Alcoholic Wife Claims Abuse - Falsely
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
One clarification on recent discussion of finances and working:
We did indeed agree on her being a SAHM (stay at home Mom), but also reference my comment that she did not exactly embrace the motherhood thing. Also note, for anyone thinking of the difficulty and work implied by this position, understand she had a "SAHD" (Dad) along side her and availed herself readily to the benefits of that. I took my son places, did many of the activities usually saved for SAHM's, and such, so no, she did not have a difficult job at all. I have been more of a Mom/Dad combined than she was a Mom, and as he has grown older and there have been some physical ailments in my wife's way, I have all but forsaken my "job" and have been coasting - - resting on my laurels you might say - - with regard to productive work, only doing what is absolutely required of me. There have been huge "opportunity costs" and I have neglected parts of my life in order to be a Dad where Mom has not been a Mom. But I am sure to hear her tell it, she has worked her fingers to the bone. I want to throw something at her when I hear her talk with other Moms; and saying how she "relates" to the grueling schedule and such. BS!!! I drive him to school (and pick up half the time too), and spend 5 times as much time with him.
But again I digress.... Just wanted to add in the part about "Yes, I agreed to the SAHM thing, but "SAHM" meant something very different here than with most others who deserve the moniker. (And remember there is but one child).
I have friends and acquaintances who have called me "Mr. Mom". Not exactly a testament to my wife's hard work and diligence. So please - - feminists and REAL SAHM's please don't bark at me
We did indeed agree on her being a SAHM (stay at home Mom), but also reference my comment that she did not exactly embrace the motherhood thing. Also note, for anyone thinking of the difficulty and work implied by this position, understand she had a "SAHD" (Dad) along side her and availed herself readily to the benefits of that. I took my son places, did many of the activities usually saved for SAHM's, and such, so no, she did not have a difficult job at all. I have been more of a Mom/Dad combined than she was a Mom, and as he has grown older and there have been some physical ailments in my wife's way, I have all but forsaken my "job" and have been coasting - - resting on my laurels you might say - - with regard to productive work, only doing what is absolutely required of me. There have been huge "opportunity costs" and I have neglected parts of my life in order to be a Dad where Mom has not been a Mom. But I am sure to hear her tell it, she has worked her fingers to the bone. I want to throw something at her when I hear her talk with other Moms; and saying how she "relates" to the grueling schedule and such. BS!!! I drive him to school (and pick up half the time too), and spend 5 times as much time with him.
But again I digress.... Just wanted to add in the part about "Yes, I agreed to the SAHM thing, but "SAHM" meant something very different here than with most others who deserve the moniker. (And remember there is but one child).
I have friends and acquaintances who have called me "Mr. Mom". Not exactly a testament to my wife's hard work and diligence. So please - - feminists and REAL SAHM's please don't bark at me
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Bob, your marriage is toxic. I'm sure you would agree to that. What I'm not sure about is whether or not you fully see how that toxicity affects your son. Saying you're "not LEAVING" your home for one reason or another is like saying "I'm not LEAVING Chernobyl 'cause I got a really nice view of the power plant." It doesn't matter. Your marriage is radioactive.
Listen, maybe you are/maybe you aren't worried about the money. I just know it wouldn't be a sin to admit you're taking finances into account when deciding how/when to leave. You wouldn't be the first. Heck, I'll save you a seat on the bus! I, very much, took money into account when I timed my divorce. I stayed probably about five years past the expiration date. But I never spoke about my XAH with the vitriol that you use when speaking about your wife. Baffled, annoyed, irritated, and hurt, but never disdainful. And before you say "I never speak that way in front of my son" let's just agree on one point: They know, they always know.
That's what I have a hard time wrapping my head around. Surely you see that you're adding to the toxicity by staying, regardless of the reason, in a marriage to a woman that you clearly don't have the warm fuzzys for. And surely you see how damaging that is to your son.
