denny57

What about when the baby is here? Will that be the new focus?

Even if it does pass, who is the Heather at the end of it? The one who waited for it to pass, or the one who got out there and MADE it pass?

All the talk of him, her, their flaws, their behaviors, their lacking, their issues; has focusing on that made you feel better? No. In the meantime they are living THEIR lives; what are you doing?

Ask the tough questions. Take the tough actions. Take control of YOUR life. Miracles will happen and they will have everything to do with YOU, YOU, YOU and YOU!!!!!

Barbara52

No sighs Heather. Just a big hug because you are working your way along a difficult journey.

Seeking validation from him, or anyone else will not improve your self esteem. In fact, it will continue the problems becasue it comes from outside rather than from within in you.


If waiting til New Year's work for you, that's ok. If I were doing it, I would recognize in myself as a delaying tactic but that is me. For you it may be different. And at this point its only a couple of days anyway.

That's a starting point for sure. Accepting reality is important. For me the next step would be to value myself and embrace my time with me because I am worthwhile and a great person.

It won't just pass IMO. You are going to have to work on why it bothers you so much. What issues inside you make it important to you that someone else is pregant. Her pregancy doesn't really effect you at all.

I have a question you don't have to answer, jsut consider. Does you therapist challenge you? Push you? If not, please consider finding another therapist because from where I sit your therapy is not breaking down your walls very well yet and perhaps you need a different therapist to get you thru those walls.

Lilyflower

No sighs Heather, in fact I will say CONGRATULATIONS! You have touched on something here. The real reason why he is still in your thoughts and why you still try to 'reason' out the relationship. You want him to feel bad about what he has done to you. This is a big codependancy thing. You wish to control. I did this not long ago with my abf when he upset me, I told him to get out, simply because I wanted him to turn around and tell me how sorry he was for messing up and that I was such a great person for putting up with him and still loving him when he acted so badly. If I was being non-codie i would've told him to get gone because I truely wanted him to go, which I never did. Keep digging in your heart for the truth!

Lily xxxxxxxxx

GiveLove

Heather,

Could you re-read this please?

It wasn't his fault. It was someone else who "said the right thing to sway him." Is that what you're thinking?? Gosh, no wonder you're worried about some future someone cheating on you. It's not their fault! It could strike just like lightning, with no warning!! Yikes.

If you continue to choose men who have so little integrity that the right words from an outsider can lead him into an affair, then yes, you will continue to suffer.

People show their true colors in many ways when it comes to integrity. If they make excuses for previous affairs, or steal from their work, or tell funny little white lies, or don't take responsibility for their own actions, then it should never be surprising to you that you, too, will be a victim of their lack of honesty.

It is not YOU making them have affairs. It is their own lack of integrity and maturity.

But you do have a part in this.....you absolutely must learn to identify the signs of someone who is dishonest enough (with himself and with you) to cheat on you.

It's a skill you will develop. And when you start to see the signs, you will run like the wind. And when you develop this skill -- AND the strength to survive someone else's poor choices & actions -- you will be powerful beyond measure.

hbb

GL ~ no, i don't blame someone else other than him, it was HIS decision to take the route he did. I can't blame another person, she knew we were together, but i completely know it was him to make that choice in the end. Yes, and i completely agree with the lack of integrity and character.

I am better than this, that i'm starting to believe. I know i've talked about being pathetic and sometimes i do somewhat feel that way. My brother says it to me alot and then goes on to say how everyone feels that way, so that stinks too.

My therapist i think is wonderful. She is not by any means pushy or harsh. Honestly, i don't think i could take that. She tells me different things to do, like notecards and i had to write things down that i believed about myself, kinda like what Denny mentioned about looking in the mirror and say nice things about one's self. She too said about the peeling of the layers and that i have ALOT of them to work through and have to dig deep.

Ya know, when i re-read what i write, it's sometimes like writing of someone i don't even know. If you knew me in my early 20's and late teens, i was so much fun, laughed all the time, didn't have a care in the world. I want that girl back but not sure she will exist again, trying but not so sure.

Barbara52

That you is still in there Heather! And you will find how to let her back out again. :ghug3

LaTeeDa

It was a huge turning point for me to be able to say "I chose the wrong person."

