hbb

Well it's a year today that i told my ex we were done unless he got help for his drinking (wishing i ended things for good then). I know today doesn't matter but i hate that i can remember dates like this. I know nothing about him right now, which is for the best ... well other than the crappy news i've heard of him having a baby with his exgf. So today would be his sober date of one year, not sure that's even the truth. I know none of this really matters but as i get closer to Christmas i want the pain to just stop for the next few days at least. I've been forcing myself when he pops in my head to quickly do or think of something else. My therapist told me to think about it like a food seperator at the grocery store and when thoughts of him come, put the seperator down.....i'll try anything now

I think i'm almost past the little date markers, and know that the holidays were nothing special with him anyways. I decided a few weeks ago that being miserable around Christmas would NOT change a darn thing so why put my friends and family through the torture.

Deep, and we're talking DEEP down inside i know he's not right or even good enough for me and how i want to live an honest life. I realize that i would have an unhappy, unhealthy and poor life with him. Still hurts. I try to tell myself that i would rather be alone than deal with his drama and chaos. Anyways, i just wanted to get this out being a year and all..... I guess i would like to think that maybe he does in some way appreciate me. Who knows and i'll probably never know...

denny57

Heather, I don't know where you live, but I'd suggest making a call or search to find something local you can volunteer for over the holidays. Handing out toys, volunteering at the hospital, retirement home, etc. You might be amazed at the results.

Barbara52

{hugs} You will continue down your particular road to health and happiness. There will come a time when you truly do not think about him except in passing.

ICU

hbb,

I know, sometimes the pain is still there, but it does get less and less. I have fleeting thoughts of my ex (my third Christmas) without him. I'm hoping next year at this time I won't even remember to count.

Can you consider looking at it this way...a year ago today you were not where you are now! (I hope that came out right). Can you find things to celebrate about your own process in the journey? For example: the knowledge you have gained, some insights into what you accepted then that you no longer do now?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, yes, it's important to recognize the loss, but, it's even more important to recognize and embrace what you have gained!

hbb

Thank you, your right. I can say that sometimes i do breath a sigh of relief because of all the chaos with his family and our phones ringing off the hook at every crisis. I don't miss that. And i DO know that won't change with or without me around and it was exhausting. I keep telling myself that i deserve better, better treatment overall.

You know, i was sitting here earlier thinking of all the laundry, cooking, and going out of my way i did this time last year. But i like doing those things, i felt connected at the time and we were going to be this little family and now that he wasn't drinking anymore life was going to be perfect! Boy was i wrong but i do agree he has alot of getting better to do, i know i do too.

My friend said to me the other day that it was really weird how he pulled the wool over everyone's eyes, not just mine. It's hard to understand that behavior because i couldn't live with myself, but that's just me

Spiritual Seeker

It is normal to miss what was and the possibility of what you hoped could have been.
At the holiday we miss a sense of family.
You are mourning the man you hope he would be.
It has been a yr. but picking up the pieces of your life takes time.
Big ol' holiday hugs coming your way ((((((((((((Heather))))))))))))))))))))

hbb

I've been forcing myself to keep busy and not let my mind wander but as the days get closer to Christmas i feel i'm about to break down. Just thinking i'm the only one that's not a "couple" for the next few parties and on new years i'm the one alone once again.

However i am grateful for my friends and family and that you know who paid the loan today so at least my mind is at ease till next month. I think i just have the blues which i think is kinda normal right now for this time of year and i'm trying to come up with a realistic and really good new years resolution re this whole thing.

ICU

I hear you about the holidays blues thing.

I remember the times I didn't have anyone around the holidays, feeling like the odd man out, the third wheel kind of thing. I wished so hard that I would have someone special in my life, especially around the holidays.

Then, my previous bf (not the alcoholic) and I would always seem to argue a day or two before each holiday. Every year, it never failed. It lessened the happiness on those days.

Then, while with my last ex, well, he was watching violent movies on Christmas, passed out early, just like every night, and same for New Years. Although there was a body there, I was still alone. And lonely! To me, that's the worst kind of lonely, when someone is under the same roof with you, but not really there at all.

I was actually looking forward to Christmas this year, until I heard the news about my cat that is. Now, I'm trying to get by as best as I can, knowing it will be his last Christmas.

I'm allowing myself to feel the pain, and cry as much as I want. But I'm putting limits on it. I still have to remake that candy that I ruined the other night.

Sometimes it's hard to make the best of things when we're feeling blue. But I think as long as we try to enjoy as much as possible, no matter what the circumstances, we'll come through it just fine!

