings and yourself to Alanon. At 14 he is at a hard age anyway. Having an alcoholic parent makes tough times even tougher. As a parent, your job is to put the tools into his hands so that he can decide the truth for himself.
You're desperate to find the "right way" to address your wife's alcoholism and the stress it is causing you and your son. Alanon is the place to do that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by redatlanta
You might have mentioned it before, but how old is your son?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
I know its not wise to ask him to take sides or even engage him in the "struggle", but shouldn't I set the record straight? Would it put his mind at ease or, as I am guessing, just irritate him that I brought it up and so he would just "go deaf" as soon as I mentioned it???
I don't think it's wise to put your son in a position where he is having to choose which parent to believe. I know that's not your intention, but he will see the division.
The record will eventually set itself straight. It's not your job to point out every time your wife lies. It will only increase the tension in your home, which sounds to be near a boiling point anyway.
My advice (as ever), speaking as the adult child of an alcoholic, is to take him to Alateen meetings and yourself to Alanon. At 14 he is at a hard age anyway. Having an alcoholic parent makes tough times even tougher. As a parent, your job is to put the tools into his hands so that he can decide the truth for himself.
You're desperate to find the "right way" to address your wife's alcoholism and the stress it is causing you and your son. Alanon is the place to do that.
I don't think it's wise to put your son in a position where he is having to choose which parent to believe. I know that's not your intention, but he will see the division.
The record will eventually set itself straight. It's not your job to point out every time your wife lies. It will only increase the tension in your home, which sounds to be near a boiling point anyway.
My advice (as ever), speaking as the adult child of an alcoholic, is to take him to Alateen meetings and yourself to Alanon. At 14 he is at a hard age anyway. Having an alcoholic parent makes tough times even tougher. As a parent, your job is to put the tools into his hands so that he can decide the truth for himself.
You're desperate to find the "right way" to address your wife's alcoholism and the stress it is causing you and your son. Alanon is the place to do that.
You obviously sympathize with my desire to help my son see the truth, but to be more specific about that, I am now not interested in pointing out that his mother lied. I want him to know what I DID NOT do. Of course in telling him, "Son, I never did what your mother said I did in the heat of an altercation last week", the clear indication is that she was lying, even though my intent was to only tell him that I did not threaten or "attack" her in any way. I don't know if that fact can ever come out w/o me SAYING it.
We have not discussed Mom being an alcoholic, so bringing him to an alanon or alateen meeting would require I tell him this about his mother's problem.
Feels like I am 'between a rock and a hard place' on this one.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 26
Hey... A little bit late to the thread. Anyways I would like to state that children have no business discussing the issues of marriag . Actions speak louder than words and your doing a fine job portraying yourself to your son. Unless he asks you specific questions I would not weigh him down with thoughts that could put him into a negative space about his parents (lying, alcohol, abuse). Honestly children are extremely perceptive and he probably knows deep down that what his mother said doesn't match your actions. Even if he doesn't pick up on it, keeping your side clean will eventually pay off. He may ask certain questions when he is older to clarify the situation. It is irritating because you just want him to know the truth! It is a hard space to be in. Although I think your doing a great job! I hope I wasn't too blunt with my point, but I feel very strongly after being raised in a very supportive family and watching my nephews grow up with an addict mother. Your child might even ask why you didn't tell him before when he finds out. Just let him know that you wanted him to have a childhood and not grow up to fast. All and all though your doing a very fine job I would be happy to have a father like yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by TheBob1
I now agree about not trying to elicit a taking-sides response from my son, as advised by you and most or all others here, but here are a couple sticking points (one in general and one re. your post):
You obviously sympathize with my desire to help my son see the truth, but to be more specific about that, I am now not interested in pointing out that his mother lied. I want him to know what I DID NOT do. Of course in telling him, "Son, I never did what your mother said I did in the heat of an altercation last week", the clear indication is that she was lying, even though my intent was to only tell him that I did not threaten or "attack" her in any way. I don't know if that fact can ever come out w/o me SAYING it.
