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saying hello and need support

Old 02-03-2011, 11:06 AM
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saying hello and need support

Just found this forum, and could really use the support and advice right now. I've been living with my boyfriend for 6 years now, and have been through the ringer with his drinking problem.
I've been hit, shared with friends, pimped out for money, emotionally abused, struggled with alcholol myself. Sometimes i would just want to get drunker than him to escape him, I've tried drinking just there would be less for him, I've gone weeks without drinking so he would be forced to drink alone, I've tried pleading with him to not drink, telling him he has a problem. I'm done, I will never have another drink in my life. I want to go to AA meetings so badly, but he's so controling he won't let me, or says I can go if he comes too. As much as I want him to go, I want to go to seperate meetings so I can be open about everything but he won't let me.
He's lost 2 jobs, gotten into a boating accident, nothing is sacred to him it seems, he will get drunk in front of his kids, drink while he is driving.... one time he somehow managed to get through a dui checkpoint and it gave him this feeling of "I can handle myself i don't have a problem" .... he doesn't see that this is destroying him and us.
The kicker is I love him, I believe he is a good person but I can't keep being hurt over and over again. I am so afraid if I leave he will not be ok, that he will get so drunk he will seriously hurt himself or wind up dead. Everything I read online says that this is the only way to help him though.
I think I have made the choice to leave, for both of our sakes. But I do not have the courage of my convictions.... I am so used to taking care of him, of being needed by him. As much as I have been hurt by him, and as many things that have happened that I can't forgive him for.... I don't doubt he loves me, and I love him. I just feel so tired, like it would be so easy to stay. I am so tired from the past years that I don't know where to find the strength to make, and carry through with this decision. I have the support of a great friend. I have confided in my cousin, and I did that to committ myself to getting help, and out of this situation.
I am so worried I will procrastinate, find excuses to stay.
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Old 02-03-2011, 11:18 AM
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Hello justsotired and welcome!

It sounds like you want help for yourself and you've come to the right place! There will be folks along very soon who helped me more than they will ever know. I just want to welcome and encourage you. Things can be better! No one can help him but himself. One thing that helped me a lot was to read the stickys at the top. They have tons of useful information to educate yourself on the disease of alcoholism.
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Old 02-03-2011, 11:21 AM
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I am sorry you are having so much hurt and pain right now. One good thing about this forum is that you will be forced to see your problem and begin acting in your own best interest. It sounds like you already know that this situation is no good for you and your emotions. That is such an awesome first step. Getting out of denial is brutally hard and it just hurts. It feels like your heart is breaking.

Day by Day you will get stronger. Do not think that the problem will magically go away. You will have to dig deep for courage and strength and begin the process of making changes in your own best interest.

Alanon would be helpful for you. If you are genuinely afraid of him, I would definitely recommend talking to an abuse counselor or perhaps one close friend, sister, or family member who can help you figure out how to do what is best for you safely. Please continue to post here. You will find support and encouragement. We all have felt similair pain.
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Old 02-03-2011, 11:28 AM
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Originally Posted by justsotired View Post
I've been hit, shared with friends, pimped out for money, emotionally abused, struggled with alcholol myself. I don't doubt he loves me, and I love him.
Welcome!!!


Maybe I'm wrong, but that doesn't sound much like love to me.

You might want to introduce yourself in the "Newcomers to Recovery" forum.
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Old 02-03-2011, 11:31 AM
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Let me say--your post is very alarming to an outside view.

Pimping you out for money? That is NOT love. That's severe abuse.

Please call a woman's shelter just to understand how they would help you should you need it to leave this man. They understand. They have dealt with situations like yours many times over. Even if you stay, they will talk to you. No harm can come from that, it is just talking. They will not reject you if you are unable at this time to leave. They understand this stage of a relationship very well.
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Old 02-03-2011, 11:53 AM
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*big hugs* and welcome..

At the risk of me getting a rep for being a bit 'tough love'.. I have to say.. I've been hit, shared with friends, pimped out for money, emotionally abused

That, is NOT love. That, is NOT coming from a good person. That, is someone using and abusing you in quite frankly a horrific way. Sweetheart, love is cherishing you and being glad you are in his life. It's caring about your well-being and not doing anything intentionally to harm that. It's not all Disney and perfect.. love can be downright painful and crazy making at times.. but REAL love is not cruel, abusive and harmful.