I'll be thinking of you over the next few days. I'll be here (SR) on Christmas, so pop in if you need some support!

geees poncho

BIG 10/4 on the blues, I have my puppy papillon to keep me co. and all he wants to do is steel my pizza. ICU i'm sorry about the cat news, i'm more of a dog man, but pets are family too. I had to put my rottie down last year, I cried like a baby. She was 13 yo.
HBB thank GOD for family & freinds and this forum, I'd be bouncen off the walls by now.
Come to think of it that kinda sounds like fun.:bounce:bounce:bounce

ICU

I was trying to find my 'social calendar' to see if I'd be here on New Years too. Then it dawned on me....I don't have a social calendar!! :crazy So, I'll be here then too!

Thanks geees poncho. I have both dogs and cats!

RosieM

Feeling it myself. AH has been gone a couple of weeks, his family has broken off contact with me, I'm kind of all alone since we moved here to be closer to his folks. Had a breast biopsy yesterday, he was here when I got back, fresh from a therapy appt where they talked about "anger management." He told me he was angry that I let the dog on the sofa and she left a footprint and he should have said something about it earlier! He is so looking for things to be mad about. I guess he has plenty to be angry about now since he is living with his brother. Anyway, emotional day yesterday and his contributions didn't help. Feeling kind of paralyzed at the moment.Definitely a case of the blues.

happyflower

Heather,

I know how much it hurts. I am in a similar situation but it's not even been an year but a month. I just broke up with my ex and it happened a week before my birthday and before all the wonderful holidays.
I think I am much better than a month ago. My advice to you is to be strong and think positive. What happened happened for a reason and I am sure you know it deep down in your heart. The holidays are just holidays and there are not a reason to be more sad. Keep your chin up. Believe that you deserve better and it will come to you.
Take care of yourself and be happy

hbb

I know, its just getting there that's the hard part. We actually broke up in July.

Last year was when he quit drinking and i thought things would be GREAT. But after being here for several months, the success stories of quitting drinking and living happily ever after are far and few between. I do believe that there is probably that right person out there but it's looking grim to me at the moment. I can't help but feel, i should be having that family that they are having, i'm deserving of that and have worked so hard at living life on life's terms to end up at the bottom once again. When did life become so hard???

sketscher

oh hbb. I know the pain of feeling as though you should be having a family.

someone on here once said they wondered how many women fall into the caring of an alcoholic to feed their desire for a child. I think I did that. I treated my xabf just like a sick child. even kind of relished in that sometimes. It made me feel needed. He provided a sick person and I provided the caring. He even once told me that is what he loved about me. That I was so tender. it was all so sick really.

You will find someone who is right for you! And hopefully you will love yourself enough to know you deserve it when they present themselves.

That is what I am struggling with right now. Trying to open my eyes wide enough.

denny57

Alrighty, Heather - you're in Boston? Did you find out about any volunteering opportunites? Everyone needs kind, caring, compassionate people at this time of the year. And guess what - you tend to meet other kind, caring compassionate people at the same time - ones who appreciate those qualities in you.

((()))

hbb

Yes, i'm in Boston, and your right, there are probably a TON of places needing of assistance this time of year, especially in this large city. My therapist was mentioning the same thing. I'm going to look into this and see what i can do. We also have gift giving for families at the gym that i'm going to look into tomorrow.

CBrown

Heather, I'm with you about the Holidays. Oh, I've been Christmas shopping, but my life certainly hasn't revolved around it. I still have three people to buy for, but I love shopping on Christmas Eve, so that's okay. R has never been with me for the Holidays, so I'm not missing much there. I pretty much am looking at New Year's Day as a day of new beginnings. Out with the old, in with the new, kinda! There's no reason either of us will contact each other, unless the trip he went on this past week with the GF was a total disaster. Even so, he knows I'm a hostile XGF anyway! Nothing's changed there, because I have zero respect for him. I have a hard time hiding my disdain for a person who has lost all my respect.

One good thing -- we've passed the shortest day of the year, and we're journeying toward longer, brighter days. I always like the thought of that. Time is what it's going to take, we'll just hang in there!

ccirider

Hi hbb:

I know what your thinking: oh no, here is this rude (at least according to moderator Mike) ccirider guy posting to me. Right? I read your post and I have read people's responses to you. I am just waiting for somebody to be honest with you and state the obvious. I have heard a lot of people sending you cyber-hugs and telling you how sorry they are that you are going through all of this during the holidays. Don't expect me to do that because that isn't my idea of support. There is a big difference between sympathy and support, but unfortunately, alcoholics and codependents have an extremely difficult time separating between the two. If alcoholics and codependents want to sit on the pity pot, that is their business, and they can sit on it all they want. When they get good and tired of sitting on that pot, they need to remember to flush behind themselves.

