A year ago today.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 16
:)
Dear Heather,
Your private message touched me. We are getting through this.
Three more things that really helped me:
1. Went on some trips WITHOUT access to the internet
2. Went on some Eharmony dates (forced myself to go on some, LOL)
3. Took an Introduction to Christianity dinner series at a local church. (Even though I do NOT consider myself religious, it was really cool and interesting).
You are doing great!
Lots of love,
Cheyne
Your private message touched me. We are getting through this.
Three more things that really helped me:
1. Went on some trips WITHOUT access to the internet
2. Went on some Eharmony dates (forced myself to go on some, LOL)
3. Took an Introduction to Christianity dinner series at a local church. (Even though I do NOT consider myself religious, it was really cool and interesting).
You are doing great!
Lots of love,
Cheyne
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Des Plaines,IL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by nandm 
cc can you consider that maybe it would be best if you stuck to your posting from 12/23/07 rather than creating controversy and hurt feelings?
I am not going to push the issue. People come to recovery in their own time. Honesty hurt my feelings, too, as it does for every addict and codie in recovery. When the misery of staying stuck in addiction and codependency became greater than the pain of "hurt feelings" from being honest with myself, that is when I changed. In other words, that is when I became unstuck. Was it different for you? Was it different for any other addict or codie? Shall we lie to the newbies here that they can enter into recovery without getting their feelings hurt? I am not saying that we shouldn't take people's feelings into consideration, nor am I advocating brutal honesty, but recovery isn't painless.
Honesty without empathy is brutal, and addicts and codies tend to lack empathy. Having empathy with others ensures that we will take other people's feelings into consideration when being honest with them. However, make no mistake about it, being honest with yourself and others will hurt their feelings no matter how hard you try to avoid it. Having said all of that, I would much rather have the problem of lacking empathy, which I do have, than having the problem of lacking honesty, which so many people here have. There are honest people here, so I don't want to generalize.
Peace.
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Originally Posted by ccirider
Mike, no need to shut down the thread...I won't be posting in this thread anymore.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Des Plaines,IL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by hbb
Apparently this statement was untrue....speaking of HONESTY.
You are right. What can I say when the truth is staring me in the face? It is what is. I can make it my friend or I can make it my enemy.
Peace.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Originally Posted by ccirider
Hi Nandm:
I am not going to push the issue. People come to recovery in their own time. Honesty hurt my feelings, too, as it does for every addict and codie in recovery. When the misery of staying stuck in addiction and codependency became greater than the pain of "hurt feelings" from being honest with myself, that is when I changed. In other words, that is when I became unstuck. Was it different for you? Was it different for any other addict or codie? Shall we lie to the newbies here that they can enter into recovery without getting their feelings hurt? I am not saying that we shouldn't take people's feelings into consideration, nor am I advocating brutal honesty, but recovery isn't painless.
Honesty without empathy is brutal, and addicts and codies tend to lack empathy. Having empathy with others ensures that we will take other people's feelings into consideration when being honest with them. However, make no mistake about it, being honest with yourself and others will hurt their feelings no matter how hard you try to avoid it. Having said all of that, I would much rather have the problem of lacking empathy, which I do have, than having the problem of lacking honesty, which so many people here have. There are honest people here, so I don't want to generalize.
Peace.
I am not going to push the issue. People come to recovery in their own time. Honesty hurt my feelings, too, as it does for every addict and codie in recovery. When the misery of staying stuck in addiction and codependency became greater than the pain of "hurt feelings" from being honest with myself, that is when I changed. In other words, that is when I became unstuck. Was it different for you? Was it different for any other addict or codie? Shall we lie to the newbies here that they can enter into recovery without getting their feelings hurt? I am not saying that we shouldn't take people's feelings into consideration, nor am I advocating brutal honesty, but recovery isn't painless.
Honesty without empathy is brutal, and addicts and codies tend to lack empathy. Having empathy with others ensures that we will take other people's feelings into consideration when being honest with them. However, make no mistake about it, being honest with yourself and others will hurt their feelings no matter how hard you try to avoid it. Having said all of that, I would much rather have the problem of lacking empathy, which I do have, than having the problem of lacking honesty, which so many people here have. There are honest people here, so I don't want to generalize.
Peace.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
cc
just a thought to consider. Which do you take more stock in? Someone who tells you what you should do or someone who shares with you their experience and what has worked for them.
I find that I can find solutions in listening to others experiences. I find I am driven away from someone who tells me or preaches at me what I should do.
