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Old 09-01-2014, 08:38 PM   #21 (permalink)
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There isn't anyone that can watch them. My wife's obnoxious attitude has literally run off every friend that I had. Some of those friendships took decades to cultivate and she destroyed them in minutes with her overbearing, entitled attitude. My wife's mother is a basket case who tried to commit suicide when she was very young. There is no way that my kids are staying with her. My parents are a long way away, and I will never confess my sins to my parents - that will NEVER happen.

As of this moment, my wife has been taking some responsibility with them and doing a good job. However, there is no way in hell I would trust her to take care of them for 30 days or so.

To be perfectly candid, the only reason I would go to rehab would be to get away for a while. I literally worked an average of 90 hours / week for all of my 20s and never took any time for myself. My vacations were spent taking care of my wife during surgeries. It was a really ******* stressful existence.

Even though I am struggling right now I don't have any life threatening withdrawal issues staring me in the face. I'll be fine.

To be honest, I think every parent should write a note to their children. Not a 'suicide' note per se, but it's not like we are immortal. I could be walking down the street tomorrow and get run over by a bus. There are things that I would like my children to hear directly from me, in my own words, about my love for them. I don't want it to be filtered by someone else.
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Old 09-01-2014, 08:55 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Ok I understand about the note. And I understand about using and knowing you could die. My kids could have found me dead. I'm surprised it never came to that. I'm just conserved for you opi.
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THE BATTLE IS
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ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER, SORROW,
REGRET, GREED,
SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT,
INFERIORITY, LIES
THE OTHER IS GOOD.
IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE KINDNESS,GENEROSITY,
TRUTH
"WHICH WOLF WINS?"
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Old 09-01-2014, 08:59 PM   #23 (permalink)
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I have to admit your latest posts don;t sound like you at all, and that's a worrying thing - I've been there.

There are lots of avenues besides inpatient rehab - there's outpatient rehab for one, you could speak to your Dr (with all the factors involved I really think you need to)...or you could go to any one of a dozen meeting based recovery groups, or look into a book orientated approach like Rational Recovery.

I think it's really important to do something and to get some help...and something more than simply cutting back Opio...unless you have a stringent timetable and you're cutting back to nothing, it can all get a little circular and airy-fairy. been there done that too.

D
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Old 09-01-2014, 09:20 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Dee - fair enough. I don't have a timetable nor a stringent timeline. Those never worked before for me anyway so I don't see how it would work now. "Airy-fairy" is a perfect description.

I will discuss it with the doctor to see what he says, but that is still a couple weeks away. I don't know how to word this without sounding like an arrogant *****, but the last 'addiction specialist' I went to was a complete moron that probably couldn't have passed a high school chemistry exam. I have little faith in doctors here.

I'll figure out a way to get to a meeting. I have been too intoxicated to drive myself, but I can always take a cab I guess.

If that doesn't work I suppose I could go back to NYC to see my old doctor. He actually had his head screwed on straight.

Like I said, sorry to be Mr. Debbie Downer.
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Old 09-01-2014, 09:22 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Hope you get some help soon Opi.
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THE BATTLE IS
BETWEEN TWO WOLVES INSIDE US.
ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER, SORROW,
REGRET, GREED,
SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT,
INFERIORITY, LIES
THE OTHER IS GOOD.
IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE KINDNESS,GENEROSITY,
TRUTH
"WHICH WOLF WINS?"
"THE ONE THAT YOU FEED"
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Old 09-01-2014, 09:22 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Timetables never worked for me either...I had a lot of names for it - cutting back, maintenance drinking, harm reduction, tapering - but when you cut through the BS I was still drinking...and drinking messed me up.

I think hitting a meeting is probably the most easily accessible thing you could do right now...the only cost would be the cab there and back

D
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Old 09-02-2014, 06:46 AM   #27 (permalink)
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I know you already know but watch dem benzos, Opio. They are the worst things you can mess with imho.
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Time to get shredded or die mirin'
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Old 09-02-2014, 07:23 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Hi Opio,

Benzos are the worst drug in the world, I'm currently doing a taper plan supervised by my doctor.

The withdrawal symptoms are terrible sometimes when doing a cut and it's hard trying to keep everything together.

They should not be used as a crutch and if you abuse them tolerance skyrockets and you're in a world of trouble.

This is just my personal experience.

Tom
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Old 09-02-2014, 08:46 AM   #29 (permalink)
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I have to agree with that too! Opio hope you're feeing alright today.