I have been living with a codependent woman for the last 24 years, although I didn't even know what codependency was until 6 months ago. One thing I do know about codependents is that they love sympathy. They are addicted to other human beings in a toxic way and they seek sympathy from others for the pain they are in. I have to constantly remind the codependent in my life to stop talking about the people she is addicted to, but guess what? She cannot stop talking about them. No matter how many times I tell her to stop talking about them and leave them alone, she cannot. It's part of the sickness, and until she faces her problem and gets honest with herself, she will always have this sickness. Since she can't get sympathy from me, guess what she does? She seeks sympathy from elsewhere, and until she faces her problem, she will always be seeking sympathy from others.

So my advice to you hbb is to get on with your life. Your xabf is no longer a part of your life, but here you are still talking about him 6 months later. He has moved on, but you haven't because you are still addicted to him. Doesn't an alcoholic have to stop drinking if they want to recover? Just like an alcoholic cannot pickup a drink, codependents cannot pickup a conversation about the people they are addicted to if they want to recover. I have heard the denials and rationalizations in the other thread that was closed about how they just want to understand their xabfs better. It's all BS to me, and I also say the same thing to alcoholics and addicts when they put forth their denials and rationalizations. Why should codependents be any different?

Okay, I will leave now, and let Mike come along and tell you how rude I am for being honest and apologize to you for my rudeness. His apology isn't going to help you at all in your recovery, but if you take my advice, which comes from MY personal experience (you listening Mike? I am speaking in first person) you might just start to feel better. It works for me Mike! The addict must let go of his addiction, and the codependent must let go of the addict. If you are still talking about the addict that was in your life 6 months ago, that isn't what I would call letting go. I could lie to you if that is what you want, but how is that supposed to benefit you? Truth and honesty benefits us and lies don't, but instead of making truth and honesty our friend, we make it an enemy by labelling it "rude" or "offensive". I wish you the best of luck, have a happy holiday, and STOP talking about your xabf.

Peace.

ICU

It's a journey ccirider. Everyone's path is different, and everyone reaches their destination in their time, and in their way.

Holidays can be a very hard and lonely time for some. We tend to think of family, friends ,and pets, the ones that we still have, and yes, the ones that we’ve lost. I think that's perfectly normal. I think it's good to admit whatever a person is feeling and to reach out for support as needed. What a cold and heartless world it would be without caring and compassionate people in it.

I've certainly been given my share of hugs and support from this wonderful group of people that I have been so fortunate to get to know here. I am grateful for that and want to be a source of comfort and perhaps a light that shines a little for those that are hurting now too! I love the give and take of this place.

Heather, I reached a couple of 'pre bottoms' if you will, several times before my final bottom (well, at least I pray that was my final bottom, LOL). What I figured out is, until I learned the lessons needing learning, I was going to repeat the same mistakes over and over. When I finally landed on 'THE' bottom, it knocked me for a loop (it was much different than all the rest). I think it was harder, because I was finally tired of hurting and I was now ready to change.

I'm a couple of years beyond that now, and to be honest, I'm grateful for that bottom now (but I wasn't at the time)! I had no where to go but up! I got to rebuild my life, and me, one step at a time, the way "I" wanted to do it based on what was important to me, what I would accept, and, what I wouldn't accept. It's a whole new world. A much better world than I ever could anticipate.

Is it perfect? Nope! It never will be! The awareness I have of my life's choices has been a map guiding where 'not to go' anymore, if that makes sense. There is still hurt, still pain, but, that is part of life which can't be avoided. Along my journey specifically, I have learned to admit how I feel as I feel it. And...to reach out to supportive people. See, I used to keep it all inside. Kept me pretty miserable most of the time too!

One of the first steps I took to rebuilding me was getting to know me. I already knew what I didn't like for sure, but somewhere along my path, I forgot or lost touch with 'what I do like'. I started by actually writing down a list of things I would like to do…things that made ’me’ happy. I gotta tell you, it was hard coming up with the first item. It took me hours to figure it out. Eventually, as I forced myself to write this list, I began remembering various things that used to make me happy. And, I started doing them. Simple stuff like seeing a funny movie, buying a new plant, taking a bubble bath, treating myself to a special dessert and flavored coffee. Yes, they are little things, but the point is that I was learning to love and care for myself. I gotta tell you, nobody does it better (than me). Wasn't that a Carly Simon song?

What do you think about the list of what you like to do idea? Got nothing to loose by giving it a try, right?

I don't particularly care for the slogan 'fake it till you make it', so I'll share with you what's worked for, and made sense to me...'faith it till you make it'!

Hugs to (((Heather)))!

BayouSelf

as my sponsor would say hbb.....take what you like and leave the rest....everyone has their own opinions....

Healing from loss takes time.....