sweetteewalls

I am still so angry with my separated AH. I am lying here and nights remain to be the worst. I haven't slept well in 3 months. I feel like I am nowhere closer to getting over it, his abandonment. I am just as angry and feeling deserted as if he just walked out the door yesterday. I see a therapist, I read, I journal, I go to Alanon and still, I have the unhealthiest of thoughts.

I want him to feel the pain he is causing me. He doesn't feel pain because he nums himself with alcohol and women. I want him to know how good he had it with me, what a terrific wife and partner I was, how unconditionally I loved him...I want him to hurt. I know those are unhealthy thoughts but that's what's on my mind. I told myself I would use this site and not contact him. A girlfriend came over tonight and it was nice and she left and I'm right back to where I was...

How can a man abandon his family, including his 4 year old daughter and just walk around like its nothing, like he just hasn't wrecked our family. I hate him. I know this post is seething with anger but I need to get it out...He is an awful person and I deserve so much more than what he gave me.

I hope this anger goes away. I'm normally a fun loving person but these days, I'm just pissed and no fun to be around. I'm sorry for the negativity. I just feel so jilted. He gets to walk away, live the fun life with no responsibilities and here I am...left to make it ok for myself and our baby girl. This pain and anger will not subside.

neferkamichael

Please don't let the anger get the best of you sweetteewalls. I know this isn't the exact situation you're in, but I hated my older brother, was angry at him for 26 years and the only thing I did was waste my time being angry.

PHIZ007

take each day as it comes......I understand the anger..... when I feel angry I try and work through it...for me it has faded the more I face reality if that makes any sense.

We are still living together....and sometimes I too feel hate towards him (particularly at night when he is drunk and verbally abusing me)...however the more I accept that I don't wish to continue living like this the less angry I am.......my anger has def subsided over the years. Sometimes I just feel really really sad about it all.

My advice is to keep doing what your doing.....keep busy and you will get there. Take care Phiz :0)

Adventure

Hi Sweet

I think anger is going to be the thing I struggle with most for a very long time. I have an incredible amount of anger in me, and while I've learned to handle it most of the time, it's definitely still there.

A few years ago, I had one of those calendars where there's a different message every day. I was going through a particularly bad few days with AH and was a raging, infuriated, out of control lunatic. On this date the message read

For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness

I tore the page off the calendar and have kept it with me ever since. It is easier said than done not to be angry when we are angry, but I use this almost as a mantra. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it does.

Hope you can eventually work through some of your anger. Don't fight it, let it come, but try to find ways of not dwelling on it either (wish I knew how to do this lol)!!

Adventure

Seren

Sweetteewalls Three months really isn't a lot of time compared with the amount of time the two of your spent together. Be kind to yourself and continue to work with your therapist to get all of your anger out and spent.

This, right here, seems to me to be the heart of the matter. What he did was horrible. You did not deserve it, and you do deserve much, much better treatment than he is capable of providing.

You will neither be able to extract enough penance from him to satisfy your anger, nor will you be able to get him to 'see the light' and be a good and upstanding husband to you and father to your child.

So, try to think about what your anger is actually going to do for you. Will it change him at all? No, even seething, raging anger has no control over an active alcoholic. Will it change you at all? Sadly, yes, it can turn you into someone you simply do not want to nor deserve to be.

I hope today will be a bit brighter, a bit easier, a bit better!

Learn2Live

I do know how you feel sweetteewalls, as AXBF walked out on me almost 2 months ago and I have done nothing but cry since then. Sometimes the pain is unbearable. I feel dead inside, no joy, no happiness, just dead.

What I do know is that you have to let yourself grieve this loss. If that means crying, screaming, hitting a pillow, going outside and breaking something, do it. Have you found a way to let the anger out? How about running?

I did some anger management work with a therapist once and she said when you are angry at someone, examine your expectations of them. Yes, everyone likely would agree that when a man fathers a child his a$$ should clean up his act, go to work, and make money and take care of wife, home, and child. But that is often not the reality is it? There is sickness, great sickness, in this world where men abandon their wives and children but also worse. Where they come home drunk or on drugs or both and beat their children, create fights, yell and scream, bring home other drug addicts and smoke crack in your house. Mothers and fathers who take their children on drug deals with them. The point? It could be worse. He could still be there, drunk, doing all kinds of things in your house. Bringing STDs back to you.

I know you are angry and probably sad that he is gone. But think of the alternatives. Read all the other posts about what people are putting up with in their homes and their daily lives. Your home should be your sactuary, a place of peace. I don't know that I've heard of any alcoholic home being described as a place of peace. Without him there, you have the opportunity to make your home and your lives peaceful and serene. Get the anger and the nastiness he brought to you out.

