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Had a bad night

Old 09-11-2010, 06:26 PM
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Had a bad night

Hi everyone,

I had a rough night and need to get this off my chest as its eating me up inside.

My eABF broke up with me about 2 months ago. We had been together for 4 years. He had gone into rehab and left after a week and then started working the program. He broke up with me he said as he didn't want to drag me along for the roller coaster.
So for about a month we had some space, only seeing him when he was moving things out of my house. Recently he has relapsed and we have been contacting each other more.

So on Monday he said he wanted to come and see me and brought me chocolates. He said that he had gone into full relapse and that he has seen a new doctor has now suggested a new medication to help. He has stopped working the 12 steps.

So yesterday I messaged him and asked him if he wanted to have dinner. Stupid I know. I brought some food over to his house. As soon I was there he started talking about this new drug and went on and on about it. I said that I didn't come to the house to talk about drugs but I came to see how he was doing. He seemed to get angry about this. I started asking him about if he is going to start going to the gym and look for work etc but he wasn't really responsive. I then started talking about what I was doing, like mentioning I had to delay my work holiday as the landscaping people had to reschedule and he just looked so bored.

I said to him, why aren't you interested in whats going on in my life. He said that he doesn't have to pretend to care anymore as we aren't together and that basically his life is more interesting than mine. He said that I had nothing 'to bring to the table'. We dont live together anymore so he doesn't care about my backyard. This really hurt me as you could imagine. He then said that we cant be friends as its not going to work and that basically he felt trapped in the relationship with me and now he is free. He said that he didn't want to work a 9-5 job and that he just wanted to float around till he his mid 30's and then he might get settled (Its his 29th birthday in 2 weeks).

I told him that I miss my best friend and that I feel so lonely. He said that he feels lonely as well and occasionally misses me but that I am not the girl for him and that its my fault I put all my eggs in the one basket. He said that he had been leading me on, keeping in contact and giving me the chocolates and he doesn't want to give me the wrong idea as he has no interest in being with me and doesn't want to give me hope that we will be together in the future. He said that he doesn't want to be with anyone, just by himself probably because its too much effort to be in a relationship. He said that he was always on some form of drugs whilst we were together and that he thinks he was never in love with me.

I told him that if he feels this way that he then needs to get the rest of his things out of my house. He said that its my problem and cant see why the stuff can just stay there as its not in the way (its in the garage). I said that he has a few days to get the stuff out or it will be on the front lawn. He then said that he would get a lawyer and will take half my house. He pretty then forced me out of the house and said that if I don't leave he would call the cops. I was left so confused and wondered how I was back here again feeling so crap. I was crying the whole time and he just didn't care. He says he loves me as a person and will always be there for me if I needed him but I really doubt that he would.

How can it all go so wrong? I know that I sound so pathetic but I thought deep down he loved me but it seems that he loves no one but himself. I thought the little efforts he put in recently were because he did love me and want me in his life, but it seems I was very wrong. He said that I have low self esteem and I just need to move on, but I just cant seem to understand why I'm not worth fighting for? I don't really have many friends and I just feel so alone.
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Old 09-11-2010, 06:36 PM
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I have been in the EXACT SAME situation as you just described. I have been YOU and I know exactly how it felt to go through what you just did, and exactly how you feel right now. So here is my question for you: Why are you not worth fighting for your SELF?
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Old 09-11-2010, 06:44 PM
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Send him a letter, giving him X # of days to get his things out of your house or they will go to the dump. Send it with a request for Proof of Delivery, but not that he has to sign for it.

Block him, go NO CONTACT.

You are WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN A SELF CENTERED SLEEZE BALL LIKE HIM.

You might try some Al-Anon where you would be sure to make some 'friends' and help yourself in the process. Check out if there are any 'book clubs' (possibly through your local library). Join a gardening club (again some like interests). You get the idea.

As you work on yourself, and your 'insides' change, you will draw to you people with similar insides (great folks).

Please keep posting here and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much!

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-11-2010, 06:55 PM
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Learn2Live, I do think I am worth fighting for. I am a loving and warm person who is generous and loyal. But he has a way of breaking me down, to feel like I am the worst person in the world. No one else makes me feel as low as he does. How did you get through this?

