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Had a bad night

Old 09-13-2010, 07:49 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by katie28 View Post
How can it all go so wrong? I know that I sound so pathetic but I thought deep down he loved me but it seems that he loves no one but himself. I thought the little efforts he put in recently were because he did love me and want me in his life, but it seems I was very wrong. He said that I have low self esteem and I just need to move on, but I just cant seem to understand why I'm not worth fighting for? I don't really have many friends and I just feel so alone.
A couple things:

1. He seems to be both batsh!t crazy and just generally an awful person.

2. This isn't meant to be insulting at all: You are looking for validation of your worth by a guy that isn't worth a damn, stop that. Just because he isn't willing to work for your affection doesn't mean you need to work for his. Sounds like you want what you can't have. He doesn't care about anyone but himself and even then doesn't care much about himself. That is why he won't change and why he is unable to see your value.

On the topic of his things, the house is in your name, I would contact the local police and ask for advice the proper procedure you must follow to get his things out of the house. Don't sell or throw out anything before as you don't want to be liable for the items. I would recommend doing this ASAP.
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Old 09-13-2010, 09:28 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Hi katie,
I know how much it hurts... have you read the Sticky "Classic section"?
Here I learned addicts share traits and they act that way whether you are in the picture or not. Nothing personal its just what they do. Of course to me it all seemed VERY PERSONAL. But time away from him and his friends have made me realize actions are the ones that count. I hope you can go no contact soon. The first weeks it will suck, but afterwards you will gain much clarity and peace, and be able to process all the events and heal - and find out why you confuse this with love. I have distorted views about love. I hope you can get to therapy, as this is really tough stuff (mourning an addict that is still active) and trying to make sense of it alone is almost impossible... well at least it was impossible for me. Talking to others who get addiction/codependence is priceless. I felt so, so lonely, I hope you reach out and remember you are not alone - others have healed from similar experiences and you will heal too. Takes time and work but its possible!
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Old 09-13-2010, 02:11 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I was just in the substance abuse section and there is a great post on No contact. I have printed it out and will put it up on my wall. Its his birthday in 2 weeks and I know that I shouldn't even send him a text for his birthday.

The hard part for me is that when I talk to my friends this is all so crazy to them, they have never been through problems with an addict which is why I find this place so comforting as there are people here who have been through the exact same thing and I don't feel so alone.

I am still strong on the No contact.He hasn't contacted me either as he will be very angry at me for the next week and then after about 7 days is when I start to hear from him. I am seeing my counselor tonight so will talk about what happened and how I can stay strong.

Addicts must have no conscience. He tells me that he loves me as a person but is not actively in love with me. If I spoke to someone I loved as a person the way he spoke to me the other night I would at least apologize even via text if I was ashamed, but I have not heard anything from him. Telling someone that they don't have anything to offer and that they are not interested in your life and wont get the rest of their stuff out because its easy to leave it there and then threaten to call the cops and a lawyer is not what you would expect to hear from someone who loves you as a person.

Its hard to think about what a normal relationship would be like, one without addiction, but I'm sure there are some great guys out there that will put an effort in and make you feel special, not just take everything you have and give nothing in return. Until then I have my puppies who show me every day that they love me and are always happy to see me.

Oh that reminds me, when I saw him the other night he said that he isn't excited to see me anymore which is why he feels he isn't actively in love with me. He said that he doesn't get the butterflies in the stomach. I dont know about you but after 4 years your partner is more like a limb, something that is just part of you. The butterflies are in the honeymoon period when its all so new and exciting. Does anyone agree?
The fact that he wants these butterflies to me is a sign that he is always looking for that 'craving' that he feels for the drugs and alcohol and if he doesn't have that physical response then there must be something wrong. Thoughts?
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Old 09-13-2010, 03:19 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Forget his birthday in two weeks....No contact really is the best answer with this selfish, mean,-?-(gonna take your house?) lazy junkie/alkie. Read the Melody Beattie books, go to Alanon, keep going to therapy. Focus on you. I thought I loved mine and could save him. I was going down faster than him. You don't have the same values/morals. He has another enabling him who will get tired of it. I wrote down everything bad mine did and kept the list on me at all times. When I wouuld be vulnerable and miss him and want to contact him I would read the list. I had to let go of my magical thinking. See it as it is not as you want it to be. Alanon was great because I would be tellng others my experience and help myself with the healthy , not code, answers. There was a link (funny) back in the spring where we gave ourselves "golden cowchip" medallions for not putting up with their bull$hit on a daily basis and having no contact. Maybe someone can find the" golden cowchip "link. Be grateful you are learning boundaries and lessons. I also think the Abandonment book might help you, it is helping me......I have these fellings from stuff that happened in my childhood........but it is getting better and SR really helps!
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Old 09-13-2010, 06:41 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by katie28 View Post
Oh that reminds me, when I saw him the other night he said that he isn't excited to see me anymore which is why he feels he isn't actively in love with me. He said that he doesn't get the butterflies in the stomach. I dont know about you but after 4 years your partner is more like a limb, something that is just part of you. The butterflies are in the honeymoon period when its all so new and exciting. Does anyone agree? The fact that he wants these butterflies to me is a sign that he is always looking for that 'craving' that he feels for the drugs and alcohol and if he doesn't have that physical response then there must be something wrong. Thoughts?
I think he is full of something that you step in in cow pastures.
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Old 09-13-2010, 07:40 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Hi Katie,
Break-ups are hard, by their very nature. It's impossible to say in advance how long it will take to get over a relationship and sometimes it takes much longer than one would like. I have been broken up with my ex for over a year and a half. While I am satisfied with my decision to leave him, I still miss the good parts of him, of our relationship. I think there will come a time for you too, when you are glad about the break up. It sounds like that time may already be here for you. I've found that getting over someone can ebb and flow; there can be unbelievably crappy days that seem like total regression, but, overall, it does get easier.
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