TheBob1

When I have tried to talk about dealing with her disease (which she is very touchy about), she has blown up, we've gotten into some ugly fights (verbal), and she likes to imply that I have been "abusive" (I do yell back). The implication here is that she wants me to know she is holding the "abuse card" and might just play it. She knows I am afraid of ever losing our only son, and I suspect she still might do it, even though its her son too. When she is that angry, I honestly don't think she cares.

FYI: When she is mad at me, she will physically provoke, almost as a man would when "getting up" in an adversary's face. Close-up, pointing in my face or poking my chest. She has even slapped the living hell out of my chest before (roundhouse with all her might), and once tried to "take me out" with a flurry of punches at the face (she is not a small woman and there was some power there). During that encounter, I had to take evasive action (my first and only time ever) which she has blown up into her having been a victim of domestic violence. Not legally, just the threat of telling someone I "abused" her. Well, enough detail...

I found a webpage that discusses this and it is excellent although not comprehensive (under 'shrink4men'). But if anyone has some insight or experience with this kind of sick behavior, please feel free to share if you are willing.

I'm not a battered husband, but sometimes think I would be if I was smaller and/or weaker of body or spirit. It is said that victims of abuse become abusers. Her Dad was a military officer - I don't she learned this from her Mom - unless her Mom was abusive with she and her siblings - - - now THAT I could envision. Dear, sweet, ol' Mom in-law.

biminiblue

Regardless of why and regardless of her addiction, physically touching anyone in anger is a dealbreaker in my opinion.

Did you find an attorney yet?

TheBob1

Yeah, "touching" is pushing the boundaries for me, but I find the threat to be far more heinous a violation of decency and trust. Certainly not belonging in any loving relationship; Doubly not one with children involved, or worse, PRESENT!

Counselor visit and atty. referrals coming tomorrow, my friend. Thanks for keeping up with me here.

LexieCat

I've worked professionally in the DV field for many years, and physical violence is NEVER ok, regardless of who is engaging in it. Maybe you don't feel you need protection from her, but this kind of behavior is setting a terrible example for your child. In addition, if she ever does get to the point where you are compelled to defend yourself, there's a good chance that the police will wind up arresting YOU. We try to train officers to determine who is the "primary aggressor" but it isn't always foolproof, and not all officers do the analysis that they should. (Women who are defending themselves are also sometimes arrested improperly, so it isn't one-sided.)

I hope you are able to get out of this situation--it doesn't sound like she has any interest in recovery. She is continuing to spiral, it looks like, and things won't improve if you stay until the point where it has become beyond unbearable.

If it is reaching the level of physical violence you would do well to separate before something tragic happens. You can call the domestic violence hotline or the local women's shelter and speak to an advocate about a protective order. Even though you're a man, the advocate will be able to help you with your situation. It's always good to get information, even if you aren't ready to act on it yet. Speaking with an advocate is confidential and you won't have to make any official report or contact the police if you don't want to.

Duckygirl1

Once it gets physical, you have to get out. I'm sorry I know that's easier said than done, but these are huge black clouds on the horizon. Please record and keep a journal of every incident that you can. ((((Hugs))))

healthyagain

I have some experience with being provoked, not like you, but baited into fights, and after getting an ugly reaction from me, he repeated the same insult daring me to slap him. All you can and should do is walk away. Please, please do not engage. What is even worse, you are a guy. As are capable of bringing out the ugliest in you, and then they spin it. If you manage not to react, you may notice that the abuse will get worse. When my A says something really hurtful, he smiles. Then he blacks out, and forgets. But they remember everything bad you do. So be careful.

AliWProk

I could get rather belligerent and lash out physically at my boyfriend when I drank long ago. I was immature, jealous, and would drunkenly pick fights with his female friends and then lash out at him for whatever. Not proud of that crap. We are both sober and now married, after 15 years apart. Madness.