One last thing. You said you have been going to Al-Anon. Do you have a Higher Power? Several times I have been so distraught, mind-racing, and I have called out to my HP for help and help came. My HP calmed my mind and gave me the strength to be able to not think about AXBF.

Anger is no good. Bad for the body. You have to actively take measures to get yourself out of it.

LifeRecovery

I learned a lot about anger with grief recovery work.

Five stages: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance.

They are all part of the grief process (for death, for divorce, for not having needs met etc).

I am coming up on two years separated. I have been through the process once (w/out acceptance), I am working through it again without denial. Learning that the emotions from this were normal, and that if I choose to "stuff" them down I was only going to drag them out even further.

There is a big difference from anger when you are working on your recovery and unresolved anger that is never looked at. Just the fact that you posted here means you are working on it.

Also there are positives in FEELING anger, it is how we choose to ACT on it that can get us into trouble. When I saw that anger helped me to set boundaries, not get taken advantage of and get things MOVING it actually was a good thing. I suspect there is some of that for you also.

Finally when I beat myself up about the anger I just made myself feel worse...and more stuck.

In affair work they say it takes 2-5 years to heal from it. I have found it to be true in terms of time. I have not seen data on time for healing with addiction in the family.....but I do know that at three months I was still really struggling with shock, denial etc.

Jazzman

I agree with the 2 to 5 years. I first went through it when we split, then again a few years later when she died. Even with a double whammy I can tell you it does get better. Give it time and you'll see. He's the one that lost out, not you.

m1k3

I am what I call a half-assed Buddhist. One of the things Buddhism teaches is that everything has causes and conditions. This means when you are angry there is always a reason for being angry.

When I looked in to the causes and conditions of my anger I was surprised at what I found. I found that my wife's behavior was a condition of my anger. The cause was I had expectations that weren't being met. I expected her to behave one way and she didn't. As they say expectations are future resentments.

Once I let go of the expectations the anger faded pretty quickly. Not that I don't get flashes every now and then but now at least I know the source.

Step 1 in the program covers this pretty well. I was powerless over alcohol, her decisions to put it above us and to be honest I was powerless to control her in any way. Any control I thought I had was just an illusion. Giving up this illusion of control laid the foundation of my recovery.

I can see now that almost every time I am angry it is because I am disappointed that my expectations were not met. By doing my breathing meditation I can return to the moment and let go of my expectations for the future. It will happen exactly as it happens and all I can control is how I choose to react to it.

I hope this helps,

Your friend,

BlueSkies1

I am (probably only one of) the queens of anger. I'm an expert at it. I can seethe for years...yes years, without relief, consistantly, without reprieve.

It's a miserable place to be. The alcoholic can numb themselves out, and maybe they even have useful real skills to alleviate their anger that I don't.
I learned the ability for great anger from my father, whose hair trigger temper coupled with his high expectations, passed onto me an ability to judge others without compassion when they crossed the line into "stupid".
Unfortunately this also backfires onto oneself as self-judgment. What psychologists call the "critical parent" living in our heads.

Eventually I wore myself out. I aged 10 years in 5 physically. I smoked like a chimney, saw red from the moment I woke up until I went to bed. I should have had a massive heart attack like my father did, but for some biological reason I didn't-being younger or female or whatever it was.

When we're separated we have to stop letting them "rent space in our head for free". Start charging them! Take your control back, take your life back.

Put aside your judgment of him, and your self-criticism for having been in a relationship with him...set that junk aside..do not let it dictate the path of your life, your love, your heart, your soul, and do this below whenever you can...

Once upon a time you were a happier young girl or woman who had not yet even met this man. You found joy in life in play, in watching nature, and in so many simple things--the wonders and miracles of life and being alive. Curiousity...amazement...beauty...joy...love...hum or.
That girl is long neglected. Nurture her.
You loved life long before you ever knew this man existed, and you can love life long after he is gone.
Reconnect with her. Start with her favorite rope-jumping songs if you have to--go back--look at old pictures of her--think about HER...not him. She wants to dance and sing again, just happy to be alive on a sunny day.

Don't let your life be dictated by some unhappiness that came your way. He is gone now. Life goes on, and it doesn't go on forever--so don't waste it with him in your head...look around you! There is beauty and amazing things to discover everywhere.
I know it is sometimes easier said than done...don't forget--I'm one of the queens of anger. Nobody could stay angry CONSTANTLY every waking moment for five years?
I did. The madness inside me had to end. I was completely worn out.
I had to remember that girl in a photograph, and go back to being her.

