Hi katie28. This is my very first post. My ABF may not have hit rock bottom but I sure have. I've been visiting this forum every night for the last week and when I saw your post I just had to reply. I'm not nearly as far along in this process as you are because he and I are still enmeshed and haven't gone no contact.
He has told me many times that he wishes I was dead and that he hates me, doesn't love me anymore, and wants me out of his life. He can be so cold and cruel that I feel like he sees me as an insect or something and not even a human being. He says these things but we've now been involved for seven years and he's still around. Every time he says he hates me I think he really means he hates himself. I've become used to hearing these things. I think the cruel words are part of a manipulative game. My ABF is very abusive and very sick and I've reached the point that I have to save myself.
But what I wanted to say is that sometimes we love someone and the love is real. Not everyone is co-dependent and not every motive and emotion can be broken down and labeled. If you've been with him for four years then perhaps he was a different person in the beginning before his illness progressed. Maybe your love for him is based on that guy that he used to be, the one inside of him now possessed by addiction. I don't think you should have to defend loving him. I'm not saying that you should avoid a good hard look at your feelings or that you should try to make it work with him. Mostly I just wanted to say I could relate to how much it hurts to lose someone you love. I feel like this whole experience is worse than losing a loved one to actual physical death in the sense that you must carry the burden of choice.