Jeni26

Hi everyone.

I'm almost 10 months sober now. I've got my programme fully in place and its been working fine. I pray, I go to meetings, I share, I meet with my sponsor regularly and we are working the steps, and I've just started therapy for some of my deep-rooted issues. I post regularly on here and I've been doing more than ok. Everything was going so well, especially with my family relationships. It had been months since I'd even thought about a drink, even with the anxiety of starting a new and more stressful job and going into therapy.

I had a very difficult day at work yesterday, and today wasn't much better, and suddenly I'm back into that default position of wanting to drink. I really had to fight it yesterday, and I've got the weekend coming up and am wavering.

I hate feeling like this. Alcohol is on my mind constantly.

What am I doing wrong?

Db1105

Nothing. One life lesson my sponsor had to beat into my head was that feelings aren't facts. That the feeling of wanting to drink is natural for the alcoholic. It took me a long time for that feeling to go away, especially when I had a bad day. The best thing for me during that time was to call my sponsor who would tell me to get to a meeting.

RobbyRobot

Its not natural for this alcoholic to feel like drinking, speaking for myself. Not at all. In fact, if I suddenly did feel like drinking, similar to what Jeni is describing, I would absolutely be asking the same question as she has done:

What am I doing wrong?!

RobbyRobot

My opinion, my experience, its the "fight" that is making the "problem" escalate to the point of "wavering"

I had thought you are already well versed with the idea of surrender?
For me, some surrender is called for... some humility... some gratitude... some rigorous honesty.

You've done exactly the correct thing, imo, to identify that all is not well, and things could be better, by YOU doing whatever. Since you're still taking responsibility for your having a tough time of it, you're in a great place to change things up, and move on!!

Can you talk more about what you mean by "difficult" and why does "wavering" cause you to dread the future?

Sorry for your present tough times, Jeni.

hypochondriac

I don't think you're doing anything wrong Jeni. It is only natural after being so strong to have moments where you feel like throwing the towel in. I know I have had a few. But it passes in time. Keep doing what you are doing and don't drink. It'll all come right again. Stay strong lovely xxx

Jeni26

I have surrendered in as much as I know I'm powerless over alcohol, that if I were to drink one, I would end up in a dark place. The fight yesterday was against buying myself a bottle of vodka. I talked myself out of it by having some sort of internal battle in which common sense won. That time, though the feeling of wanting a drink remains. And yes, I am praying. I am asking for help with this.
Difficult...well my day was stressful as most are but I had to chair a meeting in which the staff were really unhappy at a decision made by the school ( I'm in school management, recently promoted out of the classroom) I felt I had to defend a decision which wasn't made by me, but in essence I did agree with. Dealing with a group of disgruntled and at times angry people put me way out of my comfort zone. I had to act calm and in control but I wanted to bolt out of that room and as far away from the situation as I could. I felt intimidated and out of my depth I guess. Today I dealt with the fallout from that meeting.
Wavering...because I'm not strong and resolute like I have been for months, and that scares me. I'm worried because I'm not at all confident that I won't drink this weekend.

sugarbear1

Drinking was our security blanket. We used it for a very long time, so now it's a bad habit we need to be aware of so we can change it.

As long as you don't drink, you are doing everything right!

2granddaughters

Recovery is a process, Jeni, you are in the process.

Stay on the beam .. this too shall pass and you will be in a better place. Ask the AA oldtimers in your group. Ask your sponsor.

Don't change your program. Just pray, take a deep breath and move forward slowly.

You are right where you should be !!

All the best.

Bob R

RobbyRobot

If I used your words to tell my story of a bad day under similar circumstances I would be talking about this issue: self-control and control of things, places, and people.

My strongest feelings would revolve around anger, embarrassment, duty, honor, and of course... fear.

When I fought the bottle, the bottle always won. Every. Single. Time. When I finally fought against the consequences of my illness of alcoholism, I won. This though required me to lose the battle to win the war, you know?!

Real responsibility always starts within, and works its way into our greater lives in our daily affairs. With responsibility comes change, and with change comes the requirement for effort, and more often then not, that effort is an all or nothing kind of strength.

With this kind of strength, faith and hope are also , imo, required, if one is of a spiritual nature.

No matter how you stand into the wind, you'll always be facing some level of challenge, and this acceptance is critical to develop a pathway forward out of control issues.

So, for me, you're not successfully dealing with your outstanding control issues, neither with yourself, or with others as well.