We have not discussed Mom being an alcoholic, so bringing him to an alanon or alateen meeting would require I tell him this about his mother's problem.
Feels like I am 'between a rock and a hard place' on this one.
You obviously sympathize with my desire to help my son see the truth, but to be more specific about that, I am now not interested in pointing out that his mother lied. I want him to know what I DID NOT do. Of course in telling him, "Son, I never did what your mother said I did in the heat of an altercation last week", the clear indication is that she was lying, even though my intent was to only tell him that I did not threaten or "attack" her in any way. I don't know if that fact can ever come out w/o me SAYING it.
We have not discussed Mom being an alcoholic, so bringing him to an alanon or alateen meeting would require I tell him this about his mother's problem.
Feels like I am 'between a rock and a hard place' on this one.
My mom spent a lot of time dealing with and addressing my dad's crazy accusations, mood swings and other behavior, but never once honestly addressed his alcoholism. I think she thought she was protecting us. The thing is, we were being exposed to it, so she wasn't protecting us from anything. It just made it more confusing because I never knew the reason for his behavior until I was much older. By then I had already internalized that I was somehow to blame for the way he treated me. I was 7 when my parents divorced. I'm 37 now and have just begun to deal with my ACoA issues.
The damage is being done. Your son knows SOMETHING is wrong. Giving him a name to put to it and a healthy way of dealing with it will be empowering and ultimately helpful. No he probably won't be immediately grateful, but doing this for him now could save him a lot of heartache and trouble down the road.
I get that you don't want to look like a bad guy in front of your son, and that you're worried about antagonizing your wife, but she's not the center of the universe. Right now the whole household revolves around what she says and does. Only you have the power to change that dynamic.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I am 100% in agreement with ladyscribbler.
Tell him about her drinking. Take him to Alateen or Alanon.
I was also raised in a home with alcohol and secrets. It left me wondering what is real in the world and what is not. So many secrets. It changed my ability to believe my own thoughts and feelings and I still question myself.
The truth is that she drinks - and she drinks too much. He is plenty old enough to start unraveling that. It changes who she is, and that level of dysfunction is very confusing to a kid who doesn't understand it.
Get him some help.
It's time to remove the veil of denial. It's also time to start working to prevent your son from following in her footsteps.
Tell him about her drinking. Take him to Alateen or Alanon.
I was also raised in a home with alcohol and secrets. It left me wondering what is real in the world and what is not. So many secrets. It changed my ability to believe my own thoughts and feelings and I still question myself.
The truth is that she drinks - and she drinks too much. He is plenty old enough to start unraveling that. It changes who she is, and that level of dysfunction is very confusing to a kid who doesn't understand it.
Get him some help.
It's time to remove the veil of denial. It's also time to start working to prevent your son from following in her footsteps.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Oh goodness, yes, you need to have a real conversation with him.
Think about it this way, you are banging your head against the wall here trying to find ways to get him to open up to him & the whole time you're being dishonest with him. Lies by omission. Secrets make the whole family sick.
Can you blame him for not knowing which side to believe? Can you understand how his gut instincts are probably picking up on something being "not quite right"? Which, incidentally, feels exactly the same as the gut tugs he gets from mom's behavior. (I'm speaking from my experience as a child of an alcoholic/drug addict dad & highly dysfunctional/enabling mom.)
And of course, he already knows on some level, so he may be feeling disrespected by you for not believing he could handle the truth/straight talk. (I had a LOT of issues with my mom's sober behavior) Kids KNOW. 14 is a tough age all around, opening up communication with him is probably going to take time & baby steps.
I have been talking to my daughter about addiction since she was 5. The talks have matured along with her growth & we talk about it in relation to our lives as well as the rest of the world..... How people struggle with habits of all kinds, in all walks of life. At 11, she is incredibly aware for her age, understands boundaries, can spot dysfunction, has amazing instincts.