It was much easier to say I was in love, he fooled me, I believed him when he lied, I didn't know he was an alcoholic when I married him, it was good in the beginning and before I knew what happened I was trapped, he was so charming, he seemed like the perfect soul mate, or any other number of things that shifted the responsibility of MY CHOICE.

Perfectionism and fear of failure are two of my personality traits that I used to think were good for me. They are what made it soooooooo painful to admit that "I chose the wrong person." Not only that, "I chose to stay with the wrong person for 20 years and have two children with him." It's not easy to admit that. I hate to be wrong or imperfect, and I hate to fail at anything, especially relationships.

But blaming him does nothing to help me. In fact it hurts me because it makes me a victim. If I'm a victim, then I'm nothing more than a sitting duck waiting for the next jerk to come along and victimize me.

Taking responsibility for choosing the wrong person hurts, but at the same time it empowers me. If I admit I chose the wrong person, I have the power to make a better choice in the future. It's not something that "just happened" to me that I have to live in fear of "just happening" again. It's something I have control over--ME!

L

hbb

I can accept and admit i chose the wrong person. Didn't think it at the time but ya, looking back he wasn't my "fit". Did i want it to work even if it meant it wasn't exactly what i was looking for ... you bet i did.

I agree we had our problems together but this whole ending i look at it like a hit and run. I was blindsided in June, all of a sudden he wanted a "break", i believed it because why not, if he was getting his act together, i wanted that for us too. Even a friend of mine said, look at it this way, think of it as he's in detox and getting himself better (because that's what he told me). I did wonder why he wouldn't talk to me at all but truly believed him and his words. Guess the actions are what i should have been focussing on more though in hinesight. Then bing, bang, boom, painfully got through June thinking the space was helping to find out he was in NH with someone else and find out elsewhere for him to then be gone 3 days with his phone off. It was like something right out of left field. There was no heads up, warning or wondering about that sort of thing. Maybe i was naive but that goes back to trust.

In the end, yes i can say it...I CHOSE THE WRONG PERSON. guess deep down, or not even deep down, i still have feelings for this wrong person that was once in my life. Not sure how to make those disappear! Just time i guess?

LaTeeDa

Time is one ingredient, yes. Feelings don't just disappear, though. We feel them whether we like it or not. The next step is questions. Not questions about why he did what he did, questions about why you did what you did. What led you to choose the wrong person? Need? Lack? Desperation? Expectations? Pondering these questions will not only help you to understand what happened, but help you to learn about yourself and (hopefully) avoid going down that same painful road with someone else. Your answers will probably be different than mine, but finding your own answers is the key to taking back your power and freeing that happy, fun-loving girl within.

L

denny57

Nope, action.

hopeangel

hey hbb, i don't know that the feelings ever do disappear? i know mine haven't. what i have done has been to hold on to the good memories and moments and use them like a warm blanket. whenever i am upset or feeling down i close my eyes and go back to them.

it is a part of who you are. it will be a part of what makes you who you will be. use them to make you stronger. find a why to use them for good.

i was cheated on in another relationship and the girl was wearing MY engagement ring and he married her a month after we were done. how is that for a slap in the face? it will wreck havoc on your self esteem if you let it. counseling really helped me through that period of my life. it helped with the temporary depression too. maybe look into that. i know it did wonders for me.

hbb

I really must stop and thank you all. This thread should absolutely be a sticky because of all the OUTSTANDING advice and caring that has been shared here. As it would probably help those that are newcomers and the ones that are stuck (me!).

Hope ~ funny you mention the engagement ring story, my ex asked me if i would want her setting with a different stone. I kept my composure but inside was dying!!! Was he for real? Was that even normal!! I said, no thank you and just about gagged!!

I do think of the fun and good times we had but the more i think, we didn't have too many. I think i grasp to what i thought was fun and exciting but really wasn't, it was just a different lifestyle than mine.

I do agree with everyone that if i hold onto the anger it's only keeping me back, he's going on not being effected by my anger towards him. It's only hurting me and i'm suffering for it. I do see a therapist weekly which has been helpful. I was going to Al Anon but stopped going.