We have gone no contact and I didn't contact him for a week. He then sent me a message checking in with me and I asked him last night why he did that. I cant remember his response but I felt like he just didn't want to sever the link between us. To keep it open just in case he wanted something from me. That is why when he told me last night that there was no future for us that he had to get all the rest of his things out. How can I move on when everyday I see his things. Its hard enough living in the house that we lived in for 3 years, but its my house that I bought that he never contributed to and I don't really want to sell it as I love the house.

I think it hurts more as he really knew me and doesn't think I'm worth fighting for. Makes me doubt my worth.

I am a member at a gym which I go to several times a week and I spend alot of time with my family and I have 2 dogs, but i don't know if I'm just adjusting to being alone or if I'm lonely. I have never lived on my own before and its hard.
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Old 09-11-2010, 06:56 PM
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i am going through pretty much the exact same thing now. My AH left last week. We have been together for 20 years. He has been saying that he drank the whole time, I've been up his butt the whole time we were together. Saying I was horrible to him all these years, etc. Well if I was that horrible all these years than why was he here for 20 years.

It was always about him. Whenever I would talk about work or what happened on any given day he wouldn't let me finish what I was saying then start saying stuff about him. Always about him.

I know it is not me. It was the alcoholic playing the blame game.

I'm also wondering why the kids and I aren't worth fighting for but it's the alcohol. That's who he loves best. It's really hard to understand since I am not an addict but I realize that his drinking comes first. Everything else second.

I also have lost my friends through the years. I feel alone also, but I was alone even when he was here so what's the difference.

I know my AH doesn't love himself. As long as he is drinking he is not capable of loving anyone, especially himself. Until he finds sobriety he will say things to hurt me because I know he feels badly about himself and to take the focus of him.

Now, I just need to take each day as it comes and try and have no contact with him. Most of the time when we have contact it's about how I acted the whole time we were together. No mention of his drinking.

I just wanted to tell you my story. Take Care
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Old 09-11-2010, 07:04 PM
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Katie,

I have never lived alone ever and I'm 45. It's very scary for me. Also, I live in the house he practically built. We have lived here 20 years. Everywhere I look I am reminded of him. It's very hard but without him here the stress has gone down so much. I do plan on selling to start a new life for me and my kids but that will take a while, so I just have to remove the things I can and throw them down the basement for him. I have yet to tell him to grab his crap

They all have a way of breaking us down. For me, I try and not let him see that it bothers me. When we do have contact it's by texting so I word things as what he texts does not bother me, even though I am upset by it. I know I'm not to blame and am not the bad person he makes me out to be. Our friends and family know the real him. So I keep going my reading here and telling myself he is sick and needs help and I'm just the brunt of it.
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Old 09-11-2010, 07:08 PM
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very regretful, I can relate. my eABF would always talk about himself. Never put any effort in on valentines day, birthday, christmas etc. Never made me feel special. He would come home and talk about himself every night. Promises about what he was going to stop tomorrow and dramas at work. I always left work at work, but he would bring his work issues home and top it off with his alcohol and drug problems.

I thought that as he was in recovery he could start to think about me or us but no it is still about him. He now has a new girl to rely on. She is a friend who used to get him booze and drugs and I get so angry with him that she was the one who enabled him to get drugs and now she is the one that is saving him. His response is that I enabled him aswell and that I made the situation worse by asking him to choose between us. Well he made his choice and it wasn't me.

Maybe he only was with me because he could get away with being selfish. I let him get away with it for so long and put his needs above mine that he took advantage of that.
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Old 09-11-2010, 07:36 PM
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Alcoholics and addicts are very self-centered. I've never seen that change in the A and As I've known.

Yes, learning how to be alone is difficult but it is a natural part of life IMO. I dont suggest making financial decisions based on emotion, such as selling your house because you feel bad he's not there. Please trust me that your feelings will change over time. But you have work to do young lady

Gather the strength to get all of his stuff out of sight. Whatever is in the house, put in the garage. Hon, I have had to do this so many times With so many different guys I've lost count. Once you do it completely, things start to get easier. I agree with the other poster, tell him a date by which it ALL needs to be out and tell him what you will do with it after that date. Goodwill and Salvation Army make house calls.