You can't change what she says or how she says it. You also don't want to end up acting just as crazy in an effort to defend yourself. When those situations arise, maybe you can try to use a lot of "I" statements when you follow up with your son: "I'm sorry you had to listen to all of that..... I am happy to talk to you about all those things you heard, in a much calmer way, if you have any questions at all. I want to explain it to you, but I don't want to assume to know what you find confusing or have questions about."
Think about it this way, you are banging your head against the wall here trying to find ways to get him to open up to him & the whole time you're being dishonest with him. Lies by omission. Secrets make the whole family sick.
Can you blame him for not knowing which side to believe? Can you understand how his gut instincts are probably picking up on something being "not quite right"? Which, incidentally, feels exactly the same as the gut tugs he gets from mom's behavior. (I'm speaking from my experience as a child of an alcoholic/drug addict dad & highly dysfunctional/enabling mom.)
And of course, he already knows on some level, so he may be feeling disrespected by you for not believing he could handle the truth/straight talk. (I had a LOT of issues with my mom's sober behavior) Kids KNOW. 14 is a tough age all around, opening up communication with him is probably going to take time & baby steps.
I have been talking to my daughter about addiction since she was 5. The talks have matured along with her growth & we talk about it in relation to our lives as well as the rest of the world..... How people struggle with habits of all kinds, in all walks of life. At 11, she is incredibly aware for her age, understands boundaries, can spot dysfunction, has amazing instincts.
You can't change what she says or how she says it. You also don't want to end up acting just as crazy in an effort to defend yourself. When those situations arise, maybe you can try to use a lot of "I" statements when you follow up with your son: "I'm sorry you had to listen to all of that..... I am happy to talk to you about all those things you heard, in a much calmer way, if you have any questions at all. I want to explain it to you, but I don't want to assume to know what you find confusing or have questions about."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Wow - opinions have taken on some diversity here! All with heartfelt and sincerely good intentions and for which I am so grateful to all.
As always with me, I fall somewhere in the middle of it all (I've been known as "Switzerland" most of my life: always rather unbiased and/or 'on the fence'). With 100% respect to every single one who has added something here, here is my current position:
I must recognize that some opinions/advice here are coming from places where the addiction and corresponding behavior has been far more intense than in my case. I know things are settled down for me right now (wife has actually been a seemingly sober part of the home life the past few days in the evenings), but what I have described and what brought me here are mostly all that's happened. Not to say it isn't awful, but I am afraid of going too far the other direction. What I mean is...
I am glad oclaf and daydreamer chimed in here, because as much as I know there are things in definite need of attention and action, their input appeals to an aspect of my sensibilities, having grown up being kept separate from marital matters completely. I was old enough and aware when my Dad (a cocktail generation kinda guy) turned alcoholic. It was pretty obvious, but I do not think his cocktails affected our life growing up. I liked that way I was separate from the adult issues. They are more complex than I think some kids can han=dle - or maybe better put, more complex than a kid wants or needs to be at a tender, developing age when just plain ol' life seems so complicated as it is. My son becomes very perturbed, and as noted many times here, clams up if I am much as hint at the topic. Maybe he is indeed saying,"Leave me out of this - I want no part of it!".
I am thinking, at least for now with things kinda coasting - actually going better than they have for quite some time - that it may be best not to not 'kick the sleeping dog'. Fire, Bimini, Lexie (if you are still here) and others who are so supportive - - you've been here with me since I opened up about this challenge in my life and the one thing (of many) I will act on is finding a good Alanon mtg. that works with my location and schedule (embarrassed to admit I have not been to one yet); but here is the thing I have also realized:
I am just not ready to make Mom's problem a central issue in our lives - at least not yet. As someone said here, she (and her problem) is not the center of our world. Taking focus off normalcy and putting it all on the problem, I fear (especially given my son's reactions to it) could put way to much stress on things here.
We'll need to talk and she needs to know that another "episode" will be a BIG tipping point -- as was the last one which, for now, I think she believes has simply faded away. (Not so.)