We are constantly, on this site, advising people to look at actions, not words. So I put it to you, Bob, what actions are you willing to take to lessen this environment of hate that your son is living in?
Listen, maybe you are/maybe you aren't worried about the money. I just know it wouldn't be a sin to admit you're taking finances into account when deciding how/when to leave. You wouldn't be the first. Heck, I'll save you a seat on the bus! I, very much, took money into account when I timed my divorce. I stayed probably about five years past the expiration date. But I never spoke about my XAH with the vitriol that you use when speaking about your wife. Baffled, annoyed, irritated, and hurt, but never disdainful. And before you say "I never speak that way in front of my son" let's just agree on one point: They know, they always know.
That's what I have a hard time wrapping my head around. Surely you see that you're adding to the toxicity by staying, regardless of the reason, in a marriage to a woman that you clearly don't have the warm fuzzys for. And surely you see how damaging that is to your son.
We are constantly, on this site, advising people to look at actions, not words. So I put it to you, Bob, what actions are you willing to take to lessen this environment of hate that your son is living in?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
I hope you are adding in all these pain meds you mentioned she is taking for this "pain." Cross addiction is very dangerous and will accelerate alcoholism. I think the drinking is just the tip of this addiction iceberg, Bob.
Sounds to me like you are in alligators up to your you-know-where. The pain meds are really bad when mixed with alcohol. This is a common progression.
Sounds to me like you are in alligators up to your you-know-where. The pain meds are really bad when mixed with alcohol. This is a common progression.
I would take issue with one thing: The pain meds are GREAT when mixed with alcohol. Okay, tongue-in-cheek comment, but said it because I agree, from my own personal experience, that the high can be quite euphoria-inducing and therefore addictive. Luckily she doesn't like opiates (Percocet and the like), but I think she is hooked, or close to it, on Ambien (yuck!).
I think the stuff stays in one's system quite a long time, and of course the label says "NO ALCOHOL while using this medication". My wife sleeps like a log every night...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
As sad as this is to talk about, I got a good laugh from the Chernobyl metaphor - thanks. And point well taken too.
As you know, its not quite as simple as "just leaving" regardless of finances or anything else. No need to question my recognition of impact on son - - Rips my heart out, thank you.
That's why I am here.
As you know, its not quite as simple as "just leaving" regardless of finances or anything else. No need to question my recognition of impact on son - - Rips my heart out, thank you.
That's why I am here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Southern gal
Posts: 229
serious karma hit the nail on the head. Bob, no one thinks you are a bad dad. I just think sometimes parents get so wrapped up in what they are in, and they are trying to manage it, but they forget that the kids see everything, and they take it internally and it destroys them. That is not your fault, no one is saying that. But INACTION is your fault. that is all. please just think about it
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Ambien abuser too? Blech!!! My husband's bro is hooked on that crap. Takes it for the high and stays awake all night on it - but doesn't drink on top of it... No wonder your AW sleeps like a log. Makes you wonder how ppl like her and my sister CAN even sleep at night with the way they treat ppl. But they're so selfish and self-absorbed they have no problem. So hard to relate to by ppl like us. Unbelievable, really.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by redatlanta
Got it.
Sounds like a lot of resentment on your end. Don't blame ya.
Sad how much you have given up to stay in "your home" or just stay "married" not sure which is more.
Sounds like a lot of resentment on your end. Don't blame ya.
Sad how much you have given up to stay in "your home" or just stay "married" not sure which is more.
Originally Posted by daydreamer0217
serious karma hit the nail on the head. Bob, no one thinks you are a bad dad. I just think sometimes parents get so wrapped up in what they are in, and they are trying to manage it, but they forget that the kids see everything, and they take it internally and it destroys them. That is not your fault, no one is saying that. But INACTION is your fault. that is all. please just think about it
Gentle reminder to the "!!!DO SOMETHING NOW!!!" crowd:
Words written here are but a super-condensed, retrospective, summary snapshot of what's happening all in one nice little package without intricacies, details, personal involvement, 20 years consisting of 365 days apiece, etc.... and I do, I must, take that into consideration.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't think anyone is saying you have to leave now, at all costs. What we are encouraging you to think about are your REASONS for staying, or for trying to force a solution.