I urge you to get help.
I know why you are tired. I've been there.
I know why you are clinging to him. I've been there.
I know you can do a whole heap better. I'm there!

My BF loves me. I know this because I too have experienced the kind of 'love' you are talking about. It's the polar opposite to the 'love' I knew with my ex. With my ex, the kind of crazy I had was setting up fake suicides, verbal abuse and other nuttiness.. with my (non-A) BF, the craziest he gets is spending ages, in the wee small hours of the morning, setting up elaborate ways to record a MP3 of him reciting Pablo Neruda love poems!
See the difference?

Tx
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Old 02-03-2011, 11:54 AM
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i know, I've spent so long making excuses for his behavior, listening to his put downs and trying to do what I can to feel good enough for him. Like If I can be strong enough, and take care of everything that he will be happy or at least at a place where he is ready to give up drinking. I know it is very twisted to think that way but that's where I've been mentally. I am seeing now how I have been enabling his addiction and allowing myself to be a victim of it. I have spent so long pretending that there isn't a problem, that it is kind of shocking to me to see my life for what it is.
I have no freedom, he checks all my emails, phone calls, all my money has gone to him. I am trying to plan an exit strategy put having to hide everything is so hard. I told him i am opening my own bank account Friday, I am so scared what the fallout will be if I do. If it comes to that I will walk out without anywhere to go but I am trying to get enough put aside so that I may ... be able to get a little space of my own.
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Old 02-03-2011, 11:58 AM
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Oh, and thank you guys for just hearing me, it is so long since I have been heard it might not seem like much but it seems so big to me, it makes a huge difference. to be able to overcome the shame of saying this is what I've been going through and not get shunned is huge to me, I feel so dirty and alone so thank you so much
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Old 02-03-2011, 12:01 PM
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Originally Posted by justsotired View Post
Oh, and thank you guys for just hearing me, it is so long since I have been heard it might not seem like much but it seems so big to me, it makes a huge difference. to be able to overcome the shame of saying this is what I've been going through and not get shunned is huge to me, I feel so dirty and alone so thank you so much
You're loving, beautiful, resourceful and stronger than you will ever know. You are not dirty.. and you are certainly not alone.

Tx
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Old 02-03-2011, 12:03 PM
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It is easier than you think. Just pack up your stuff and leave. he is completely controlling you. And you are letting him. You want to leave. Go back and read your posts. If he is this controlling, it won't be long until he finds this forum and figures out your posting. then that will be the end of that.

Get your exit strategy and press.

if you don't, the next 20 years will just be a blurr. Take a read from those of us who stayed and hoped for better. It doesn't get better.

Good luck.
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Old 02-03-2011, 12:05 PM
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Revealing your secrets is the first step to seeking wellness. You've let some secrets out. You've begun the process. Keep going! This is how you get well. You made that very first step. You won't know which steps to take next, like walking blindfolded sometimes. But that's ok. Grab every little enlightening light bulb moment of thought you can, and hold onto them. It's one thought at a time, it really is.
You didn't get this deep into a sick relationship overnight, and you won't heal overnight either. Be patient with yourself.
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Old 02-03-2011, 12:18 PM
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I lived with a controlling abuser and kept hoping things would change, kept telling myself it would get better. The controlling does not stop, alcohol does not make someone controlling, it only enhances what they already are. I did not think I would get out of my relationship alive. I spent 25 years hoping and praying for him to change. It was I who finally got the courage to change, to stop allowing someone who professed their love for me to control my every move.

My life is so much better now and I look back and wish I had done it so much sooner. I could not clearly see the situation I was in until I got away from it. I have never had one regret leaving and wish you the best, from someone who has been there.
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Old 02-03-2011, 01:05 PM
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This post is full of links to great resources for those in abusive relationships:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

I'd also suggest you call the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233

If he goes through your phone to see who you call, most cell phones have a way to erase a single number from the history. Check before you try, or borrow someone else's phone, or even use a pay phone. But please call, they can help you figure out what to do, and where to go.



You are not alone. And you do not deserve to be treated this way.
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Old 02-03-2011, 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by justsotired View Post
Oh, and thank you guys for just hearing me, it is so long since I have been heard it might not seem like much but it seems so big to me, it makes a huge difference. to be able to overcome the shame of saying this is what I've been going through and not get shunned is huge to me, I feel so dirty and alone so thank you so much
justsotired,

please get some help, there is no shame or shunning here.
this forum is full of loving people.
you are not alone now.
you dont have to be alone ever again.

thank you for sharing your story, that was very courageous of you.