I can understand you wanting to be honest. You might consider that your honesty may be better recieved if you shared your experience and solution rather that telling someone else what they should do.
just a thought to consider. Which do you take more stock in? Someone who tells you what you should do or someone who shares with you their experience and what has worked for them.
I find that I can find solutions in listening to others experiences. I find I am driven away from someone who tells me or preaches at me what I should do.
I can understand you wanting to be honest. You might consider that your honesty may be better recieved if you shared your experience and solution rather that telling someone else what they should do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Des Plaines,IL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by nandm
I do agree that honesty is an important part of the healing process. But many times honesty is best given by those closest to the person, from anyone else it comes across as mean spirited. I know I am much more accepting of someone close to me, who knows me, criticising me. This is why I have a sponsor. This would be the person who is in the best place to "take my inventory".
Was heather taking my moral inventory when she pointed out the inconsistency between what I said and what I did? She doesn't know enough about me to take my inventory, nor do I know enough about her to take her inventory. She was merely calling the balls and strikes as she sees them coming across the plate, and that is what I welcome and embrace. If you want to equate pointing out somebody's mistake to taking somebody's inventory, be my guest. I don't believe that.
Originally Posted by nandm
A stranger on these boards is not qualified to do that. For them to do so only creates a negative, non safe, non supportive, environment.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Never knew I was going to have to get a dictionary out on SR to learn the distinction between sympathy and empathy, yet that's what I'm doing this morning. Much more of this and SR will be more stressful than living with the alcoholic was!
So Heather, what's new in your world? I hope something positive. I'm working on my New Year's plan for a better me. I want it to be forward-moving, yet realistic, which is tough! I'm thinking part is to eliminate e-snooping on R to cut back on his space in my head. Or cutting back on SR if it continues to remind me of him. I've got to get back to 4H work (more space in my head on that).
You know, it's a lot like dieting. I did great a couple years ago with the "more of the good, less of the bad" philosophy. That way the dreaded D word (diet) didn't come into play. I can't totally eliminate food, but I can do a much better job of what I put in my mouth. Same with my head. You know? I don't think it's realistic to say "these XAs will never, ever enter our heads again!", but I think it's realistic to minimize them.
So Heather, what's new in your world? I hope something positive. I'm working on my New Year's plan for a better me. I want it to be forward-moving, yet realistic, which is tough! I'm thinking part is to eliminate e-snooping on R to cut back on his space in my head. Or cutting back on SR if it continues to remind me of him. I've got to get back to 4H work (more space in my head on that).
You know, it's a lot like dieting. I did great a couple years ago with the "more of the good, less of the bad" philosophy. That way the dreaded D word (diet) didn't come into play. I can't totally eliminate food, but I can do a much better job of what I put in my mouth. Same with my head. You know? I don't think it's realistic to say "these XAs will never, ever enter our heads again!", but I think it's realistic to minimize them.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by ccirider
For me, what creates a negative, non supportive environment is when people seek sympathy. Why? Because when people seek sympathy they put feelings first. I am not saying that we shouldn't have empathy for people's feelings, but feelings should not come first, IMHO.
Also, the difference between sympathy and empathy is huge when it comes to detaching.
L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Des Plaines,IL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by nandm
cc
just a thought to consider. Which do you take more stock in? Someone who tells you what you should do or someone who shares with you their experience and what has worked for them.
just a thought to consider. Which do you take more stock in? Someone who tells you what you should do or someone who shares with you their experience and what has worked for them.
Originally Posted by nandm
I find that I can find solutions in listening to others experiences. I find I am driven away from someone who tells me or preaches at me what I should do.
Preaching without empathy doesn't prove that preaching is bad. It just proves that lacking empathy is bad.
Peace.
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Originally Posted by ccirider
For me, what creates a negative, non supportive environment is when people seek sympathy. Why? Because when people seek sympathy they put feelings first. I am not saying that we shouldn't have empathy for people's feelings, but feelings should not come first, IMHO.
Why are you here, why don't you start a thread ABOUT YOU. I'm not looking for people's sympathy and your really bugging me and wish you would go away. I don't know how on earth you think your supporting ANYONE here but causing anguish and frustration and i KNOW i shouldn't even feed into you. And now you'll come back with your philosophical round about response back to me, telling me basically how pathetic i am....i'm tried of it.
P.s. Claudia ~ my world is good at the moment! I too have thought about different New Year's resolutions for myself! Can you have about 10??!!!!