Ego is a tough nut. It got in my way of admitting my alcoholism and my need to accept help. It can also get in the way of making other difficult decisions because if we take certain courses of action, heck, we're admitting defeat and the other person is "getting away with it."
That's part of the reason for the 12 Steps in Al-Anon and in AA--to level some of that ego that can blind us to what can truly solve our problems. We wind up cutting off our noses to spite the alcoholic.
Staying because you aren't emotionally ready to leave, or because it makes economic or other sense to wait until something else happens (e.g., looking for a better-paying job, finishing school, waiting till the children's school year is over) may be reasonable. There are other good reasons for staying, too. But staying just because you don't want the alcoholic to "win" or to get something you feel YOU are entitled to--well, I think that's what people here are responding to. Because that's what is coming across in your posts.
Frankly, based on what you have posted, it sounds as if you don't really love your wife anymore. You want her to stop effing up your life and your son's life, but I don't hear care and concern about how she may be suffering.
And there's nothing WRONG with that. You feel how you feel, and it's OK to not give a crap anymore about what she does to herself. But if that IS how you feel, you really do need to take a hard look, I think, at what you are trying to achieve and why.
Ego is a tough nut. It got in my way of admitting my alcoholism and my need to accept help. It can also get in the way of making other difficult decisions because if we take certain courses of action, heck, we're admitting defeat and the other person is "getting away with it."
That's part of the reason for the 12 Steps in Al-Anon and in AA--to level some of that ego that can blind us to what can truly solve our problems. We wind up cutting off our noses to spite the alcoholic.
Staying because you aren't emotionally ready to leave, or because it makes economic or other sense to wait until something else happens (e.g., looking for a better-paying job, finishing school, waiting till the children's school year is over) may be reasonable. There are other good reasons for staying, too. But staying just because you don't want the alcoholic to "win" or to get something you feel YOU are entitled to--well, I think that's what people here are responding to. Because that's what is coming across in your posts.
Frankly, based on what you have posted, it sounds as if you don't really love your wife anymore. You want her to stop effing up your life and your son's life, but I don't hear care and concern about how she may be suffering.
And there's nothing WRONG with that. You feel how you feel, and it's OK to not give a crap anymore about what she does to herself. But if that IS how you feel, you really do need to take a hard look, I think, at what you are trying to achieve and why.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Actions can be big or small.
The actions that are helping me the most are small ones that look nothing like I assumed they would. Gaining self awareness and learning new behaviors is finally getting easier. As I'm keeping after these new small actions, everything is changing in wonderful ways.
For me, it's Alanon, keeping in touch with my sponsor, working the steps, self-care, compassion, building a better relationship with myself so I can have better relationships with others, building a strong support network and reaching out to healthy/healing people around me.
When I get pulled back into the whirlwind, I'm learning to do one of my new actions and return to my own truth and compassion.
When I don't know what to do about the bigger issues, it's in these small actions that I'm able to find my way.
It took me a lot time to start. I was so used to putting everyone else first. It was/is hard to take really good care of myself mentally, physically and spiritually.
The actions that are helping me the most are small ones that look nothing like I assumed they would. Gaining self awareness and learning new behaviors is finally getting easier. As I'm keeping after these new small actions, everything is changing in wonderful ways.
For me, it's Alanon, keeping in touch with my sponsor, working the steps, self-care, compassion, building a better relationship with myself so I can have better relationships with others, building a strong support network and reaching out to healthy/healing people around me.
When I get pulled back into the whirlwind, I'm learning to do one of my new actions and return to my own truth and compassion.
When I don't know what to do about the bigger issues, it's in these small actions that I'm able to find my way.
