I on the other hand still love him and want him - but I guess I don't want the addicted self centered person. I want the person before the addiction took over.
Do you want the person or do you want the feelings that being with that "good" person instilled in you? Were they feelings of self-confidence, self-love, and self-esteem? Where did they come from?
I have learned that people reflect myself back to me. That is partly how self-esteem works. When another person gazes into our eyes and says how beautiful and wonderful we are, we tend to feel that way about ourselves and it feels good.
But when I rely on others to reflect back to me all the feelings of self-worth that I ever feel, that is unhealthy. If I have no feelings of self-worth that originate from WITHIN me, I become a mess. Every little thing the other person says or does either makes me feel good about myself or makes me feel bad about myself. I crave the good feelings they give me.
And it becomes very difficult to let go of a person when I use people like that. The key for me has been in working on me to be the best possible me I can be, according to MY OWN values. I have had to get books at the library on self-esteem and learn ways to build it. One way I have started this, time and again, is to get poster-sized paper and write a list in BIG letters, of all the good things about me that I know. I tape the lists up in a place where I can see them every day and I add to that list as I remember all the good things about me. As I do this, my self-esteem and self-confidence grow.
I know I have to move on. Its been 2 months already and I'm still thinking and wanting him. How long does it take? ... Why am I wasting my time on someone who doesn't want me? Is it because I'm just lonely?
For me, it was never a matter of how much time it takes. I kept wasting my time on people who did not want me for the same reason the addict wastes his or her time on chasing the feelings drugs and alcohol give them. That's my opinion.
exABF says its because I don't want to fail. I don't think its that, I think its just that when you love someone why do you give up on them?
First, I wouldn't be looking to a person with active alcoholism or addiction problems to steer me in the right direction. Ask yourself, is it really love? Or is it addiction? And what feeling am I addicted to, if any?
What do you mean by "If you love someone why do you give up on them?" Who is "giving up on" who in your mind? The long and short of my answer is that love has nothing to do with it. It is a question of what is healthy and what is unhealthy that rules my life. Have you read
CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie?