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On being powerless

Old 04-26-2014, 07:21 PM
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On being powerless

I have to brag a bit here. I have always been one who does not give up easily. I will find a way to do things that others give up on. I stick to it, and am quite inventive too. I amaze myself sometimes.. lol.

but I am angry tonight, as I listen to the pffffffft, the sound of beer cans opening in my sons room. He is 40, legal drinking age, twice over...ha.
and drinking is ruining his life. it ruined my parents lives. ruined mine and my siblings young lives. I struggle because of insecurities, shame, depression, etc. some of the left over stuff, you know.

I have a good job, for a person without a degree. I work hard, and take pride in my work. I am codependent and try too hard to help my kids with things... learning boundaries at my age.

but I cannot fight alcohol. I am losing. nothing I can do, to stop the progression of my sons drinking, so far. I have not found a way yet, to deal with this situation, other than making him homeless again. His philosophy is ' I don't even know he is here, he is quiet, keeps to his self. does not use much electricity, food, etc. I have this extra room, so what is the problem?'

the problem is, alcohol has been killing my family for years. If it was something mortal, I would fight it, and to the death, I would fight for my family. but , I can't. It holds them in its clutches, and I cannot beg, plead, reason, bribe, or anything, to help.

this is not how life should be. how can this poison be legal? how many lives are destroyed each day, how many children made miserable, sad and abused ? legal family destroyer. I hate it. if I could get my hands on it, I would strangle it, mercilessly, and laugh.

I am angry. My one family, my own mom, dad, lives ruined, and now my son, drinking like it is good for him.

its hard to watch, although he does not drink in front of me, how can someone ignore the fact that he is cooking his liver, and killing brain cells? He is a smart guy, how can this be so strong as to make him ignore the danger?

Thanks for reading this. I am just so angry tonight.
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Old 04-26-2014, 07:33 PM
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Old 04-26-2014, 07:47 PM
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I wish I had answers for you Chicory.

I know you want to fight and if you could you'd climb in the ring and fight your sons addiction yourself - but it has to be his fight.

I pray he has a moment of clarity, sees what he's doing, and decides to fight.

In the meantime, lean of the support you have Chic. Your care and concern shines - if love counts for anything, your son is a rich man

D
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Old 04-26-2014, 08:05 PM
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I am so afraid, because some people never see.

I know you are right, Dee. I hate posting something so negative, but how can I get the support and hugs(Suki) if I don't share what I am going through.

I am at a point where I know something has to change, and it aint gonna be pretty. Nothing changes if nothing changes.. I learned that here...

thanks so much, for the words and hugs. I feel so alone in this.
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Old 04-26-2014, 08:27 PM
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I don't think it was negative at all - it was honest - there's a big difference
and I can guarantee you, you're not alone

D
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Old 04-26-2014, 08:33 PM
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It's okay to be angry. Hate the disease and release that anger.
Have compassion for the alcoholic.

Has he ever been to rehab and does he even admit to having a problem?
What have you been doing for your own recovery?

((((chicory))))
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Old 04-26-2014, 08:37 PM
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Thank you Dee.
I was just thinking of a book I read years ago. The stages of grief was the subject. I sort of think that maybe if your loved one is an alcoholic/addict, you have to go through those stages. so you can get to acceptance, that we are powerless. then we do what we can for ourselves.
I waffle between anger, and depression. oh, and trying to bargain with God.

Thanks for being here, I am so grateful for SR. I would be a basket case if not for SR.
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Old 04-26-2014, 08:39 PM
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((HUGS)) to you, Chicory. I know that just the pfffft sound of a can opening STILL elicits a very real, very physical reaction for me, and I have not been around my AH while he was drinking in over six months. I know all too well how that sound triggers those feelings. I am sending you a prayer for serenity and peace tonight. May you sleep well and get the rest I am sure you need.
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Old 04-26-2014, 08:39 PM
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Old 04-26-2014, 08:41 PM
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keepingthefaith,

I do have compassion for him, that is for sure. I understand it is a disease. and I do hate it, with my being.

He will not admit to having a problem. He says I have the problem, since my parents were alcoholics, and that is why I fear alcohol and see his drinking as bad.

I keep hoping God will take care of this. And I feel that it is all up to me, to help my son. he has burned all bridges.
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Old 04-26-2014, 08:43 PM
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I think the Kubler-Ross stages of grief fit pretty well here too Chicory.
The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central
D
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Old 04-26-2014, 08:44 PM
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Thank you , for these comments, friends. and the prayers, hugs, and support. It helps
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Old 04-26-2014, 08:49 PM
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How is this effecting you?
Would you be healthier and have a better chance of your own recovery if he wasn't living with you?

There is no shame in asking others for help. Help for you. Help with dealing with him.

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Old 04-26-2014, 08:55 PM
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well, I am sure that I would be healthier if I was not stressed by his alcoholism. I did put him out of my home once before, he went to a homeless shelter, and was there for a few weeks. He seems to have no survival skills. maybe my fault, maybe not. I am exploring these things, and have been going to family to family meetings of Nami, to see if I can determine if he has a mental issue as well, which might prevent him from surviving without help.
he has never managed to be independent.
There is no one to ask to help. his dad wont help. friends have been there done that, with him. he has a weird sense of reality, blaming his troubles on everything else.
he has anxiety issues too. he may be adhd with that. but not sure.

I am thinking that I might have to make him leave if he wont get help of some sort. but how to make a 40 year old do that?
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Old 04-26-2014, 09:09 PM
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I didn't find friends or family helpful with trying to deal with my husband, either. I understand that well! Even doctors weren't of help, because we were asking the wrong ones.

Licensed Addictions Specialists and certain rehab centers were of help once I found the right ones to call and started to ask the right questions. There was no rhyme or reason, mostly just calling and trying again. It's hard to separate out the alcoholism from mental health issues or personality disorders. Maybe some mental health services could be of help with diagnosing, treatment and/or support for you. Has he always had problems, even before the alcoholism?

I also found out I could have called 911 or the sheriff's office if I was worried about him. If he was passed out drunk, if I didn't know what to do ...if he was just too drunk for me to deal with in any way. I could have called for help for myself. It may not have done any good for him, but I needed at some point to get help for me. Maybe calling on a regular basis would have shown us both that things were not right. Me trying to pretend it wasn't so bad didn't help at all.

Does he have a job, is this having an effect on his work?

Chicory, no easy answers, but your recovery is important. You are important. Baby steps. Easy does it. Progress not perfection.
You are smart and seem to be looking for answers. Work your own recovery faithfully and keep looking for guidance.

Are you scared of him at all? Does he argue with you when you bring up him leaving? Does he listen to suggestions from you in other areas of his life?
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Old 04-26-2014, 09:31 PM
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Thank you, keepingthefaith. You are very helpful. I have been thinking that the obvious thing, Al-anon, is what I need to be doing for me. I have called 911 before, and I will again, if I need to. The last time, the officer seemed quite educated about alcoholism, and enabling.
My son had issues of some sort, before the drinking, but they were more like anxiety, and/or attention deficit. He would get a job, lose it, and the most important thing in the world to him is his computer. always was. he has friends all over the world, he is active in the political ' discussions' , i guess you would say. he also donates his time helping people with computer problems.

he has never been independent, though he will argue that...crazy. he has no car now. does not work enough to pay for one. He gets a job , gets paid, spends the money on beer, and then when he calls off, (everyone does it!, he says) he gets canned or just does not show up, knowing he is going to get canned. this has gone on for the last three years I have been letting him stay here.

I have talked to the county mental health board, and he could get counsel, if he would agree. his pride wont let him, he isn't ready , I guess.

I will not give up, if it means I should only focus on myself, that is what I will do. I think Al-anon will give me needed strength. I realize something must change-that is why I am so depressed about it recently. facing reality is hard, especially when it is your adult child. I have a lot to learn myself.

thank you so much.
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Old 04-26-2014, 09:46 PM
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((((hugs))))

Meetings for you, finding something that makes you smile, even being aware of the good things in the world around us... little things can help. It's amazing all good in life I miss out on when I'm too wrapped up inside myself. Treat yourself well.

wise words posted here:

This is your life too.
Your life matters.
Your happiness is important.
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Old 04-26-2014, 09:49 PM
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Chicory - wow. That hurts my heart to read your post. I have no words that will mean anything. I have no idea what I would do, except pray. Prayers your way.
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Old 04-26-2014, 10:06 PM
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Thank you Raider... prayers much appreciated.

Keepingthefaith..thank you,for your time and thoughts. I really really felt a ping, when I read

This is your life too.
Your life matters.
Your happiness is important.
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Yes, it is my life too. I think that as a child, I learned to live with crazy, and so things that a normal person would not tolerate, doesn't faze me too much.

Al-anon is the answer, I think... I really believe it. I could feel it in the post you shared,worried about being stuck.

I want what you have!
a recovering A friend from work is bringing me a schedule of local meetings. I have avoided driving at night, but, its worth it at this point.

big hugs, and thanks for the hope, especially.
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Old 04-27-2014, 08:50 AM
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Chic, I have been where you are. Even though my son is an addict, the situation was much the same. My husband even gave him a job as a mechanic in his business so that he could have time off for his counseling and meetings during the day as well as working and have the dignity of a pay check to pay his own expenses.

It didn't work, the money went to drugs and the time off went to buying them as he'd say he was going to a meeting...but you know how that works.

My son overdosed 3 times in my home and if I had not been there and called 911 I am certain he would have died. This played on my mind as my home became a war zone and we were all sinking with him into that dark hole of addiction. I kept thinking "if I throw him out, he will die". He too refused rehab, refused help of any kind. The truth is, he might die in my home or he might die outside it, but only God has the power over life and death.

When the day came where I could not live like that anymore, I gave him a list of rehabs and numbers, a list of shelters, a list of meetings and a list of places like the Social Services Office, where he could sign up for some kind of relief. I gave him a bus pass for a month and paid for a month in a reasonable place...no palace but clean and safe...and groceries, and I told him that he had some hard choices to make, just like I had just done and that he could choose to move forward and get help, or he could choose to continue his using and go wherever that led him.

Chic, by the time I reached that place where I could actually do that, I had already buried him a hundred times in my mind because every day he risked his life when he took drugs. By the time I could do that, I was just like you and could see how sick his addiction was making ME and I could not live one more day like that or I knew I would surely die.

So I found meetings and support, I found SR and I found a faith in a God who loves all His children, even his addicted ones, and each morning I say a prayer and give my son's care to God, then I live my day in faith that God can do for my son what I cannot, and I leave the rest between them.

I know your pain, I know how hard it is to be us, I know and my heart hurts for you. If love could save our addicted kids, we wouldn't be here and these boards would be empty. So we do what we can and give the rest to God because in the end He's the only one with any power here, always has been always will be.

I hope you go to your meetings and find peace that will give you the clarity to do what is right for you. That may or may not be what was right for me, but you will know in your heart that you are doing what you must, whether you choose to let him stay or show him his alternatives. We feel better about our decisions when we are balanced and healthy when we make them.

Big hugs from my heart to yours.
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