Beth
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Old 02-03-2011, 01:38 PM
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You say it would be so easy to stay in this, IMO, horrible situation - it would be easy for me to go home and down a 12 pack of beer tonight. If it was easy, this forum would not have to exist. I have chosen to take the best path for myself and my family, not the easiest.

The feeling you have now is one of hope, whether you realize it or not, that you want and deserve a better life. Take care of yourself, because it sounds like he doesn't care for you or himself.

(((Hugs)))

Toss
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Old 02-03-2011, 02:04 PM
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Good God, I want to reach into my screen and hug you.

You are so brave to come here and look for answers. Yay for you!

Please please please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Talk to a counsellor. Ask if they can refer you to a shelter in your area...or maybe a little removed from your area. If you are being monitored, is it possible to get away to call from a payphone?

1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
Anonymous & Confidential Help 24/7

What you describe...it isn't love. You are being used and abused like an object. You do NOT deserve that. You deserve love, respect and equal partnership.

And please do not feel ashamed to come here and talk about what you're going through. A bunch of us have been somewhere close to where you are. I wasn't pimped out for money, but I was a stripper for over 2 years to support my abusive alcoholic drug-user boyfriend and his son. I'd work my butt off 5 nights a week giving lap dances, come home with hundreds of dollars in my pockets and by morning, it was all gone. XAH would take it and spend it, because he "deserved" it. So, in a very real way, I get what you're going through.

Please call the hotline. And if you need some help figuring out a plan, come post here. SR is always open.
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Old 02-03-2011, 02:20 PM
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Ooooh, phone idea!

You could buy a phone card. Then any record of phone calls would only record the 1-800 number for the calling card, and there'd be no way for him to trace it to its final call.

You could make something up if he questions you, since cell phones generally have the same rates for any call in the country.
If you don't have anyone you'd call from outside the country, you could say you wanted to call one of those online horoscope or psychic things, just for fun, and they said if you used a calling card it would use the money from that rather than add it to your phone bill. How would he know if it worked or not?
Just a thought.
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Old 02-03-2011, 02:35 PM
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You are very smart and very brave. I am so glad you have found SR. You are not alone.

There is so much good advice here, from folks who have been where you are. Stay on this path to a better life, you have already taken the first step by being here.
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Old 02-03-2011, 03:01 PM
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Big, squishy hugs if OK, Justsotired. Please read through the sticky about abuse that StarCat posted - and the links for browser safety. There is a lot of information there that really helped me. I agree with every one who already posted: you are incredibly brave, and smart and resourceful. You are so much stronger than you know. The shame is not yours to carry; it is HIS.

Originally Posted by justsotired View Post
Like If I can be strong enough, and take care of everything that he will be happy or at least at a place where he is ready to give up drinking. I know it is very twisted to think that way but that's where I've been mentally. I am seeing now how I have been enabling his addiction and allowing myself to be a victim of it. I have spent so long pretending that there isn't a problem, that it is kind of shocking to me to see my life for what it is.
This is one aspect of what abusers do. They set it up so we are always trying to prove ourselves, our love, our strength, our resilience. If I do THIS, he'll be happy. Maybe he will, for a little bit, but it's never enough. There is no way to make an abuser happy and it is no failure on your part. I too tried everything I could think of. It never lasted. Abuse, like alcoholism, escalates.

I also think it's important to point out something that I had a really hard time understanding: Being an alcoholic does not make a man abusive. Simply because he stops drinking does not mean he will stop being abusive.

Stay safe. Wishing you peace and continued strength.
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Old 02-03-2011, 03:07 PM
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JST -

Welcome to the forum.

This weather isn't helping this decision either
I've friends in 'joisey' and they're really under it right now.

Look -
I want to share this with you -
I was also in a very very bad place
and one night I finally 'snapped'
and picked up my purse, the alarm clock,
and left.

Never to return.

Shelters aren't bad at all compared to being held prisoner.
Getting help is NOT a bad thing.

YOu know what happened when I walked out?

Lots of stuff.
But NONE of it - was as bad as being 'inside'.

SOunds to me like your 'exit strategy'
is to maybe throw an extra pair of underwear inthe purse before you go.

There's lots of shelters in Jersey.

I can help you find one if you like, just PM me.
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