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
If anyone remembers my ORIGINAL post, i'm relieved that Christmas is over and i made it through better than expected. I'm looking forward to leaving 2007 behind forever. I have to say that now sometimes i stop and think "wow i haven't thought about him in a couple hours". So those times are getting further and further apart.
There's a CODA meeting in my area on Sunday nights that me and a friend are going to check out. Someone at AA told us it was a great meeting as she did both. I'm really trying to turn things around as i do know my life would have been more miserable with him than it is right now without him. I can already pretty much predict how his future will turn out and it's not what i want for myself.
There's a CODA meeting in my area on Sunday nights that me and a friend are going to check out. Someone at AA told us it was a great meeting as she did both. I'm really trying to turn things around as i do know my life would have been more miserable with him than it is right now without him. I can already pretty much predict how his future will turn out and it's not what i want for myself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Des Plaines,IL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by hbb
Let me ask you something....do you enjoy making other's feel worse because (and i know i should be ignoring you) you make me want to leave here for good and maybe that's what you want from some of us, i don't know.
Originally Posted by hbb
Why are you here, why don't you start a thread ABOUT YOU. I'm not looking for people's sympathy and your really bugging me and wish you would go away.
Originally Posted by hbb
I don't know how on earth you think your supporting ANYONE here but causing anguish and frustration and i KNOW i shouldn't even feed into you. And now you'll come back with your philosophical round about response back to me, telling me basically how pathetic i am....i'm tried of it.
Peace.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
hey hbb, i'm glad that you (we) made it throught the holidays. i too am looking forward to 2008.
this has been my experience. i was involved with a wonderful guy for two years. i still love him today. in many ways, i still believe he is my soul mate. i think the problem was we were too much alike. he had major commitment issues. i got impatient and did something stupid. i regreted it the minute i did it, but couldn't take it back and i believe that relationship has defined everything in my life since. i determined after that i was not worth it, that was it for me, and i settled. short end of the story.
it has been 10 years and i still think of him. matter of fact, there is a song on the radio right now that takes me right back there. i had no control of that situation or what happened in that relationship (except for that part i mentioned). i was forced to move on. i had no choice. i think about him every day. he is now divorced, but i don't think there is a chance we will get back together. it hurts, and it is hard, but it is what it is. i sure hope there isn't a rule that we can't think about people we loved and or still do. i think it is what we do with those feelings that count.
it has been the posts on here that bothered me the most that i have learned the most from. it has been these post that have forced me to take a really good look at myself and without them i could not have grown as much as i have. the more they challenged me the more i learned about myself. i value everyone's opinions and post on here. they are just that, take what applies and you can use and leave the rest.
i do think that there is a really good point about feelings on here. heck, i'm stuck were i am at right now because of feelings and i don't know how to get myself back out except by starting the detachment process again. ugh.... feelings do keep you stuck. i'm experiencing it right now and can learn from the posts (even ccriders). i hate to see anyone not be able to express their opinions on here.
this has been my experience. i was involved with a wonderful guy for two years. i still love him today. in many ways, i still believe he is my soul mate. i think the problem was we were too much alike. he had major commitment issues. i got impatient and did something stupid. i regreted it the minute i did it, but couldn't take it back and i believe that relationship has defined everything in my life since. i determined after that i was not worth it, that was it for me, and i settled. short end of the story.
it has been 10 years and i still think of him. matter of fact, there is a song on the radio right now that takes me right back there. i had no control of that situation or what happened in that relationship (except for that part i mentioned). i was forced to move on. i had no choice. i think about him every day. he is now divorced, but i don't think there is a chance we will get back together. it hurts, and it is hard, but it is what it is. i sure hope there isn't a rule that we can't think about people we loved and or still do. i think it is what we do with those feelings that count.
it has been the posts on here that bothered me the most that i have learned the most from. it has been these post that have forced me to take a really good look at myself and without them i could not have grown as much as i have. the more they challenged me the more i learned about myself. i value everyone's opinions and post on here. they are just that, take what applies and you can use and leave the rest.
i do think that there is a really good point about feelings on here. heck, i'm stuck were i am at right now because of feelings and i don't know how to get myself back out except by starting the detachment process again. ugh.... feelings do keep you stuck. i'm experiencing it right now and can learn from the posts (even ccriders). i hate to see anyone not be able to express their opinions on here.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Hopeangel,
You may be temporarily stuck right now, but I remember when you first came to SR and I want to remind you that you are miles from where you were.
Thank you so much for the eloquent post. I wholeheartedly agree that all opinions should be welcome, even the unpopular ones, or the ones that make us uncomfortable. Recovery is all about getting out of the old, destructive comfort zone.