As for you, what I meant by my question was, w
IMO therapy and Al-Anon are good ways for you to fight for yourself. Being so wrapped up in a guy like this is just not healthy.

I will tell ya', IMO he may be mean but at least he is being forthright about the relationship and telling you that he has been manipulating you. When a person tells you he wants to go, I have found it is best to just let go. Whenever I have been in this situation, I had to make myself shift my focus from him to ME. He is not the right guy for you.

Do you need to be evaluated for depression? I suggest finding a free, on-line depression screening and seeing if you might need to see a doctor.

So, you were No Contact and you slipped. Get back up on that horse. We call that a "Lapse.". If you can reinstitute No Contact and maintain it a bit, we don't have to call it a "Relapse."

Have you gone to Al-Anon? There you will hear things you likely need to hear. I truly hope you will give it a try. It's how we begin to learn how to take care of ourselves. We are so worth it. Get that toxicity out of your life.
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Old 09-11-2010, 07:48 PM
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Sorry, I forgot to answer your question.
"But he has a way of breaking me down, to feel like I am the worst person in the world. No one else makes me feel as low as he does. How did you get through this?"
By getting and staying as far away from the people who make me feel like this. Do you know the Serenity Prayer? It is at the bottom of my posts. Through working on me and working on my Recovery, and by practicing, have begun to learn what I can control and what I cannot. I know that when my interactions with people bring me pain, panic, despair, confusion, or just plain bad feelings, and I try to make some adjustment but it doesn't change, that that person is toxic and there is nothing i can do to fix or change that. It is out of my control. What is IN my control is whether or not I will continue to have that person in my life and how much.

I hope something I have said is helpful. Take the best care of you you possibly can.
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Old 09-11-2010, 08:47 PM
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I know he is being honest and telling me that he doesn't want me but it doesn't make it any easier. I find its easier for him as he doesn't have anything invested in me, he knows what he wants and its not me.

I on the other hand still love him and want him - but I guess I don't want the addicted self centered person. I want the person before the addiction took over.

I know I have to move on. Its been 2 months already and I'm still thinking and wanting him. How long does it take? I don't look at other guys and I do have a counselor who I haven't seen for the past few weeks but I am booked in to go on Tuesday. Why am I wasting my time on someone who doesn't want me? Is it because I'm just lonely? exABF says its because I don't want to fail. I don't think its that, I think its just that when you love someone why do you give up on them?
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Old 09-11-2010, 10:40 PM
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I think, as being a codependent, the more someone shows that they DON'T love you, the more you think you love them and the more you want to prove to them that you are worthy of love. I thought I was in love, but I see it for what it really was now. That was my needing to feel accepted, approved, capable of being loved. He could tell me he loved me, and I had a feeling it wasn't true, but I took it anyways because the words were what I wanted. The actions never matched. Seems the same in your case. I hope you fight through this, and feel better ASAP! ((((HUGS)))
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Old 09-12-2010, 05:58 AM
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I on the other hand still love him and want him - but I guess I don't want the addicted self centered person. I want the person before the addiction took over.
Do you want the person or do you want the feelings that being with that "good" person instilled in you? Were they feelings of self-confidence, self-love, and self-esteem? Where did they come from?

I have learned that people reflect myself back to me. That is partly how self-esteem works. When another person gazes into our eyes and says how beautiful and wonderful we are, we tend to feel that way about ourselves and it feels good.

But when I rely on others to reflect back to me all the feelings of self-worth that I ever feel, that is unhealthy. If I have no feelings of self-worth that originate from WITHIN me, I become a mess. Every little thing the other person says or does either makes me feel good about myself or makes me feel bad about myself. I crave the good feelings they give me.

And it becomes very difficult to let go of a person when I use people like that. The key for me has been in working on me to be the best possible me I can be, according to MY OWN values. I have had to get books at the library on self-esteem and learn ways to build it. One way I have started this, time and again, is to get poster-sized paper and write a list in BIG letters, of all the good things about me that I know. I tape the lists up in a place where I can see them every day and I add to that list as I remember all the good things about me. As I do this, my self-esteem and self-confidence grow.