Hope this posts - I've been on here too long and it tends to log out. Please, whomever is here, come back - I have a little more ;-)
As always with me, I fall somewhere in the middle of it all (I've been known as "Switzerland" most of my life: always rather unbiased and/or 'on the fence'). With 100% respect to every single one who has added something here, here is my current position:
I must recognize that some opinions/advice here are coming from places where the addiction and corresponding behavior has been far more intense than in my case. I know things are settled down for me right now (wife has actually been a seemingly sober part of the home life the past few days in the evenings), but what I have described and what brought me here are mostly all that's happened. Not to say it isn't awful, but I am afraid of going too far the other direction. What I mean is...
I am glad oclaf and daydreamer chimed in here, because as much as I know there are things in definite need of attention and action, their input appeals to an aspect of my sensibilities, having grown up being kept separate from marital matters completely. I was old enough and aware when my Dad (a cocktail generation kinda guy) turned alcoholic. It was pretty obvious, but I do not think his cocktails affected our life growing up. I liked that way I was separate from the adult issues. They are more complex than I think some kids can han=dle - or maybe better put, more complex than a kid wants or needs to be at a tender, developing age when just plain ol' life seems so complicated as it is. My son becomes very perturbed, and as noted many times here, clams up if I am much as hint at the topic. Maybe he is indeed saying,"Leave me out of this - I want no part of it!".
I am thinking, at least for now with things kinda coasting - actually going better than they have for quite some time - that it may be best not to not 'kick the sleeping dog'. Fire, Bimini, Lexie (if you are still here) and others who are so supportive - - you've been here with me since I opened up about this challenge in my life and the one thing (of many) I will act on is finding a good Alanon mtg. that works with my location and schedule (embarrassed to admit I have not been to one yet); but here is the thing I have also realized:
I am just not ready to make Mom's problem a central issue in our lives - at least not yet. As someone said here, she (and her problem) is not the center of our world. Taking focus off normalcy and putting it all on the problem, I fear (especially given my son's reactions to it) could put way to much stress on things here.
We'll need to talk and she needs to know that another "episode" will be a BIG tipping point -- as was the last one which, for now, I think she believes has simply faded away. (Not so.)
Hope this posts - I've been on here too long and it tends to log out. Please, whomever is here, come back - I have a little more ;-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Continuing...
FYI: I did say to my son in the days after "the big blowup" that he can talk to me if/when he wants/needs to. I was kinda awkward about it, so I hope he took it as sincere. I suspect leaving it there for the time being is best, based on my gut right now.
I will admit, as some of my "friends/advisors" here might observe or comment on soon, it is easy to forget to make the time and effort when things calm down, and I am definitely cognizant of that, so its all still "here". Complacency is not a concern - its just that things feel less pressing at the moment - - that, and I think it may not hurt to "just live" while letting some things sink in (see recent "fire hose" comment). This has been incredibly difficult, and the wonderful folks I have encountered here really got me through that big hump. I now know I have support and can rest my mind a little, having gotten some critical advice up front that I can and will use as a move forward.
Steadily and mindfully approaching things. I do hope and pray nothing big comes up between now and when I get the pending legal and shelter/counselor advice. Wife has definitely cut back (still see a wine glass tho) and I have adjusted my temperament and approach to be less cynical/bitter but with calm confidence. I think it throws her of a little (LOL!) but at the same time, she seems to respond in like fashion, so if I can keep my cool when the topic of our son comes up (my hot button, for sure), I can keep moving in life and not be as paralyzed as I was last week.
I know you wonderful people are wishing me luck and keeping me in prayers. Can't sufficiently express the gratitude I feel for that.
FYI: I did say to my son in the days after "the big blowup" that he can talk to me if/when he wants/needs to. I was kinda awkward about it, so I hope he took it as sincere. I suspect leaving it there for the time being is best, based on my gut right now.
