chicory

Thank Ann.
It must have been such a nightmare, everyday, for you. I am happy that you have your life back now.

I have tried everything I know to help, trying not to enable, but I can see that this is what is happening now. He is making no forward progress. Just isolating in his room when he is here (which is most of the time unless his friends need help or have a party and come get him) he has no friends in this town. He has worked a week(approx.) in every business in town, it seems... burned bridges there , for sure.

I get strength from hearing the shares of other moms. We feel all alone, but obviously, we are not.

love and hugs

Fandy

No words of wisdom from me, Chic, but I do think you are well deserved of having some peace of mind...you are seeking that in coming here and FTF support. Your health, both mental and physical has to come first.

We cannot live our lives FOR our adult children, they have to own their behavior.

SoberLeigh

I am really late to the post and, like Fandy, I have no words of wisdom, only compassion. Hugs, chicory, and prayers.

Hevyn

Chic - You are loved here. We share your pain & frustration. I'm glad you posted, I hope it helps relieve your anxiety and stress a little.

I lost my much loved first husband to alcohol many years ago - my son's father. Then I ended up being brought to my knees by my own alcoholism. You would think I'd never have fallen victim to it after seeing what it did to my family! That just proves how bewildering it all is. Sharing here with all of you has meant the world to me & saved my life. I'm so happy we can hold each other up and talk about what's in our hearts.

Fandy

Chic, have you ever felt that you have missed out on opportunities for yourself because you have so much worry for your son? Has he in fact held you back from doing things and having more of a social life....

it can suck the joy right out of you when they rent so much space in your head....When you take back control, instead of constantly giving to him, give to yourself, you get some power back. Can you make him responsible for paying part of the bills? (I am thinking internet service).

PippiLngstockng

I understand being a persistent person who is used to being to make things work out one way or another. I am like that, too!

But there is no amount of effort, research, analysis - no right answer or approach or way to talk to an A that will make them see the light if they aren't ready.

That's why there's Al Anon. Because you have to let God and let go.

Hanging on and trying hard just keeps you on the crazy train with an A. And that seems to validate their drinking for them. When everyone steps off and they are the only ones left on the trip to h*ll, maybe then the A starts to wonder if maybe they want to get off themselves before the train finally crashes.

It must be horrible to have an alcoholic child. I have four kiddos and if one of them starts up a bad habit, they are in big trouble with me, because going through what I did with their father was a kind of h3ll I am not going back to.

Opivotal

((Chicory)) I can't help but stick with my original thoughts on your son. I see SO many members drinking because of anxiety or other mental health issues. They self medicate and it does help for a while, but eventually alcohol exacerbates the problem. When they go through withdrawal or stop drinking for a few days, their anxiety goes through the roof. Rather than seek medical attention they drink again to ease the symptoms. It's a rinse and repeat process.

Some do seek help, get medications, but drink on top of the pills. Mixing alcohol and pills never works. It's no picnic going through withdrawal, you have to want to be sober, more than you want to drink. At least that's been my experience.

Since he won't seek or admit he needs help, things will stay the same or maybe get worse. I agree with your decision to try Al-Anon. You've done your best sweet lady..it's time for you to find some inner peace and heal from your own trauma.

Do you have any idea how much he's drinking? Does he drink everyday?

CAPTAINZING2000

Little confused here. Were you at your son's house?

chicory

Opi, when he has money, as he does this week, he drinks almost constantly. He is on the internet, I know he watches porn and is probably addicted(though he calls it art)

He will drink til he wants to nap, then gets up and does it again. He stays in his room, unless I am gone. he is loopy almost anytime I have to speak to him. and tries to not sound it.

I smell beer, and there is a carryout within a stones throw from us. he made money helping a friend clean up his parents house when they moved and sold it. he will drink til it is gone.

I know he has anxiety, it runs in our family. Opi, I wish he would get some counsel, and maybe they help, but he wants the" good" pills, I believe,-opiates- and gets angry if anyone mentions antidepressants.