DesertEyes

Done stickied

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html

Mike

havehopetoday

Almost a year ago today he came back from rehab. was going to stay sober. didn't. he's close to being dead soon. somewhere in the last eight months i started to shed him from me. it's like the drowning man pulling you down. it's not easy. i miss the old him. i despise the alcoholic him, and i have separated the two. i will never see the old him again. and the acoholic will die soon. its just sad and i had to move on. when he dies it will hurt. but had i stayed that would have hurt more and longer. wish you well

hbb

Welcome Havehopetoday, I wouldn't wish dealing with an addict on my worst enemy. I think it hurts us more than them. It's such pain to go through and seems never ending. Keep posting here, everyone is so loving and caring.

Tonight was great, i got the "well i understand if heather wants to bring a friend or someone to new years as she's the single one" uggghhhhhh i hate my friends sometimes!!!! So i told them i would be happy on the couch, captain and diet and TONS of snacks Screw them!!!!! j/k but that stunk hearing about "the single one"!!!

hbb

Awww thanks so much, think there is VERY good advice here that everyone can relate too! thanks again!

BayouSelf

So many people act like the word "single" is an "F" word or something....I was single on New Year's Eve last year and I can remember the sadness I felt that night, but I finally realized that many people who are in miserable unhappy relationships would LOVE to be single like me, with all the freedom to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, no one to answer to, no one to get upset because I got home a little too late, no one to get pissed at me if I accidently bounced a check, no one to scream at me because I burned supper, no one constantly asking me "what's wrong" when absolutely nothing was wrong, no one to be jealous of the time I spend with my son....boy I could surely go on......although there are a lot of people out there who thought "poor karen, she's single", stopped saying that about me when they started seeing how happy and free I was and living a life that they only WISHED they had!

LaTeeDa

Yeah, I was meaning to chime in on that, too. Even though I am dating someone right now, we are not joined at the hip. We do many things together and many things I do alone. So, in a lot of situations, I am the "single" one. And I love it! I can come or go when I please, don't have to accomodate someone else's wishes or schedule, take into account someone elses attitude or feelings, worry about embarrassing them or anything else. I am free to be me and it's a wonderful way to be.

L

Cynay

Now that is a good subject in itself....

I can not count the times I get funny looks for going to dinner at a nice resturant with my book, or to the movies by myself. I also love my alone time at home. I find it all amusing if the truth be told....

Im not saying that I want to spend the rest of my life outside of a relationship but being single is not the worst thing in the world and I would much rather be single then in a bad/wrong relationship. I also think at times Im more on top of my game when Im single .... mostly because I keep the focus on myself.

It is much harder to be in a relationship for me then it is to be single....

CBrown

The single life? It definitely has plusses and minuses. I do what I want, when I want and making decisions (good or bad!) leaves me with a feeling of accomplishment. I've been single again since 1996 (except this past year with R) so do I NEED a man? Heavens, no. Do I enjoy the company of men? Sure! Would I remarry? Absolutely, in a good, healthy, loving, monogamous relationship. Can I walk away from a bad one? Yup!

My friends accept that I am the "single one" and I don't give it much thought. I dine out at night most every night and I'm that single woman over at the hightop or in the booth. I remember a cousin saying to me early after I divorced ... "You go out to dinner by yourself?! Oh I could never do that!" I said "Hey, either I eat out by myself, or I wouldn't eat out!" For a few years I did things with my daughter, but still found myself going solo when she was at her dad's. Now she's grown and running with her friends, so I go solo!

I have taken a 4 day vacation to Florida solo, I drive my horse to shows solo, and I haul my big travel trailer to them too. Usually I meet up with other couples, but ultimately it's just me staying in the trailer. Increasingly, though, the teens are saying "hey Brownie, can I say with you?!" But I have to tell you, I sure do enjoy solitude also!

Sometimes it's awkward ... I'm not a predatory female but married wives look at me funny if I joke with their husbands. I definitely don't touch them or talk inappropriately so if they have something going on with themselves, that's their issue, not mine. Married men just do zero for me. I also hesitate going to the movies, as it's something I prefer to do with someone else, but for a great flick I'd go anyway.

So save that little corner booth for me, and the daily newspaper! I'll be that chick eavesdropping on the other conversations quite happily. Some day you might see a man with me, and if you do, you'll know he's something special.