Barbara52

You're not alone in that. MY STBXAH is in "love" with another woman. Near as I can figure he started his relationship within a month of begging me to come back and declaring his love for me again.

For me it was a surprise at first. Then I realized he needs a woman in his life to validate his perceptions of himself, perceptions that have little to do with reality. It doesn't hurt me, never did. Probably because he had killed what love I had for him by the time I left him. I wish he would instead deal with his issues and get into recovery. But that's not gonna happen apparently. I feel sorry for this new woman who has no idea what she is getting herself into yet. But its not my problem and I will not insert myself into it.

LaTeeDa

I know what you mean. I had my fantasy life all planned out, too. And, I waited for two decades of my life for it to happen. And it never did. Then, after I kicked him out, now two years ago, he's quit drinking, lost weight, works out every day, and is finally getting the dental work done that has been needed for years. Sometimes I slip into thinking "why couldn't he do all that before our marriage fell apart?" I really don't know if he's gone on to someone else, but I do know he finally did all the things I begged him for years to do. After it was too late. It hurts sometimes to see that.

But, I believe everything happens for a reason. I may not know what that reason is, but I trust that if I do the best I can with what is, the universe will unfold exactly as it should. I have no idea if the changes my X has made will last, and more importantly, I have no idea if he is truly happy. I do know that I am becoming a totally different person than the one who was married to him. I like myself and my life and know that whatever is meant to be for me will. I cannot make things happen just because I have some fantasy of what my life should be. For me, it took letting go of my ideas of how life ought to be and embracing life for what it is. A grand adventure where you never know exactly what will happen next or how it will all turn out. It's taken some time to get to this place, but small changes in the way I looked at certain things led to big changes in my whole perception.

Instead of wasting my time longing for the future I had imagined, I now find myself looking forward to the adventure. I have no idea where this new life might take me, and that is very exciting to think about.

L

denny57

LTD, it is a glorious adventure! While living with alcoholism I lost sight of that. I know now it was because I felt like crap about me, not him, that I stayed stuck.

hbb

Thank you, your post does make things more clear to me as you've lived it for 20 years. I fist off want to say that i am thankful i'm given that second chance early, before marriage, children, further financial ruin. And for me, i do have the answer to the above re my ex, he has made no changes for the better since i've been gone. It's good if he's still sober but even then, he's worse and when i did see him he looked clean shaven, hair cut but i truly know what's under that exterior. It's not what i want for 20 years and maybe after the holidays i'll really start to let go because like so many of you have said "a leopard doesn't change it's spots" and i do believe that. He is who he is regardless of whom he's with. And to be honest, i really can't tell you why i'm still feeling sad and depressed six months later, i really cant. I've taken all the steps in the right direction re helping myself in different ways but somehow it ends up that i'm back full circle and sad again.

ccirider

I think that you do know why you are still feeling sad and depressed six months later. I am not here to beat you up, but I don't think that you are being honest here.

Hbb, honestly, if you would have taken all of the steps in the right direction, would you be back full circle and sad again? Why do steps in the right direction work for some and not for others? Could it be that some people are deluding themselves into thinking that they are taking the right steps? I know that I am not your favorite person on this forum, but I am not trying to win a popularity contest here am I?

Peace.

CBrown

"You're not alone in that. MY STBXAH is in "love" with another woman. Near as I can figure he started his relationship within a month of begging me to come back and declaring his love for me again."

I thought my XABF's current woman was G, not you Barbara! Seriously, R did the same thing. "I love and miss you with all my heart" he said, but sure did sing a different tune within a month! Well, she's welcome to him, the train wreck that he is.

I might suggest that there's a difference between the people who were married with AHs and those of us who were dating, still in the honeymoon period, and got the boot. I think after 10-20 years of marriage, it's no wonder the love was gone. I was still deeply in love with my XABF when he took off. When that happens, it's like a sudden death, where you don't have time to say goodbye, and suddenly nothing is what you thought it was. It's just a different situation.

LaTeeDa

I think it can be dangerous to assume you know how another person is feeling/felt. The love was not gone in my marriage. I will always love the father of my children. If anything it hurt that much more because we were together for so long and how could that not mean something?

Bottom line is, it hurts to be involved with an alcoholic or addict on many levels. That's why we're here.

Sorry, Heather, about the hijack. I have something else to post to you.

L

LaTeeDa

Heather,

I want to post a quote to you from "The Road Less Traveled," which is one of the books that really helped me to understand why I did the things I did. And, even more important, how I could change things. This quote is actually the author quoting one of his friends, who he doesn't name, so I cannot properly attribute it to anyone. It was one thing that I read that made a huge impact on me.

L

Barbara52

CBrown, I was only married 4 years. The last 2 consisted of me working toward leaving, accepting that I was in a second failed marriage. He killed the love within a very short period of time really. When he decided, and yes I do view it as a decision, to embrace his unemployment and sit on his butt for 2+ years, when he chose to continue drinking to excess over the requests of me and his children, he killed it. It just took a while for me to wake up and start my return to who I really am.

hbb

Thank you for posting that for me/us. I can tell you full well that depending on J would have made me very disappointed. I know it, there's no denying it. Yet i still hang onto that feeling like "why me" when i should be saying "why him, he did me a favor"! I'm putting a few resolutions together re this issue for a much happier new year. If i could stop playing this one tape in my head about rehashing how he went about things i think i'd be much better off. I've come to terms re the money/loan, as he's been paying it and i don't want to rock the boat there. It's the bing bang boom, sneak away, cheat, then lie about it, go back to his ex, connection to pay me monthly for the next 4 years, she gets pregant mess.