ShootingStar1

Wow, that's quite a post, Mike. I will really think about what you said.

BothSidesNow

Alucard

Its ok to be angry. A lot of people have this undying love and devotion to the alcoholic spouse and figure that trite sayings from anon groups help them make it through the night. Not me. "I didnt create it, cannot control it and didnt cause it....Let me add to that, I cancelled its contract"....Be angry. As angry as you want. Call him "it" if you please.

m1k3

Dude, I don't know where you are getting your information about Alanon. It you went to a group that was like that then they were way out of line by the standards for any of the groups I have attended. A good way to look at it is think of Alanon as group therapy. Their purpose is to help you get better. Whether you choose to stay or leave is strictly your own choice and Alanon takes no position on that. I know because I left over a year ago and am in the process of a divorce.

What I get from Alanon is a set of tools that help me live a saner life.


Sorry for the derail but I thought that it was important to give a clear explanation of what Alanon really does especially for those folks who are considering attending. It doesn't mean there aren't dysfunctional groups out there and that is why it is important to attend more than 1 meeting at more than 1 group. Not all of them, even the good ones, are the right fit for you.


Your friend,

Tuffgirl

Yes, this!

It isn't that your anger "fades", its "re-purposing" the anger by acceptance.

And acceptance that this is the only way, right now, helped a lot for me to let go of the anger. Now, don't get me wrong, I am hugely disappointed that my marriage worked out the way it did. I do feel many things were done "wrong" for my preferences. But I recognize these are my preferences. My stbx...his preferences...that I would shut up and think he's wonderful. That my thoughts, opinions, values, ideals would all match his to a T. That having an intimate relationship would be easy. And you know what? There IS a woman out there who will act like this - for a while at least - but not me. And that's ok. There is no right or wrong, really. It just is.

And P.S. I separated from the stbx in January of 2011. We "tried" for a while, but really, I've been distancing myself for some time. This that I wrote above...well...its' been almost 2 years in the making.

JenT1968

anger is just a feeling, just like joy and boredom and all the rest of them are.

I think maybe you are doing yourself a dis-service? you are able to enjoy a good time with your pal - could you have done that the day he walked out? I bet in reality this is progress.

maybe it's just not as much progress as you would like or feel you "should" have got through by now? in which case specifically talk to your therapist about that?

I don't think processing anger is any more "wasted time" than I think processing fear/hunger/happiness is. It's all growth.

perhaps you are feeling a lot of anger because you have a lot of anger to feel?

As far as I can see you're doing all the right stuff to get through this: NOT stuffing your feelings, venting to people who understand, carrying on with your life, enjoying the things you can, seeing a therapist.

Cut yourself some slack, acknowledge that this situation isn't fair, allow yourself to grieve, I entirely trust you'll come through this in your own good time.

JenT1968

yep, time....

I am divorced from my AH, have been seperated for 3 years, I mostly have no anger towards him, and that is about my expectations of him/life etc BUT not even being a half-arsed buddist (wink) I had to process an enormous heap of anger before I got to that point, for a long time.

and I feel a lot of that anger covered up an intense sadness, and frankly I feel that the anger kept me alive and strong for a while - because it was powerful and protected me from the full crushing weight of the sorrow until I was strong enough to deal with that feeling.

soemtimes I still get blindsided and the anger rushes up, but it's more like a habit-reaction that I can catch, note and decide not to pursue as it wells up.

you'll get there. (())

Alucard

You didnt derail anything. Al anon taught me the 3 c's....I added the 4th myself, as the 3 c's to me were meaningless. I got pro active and it helped with the anger. My attorney did more for my peace of mind than a month full of Al Anon.

ZiggyB

Mike,
This is great. I also have found some relief in my anger through Buddhism. Yes I am pissed off at my ex for the things he did and said to me, but there's also a way in which I have tried to be compassionate, I feel sorry for him that he has this disease. No, that doesn't mean that I want him back in my life but I am able to forgive and realize he was not the man I needed him to be, so it's better that he's gone.

Sadly anger does not really hurt the person we are angry at, as much as it hurts ourselves and destroys our peace of mind.

m1k3

You just made me think of a good Buddhist quote.

Anger is like holding a hot coal in your hand, waiting for the chance to throw it at someone.

Your friend,

Alucard

It hurts, but the pain in the hand is minimal compared to the feeling of satisfaction of tossing it at the adversary's head and watching it howl.