I will admit, as some of my "friends/advisors" here might observe or comment on soon, it is easy to forget to make the time and effort when things calm down, and I am definitely cognizant of that, so its all still "here". Complacency is not a concern - its just that things feel less pressing at the moment - - that, and I think it may not hurt to "just live" while letting some things sink in (see recent "fire hose" comment). This has been incredibly difficult, and the wonderful folks I have encountered here really got me through that big hump. I now know I have support and can rest my mind a little, having gotten some critical advice up front that I can and will use as a move forward.
Steadily and mindfully approaching things. I do hope and pray nothing big comes up between now and when I get the pending legal and shelter/counselor advice. Wife has definitely cut back (still see a wine glass tho) and I have adjusted my temperament and approach to be less cynical/bitter but with calm confidence. I think it throws her of a little (LOL!) but at the same time, she seems to respond in like fashion, so if I can keep my cool when the topic of our son comes up (my hot button, for sure), I can keep moving in life and not be as paralyzed as I was last week.
I know you wonderful people are wishing me luck and keeping me in prayers. Can't sufficiently express the gratitude I feel for that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I am 100% in agreement with ladyscribbler.
Tell him about her drinking. Take him to Alateen or Alanon.
I was also raised in a home with alcohol and secrets. It left me wondering what is real in the world and what is not. So many secrets. It changed my ability to believe my own thoughts and feelings and I still question myself.
The truth is that she drinks - and she drinks too much. He is plenty old enough to start unraveling that. It changes who she is, and that level of dysfunction is very confusing to a kid who doesn't understand it.
Get him some help.
It's time to remove the veil of denial. It's also time to start working to prevent your son from following in her footsteps.
Tell him about her drinking. Take him to Alateen or Alanon.
I was also raised in a home with alcohol and secrets. It left me wondering what is real in the world and what is not. So many secrets. It changed my ability to believe my own thoughts and feelings and I still question myself.
The truth is that she drinks - and she drinks too much. He is plenty old enough to start unraveling that. It changes who she is, and that level of dysfunction is very confusing to a kid who doesn't understand it.
Get him some help.
It's time to remove the veil of denial. It's also time to start working to prevent your son from following in her footsteps.
Bimini, I can't say if our house is better or worse than yours was, but with the exception (and yes, its a big one) of our arguments, I can't say - at least for now - with 100% certainty that our marital life being an open book is the right choice. I'm juggling between my own reservations that are more in line with 'oclaf' and yours/ladys'.
I am, however, deathly afraid our son could go down the addiction road, which may push me to your side. I keep having this nagging feeling though, that once "the issue" becomes prominent in our lives, it begins t be "just a normal thing" to be dysfunctional. Maybe its better that certain matters are taboo for kids??? I donlt want alcoholism or addiction to be "regular ol' " parts of normal everyday life. They are not normal, so I don't want to treat them as if they are.
As you can see, I suffer from analysis paralysis, "appreciating" both sides too much to feel compelled to take one or the other. Still chewing on this aspect of things.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
We DO truly wish you well Bob, even differing opinions here come from a place of love & sharing our truths. So glad you're going to seek out meetings. I'm not suggesting you do anything you aren't comfortable with. We all get there in our own way, in our own time & you will too.
It already IS a central issue in your lives, ignoring it will not create a solution. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You can only ignore the elephant in the room for so long.
Please be careful with ultimatums like the "tipping point" you refer to - it isn't the same thing as boundaries. Please also be careful not to minimize things - looking at it as "less than" another's poster's experience doesn't make it better, more manageable or ok. That's one of the traps that delays the process & keeps you thinking your situation isn't "so bad"; you invalidate yourself with that kind of thinking.
I think that the more subtle situations are so damaging over the long term because it's harder to identify the damage done. I wasn't physically or verbally abused & my AF was very high functioning; it took me YEARS to grasp the unhealthy behaviors I had learned as a child of an alcoholic & to recognize how I had applied them to every other relationship in my life. I thought of them as personality traits, even strengths. Recovery widened my perspective & I could see that those same traits might have actually started in an effort to self-preserve. Developed in REACTION to my environment rather than a part of who I was inherently. Huge identity crisis in my late 30's - You mean I don't HAVE to be this person?? ugh.