The drinking looks attractive, even if dreaded, because this would reduce your control issues to so much madness, and you could once again, while drinking, not be concerned about such issues.

What do you think?

drunkyjules

Stay strong Jeni! You have much to be proud of with your 10 months sober! I think as alcoholics we are going to run into these times every now and again. I do know one thing for sure - it does not get better out there (aka drinking). Try to remember the reasons why you quit, maybe go back and make a list if you haven't already.

Alcohol just helps to numb or mask feelings of anxiety, depression etc. Its a temporary feeling of relief but in the end you will end up feeling worse.

You can do this! You have been doing this for 10 months. Have faith that if you keep on the path in the end you will be very proud and sober. I'm praying for you!!

Jeni26

I will have to think about that Robby.

I am trying to work on this from the inside out if that makes sense. Rather than trying to control situations I pray for guidance but this doesn't always come naturally to me. Fear has always been an issue but I'm working on that too.

I guess I also don't want to be viewed in a negative light by people. Control again I guess. It was only a few months ago that I was seen as everyone's friend, and now I'm 'management' I've lost that big time. Feelings of isolation, of loss of my security, doubts about my ability, etc etc. yeah, maybe it is all about control, and anxiety about losing that. And fear of change. And fear of anger.
Maybe I should spend some time thinking this through a bit more deeply. Or maybe I should just chalk this one up as a bad couple of days and move past it?

Thankyou everyone. I'm sober tonight. On Monday I will be 10 months sober and I don't want to throw that away. I really don't.

awuh1

It’s my belief that things happen for a reason. I don’t always know what that reason is (particularly when things seem to be going badly) but I remain confident that a greater good is involved. I have seen it emerge from “bad” situations countless times. I think that the reason things have been going so well is that you have been living a principled life. No need to change that now IMO.

Veritas1

Jeni, I bought the bottle of vodka for you on this last time drinking.

I thought I could drink vodka and orange juice...

Jeni, I got drunk. I got sick.

You don't have to feel that way.

No one does.

A drink...a drunk...is not the answer.

Hugs Jeni! Don't drink Jeni!

HappyDestiny3

Keep doing what you are Jeni..

Like everyone said you not doing anything wrong.. You a alcoholic....

Member Dr. Bob had cravings daily for the first 2 years..

I hear guys share that after 30 years , every no and then he sees a commerical and his mouth waters..

Like Bob said Stay on the Beam... This too shall pass.. Keep doing what you are , and it will I promise and so does your program.. It will make your sobriety stronger..

Tommyh

keep doing what you are doing and double up on your efforts to stay sober

try to make a extra meeting or two a week,find someone to help,maybe a few newcomers
pile them in your car and take them to meetings.
You won`t drink if you have a carfull of alkies going to a meeting

artsoul

It sounds like you were put in a tough situation that you're not used to being in. I think anyone could have felt overwhelmed. Of course, when we think about wanting to avoid something, there's a chance alcohol is going to come to mind.

You're not doing anything wrong at all. Maybe you just need a little extra support right now in your new position.... (like another person from management there to take some of the heat, or even just someone on your level to talk to).....

Give yourself a hug, OK - you're doing great!

Dee74

I'm with artsoul in this one.

I think sometimes we feel that to even think of drinking means our recovery isn't worth much.

JMO (and I realise I'm an interloper here) but I think you'd be making a mistake there.

You're in tough situations, you're facing things I'm sure you'd not rather face...I think you'd need to be made of stone not to feel a little scared...and with fear in creeps that Great Opportunist, Addiction.

You haven't caved, you're reaching out, I presume you're speaking with your sponsor and other support - you might be able to think of things I can't to shore up your recovery, but I'm not sure what more could be asked of you right now?

D

paul99

My goodness, we're alcoholics...guess what, sometimes we want a drink. Especially when we're early on. 10 months is nothing to sneeze at, of course, and you're doing the things you need to do. But it's still early. Cut yourself some slack. The old timers still go to meetings and work with others and do all the things you do because they are as close to a drink as we are.

Like tommyh mentioned, perhaps doubling up on some things. I have had to do the same when I have been heavily disturbed. I find that when I start to get off the beam, it also means that I am potentially about to breakthrough, spiritually.

Start working with others...doesn't mean you have to sponsor right now (or can you??). That will make a huge difference.

Wishing you the best.

direwolf

Thank you Jeni for sharing. You've definitely helped others with your post. And helping others is one way we stay sober.
May peace be with you.

RevivingOphelia

You can do this.