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The anger is NOT fading

Old 07-27-2012, 11:09 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I am what I call a half-assed Buddhist.
I have this image of you trying to sit and meditate like Buddha and falling over because you only have half an ass...

But seriously.
Anger.

For me, anger served a purpose.
I had spent 20 years squashing my anger (it was AXH's prerogative to be angry -- there was no space for anyone else's anger. Or other feelings for that matter) and letting it out was actually healthy. Post-alcoholic-marriage, I have had to re-teach myself to have my feelings. And express them properly. It was a revelation to me that I could get angry without bad things happening. It was a revelation to me that anger could be something positive. And the positive for me was that anger kept me remembering the bad stuff. Being angry kept me from feeling sorry for him. Wondering about how he was doing. And all that codie stuff I was so prone to doing.

So while in general, I think the half-assed-Buddhistery has it right -- let's not underestimate the power of taking back your right to your own emotions.
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Old 07-27-2012, 11:27 AM
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I am starting Kenpo Karate classes on Monday in order to channel some of this anger into something positive. I nearly got into 2 streetfights, where I wanted to cripple people for percieved wrongs that existed only in my head.
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Old 07-27-2012, 11:30 AM
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lillamy, I agree 100%. Anger was the motivator for getting me moving. Once I got moving giving it up was the starting point for my healing.

BTW, I do most of meditation sitting on the edge of my bed. It gives me much better support due to my affliction. I got tired of hitting my head on the floor.

Your friend,
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Old 07-27-2012, 01:56 PM
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Good heavens...is this what happens when you let go of anger? ; )

Gives us all something to look forward to - a wonderful sense of humor! Life is funny...
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Old 07-27-2012, 02:15 PM
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The best revenge is a life well-lived. Being angry is a waste of time. It's like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

How about maybe make a list of all the good things about him being gone. I have found that gratitude, practiced daily, is a great help. And...just because it appears he is living a care-free life, doesn't mean it's true. I'd much rather be the one with a home and a beautiful child who looks up to me and loves me and knows that I love them.
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Old 07-27-2012, 02:23 PM
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It takes time. Don't be too hard and yourself...and vent away!
2.5 years ago I had so much hatred and it spewed into other areas of my life. I couldn't imagine ever wanting to be involved with another man, A or not.

Today I am only rarely triggered by something from the past. I have been able to open myself up to a new (healthy) relationship.

It takes time, but things will get better for you!
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Old 07-27-2012, 05:32 PM
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I am starting Kenpo Karate classes on Monday in order to channel some of this anger into something positive.
That's a great way to deal with it.
I have a friend who started training martial arts in order to control his anger.
It worked remarkably well. He's very, very, very calm. So calm people can't believe he ever had issues controlling his anger.
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Old 07-27-2012, 06:52 PM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
I found that my wife's behavior was a condition of my anger. The cause was I had expectations that weren't being met. I expected her to behave one way and she didn't. As they say expectations are future resentments.
I just wanted to sincerely thank you for your post about anger and expectations. I really needed that reminder tonight.

My husband has managed to crawl into bed fully dressed, complete with muddy shoes!

I have always expected a person to at least take their muddy shoes off before getting into bed, but I guess I have some more work to do on managing my expectations.

I'm going to be sleeping on the sofa tonight. But first I'm going to do a little meditation using a package of dark chocolate brownies as my focus.

Guess what I'm having for breakfast in the morning?

There, I feel better already.

Thanks again.
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Old 07-27-2012, 07:00 PM
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When I was going through the 24/7 seething phase, here are a couple of mind tricks that I worked out to help me.

Every time I started thinking about how much I hated my then AHDAW (alcoholic husband dating another woman) and wanted him to suffer, I visualized it as him knocking at the door of my heart, which was a big red room. I would imagine myself nailing heavy boards across the door, shoving large pieces of furniture against the door, and cranking up a stereo so I couldn't hear him. So I wouldn't let him in. This sounds super ridiculous as I write it, but I used this mental image a LOT in those days. I needed relief from being consumed by anger. It was awful.

Oh, and the other one was this: I thought of all the things that I wanted the new me to be (happier, loved, NOT ANGRY all the time, successful etc), and I took a section of my hair and "braided her into it" so that it-- she-- would be a part of me constantly. After I felt like I had started to become that person I let it out, I didn't need it any more.

And, the rage does go away.

I'm not hugely proud of this, I try not to dump too many of my own emotions on my daughter (and still be honest with her), but I asked her a couple of years ago who she thought was happier, me or her dad. "You," she said emphatically, without stopping to think about it
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Old 07-27-2012, 07:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Hypatia View Post
I'm going to do a little meditation using a package of dark chocolate brownies as my focus.