I am trying to detach. I dont ask him not to drink anymore. it is useless. I thought about waiting til he is out of money, and not drinking, and I want to ask him how he wants his funeral to be. where he wants to be buried, and perhaps I should take out some insurance on him. He just seems to be in his own world, happy when he is loopy.

funny, but I've seen him go for almost a year without drink. he got so much better, during that time. more social with the family, and actually planning things, or at least thinking about how futile planning is for him, in this economy. He is very loved by family. He was always a sweet little guy,, sort of like Luke Skywalker, in his manner and looks. it is heartbreaking to see him just drinking every day. I know he is depressed about his life, lost girlfriend years ago, now, and no good job prospects. He always thought he was going to get that fantastic computer job, he thought he did not need a degree, (besides, that would have taken away from his role playing games online, and whatever else.) he always has had things he wants to do with his time, on the computer. his dad even plays games with him online. neither one is thoughtful of anyone else, actually.

i do need the al-anon. I have tried for too long to do something myself. I give up.

Fandy, yes, I sure have missed out on some things. I cannot have my home like I want it. my computer/art room is his room now. I would not dare have a guy over for dinner. I cannot even have my grandbabies over for weekends now, when he is drinking i dont trust him not to make a scene.

I am tired. but thankful for SR. I have taken too long, or maybe it is as it had to be, for me to get desperate. I kept trying to believe him, you know?

chicory

Captainzing, I'm sorry. but he lives with me. I rent an apt. he stays in my spare room. He has never had his own place...and he is in his forties. He does not have any faith in his self.

chicory

Thank you everyone, for your heartfelt thoughts and compassion. its pretty much my own fault, but I grew up very dysfunctionally, believe me.

Hevyn- I can imagine and I understand. I am sorry you had to go through losing a loved hubby to alcohol. just too sad.

Opivotal

Oh Chicory, you're the most loving and giving person, I know. This is a heartbreaking situation to say the least. I wish I had answer for you, but I think in time, you'll find your own.

I know when I'm conflicted and can't seem to find an answer or make a decision, I let it be, until it's shown to me. The constant turmoil drives me crazy. Please don't beat yourself up, it serves no purpose but to make us feel worse. We certainly don't need anymore of that.

chicory

Opi, thanks, for caring. I believe as you do, that not being able to find the answer means I need to let go. He seems to be going further into a hole. I find that these days I am glad he isn't working, less money, less drinking. sad.

Fandy

I think that this thread is good for helping you discuss Chic, it's absolutely in the right spot, lots of knowledge and a safe place here....

just remember in the midst of all your worry, that YOU have a right to a happy life and other relationships, be it with your grandkids or the gentleman caller for a dinner or coffee...if he seems volatile you need to ask your daughter and his father to help you...shouldering this by yourself is enourmous.

chicory

My daughters have their own lives. marriages with challenges, too. one daughter has anxiety, a daughter with anxiety, and her hub is a drinker, who is working on his problem with alcohol and doing well. they surely do not need my son there causing problems. no one can fix him..no one should have to support him. it would break them, I think, as he would steal meds, drink, etc and my grandkids need to be protected at all costs.

Other daughter has son with behavior challenges, and this is super stressful for them, as they adore him and are getting him the help he needs. seems to be a control thing, and textures for eating difficulties. again, my grandbaby needs nothing of this in his life. I would rather my son live under a bridge than to burden his sisters, in turn hurting my grandkids.

HIs dad however, is a ball-less wonder. He took him not long ago, step wife agreed- with conditions: he be in bed by 11pm, every night (he's 42), computer off til 5 am, apply for jobs everyday, and help with whatever ..I know this woman, and I know that she set him up for failure, as she once vowed before to see him dead before she let him in her home to upset them. I understood that, and almost respected her for it.

but instead, they decide to help (dad gets depressed and she puts effort to appease him, as she has come between him and his kids many times). so, they offer to help, to get him a car, if he got a job, and help him set up home. in Savannah, Ga. A beautiful place, and son loved it. He worked each day to apply for jobs, got offers, did all the things and jumped all the hoops, until step mom came in one night to feel the computer, in the den, which he used, and it was warm at 4am. she went ballistic and insisted he go. dad went nutty too, as he has always been a wimp and cannot stand up to her.