Anyway, my husband has a business partner who was horribly abused by his former wife. He finally left when she tried to kill him by hitting him in the head with a bat while he slept. He just got out of his 7th surgery.

I hope you'll take action to protect yourself and your children before something this awful happens. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can handle her. You have to sleep sometime...

Carlotta

I am sorry that you are in a DV situation. You do not deserve to be abused and your child does not deserve to witness that either.
Maybe this link will help
Help for Abused Men: Escaping Domestic Violence by Women or Domestic Partners

TheBob1

Thanks I need to make it clear there is no violence. When she gets really steamed, she gets provocative.

Some (but not all) advice I have gleaned so far: Keep a journal, but better yet, record tantrums, threats, etc.; See a counselor from a shelter (never thought of that!). WIsh me luck/pray. Tomorrow I go out in search of the right counsel, both legal and emotional/practical.

Words cannot express the gratitude I have for total strangers helping me along here. God bless you all.

TheBob1

Thanks you, I will check it out. I am under threat of being accused of DV, to be clear here. I have a feeling the advice to male victims will still be quite useful in my situation. Some here have asserted that the threat and the manipulation from her qualify as "abuse", but I think "violence" is a huge leap from that. Then again, maybe I have grown accustomed to a pushy bi--- and can't see the forest for the trees?

LexieCat

Not what you said a few posts ago. You said: That's physical violence by anyone's definition.

TheBob1

Words of wisdom. I did react badly once. Not "get arrested" badly, but I returned blows into soft upper arm. First/last time ever. I was badly bruised where I blocked her punches, but was told by a marriage counselor at the time that unless evidence is overwhelming, the man is assumed guilty. I was told walk out, even if I have to leave my son there. Hmmm... no. (If you are wondering, I fired that counselor, even if he was probably right about how goes to jail if there is any DV).

This is so messed up my head is spinning - literally dizzy from anger. She has currently got my dear son keeping me at arm's length adn I can't figure out why. I know this place is for positivity, but I think there is a special place in hell for someone who would do that.

TheBob1

Ahem, well, I guess you are right. I suppose since the chest thing didn't hurt (I am strong enough) and the punches were, well, a surprise. I may have verbally provoked them, but then again, if it was reversed, she wouldn't be giving me any benefit of doubt, huh?

Okay, you are right.

I think because the incidents were "isolated" I have not played them up. And yet sh eis threatening ME with charges of DV/abuse. You just put me in my place - in a good way. When things happen to me, I tend to not put myself on the labeled groups, but I guess I really a a member in good standing, aren't I. Wow (where is the emoticon for slapping oneself in the forehead!?!)

Carlotta

One thing you could do since it is harder for men to prove DV is if you have a smartphone to get your camera or at least your recorder rolling when she starts flipping out.
Maybe Lexie can pitch in on that one because I think in some States you need the permission of both parties to record stuff.
I m glad you fired that counselor: what an ass recommending that you take off and leave your child behind with a mentally unstable alcoholic.

LexieCat

Virginia is a one-party-consent state for recording--as long as one party to the conversation consents to an interception, it's legal. (Not legal advice; I don't practice in Virginia, but that is what a quick Google search tells me.)

As far as leaving your son goes, you could step into another room and call the police. That could entail SOME risk, but less than if you physically engage with her and SHE calls the police.

I really suggest you talk with an advocate who can help with safety planning.

Why, exactly, are you staying with her? It sounds dangerous for you and your child.

TheBob1

Advocate - are they in the phonebook? (sarcasm, sorry)... But really, do I call a shelter?? I am NOT getting a gov't authority in our lives unless death or serious injury is imminent and there is no other legal option.