Love ya!
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Old 09-02-2014, 09:58 AM   #30 (permalink)
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I don't even know what to say here.

I'm really rooting for you, I care as I've seen so many wonderful posts from you over time and lastly, I read the 1st post here about how this started and why (cleaning/trying to get a handle on everything that had been sitting for a time). It is something that I can easily see myself doing.

I get quite frustrated with back/leg pain after having a few years break with opiate help. In a nutshell, I was able to experience closing up a doctors office and seeing/hearing the professionals (not the doctor) gossip and tar and feather anyone on opiates for any reason. I cant' be in that world so my choice is this *waves arms*....which is PAIN. Am trying to get through a month till my appt to have epidural shots in my back. Am utterly overwhelmed majority of time with everything that hasn't been done and I physically seem incapable of doing.

My best and almost last (1 left) long term friend died a week ago so I'm in a emotional spot too, so please forgive the bit of over the top from me. Just very concerned for you....definitely feel you can turn this around and get back to the better life. I am a very hopeful type person, always feel anyone can change things around by themselves or with help.

I definitely can understand the lack of faith in medical community and counseling. Just remember that one quack doesn't make the whole group worthless. I'd try another person, group, even just a sober buddy.

take care.... xx
---forgive spelling and grammar errors. Am in a headache hell from the grief and stuff.
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:09 AM   #31 (permalink)
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Opio, I'm quite worried for you...your thoughts and what you've been writing lately is a major 180. Can I ask why you don't trust your wife (mother of your kids) to care for them while you get help? I think you absolutely need some kind of therapy right now whether it's rehab or out-pt. I've never heard you talk about writing your family a letter and that really worries me...I understand what you mean about finding joy after our DOC, I really do. I'm quickly learning that sober isn't always great, it just isn't..it's up to us to find and do things that do bring happiness to our lives, besides drugs. It takes some time and trial and error but we all have passions and things that make us smile , you know?
You have so much to offer , I hate to see you spiral down this road again.
It's never too late to dig your way back out!
Shoot, I'm in my 30's too and it's not all it's cracked up to be but when you appreciate the little things in life, you learn gratitude and that is a wonderful feeling.
Your children are a gift that others would kill for.
They need a dad..don't allow the cycle to be repeated with them..
I grew up with a crack addicted father and look at me?
Thinking of you....
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:18 AM   #32 (permalink)
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Hey Opi. I thinking about you and praying for you today. Please check in and let us know how you are. So many here care and want to help. You are one of those people who helped me so much. I remember every single piece of advice you gave me. Now it's your time.
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THE BATTLE IS
BETWEEN TWO WOLVES INSIDE US.
ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER, SORROW,
REGRET, GREED,
SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT,
INFERIORITY, LIES
THE OTHER IS GOOD.
IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE KINDNESS,GENEROSITY,
TRUTH
"WHICH WOLF WINS?"
"THE ONE THAT YOU FEED"
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Old 09-02-2014, 02:44 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Thanks for the replies and support everyone. I do appreciate it, and I do understand your concerns. While I was intoxicated last night when writing some of those posts, I live by the mantra that "a drunk mind speaks a sober heart". Part of me - deep down - believes everything that I wrote.

While I was not suicidal last night I would say that I was ambivalent about living. To me, that is a valid distinction. There was one point in my life where I was suicidal (Feb 2012) during my CT H kick. Of course, thinking about it and even planning it are completely separate from doing it. I am not sure I would have had the balls to do it to be honest.

This morning I am feeling much better. This is the 2nd day off the Wellbutrin and the feelings of psychosis are much less this AM. On the previous days I would wake up, and I don't really know how else to describe it other than a sensation of racing thoughts, intense restlessness, aggression, etc. I realize it probably sounds crazy to everyone that I am suspecting Wellbutrin as being a contributing factor. Craziness seems to have become the central motif of this thread anyway. If it wasn't the Wellbutrin then maybe it is the amp withdrawal tailing off. I was also taking the 300mg XR Wellbutrin from day 1, and I think you are supposed to start on a lower dose. Typical addict thinking - if 150mg would work then 300mg will work twice as well. My morning cigarette was quite enjoyable and relaxing so at least I have that going for me.

I don't really feel the pull to take the benzos / booze right now. On prior days I would feel an extraordinarily strong pull because I felt extremely agitated when I woke up, and really felt like I needed drugs or a straight jacket to get sorted out.

