i am going through pretty much the exact same thing now. My AH left last week. We have been together for 20 years. He has been saying that he drank the whole time, I've been up his butt the whole time we were together. Saying I was horrible to him all these years, etc. Well if I was that horrible all these years than why was he here for 20 years.
It was always about him. Whenever I would talk about work or what happened on any given day he wouldn't let me finish what I was saying then start saying stuff about him. Always about him.
I know it is not me. It was the alcoholic playing the blame game.
I'm also wondering why the kids and I aren't worth fighting for but it's the alcohol. That's who he loves best. It's really hard to understand since I am not an addict but I realize that his drinking comes first. Everything else second.
I also have lost my friends through the years. I feel alone also, but I was alone even when he was here so what's the difference.
I know my AH doesn't love himself. As long as he is drinking he is not capable of loving anyone, especially himself. Until he finds sobriety he will say things to hurt me because I know he feels badly about himself and to take the focus of him.
Now, I just need to take each day as it comes and try and have no contact with him. Most of the time when we have contact it's about how I acted the whole time we were together. No mention of his drinking.
I just wanted to tell you my story. Take Care