OK, why I "stay": This is not an every day occurrence, as much as it all sounds immediate b/c it is all here in one place at one time - - well, except her being buzzed every night. That is consistent, but the intensity varies pretty widely. I "stay" b/c life goes on semi-normally, well, until now that i am "done" after the threat of extortion (accusations I have abused her). Pride is another reason - IT IS MY BLEEPITY BLEEPIN' HOUSE. Do I leave the (expletive deleted) to take all I have earned in 55 years and what, go get an apartment? My son won't go with me, by the way. Just figured out today he seems to think this is my fault - because Mom said so in a very authoritative and dramatic way. I have no friends or family to stay with., but I'm not a poor helpless waif going into hiding from a stalker or something, so conditions are just not right for me to leave. I would, on the other hand, be happy to serve her with an eviction notice.

FeelingGreat

Bob, number one rule for living with A's is you never attempt a confrontation or even a deep conversation with them while they are under the influence. Following this rule will help protect you and your son. If you have something to say, wait until she is sober. I hope I'm correct in saying she'll be much less likely to become violent.

You can avoid interaction with her while she's drunk by staying out of her way where possible and keeping all interactions short and to the point. You could set up a separate living area where you can go when she's drunk. I agree that if she does become hysterical or physical you should record if you can. Practice turning on the recording discreetly. And of course keep a journal.

From your posts I read that you can be provoked into responding in kind (not physical) but it's essential you get a grip on your temper. Think of yourself as a lighthouse with the ocean (AW) beating against it, but making no impact.

Have you attempted to talk to your son? You don't know what she's told him or is alleging against you, and you may be able to reassure him. Do not denigrate your AW to him, apart from mentioning the affect of alcohol on her behaviour.

LexieCat

Advocate: Call the women's shelter. As I said, they provide services (advice, safety planning, counseling, any assistance needed) to victims regardless of sex. I've had many male victims of DV during my career, including at least two police officers (MEN with GUNS)--believe me, they were not helpless waifs, but they WERE abused and their abusers WERE prosecuted. ETA: shelters are NOT government agencies. There is nothing "official" about them--they are operated by nonprofit organizations. About the only thing that might be subject to reporting would be if they learned of child abuse.

As I said, contacting the advocate/shelter does not involve anything official. It is a free service for anyone who is a victim of abuse. And ANYONE can be a victim. I've had people with tons of money and power who were victims.

In terms of your having to leave to escape the abuse, if you have reason to fear physical injury, you can apply for a protective order. If granted, she would have to leave the house. Alternatively, filing for divorce or separation might allow you to be granted temporary possession of the house (and temporary custody of your son). You might want to consult a lawyer about your options. This does NOT obligate you to go through with anything, but knowledge is power. It is good to be informed about what your rights and obligations would be.

Alcoholism (as well as abuse) inevitably becomes worse over time. Your son is being exposed to all of this in the meantime. There are many, many adult children of alcoholics here on this forum who will tell you how much they wish their nonalcoholic parent had protected them from the insanity and chaos that goes along with active alcoholism.

Of course, you can continue to tell yourself that it's not that bad. I hope you will at the very least start attending Al-Anon and start setting some good boundaries for what you will and will not accept. As suggested above, engaging in an argument with an alcoholic who is drinking is worse than useless.

healthyagain

I think you should call the hotline. If you do not feel like talking, try chatting with an agent (agency at the national level). It is anonymus. Might help you break the ice. They know the resources and can show you the right direction. For me, they recomended counseling one on one. I was very reluctant to call, but did in the end, the local hotline. And I am really sorry that your son has to deal with this. We have no kids, thanks God, but things did get worse, both drinking and verbal and emotional abuse, even when I do absolutely nothing.

As I said, you are a man, the burden you carry is greater. Do not engage into "discussions" with her. You put her on defensive, and then lots of bad things come out. You really have to be careful. Have you ever felt like she was pushing your buttons? Like arguing about something that she knew would trigger you? Do not allow her this. As you detach, you will be able to keep your head cool and know what to do.

Refiner

She's telling you what she's going to do, so please believe her! She's provoking you into doing something to her so she can play her abuse card. If you learn to detach and not respond or interact, will she escalate her tactics or leave you alone??