So i sit back and think to myself (which my mother thinks i'm nuts) that he's got it all together now....but in reality HE HAS NOTHING TOGETHER and probably won't EVER as he's ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY!!! There's no white picket fence, there's no get a super duper job and strive for better, i've created this and i know it. Is the tape to be playing, not the other one!!!

CBrown

"I think it can be dangerous to assume you know how another person is feeling/felt. The love was not gone in my marriage." True. Where I got that from was Barbara's quote "It doesn't hurt me, never did. Probably because he had killed what love I had for him by the time I left him." I made a blanket assumption for all long-term married people and shouldn't have. Every case is probably different. I was married to my XH for 10 years and was friends with R (the XABF) for 10 years as well and I loved R a thousand times more than I did the XH. I didn't live with R all that time, though.

Anyway, I guess I was wondering if there was a pattern, and apparently there isn't.

"I think that you do know why you are still feeling sad and depressed six months later. I am not here to beat you up, but I don't think that you are being honest here."

I can't speak for Heather, but I know that I am being honest with myself at this point, and yet down the road I may have a discovery or revelation that changes the perspective altogether. Like Heather, I have been away from R since the end of summer and I know I still am having troubles with the break at times. Learning about oneself isn't instantaneous, or else none of us would be on here.

Barbara ... I can relate to your last post. It can take a while to "wake up and smell the coffee" and begin the journey back to wholeness.

hbb

If in your profile you said you were a "recovering codependent" why do you feel the need to CONSTANTLY point out ALL that is wrong with someone. We are all here for a reason S U P P O R T and heaven forbid someone not get it right the first time. Honestly, i'm sick of defending myself to you, yet i keep having to. How about sometime posting something like "i know your going through a tough time" or something along those lines? I'm aware that that doesn't answer questions as to why i'm stuck at the moment but your demeanor towards me is mind boggling.

denny57

I never fell out of love while in the marriage and only through recovery have I learned that kind of love was not a healthy one; but it was devastating all the same.

Heather, have you shook up your world yet? Did you volunteer over Christmas?

ccirider

Hi Hbb:

This is your thread, so I am not derailing your thread, am I? I asked you some questions, which were actually very good questions if you would have taken the time to ponder them. You didn't respond to one of them, but that is your choice, and I respect your choice.

When I post something here, people feel free to judge it, comment on it, disagree with it, or question it. That is the way it should be, if we are all here striving to improve ourselves. You have the right to post what you want according to forum rules, and others have the right to respond the way they want to. You don't get to control how others respond to you, but it sure seems like you would like to control that. You don't have to defend yourself to me. You don't even have to respond to my posts. You could just ignore me. The point is you have control over you, but you don't have control over others, no matter how hard you may try to exert that control.

Do you want Mike to gag me because I asked you some honest questions?

Hbb, honestly, if you would have taken all of the steps in the right direction, would you be back full circle and sad again? Why do steps in the right direction work for some and not for others? Could it be that some people are deluding themselves into thinking that they are taking the right steps?

If you want me to accept that you have honestly taken all of the steps in the right direction, yet you are still going in circles, I don't believe that. You may believe that to be true, but I don't. Everybody has their own timeline for recovery (some never recover), so I am not going to push you into recovery anymore than I would an alcoholic.

Peace.

nandm

cc can you consider that maybe it would be best if you stuck to your posting from 12/23/07 rather than creating controversy and hurt feelings?

LaTeeDa

I can't retype the whole chapter here, but I wanted to clarify that the type of dependence referred to in the quote I posted has nothing whatsoever to do with financial dependency. It is the type of dependency that comes from feeling a lack inside. An emptiness that causes us to scramble for love and cling desperately to it once we find it. It is the type of dependency that keeps us in relationships that aren't healthy and makes us pine for those same unhealthy people when the relationship ends. It also causes us get too serious too quickly rather than taking the time to really get to know the object of our affection.

I spent most of my life being "other focused" because of these feelings. I had dreams of my life that always included someone else. I didn't have any dreams that were based solely on me. It took much soul searching and pain to come to terms with this. Today, I know that my life does not depend
on having a significant other. For me now, a relationship is a bonus, not a requirement. I do not depend on someone else to make my life happy. I am happy all by myself and that gives me the freedom to choose who I share my happiness with, and who I walk away from.

L

denny57

This is a good example of why I hold the opinion I do of codependency. ALL my dreams before AH were based solely on me. It was certainly something AH claimed attracted him to me, and actually I believe that. As his disease took over, so did my codependency grow. Only then did my dreams for me take a back seat to our dreams for him.

Today I have recovered a large part of those dreams and I am making up for lost time. Whenever I hear the phrase cunning, powerful and baffling, I have absolutely no doubt about what is being referred to.

LaTeeDa

You're absolutely right, Denny. Each of us is different. For me, it took a relationship with an alcoholic to force me to look at my internal issues, which were there all along.

I guess something about this thread resonates with those issues, and I feel the need to share.

L

denny57

I agree, LTD, it was my relationship with an alcoholic that also drove me to look at my issues. So in that sense I am very grateful for the impetus. Can't say I am totally thrilled with that particular journey, but there were certainly some good times and thrills along the way.

It resonates with me, too. I don't know that I'll ever completely understand it - if experts don't . . . I don't think I even want to.

hbb

I didn't mean financially either (i knew that on my own from day 1!!!). I agree, i would have been physically with him but alone as he doesn't have much to give internally. I know that J doesn't know what love truly is and may never know. There's alot of issues with him that go way further than him being an alcoholic and me standing by his side and supporting him. He's unfortunately a mess all the way back to 16 and now he's 34. I certainly know i have my issues to work on too, and i agree with you and Denny, it took this to start the process of fixing me. I know there was no solid foundation and no future to speak of as soon as he stared acting so dry and was always miserable. I do wish he'd seek the help and treatment he needs for a better life but now i've taken those steps for me.