saying hello and need support
Just found this forum, and could really use the support and advice right now. I've been living with my boyfriend for 6 years now, and have been through the ringer with his drinking problem.
I've been hit, shared with friends, pimped out for money, emotionally abused, struggled with alcholol myself. Sometimes i would just want to get drunker than him to escape him, I've tried drinking just there would be less for him, I've gone weeks without drinking so he would be forced to drink alone, I've tried pleading with him to not drink, telling him he has a problem. I'm done, I will never have another drink in my life. I want to go to AA meetings so badly, but he's so controling he won't let me, or says I can go if he comes too. As much as I want him to go, I want to go to seperate meetings so I can be open about everything but he won't let me.
He's lost 2 jobs, gotten into a boating accident, nothing is sacred to him it seems, he will get drunk in front of his kids, drink while he is driving.... one time he somehow managed to get through a dui checkpoint and it gave him this feeling of "I can handle myself i don't have a problem" .... he doesn't see that this is destroying him and us.
The kicker is I love him, I believe he is a good person but I can't keep being hurt over and over again. I am so afraid if I leave he will not be ok, that he will get so drunk he will seriously hurt himself or wind up dead. Everything I read online says that this is the only way to help him though.
I think I have made the choice to leave, for both of our sakes. But I do not have the courage of my convictions.... I am so used to taking care of him, of being needed by him. As much as I have been hurt by him, and as many things that have happened that I can't forgive him for.... I don't doubt he loves me, and I love him. I just feel so tired, like it would be so easy to stay. I am so tired from the past years that I don't know where to find the strength to make, and carry through with this decision. I have the support of a great friend. I have confided in my cousin, and I did that to committ myself to getting help, and out of this situation.
I am so worried I will procrastinate, find excuses to stay.