I know I have to move on. Its been 2 months already and I'm still thinking and wanting him. How long does it take? ... Why am I wasting my time on someone who doesn't want me? Is it because I'm just lonely?
For me, it was never a matter of how much time it takes. I kept wasting my time on people who did not want me for the same reason the addict wastes his or her time on chasing the feelings drugs and alcohol give them. That's my opinion.

exABF says its because I don't want to fail. I don't think its that, I think its just that when you love someone why do you give up on them?
First, I wouldn't be looking to a person with active alcoholism or addiction problems to steer me in the right direction. Ask yourself, is it really love? Or is it addiction? And what feeling am I addicted to, if any?

What do you mean by "If you love someone why do you give up on them?" Who is "giving up on" who in your mind? The long and short of my answer is that love has nothing to do with it. It is a question of what is healthy and what is unhealthy that rules my life. Have you read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie?
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Old 09-12-2010, 06:10 AM
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Honey,
I had this thought as I finished reading your post. It seems kind of like your Higher Power just gave you a wonderful gift, and made gave this fellow a "truth serum" so he would let you know what you needed to know, right before ushering you out the door, into the light of freedom.

Try to look at it as a gift, and go forward with your life. You sound like a great person, who has much to offer to a good relationship.

sorry that it was so painful. but out of pain is born a lot of good stuff. Handy experience, for future reference, freedom to move forward, no longer living with crazy.

big hug
chicory
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Old 09-12-2010, 07:14 AM
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Originally Posted by missb89 View Post
I think, as being a codependent, the more someone shows that they DON'T love you, the more you think you love them and the more you want to prove to them that you are worthy of love. I thought I was in love, but I see it for what it really was now. That was my needing to feel accepted, approved, capable of being loved. He could tell me he loved me, and I had a feeling it wasn't true, but I took it anyways because the words were what I wanted. The actions never matched. Seems the same in your case. I hope you fight through this, and feel better ASAP! ((((HUGS)))
This is not true in my case, when someone shows me they don't love me, I turn off and my love for them fades and never returns. When someone I love shows me they love me, I warm up


Katie: your ex was honest, sure, but he's a 1st class pr*ck (and I rarely name call), if he felt this way, he could have been kind enough to just leave you alone. It sounds like he did it to get you to react. Addict LOVE when we react.
I've taken a lot of crap, but if anyone spoke to me like that, I would have walked out even before they could finish their bashing session.

I know this hurts...........the love you feel is the love you eminate. This person cannot feel love or give love, because he's empty.
And ANYONE who speaks to other soul the way he did obviosuly doesn't even care about himself, so how can he find any caring for someone else?!
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Old 09-12-2010, 07:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
First, I wouldn't be looking to a person with active alcoholism or addiction problems to steer me in the right direction. Ask yourself, is it really love? Or is it addiction? And what feeling am I addicted to, if any?
Awesome, I like this
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Old 09-12-2010, 03:47 PM
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Thank you all.
Summerpeach, I guess in a way I have put up with his verbal abuse in the past so when he said these things, yes it hurts as it always hurt, but in a way I learnt to expect it which is really bad. He has told me before he hates me and wishes I was dead and that I disgust him. All of these things when he was drunk, so to hear it when he is 'sober' was hard. (he was sober off alcohol but had about 3 -4 drugs in his system)
You made me realise what an unkind person he is, how if he did have any love or decency in him he wouldn't speak to me that way and would have just left me alone instead of dragging me back in.
I too have to turn off my love for him. I guess as I know I am a loving and caring person that I will always worry about him, but to disrespect me like that when 5 months ago I stood with him in the hospital room with him and watched his mother die and supported him through the funeral, shows what a selfish, narcissist, cold hearted person he is.

I am feeling stronger today and am going to go NC. Even if he contacts me in a week or so I am just going to not respond. I am close with his dad who is overseas at the moment. His dad is coming home in about 2 weeks for the exABF's birthday and I will get his help to remove the rest of his belongings.
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Old 09-12-2010, 08:10 PM
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Out of all that you put up with just requesting he get his belongings (that you have to look at and probably remember all the bad memories) and he throws a little fit.

He is treating your garage like a storage unit (a free one).

He is threatening to get a lawyer to get you out of your home by a forced sale (you are not married from what I could tell) to which he has never contributed to financially and name is not on the deed and is an active alcoholic or drug user?