son was broken about this, and begged for another chance. did not drink there,, just got on the computer one night, after going to bed at 7 pm, woke and was on for a while. they packed him up and brought him back to me. he was so depressed about it, he loved the town, and wanted nothing more than to live there and work. He felt hopeful as there were lots of opportunities jobwise.

of course, he made a bad decision when he broke her rule, so , it is his fault, but I would swear my life that she would have found some reason to sabotage his being there, even if he had not.

she is a selfish beothch, who admitted this to my daughter.... put clorox in her dads food when he was dying of cancer, and gave her mom extra sedative meds when she was dying of cancer. yikes. she is not sane. went to jail for embezzlement from two jobs. hubby never questioned the extra money??? acted innocent. he is stupid,and not beneath theft his self. She thinks I am a crazy woman and always tried to undermine me to my children. oh, I have resentments, I could write a book about his abuse before we even had children.

I should not think of how much I have hated their dad over the years, for not caring, or helping, and letting them down over and over. daughter always wanted to go on a fishing tournament with her dad, she is an excellent fisherwoman, but step mom would always decide to go with him at last minute, and he never had the b###s to do this for my daughter.

They expect nothing from him now. He stays at home, plays computer games with my son, and does whatever he wants. it was always so.

He is done, he wont help. He will send son the newest computer stuff, though.

chicory

If he gets volitile, Fands, I will call the police. He needs to be punished for frightening and terrorizing me, and I won't spare him anymore. Whats worse-a few days in jail, and a record, or more time alone pickling your brain?

I got married at 16, to escape my mom, who was an active alcoholic. She was abusive too. Verbal, and sometimes physical. I married someone who was as emotionally unavailable to me as my dad, who was long gone to Florida.
I had no license to drive, was alone with no phone, alone during his swing shift days and nights. He only took me fishing, because that is what he wanted to do. I loved it, but I sure was neglected, at 16 you are a child, still.
He bought a new car once, knowing I could not drive it- an AMX with racing stripes (junk really) and one night after a fight, I got in the car, in my nightgown and took off down the street in it! You should have seen him running behind the car..lol. I should have kept going.

I am sorry, but thinking of how this man hurt me, and then my kids, really makes me angry. and he still is making me pay for divorcing him, as he asked me to marry him again, two days before he married his thieving psychopath. I should have told her. I still may.

Fandy

let it all out Chic, it's poisonous to keep it inside you festering....yup, I think Al Anon might be a good outlet for you, try it?

btw, I wasn't insinuating that your daughters keep your son at their house, only that they support you and intervene if he gets over the line.

chicory

Oh, I wondered about that Fandy.. but I understand. I used to not be able to tell them, and I still dont tell them much, but they are better now at being a shoulder at times. I share little, so as not to burn them out. it is my fault that I am going through this, so I dont wanna cry about it much. I did here. but I was just full of anger last night. today it is fear and dread of the future-
sons in law are always here to support me, if I need them. they would love to just shake some sense into him,,of course, we all know that does not work. but, I can call them day or night. police are closer though.

hugs and thanks fands. al-anon is in my near future.

Impurrfect

Chiic - I'm really glad you are opening up with your feelings here. I wish I knew the answers, what would make things "click" in his mind but I don't. I do know I have an uncle and a cousin (not father and son) that both abused the heck out of everything and finally got straightened out when their mental health issues were addressed.

Unfortunately, I know it was prison for both of them. I know my family line is full of some of the hard-headest people I know and some have done good so it is possible.

Please know that you, your son and the rest of your family are always in my prayers. I do hope you find a good al-anon meeting. I think it will help to get real hugs (not that cyber hugs aren't awesome) from people who understand.

Take care of you, sweetie - you are dearly loved.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

hopeful4

Big tight hugs!