If I used your words to tell my story of a bad day under similar circumstances I would be talking about this issue: self-control and control of things, places, and people.
My strongest feelings would revolve around anger, embarrassment, duty, honor, and of course... fear.
When I fought the bottle, the bottle always won. Every. Single. Time. When I finally fought against the consequences of my illness of alcoholism, I won. This though required me to lose the battle to win the war, you know?!
Real responsibility always starts within, and works its way into our greater lives in our daily affairs. With responsibility comes change, and with change comes the requirement for effort, and more often then not, that effort is an all or nothing kind of strength.
With this kind of strength, faith and hope are also , imo, required, if one is of a spiritual nature.
No matter how you stand into the wind, you'll always be facing some level of challenge, and this acceptance is critical to develop a pathway forward out of control issues.
So, for me, you're not successfully dealing with your outstanding control issues, neither with yourself, or with others as well.
The drinking looks attractive, even if dreaded, because this would reduce your control issues to so much madness, and you could once again, while drinking, not be concerned about such issues.
What do you think?