I don't know if he is working but where does he think he is going to get a lawyer and find a judge who would agree to such idiocy.

The dragging it on to have his Dad help remove it is your choice and might be the most peaceful one - but also might be awkward as you are both bound to talk about him.

How tough does one get? Put the items boxed up under cover on front porch and tell him they need to be removed. If he threatens the police then you tell him you will ask the Police to do a drug/alcohol test on him when they arrive.

His insults are bad enough, but these childish threats are ridiculous.

I am sure you are going to feel lonely but hopefully soon you will realize how bad it had gotten with him. You might have or may want to get a dog - they keep you company and make you feel safe and you can walk them, go to dog parks, meet ups, etc...

A few of us here have isolated or been so codependent/enabling that we put making friends at the bottom of the list. You are not alone in this. But that can be worked on.

Now put your energy in you and get rid of his stuff hanging around there for free.

AND you always have this forum where so many have gone through what you have and you should count as a great support system.
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Old 09-12-2010, 08:35 PM
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Thank you MMkM.
He has no job and his friends mum is paying his rent ($300 a week) She is trying to save him.... so far its not going very well as he has relapsed.
The house is and always was in my name and he never paid rent - his parents did. So he has never paid one cent to the repayments, his parents did and his dad said that if he tried to sue me he would disown him. I dont know how he thinks he could get half of my house. I think its this friends mum as she was in jail for money theft or something so must be getting in his ear. He has no hope tho, his parents contributed more to the house than he ever did, and I made sure all the payments always had 'Rent' on them.
Having the stuff in the garage is a constant reminder and it is also a connection to him. Whilst its there he will always have a reason to contact me if he wants. He tells me to move on but wont get fully out of my life.
I have 2 dogs which are a constant source of support and love. I spent alot of time with my mother, father and brother. I went to there house yesterday and just sat and talked to my mum all day instead of sitting in my house all day alone feeling miserable.
Mum thinks that he just wants to hurt me as I am successful in my life. I have my own house, car, family, my career is going really well, so he is bringing me down the only way he knows how. He on the other hand is renting, has a debt on his car, no job, no future career, no direction and no family.
I'm really focusing on staying No contact. How someone could say such nasty things to someone who was their best friend for 4 years is beyond me. He truly has no heart and does not know what love is.
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Old 09-13-2010, 07:20 AM
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Hi katie28. This is my very first post. My ABF may not have hit rock bottom but I sure have. I've been visiting this forum every night for the last week and when I saw your post I just had to reply. I'm not nearly as far along in this process as you are because he and I are still enmeshed and haven't gone no contact.
He has told me many times that he wishes I was dead and that he hates me, doesn't love me anymore, and wants me out of his life. He can be so cold and cruel that I feel like he sees me as an insect or something and not even a human being. He says these things but we've now been involved for seven years and he's still around. Every time he says he hates me I think he really means he hates himself. I've become used to hearing these things. I think the cruel words are part of a manipulative game. My ABF is very abusive and very sick and I've reached the point that I have to save myself.
But what I wanted to say is that sometimes we love someone and the love is real. Not everyone is co-dependent and not every motive and emotion can be broken down and labeled. If you've been with him for four years then perhaps he was a different person in the beginning before his illness progressed. Maybe your love for him is based on that guy that he used to be, the one inside of him now possessed by addiction. I don't think you should have to defend loving him. I'm not saying that you should avoid a good hard look at your feelings or that you should try to make it work with him. Mostly I just wanted to say I could relate to how much it hurts to lose someone you love. I feel like this whole experience is worse than losing a loved one to actual physical death in the sense that you must carry the burden of choice.
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Old 09-13-2010, 07:39 AM
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I also wanted to add that it's amazing how many of these guys say and do the exact same things. It's uncanny. Did they attend a secret workshop, like on how to be a complete $#%^&? You'd think they memorized a script somewhere. But that's the part I'm finding comforting right now. Every single thing you said about your ex mine does exactly, the same behaviors and words. They could be clones. And that tells me that it's about his disease and not about ME which is a huge comfort.
I too am lonely and that makes this process much harder than if I had a lot of friends and an extensive support network. I enjoy my alone time but actual loneliness can wear me down and makes me more vulnerable.
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