I am sorry you are having so much hurt and pain right now. One good thing about this forum is that you will be forced to see your problem and begin acting in your own best interest. It sounds like you already know that this situation is no good for you and your emotions. That is such an awesome first step. Getting out of denial is brutally hard and it just hurts. It feels like your heart is breaking.
Day by Day you will get stronger. Do not think that the problem will magically go away. You will have to dig deep for courage and strength and begin the process of making changes in your own best interest.
Alanon would be helpful for you. If you are genuinely afraid of him, I would definitely recommend talking to an abuse counselor or perhaps one close friend, sister, or family member who can help you figure out how to do what is best for you safely. Please continue to post here. You will find support and encouragement. We all have felt similair pain.