DAY 31 - Morning Wood - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Every day is a new day, that's what I keep telling myself. The struggle is real. I'm in deep with this addiction to wine. I am searching for the answer how to turn it off. I feel lucky if I can keep it down to a daily minimum of just one bottle. I pray to God to take this addiction away. Some days I'm a fighter. Other days are a bit more challenging. Hopefully by putting this out there, starting today, I can find a new hope and believe in myself again.

LoveHateMerlot
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DAY 31 - Morning Wood

Posted 01-29-2019 at 09:24 AM by LoveHateMerlot

This post has mild sexual content, please proceed with caution...

For the past week, I have had a sore throat, aches and pains throughout my body, out of breath quickly, congestion in my lungs, and mild fevers. I haven't been to the doctor because everyone around me that I know has had it. At first I thought it was related to my body's reaction to this intermittent fasting, but too many people around me have similar symptoms. I am just riding it out.

I have been feeling miserable and it's effecting (affecting? I never know which one to use) my attitude. I haven't had any desire to talk to my husband and taking care of my family is just a huge burden to me right now. I am usually very positive, and usually doing special things for my family to show them how much I love them. The past week I feel like they can go suck it. They should be taking care of me while I am sick, but it doesn't ever work that way. For some reason they think I am super woman and I have super powers to continue at 100% capacity. I do actually, continue to do it all, but with a very short temper. I don't like this feeling, I tried to meditate yesterday and I even soaked my achey muscles in a hot tub thinking that was the magic, it wasn't.

Man, sobriety is tough. You are forced to release all those skeletons in the closet that have been tucked away for so long. Most of mine are from my childhood, I am pretty sure a lot of alcoholics have a troubled childhood past. I know for me, heavily drinking wine locked that closet door. I did crack the door once in a while on a drunken binge, but immediately shoved those skeletons right back in.

When I was 6, my mom left my birth father because he was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusing my two older sisters (they shared a different dad). I would later have 2 step-siblings later on, but my sisters and I have always had a special bond. My mom did not ever worry about my birth father touching me, because I was his daughter, but she was wrong. I was forced to sleep in his bed with him. In the mornings, he would come up behind me, spooning me, while rubbing his erection on me. It is still so painful, so vivid, so absolutely disgusting that I want to throw up right this minute.

I have had quite a few men in the past that I have spent the night with. Surprise, surprise. I carry a lot of shame over that. From my experience, most woke up with "morning wood". It is a very common thing and when it happens, it can be embarrassing or welcomed or beneficial or annoying. I totally get the science behind it, so I am not about to shame or embarrass any man for having these experiences. I am just merely prefacing what I am about to say about my personal experience with my husband.

Since I have been sober and my memories are intense, I have felt so uncomfortable with intimacy and my husband. There has been zero intimate contact for 31 days. When my husband wakes up every morning, without a doubt, he will have morning wood. He rolls over and grabs my hips and pounds into me, expecting me to scream and beg for him like the girls faking it in pornos he must be watching. Why do men know that the girls' outrageous moans and dirty talk is all fake but still expect their partner to behave that way? It makes me not want to be intimate ever because of it. I have been with many, I am not proud, but I can verify that every man expected it. If I wasn't moaning, yelling or screaming their pride was so bruised and thought that they didn't perform well. Lots of miscommunication there, but I guess I will save that for another day as I am getting way off track here.

Every morning my husband performs this act on me, and lately I just fake asleep, and I don't give in. Shouldn't he have learned by now? He doesn't give up. Sometimes I am quietly having a panic attack inside, sometimes it triggers depression, and sometimes anger. I never get to wake up peacefully. When I wasn't sober, and not dealing with these childhood memories, I would give into my husband's fantasies as my wifely duties. I feel it is important to meet each other halfway and to make sacrifices for one another. Right now, during my sobriety, as soon as he comes up behind me in the morning, I cringe. It's a trigger. I get very pissed off. I want to kick him in the nards, I am so angry. I want to scream, "GET THE F--- OFF OF ME!" How dare he do this to me? I have actually told him quite a few times before what my Dad used to do to me, but he just forgets about my feelings and how horrific it is for me.

I know, I need to communicate better, I need to tell him again how it makes me feel. But I don't because after I even mention anything about being dissatisfied about him, he takes it as criticism, then feels attacked. He doesn't hear what I am saying and gets very defensive. Yes we tried therapy, we have been to a few different therapists but found that females took my side and males took his side. It is understandable, men and women are completely different, and you either "know from experience" what someone is talking about, or you have researched about it.
Posted in Diary of Wino
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  1. Old Comment
    LoveHateMerlot's Avatar
    #sobriety #sober #wine #wino #mom #stop #drinking #memories #pain #painful #exposed #raw #real #child #molestation #abuse #alcohol #alcoholic #anger #intimacy #marriage #communication #speakup #depression #sad #lonely #struggle
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    Posted 01-29-2019 at 02:12 PM by LoveHateMerlot LoveHateMerlot is offline
 


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