It took me a lot time to start. I was so used to putting everyone else first. It was/is hard to take really good care of myself mentally, physically and spiritually.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
You say that we aren't getting the whole picture, but here's the thing Bob. We are. It's really quite simple.
You're powerless over alcohol— your life has become unmanageable.
You're no different than any of us here. I'm not saying that to tear you down. I'm saying that to build you up. Alcohol has kicked each and everyone of us in the @ss. Whether you like it or not you're in a very un-exclusive club. We all know handshake. We know the password. We all know the fight song. And we all know what you're going through. Sadly, it's not that unique. It never is.
You're recovery will kick into overdrive as soon as you realize that.
You're powerless over alcohol— your life has become unmanageable.
You're no different than any of us here. I'm not saying that to tear you down. I'm saying that to build you up. Alcohol has kicked each and everyone of us in the @ss. Whether you like it or not you're in a very un-exclusive club. We all know handshake. We know the password. We all know the fight song. And we all know what you're going through. Sadly, it's not that unique. It never is.
You're recovery will kick into overdrive as soon as you realize that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Well, I wouldn't say life is "unmanageable", as much as it looks like it here, where my problems are front and center under a huge microscope. But yes, I am fed up, newly "aware", and with an acute state of needing to act. And yes, I am learning every day from people here and my own experiences and personal "research" and doing all I can to keep things as right as they can be under the circumstances until a half-decent path to improvement of those circumstances becomes clear.
LexieCat saidI need to decide/define "what I am trying to achieve and why"......
Yup.
Trying here to fully construct in my mind what a best-case outcome to this mess will actually look like. Without that picture, that vision, I have no solid, rational plan of action and would just be lashing out randomly - - something I've learned only ever works out for the very lucky. So I march on day by day, doing my best for myself, my son, and yeah, even my wife (admittedly to a lesser degree than ever), who I have become eternally angry with (love? that's for me to work out).
I still haven't gotten past the anger yet. Don't know if/when I will. I am angry with my wife and her alcoholism.
Wouldn't it be great if life could work like the movies? The minute you "fall out of love" with someone, you just ride off into the sunset, leaving all your troubles behind? That's great for a novel read in a few hours or days, or a two hour movie with popcorn and a soda - but it ends there.
Real life is messy. You know, the things some folks here forget one has to do after exiting this forum and walking away from the keyboard: Eat, sleep, work, maintain home, vehicles, try to manage a family life no matter how dysfunctional it may be, work on their fitness or physical issues, maybe care for a pet or a loved one who is ill or ailing, work in some recreation for "metal health" if nothing else, spend some care-free time with a child or children, maybe do some self-improvement or learn something new, go to a meeting here and there, see a lawyer or other professional about business and personal affairs, take kids places, and spend too much time talking about the underlying issues on a forum ;-)
So as I build my knowledge and understanding and deal with life day to day (only a relatively small part of which can be "disease-focused"), I will work toward a solution that works for me and my life. I know it will come and I am moving toward it, but things didn't get all f'd up overnight (frog-in-pot) and they won't get fixed overnight either.
(believe me, things aren't happening fast enough for me either)
LexieCat saidI need to decide/define "what I am trying to achieve and why"......
Yup.
Trying here to fully construct in my mind what a best-case outcome to this mess will actually look like. Without that picture, that vision, I have no solid, rational plan of action and would just be lashing out randomly - - something I've learned only ever works out for the very lucky. So I march on day by day, doing my best for myself, my son, and yeah, even my wife (admittedly to a lesser degree than ever), who I have become eternally angry with (love? that's for me to work out).
I still haven't gotten past the anger yet. Don't know if/when I will. I am angry with my wife and her alcoholism.
Wouldn't it be great if life could work like the movies? The minute you "fall out of love" with someone, you just ride off into the sunset, leaving all your troubles behind? That's great for a novel read in a few hours or days, or a two hour movie with popcorn and a soda - but it ends there.