Ohmmmmmmmm.....
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Old 07-27-2012, 08:24 PM
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Sweet, trust me. I know how you feel. Belive me. I do feel the same way somtimes. I have noticed it comes a goes. I do belive we have every right to be angry. It's unbelievable the **** they put us and our children through. It's hard to let go and let god sometimes. All i will say is your responsible for the effort ,not the outcome. Meaning, do for yourself and f everyone else. We cannot take back what they did. But we can take "us" back. Go to meetings,gym, anything to make yourself feel better. Be angry. Then be happy of what you have and will get...
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Old 07-27-2012, 11:25 PM
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Thanks everyone...for your responses. I am still angry but I am going to try to work on it. Expectations? I guess I am angry because I expected that if we both put in the work when he was 9 months sober...going to those outpatient groups, family night, significant other night, meetings, therapy, I believed naively that if we did all the right things, we would get the right results. He was sober for 9 months and then it got "too hard" and he just walks away with no thought to me or our family. I expected results if we put in the work. I expected him to care about his wife and children. I expected him to treat me with respect and try to appreciate a wife that hung in there all this time and supported him. Needless to say, none of my expectations were met and so yes, I am very angry. I wish I would have walked away long ago. Not just angry at him, angry at myself too for believing in someone who was such an awful human being and abused me for so long.
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Old 07-28-2012, 06:48 AM
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I can't tolerate resentments. When I feel rage at someone I ask myself: "what's MY part in this?". It takes the focus off the obsession and lets me work on my own part in a bad relationship". Hey, it works and that's all that's important.
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Old 08-04-2012, 12:32 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
:
For me, anger served a purpose.
I had spent 20 years squashing my anger (it was AXH's prerogative to be angry -- there was no space for anyone else's anger. Or other feelings for that matter) and letting it out was actually healthy. Post-alcoholic-marriage, I have had to re-teach myself to have my feelings. And express them properly. It was a revelation to me that I could get angry without bad things happening. It was a revelation to me that anger could be something positive. And the positive for me was that anger kept me remembering the bad stuff. Being angry kept me from feeling sorry for him. Wondering about how he was doing. And all that codie stuff I was so prone to doing.

So while in general, I think the half-assed-Buddhistery has it right -- let's not underestimate the power of taking back your right to your own emotions.
Lillamy

I am sorry to hijack this thread but I have been thinking about this post enough recently that I went back and found it. I think you posted something else about anger too....but finding this one was enough.

I just want to thank you (and mlk) for this thread. It is really helping me work my learning edge of anger.

I am pretty unfamiliar with anger. I can remember being really mad twice when I was in the 8th grade, for a bit when I was 16 (but it was a fine line with depression), and the stirring of anger/anger in the last two years. I don't tend to fly off the handle, but I do tend to stuff it and take it on as my own. Depression I am more familiar with.

I don't fear being and staying angry forever. That is just not my make up. Reading how other have experienced anger (an HP given emotion) that helps to keep us safe has made me feel more okay about this.

I appreciate that this post was not about stuffing the feelings down (I did enough of that for a long time), but that feeling our emotions and learning what to do with them is the key.

Just thanks to you both.
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Old 08-04-2012, 01:32 PM
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Oh I've been there and it's terrible. It's like carrying 1,000 pounds on my shoulder. Especially since I knew the x was sleeping very well at night. However, there's a Buddhist saying that we're not punished for our anger but with our anger.

What helps me deal with anger is writing a list of MY part in a situation. How did I contribute to the terrible pain. In some cases it's that I picked him, got warning signals and ignored them. When I realize I'm not a real victim the anger goes right out of me.
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Old 08-04-2012, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
Oh I've been there and it's terrible. It's like carrying 1,000 pounds on my shoulder. Especially since I knew the x was sleeping very well at night. However, there's a Buddhist saying that we're not punished for our anger but with our anger.

What helps me deal with anger is writing a list of MY part in a situation. How did I contribute to the terrible pain. In some cases it's that I picked him, got warning signals and ignored them. When I realize I'm not a real victim the anger goes right out of me.
Thanks NYC, but I lived for years taking it on that it was ALL my fault. Now that I am starting to sort that stuff through it actually feels like progress to feel anger (because it is not self-directed probably) I am not seething in it, nor stuck in it, just struggling sometimes because we often get the message that it is negative to have the anger, and this post helped me to hold onto that that is not always the case (though it certainly can be).

My wise therapist said that I am a barrel of water almost full from my years of stuffing. Any slight jostle right now and the water will spill, or in my case an emotion is present. Tears, anger, laughter....right under the surface. I have started to cry at commercials, get angry at politics, and laugh outloud which I never did before. It is not always according to social dictates, but it does feel more genuine and real. She helped to remind me that the barrel is full from my whole life...and I am in the "in between place," right now trying to get rid of the old, but with not a lot of the new there to take its place.

It is so helpful to hear what has worked for others and not feel so alone in emotions. That is what I appreciate about this board.
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