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Every day is a new day, that's what I keep telling myself. The struggle is real. I'm in deep with this addiction to wine. I am searching for the answer how to turn it off. I feel lucky if I can keep it down to a daily minimum of just one bottle. I pray to God to take this addiction away. Some days I'm a fighter. Other days are a bit more challenging. Hopefully by putting this out there, starting today, I can find a new hope and believe in myself again.

LoveHateMerlot
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Day 6 - AA

Posted 01-04-2019 at 08:19 AM by LoveHateMerlot
Updated 01-04-2019 at 08:49 AM by LoveHateMerlot
Tags sobriety , wine , wino

If you have never tried AA and you are searching for something to help you stop, AA may be for you. I am going to describe my personal experiences. I am not writing this to discourage anyone from at least trying it out, it may save your life, but I also know I am not the only one who felt completely uncomfortable. I've been to 3 different locations to see if I could find a fit. This is how it went...

*Disclosure - I smoke sometimes when I drink, along with other bad choices I make when I am drunk. I do not smoke when I am sober, I don't like the smell and I don't like to be around it at all.

FIRST AA LOCATION
I pulled up to a shopping center that had Dollar General, Beall's, a resale store, take out pizza, and a tanning salon. I was 15 minutes early, and having trouble finding the place. I saw a small crowd of people smoking and checked it out. Sure enough they were surrounding this hidden door. As I walked up they were all in deep, very loud conversations with each other. As I approached them they quieted down to check out the fresh meat, they were very nice to me as I asked them if this was where the meetings were held. Unfortunately the door was locked and was forced to wait outside while this group started staring me down. Awkwardly. I just smiled and stood there by myself like an idiot. You could tell this group was very tight, they were all catching up on the gossip, by names. I'm pretty sure they were not all sober. I needed to be surrounded by sober people.
As the door opened I entered the smokey room. I wanted to turn around. I think I chose a "smoking" meeting, but this was my first time and didn't know what I was doing. I sat down at the end of a table. They passed AA books around, smoked so the room was so clouded you could barely see across the room, read from the books, shared stories, shared where they were in life, and then they all stared at me waiting for me to share mine. It was a small group, I was very nervous and intimidated, so I blurted out that I was an alcoholic and was tired of the roller coaster ride and need to stop. They were quiet. I could tell it wasn't enough for them, they just stared at me like I was a freak and needed to know my story, what really brought me there. I just rubbed my sweaty palms together anticipating the speaker start diving into another story. I used to love attention, but as I got older I absolutely hate attention. I feel like I am made of glass and everyone can see all the bad stuff I did. The meeting ends and as we are all walking to our cars I had a woman (who was very high on something) stopped me to ask me why I was there, like she was the voice for the rest of the group. Her friends stared us down. I started sharing very personal information, I always disclose too much information. She talked to me for 45 minutes, while she was twitching, speaking erratically, and jumping up and down...and all I could think of is man I wanted some of that. I didn't go back.

SECOND AA LOCATION
I wanted to give AA another shot. I thought, I just need to find my fit. I drove to the next nearest meeting, which was pretty far from me. Similar location, similar loud people, one drunk person, but no smoking inside. I gave it a shot. I walked in and sat at the end of the table, and while the speaker who was only 90 days sober still led the meeting. I thought there was no way I could lead a meeting at 4 months sober, so I was inspired by her. I listened to her story, it was pretty sad, and she was in a tough situation with her kids. I was okay at this meeting, although I felt anything but acceptance. After some people shared their latest, they all turned to me, once again expecting me to dish it all out for them. I wasn't ready still, so I just said I think I am an alcoholic. That was not good enough, they did not like me, especially the girls. One girl said, "Why are you sitting all the way over there are you too good to sit with us?" I wanted to say "Well b*tch I don't know anyone and nobody has been friendly to me." They asked me questions not out of compassion and concern but in a judgey way, and it all happened so quick. It was awful. I left and never went back.

THIRD AA LOCATION
Third time's a charm right? I do have to say this went a lot better. I picked a "smoke-free" meeting that was held at a church in a very nice area. It was crazy packed! Shoulder to shoulder. There were actually 3 leaders, 1 main leader. I sat in the crowd, thinking this was great, they aren't going to pick on me this time. Instead, at this meeting, one by one, you go around the room introducing yourself as "Hi I'm ______ and I am an alcoholic." There were at least 50 people in that tiny room, we had to hear that 50 times, one by one. Ugh! That took at least 10 minutes of the meeting before they even started. I did gain a lot of support that day, from the stories that were being told from the lawyer, the school teacher, the real estate agent, the retired marine, etc. I felt like I was going to fit right in this place, it was so laid back, and best of all people were not staring at me. People did not pressure me to share my story. I just listened to people share stories that were very similar to mine, like "I had to go to a wedding and I got sh*t faced and embarrassed my kids" stories. At the end of the meeting a very lovely, older lady approached me, gently, and asked if this was my first time. I told her my previous experiences, and she said that I came to the right place. She was sober for 2 years, and she said it changed her world. I was mesmerized by her, her skin was so tight, she had the brightest eyes, bright red hair, and I just remember wanting to be around her all the time. She had asked me if I needed a sponsor, I said yes, and she offered! I felt like this was going to be so great! She gave me a packet, her phone number and a huge hug.

I never went back. I never called her once. I think because I knew in my heart that I wasn't ready to give up alcohol at that point. I didn't want to let her down, this beautiful, sincere, amazing human that embraced me and all my demons so quickly.

I think I will look up to see when their next meeting is. I am ready now, and I hope she is still there to sponsor me.
Posted in Diary of Wino
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    LoveHateMerlot's Avatar
    #alcoholism #aa #wine #wino #drunk #recovery #sober #sobriety #alcoholic #help #addiction
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    Posted 01-04-2019 at 09:20 AM by LoveHateMerlot LoveHateMerlot is offline
 


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