I was 15 when my AF finally achieved sobriety. I was relieved to finally have a name for the thing we'd been battling all those years because no one had ever used the words alcoholic or addict. It had been like fighting ghosts, never sure what was wrong but knowing something always was. But by then all I wanted was away, his sobriety no longer mattered. For too long I had been focused on simply getting through whatever was directly in front of me & "playing the game" that made up our lives. I couldn't relate to my parents when he got sober, I didn't really know them any longer & we never sat down & acclimated ourselves with all the changes as a family & I felt completely disassociated. I didn't know what I DID want, but I knew I had to be far away from my entire family to try to figure it all out. Even as the "sober" parent, my mother was not at all prepared or able to help me & I had as much, if not more, resentment toward her as I did him. While I could find empathy for his addiction, I could not understand one bit of her enabling, enmeshed ways. I resented her for not standing up for herself, for accepting crap behavior, for never ever ever ever talking to us about the things we saw with our own eyes. I was determined to never marry & never have children.
Just sharing my experience here, no judgment against your own. Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps. Keep reading (not just this thread/this forum), keep posting! 
Originally Posted by TheBob1
I am just not ready to make Mom's problem a central issue in our lives - at least not yet. As someone said here, she (and her problem) is not the center of our world. Taking focus off normalcy and putting it all on the problem, I fear (especially given my son's reactions to it) could put way to much stress on things here.
We'll need to talk and she needs to know that another "episode" will be a BIG tipping point -- as was the last one which, for now, I think she believes has simply faded away. (Not so.)
We'll need to talk and she needs to know that another "episode" will be a BIG tipping point -- as was the last one which, for now, I think she believes has simply faded away. (Not so.)
Please be careful with ultimatums like the "tipping point" you refer to - it isn't the same thing as boundaries. Please also be careful not to minimize things - looking at it as "less than" another's poster's experience doesn't make it better, more manageable or ok. That's one of the traps that delays the process & keeps you thinking your situation isn't "so bad"; you invalidate yourself with that kind of thinking.
I think that the more subtle situations are so damaging over the long term because it's harder to identify the damage done. I wasn't physically or verbally abused & my AF was very high functioning; it took me YEARS to grasp the unhealthy behaviors I had learned as a child of an alcoholic & to recognize how I had applied them to every other relationship in my life. I thought of them as personality traits, even strengths. Recovery widened my perspective & I could see that those same traits might have actually started in an effort to self-preserve. Developed in REACTION to my environment rather than a part of who I was inherently. Huge identity crisis in my late 30's - You mean I don't HAVE to be this person?? ugh.
I was 15 when my AF finally achieved sobriety. I was relieved to finally have a name for the thing we'd been battling all those years because no one had ever used the words alcoholic or addict. It had been like fighting ghosts, never sure what was wrong but knowing something always was. But by then all I wanted was away, his sobriety no longer mattered. For too long I had been focused on simply getting through whatever was directly in front of me & "playing the game" that made up our lives. I couldn't relate to my parents when he got sober, I didn't really know them any longer & we never sat down & acclimated ourselves with all the changes as a family & I felt completely disassociated. I didn't know what I DID want, but I knew I had to be far away from my entire family to try to figure it all out. Even as the "sober" parent, my mother was not at all prepared or able to help me & I had as much, if not more, resentment toward her as I did him. While I could find empathy for his addiction, I could not understand one bit of her enabling, enmeshed ways. I resented her for not standing up for herself, for accepting crap behavior, for never ever ever ever talking to us about the things we saw with our own eyes. I was determined to never marry & never have children.
Just sharing my experience here, no judgment against your own. Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps. Keep reading (not just this thread/this forum), keep posting!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
