Big, squishy hugs if OK, Justsotired. Please read through the sticky about abuse that StarCat posted - and the links for browser safety. There is a lot of information there that really helped me. I agree with every one who already posted: you are incredibly brave, and smart and resourceful. You are so much stronger than you know. The shame is not yours to carry; it is HIS.
Originally Posted by
justsotired 
Like If I can be strong enough, and take care of everything that he will be happy or at least at a place where he is ready to give up drinking. I know it is very twisted to think that way but that's where I've been mentally. I am seeing now how I have been enabling his addiction and allowing myself to be a victim of it. I have spent so long pretending that there isn't a problem, that it is kind of shocking to me to see my life for what it is.
This is one aspect of what abusers do. They set it up so we are always trying to prove ourselves, our love, our strength, our resilience. If I do THIS, he'll be happy. Maybe he will,
for a little bit, but it's never enough. There is no way to make an abuser happy and it is no failure on your part. I too tried everything I could think of. It never lasted. Abuse, like alcoholism, escalates.
I also think it's important to point out something that I had a really hard time understanding: Being an alcoholic does not make a man abusive. Simply because he stops drinking does not mean he will stop being abusive.
Stay safe. Wishing you peace and continued strength.