Heather,
Nobody called you pathetic, and I doubt anyone here thinks you are. So why do you think you feel that way?
L
You may be temporarily stuck right now, but I remember when you first came to SR and I want to remind you that you are miles from where you were.
Thank you so much for the eloquent post. I wholeheartedly agree that all opinions should be welcome, even the unpopular ones, or the ones that make us uncomfortable. Recovery is all about getting out of the old, destructive comfort zone.Heather,
Nobody called you pathetic, and I doubt anyone here thinks you are. So why do you think you feel that way?
L
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
yep lateeda 
thanks to you and others i am miles from where i started here. when i came, i came in desperation, and EVERYTHING was about what was being done to me. i had lost my own identity completely. it was all wrapped up in what everyone had done TO ME. it never occured to me that i had responsibility for my own life. posts, much like the ones in this thread helped me figure out why i am where i am and slowly helped me find myself again. they brought me to the realization that i am in control of my life and it is my choices that dictate it. they brought me out of victim mode and are hopefully now going to lead me to action mode.
and heather, i don't think anybody is saying that you shouldn't have the feelings you do. we have all had them and have them. they are valid feelings. i'm just encouraging you to take the next step with us and start asking yourself questions like, why did i choose to be in the relationship i was in, how has it affected me, and what do i choose to do now??? just starters. i REALLY hopes this helps in some way Heather.
i understand what you are going through.
thanks to you and others i am miles from where i started here. when i came, i came in desperation, and EVERYTHING was about what was being done to me. i had lost my own identity completely. it was all wrapped up in what everyone had done TO ME. it never occured to me that i had responsibility for my own life. posts, much like the ones in this thread helped me figure out why i am where i am and slowly helped me find myself again. they brought me to the realization that i am in control of my life and it is my choices that dictate it. they brought me out of victim mode and are hopefully now going to lead me to action mode. and heather, i don't think anybody is saying that you shouldn't have the feelings you do. we have all had them and have them. they are valid feelings. i'm just encouraging you to take the next step with us and start asking yourself questions like, why did i choose to be in the relationship i was in, how has it affected me, and what do i choose to do now??? just starters. i REALLY hopes this helps in some way Heather.
i understand what you are going through.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Let me start with..... I also believe everyone can have an opinion and sometimes the hurtful ones are the ones I need to pay attention too.... BUT I also feel it has alot to do with HOW you say something.... In early recovery when I still fought with my Alcoholic my sponsor told me.... State the problem/opinion/want once.... then let it go, there is insanity in fighting an Alcoholic. I think that probably stands true for many situations.
Im Glad to see we are back on track with this Thread.
NOW..... This is what I like to see.
Its my opinion to feel the feelings but dont let the feelings control the actions you take.... my "feelings" get me in more trouble, especially when Im hurt. However, when I dont allow myself to feel it is sure to come up another time. Going to meetings .... reaching out to friends/sponsor's and playing the tape all the way through is recovery in my book.... does not mean we dont feel.
I still feel love for my ex and honestly Im glad I do, we had some really great times together and I learned alot from that relationship.... I still think about him and have feelings.... but I will take no action on feelings because they dont change the reality of the issues in the relationship.
See Hbb... your growing, doing much better. Just keep taking the next step and everyday gets better and better.
Im Glad to see we are back on track with this Thread.
NOW..... This is what I like to see.
There's a CODA meeting in my area on Sunday nights that me and a friend are going to check out. Someone at AA told us it was a great meeting as she did both. I'm really trying to turn things around as i do know my life would have been more miserable with him than it is right now without him. I can already pretty much predict how his future will turn out and it's not what i want for myself.
I still feel love for my ex and honestly Im glad I do, we had some really great times together and I learned alot from that relationship.... I still think about him and have feelings.... but I will take no action on feelings because they dont change the reality of the issues in the relationship.
See Hbb... your growing, doing much better. Just keep taking the next step and everyday gets better and better.
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Originally Posted by BayouSelf
can I just say....."GOOD GRIEF".....!
Hopeangel ~ thank you for your wonderful post. I do agree with being able to share opinions and personal experiences whomever it may be. However, i don't think i am the only one that feels like some of the posts are aggressive and make some (me) feel like i shouldn't seek support here. And i'm in no way saying anything should be sugar coated but some posts plain old hurt.
LTD ~ I feel like certain posts came across like i am pathetic, maybe the word wasn't used directly but it pretty much summed it up.
I felt earlier that i was being attacked. JMO
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