Real life is messy. You know, the things some folks here forget one has to do after exiting this forum and walking away from the keyboard: Eat, sleep, work, maintain home, vehicles, try to manage a family life no matter how dysfunctional it may be, work on their fitness or physical issues, maybe care for a pet or a loved one who is ill or ailing, work in some recreation for "metal health" if nothing else, spend some care-free time with a child or children, maybe do some self-improvement or learn something new, go to a meeting here and there, see a lawyer or other professional about business and personal affairs, take kids places, and spend too much time talking about the underlying issues on a forum ;-)
So as I build my knowledge and understanding and deal with life day to day (only a relatively small part of which can be "disease-focused"), I will work toward a solution that works for me and my life. I know it will come and I am moving toward it, but things didn't get all f'd up overnight (frog-in-pot) and they won't get fixed overnight either.
(believe me, things aren't happening fast enough for me either)
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by TheBob1
You know, the things some folks here forget one has to do after exiting this forum and walking away from the keyboard: Eat, sleep, work, maintain home, vehicles, try to manage a family life no matter how dysfunctional it may be, work on their fitness or physical issues, maybe care for a pet or a loved one who is ill or ailing, work in some recreation for "metal health" if nothing else, spend some care-free time with a child or children, maybe do some self-improvement or learn something new, go to a meeting here and there, see a lawyer or other professional about business and personal affairs, take kids places, and spend too much time talking about the underlying issues on a forum
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by LexieCat
You don't think the other people on these forums have to do the same kinds of things? We have lives, too. We are ACUTELY aware that none of this is simple. We are trying to share what has worked for us in terms of UNcomplicating things a bit.
Leaving home and divorce/custody hearings wouldn't UNcomplicate things, by my estimation.
Did I mention using the bathroom, brushing teeth, shaving, showering............? ;-)
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think we are trying to encourage you to work smarter, not harder. Most of your efforts have been focused, from what I can see, on how to force her to shape up, and/or keep your son out of "her problem." One of the reasons we keep talking about Al-Anon (and we aren't singling you out--this is something we would suggest to any newcomer) is that alcoholism is a family disease.
This disease affects ALL of you. And all of your attention is basically focused on her--what she's doing, what she might do. That, and "shielding" your son from her behavior (which I seriously doubt is working). Your son is affected not only by her behavior, but your behavior and the entire family dynamic, which is sick (the dynamic, that is).
Even with all the other responsibilities in our lives, most of us have managed to carve out time for our own recovery. Putting your energy into THAT, rather than trying to manage the unmanageable, would pay off for you more effectively than any other single thing you could be doing, IMO.
This disease affects ALL of you. And all of your attention is basically focused on her--what she's doing, what she might do. That, and "shielding" your son from her behavior (which I seriously doubt is working). Your son is affected not only by her behavior, but your behavior and the entire family dynamic, which is sick (the dynamic, that is).
Even with all the other responsibilities in our lives, most of us have managed to carve out time for our own recovery. Putting your energy into THAT, rather than trying to manage the unmanageable, would pay off for you more effectively than any other single thing you could be doing, IMO.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Let me take a stab... Bob, I think you've only recently come to the realization you can't "fix" her. (Yesterday? Day before?) You now realize she probably won't just wake up one day and say "I think I'll go to rehab!" You know that as soon as you confront her with YOUR boundary ("We choose not to live with an active addict in THIS house") the savage beast will be unleashed and will not back down and the "show's on". And your lives will be forever changed. Am I right? And that's scary. But perhaps that's just the action that starts the chain of events that will lead to a brighter future for you and your son?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Lexie and Refiner - I get it - really, and you are both right. Many thanks for additional explanations/clarifications.
I don't know if can wait to put a well-reasoned and laid out proposal or presntation to my wife. I am so fired up, all I can think to say is, You;re a damn drunk, you have ruined our precious son;s life and are ruining mine as well adn I want you "fixed" or out. Your few contributions to this household are negated a hundred times over by the damage you do! (Ahhhh, relief, yeah, something like that).
As you might guess, I am just as you have surely been yourselves: - More than a bit raw right now. Upset, angry, impatient, hurt, depressed, feeling pitiful and victimized on one hand and yet on the other, wanting to lash out and say "You won't control my life anymore - get out of my house!!" yelling at my wife of the "demons" that possess her - I don't care. I want to just go crazy, blow the GD lid off this thing and DEAL WITH IT, but its so much more intricate and dare I say subtle, nuanced than just that.
Hey, I just found out the lawyer who came highly recommended cannot see me for at least a month and is recommending others. The guy who is best known for specializing in this sh-- has also put me to others due to a packed calendar. I'm just effin' thrilled right now...
Thank God my son and I have some neat diversions this summer.
PS - Wife just did bottle changeout again in liquor cabinet and I ran across another boxed wine in her closet under some clothes where I was looking for one of my shoes that gets mixed in with hers sometimes. Eureka! Another discovery: This is why she puts ICE in her wine - - so she can pull from unrefrigerated stashes throughout the house and not have to come in to the kitchen/TV room when people may be there... Its like little land mines placed all around the house to make me have little blow-ups. F'ing great.
Well isn't that special?
Anyway - thanks for listening and staying engaged with me here; really.
I don't know if can wait to put a well-reasoned and laid out proposal or presntation to my wife. I am so fired up, all I can think to say is, You;re a damn drunk, you have ruined our precious son;s life and are ruining mine as well adn I want you "fixed" or out. Your few contributions to this household are negated a hundred times over by the damage you do! (Ahhhh, relief, yeah, something like that).
As you might guess, I am just as you have surely been yourselves: - More than a bit raw right now. Upset, angry, impatient, hurt, depressed, feeling pitiful and victimized on one hand and yet on the other, wanting to lash out and say "You won't control my life anymore - get out of my house!!" yelling at my wife of the "demons" that possess her - I don't care. I want to just go crazy, blow the GD lid off this thing and DEAL WITH IT, but its so much more intricate and dare I say subtle, nuanced than just that.
Hey, I just found out the lawyer who came highly recommended cannot see me for at least a month and is recommending others. The guy who is best known for specializing in this sh-- has also put me to others due to a packed calendar. I'm just effin' thrilled right now...
Thank God my son and I have some neat diversions this summer.
PS - Wife just did bottle changeout again in liquor cabinet and I ran across another boxed wine in her closet under some clothes where I was looking for one of my shoes that gets mixed in with hers sometimes. Eureka! Another discovery: This is why she puts ICE in her wine - - so she can pull from unrefrigerated stashes throughout the house and not have to come in to the kitchen/TV room when people may be there... Its like little land mines placed all around the house to make me have little blow-ups. F'ing great.
Well isn't that special?
Anyway - thanks for listening and staying engaged with me here; really.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by TheBob1
I don't know if can wait to put a well-reasoned and laid out proposal or presntation to my wife. I am so fired up, all I can think to say is, You;re a damn drunk, you have ruined our precious son;s life and are ruining mine as well adn I want you "fixed" or out. Your few contributions to this household are negated a hundred times over by the damage you do! (Ahhhh, relief, yeah, something like that).
As you might guess, I am just as you have surely been yourselves: - More than a bit raw right now. Upset, angry, impatient, hurt, depressed, feeling pitiful and victimized on one hand and yet on the other, wanting to lash out and say "You won't control my life anymore - get out of my house!!" yelling at my wife of the "demons" that possess her - I don't care.
Your wife didn't ruin your life. And she didn't ruin your sons' life either. You're all still alive. And everything your wife has done up to this point as far as ruin and destruction are concerned was allowed to happen and allowed to continue by your inaction, denial, and refusal to confront. I'm not judging you because I've been there and I've thrown the same shade at my alcoholic. But it's a boulder on your path of self-recovery and as much as I know you don't want to hear it or see it, I would feel bad for not pointing it out to you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