Whatever the root cause is, I will take what I can get at this point. At the highest dosing I was at 3mg Xanax and a little under a case of beer per day. It was only that high for a week or so. Given the fact that I have next to no tolerance for benzos or booze I really don't see how I was able to get to that in such a short amount of time (I think this whole thing has been going on for about 3 weeks) unless there was something else (e.g. withdrawal or Wellbutrin) going on that was revving me up to offset them. I would have expected to be unconscious at a quarter or half of that.

So, feeling much better today. I did take 1 amp this AM and 0.5mg Xanax this AM. No alcohol, and I am feeling MUCH better than I have in a long time. That feeling of extreme agitation isn't present, but I am still somewhat restless upon waking.

I still see the situation as unacceptable though, and don't want to come across as complacent. The only acceptable one is zero amps, zero benzos, and zero booze. The cigs will need to wait for now. I am resigned to my fate with coffee. That one is never going anywhere.
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Old 09-02-2014, 03:28 PM   #34 (permalink)
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glad you're feeling better today Opi. and i really like you're zero acceptance scenario!!!

just wanted to share my experience with Wellbutrin and i encourage you to go with your instincts on what you believe about it. i took it to quit smoking after a heart attack. worked like a fricken charm for that.

then one day on the way home from work on the highway i was passing a semi and thought - if i just turn my wheel into it everything would be over. whoa! where did that come from?!?! scared me really bad. it was suicidal ideation caused by the Wellbutrin. i was not depressed, i was doing well and then a medication i'm on throws a thought like that at me?

hope i'm not crossing lines sharing that but i just wanted to say - trust your instincts. i won't take anything that is in that family of medications.....

sending light and love and wishing you all the best. you can do this. you can have your life back. i just know it.
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Old 09-02-2014, 03:42 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Opio, I'm so glad to see you feeling better, makes me smile.
One of my friends was put on Wellbutrin many years ago for depression and after a week she wanted to kill herself, was dizzy and felt like she was going crazy. It absolutely could be that drug. Or, just a bad combo of things. I'm sure mixing alcohol, benzos, ADs and amps isnt a good idea ?

See, this is the writings of the Opio we've all grown to care and admire.
Can I suggest a date night out maybe? Get a little dressed up, surprise your lady with reservations, get a babysitter and just enjoy one another. I can hear your frustration towards your wife, I have it often towards my husband but for different reasons.
I do know that when we have a date night out, it's always fun. You kinda remember the little things that made you fall in love in the first place. Ignite the spark again, so to speak.

You're not that far deep into this mess , I know for a fact you'll get off all of these substances. You kicked a heavy H habit, you can do anything after that. That just proves how strong you really are.

Oh coffee? Ha! If my blood gets taken I'm afraid it will smell like dunkin donuts lol. Yea, that's one vice I'm keeping too.

:-)
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Old 09-02-2014, 03:50 PM   #36 (permalink)
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((Hugs)) my friend. Thinking of you today and wish I could somehow give back some of the support you have given me all these months.
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Old 09-02-2014, 03:54 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Hey Opi. You sound a little better. I am so glad you checked in. Have you thought any more about a meeting? It sounds like your kids need you more than ever. I'm praying for you.
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THE BATTLE IS
BETWEEN TWO WOLVES INSIDE US.
ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER, SORROW,
REGRET, GREED,
SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT,
INFERIORITY, LIES
THE OTHER IS GOOD.
IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE KINDNESS,GENEROSITY,
TRUTH
"WHICH WOLF WINS?"
"THE ONE THAT YOU FEED"
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Old 09-02-2014, 08:21 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Wow. Today has been so much better I don't really have words for it.

I did take another 0.25mg of Xanax late in the day, but no more amps and no alcohol. So in total that was 1 amp and 0.75mg of Xanax. Today I felt fairly 'normal', and even happy at moments. I really think it was the Wellbutrin that took it to that level of craziness.

Of course, that doesn't take away from the fact that I went overboard with the amps in the first place. I didn't start the Wellbutrin until after I was coming down on the amps.

Anyway, I just wanted folks to know that today went well. Thanks for everyone's input. Sorry that I don't have more time to respond to everyone directly, but I appreciate every comment received.

I know I was on the fence in th past about taking ADs, and I can say definitively that my mind is made up to forget about that. Sure, there may be some combination that might actually work, but the downside risk is way, way too much for me personally.

As far as the meetings go, I haven't gone yet. I am going to go with my wife to her next therapist's meeting next week. We have gone to those before, but not much came of it. I guess sometimes I think there is too much talking between me and my wife.
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Old 09-02-2014, 08:46 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Great news to end my evening here. You sound more like yourself. I think going with your wife to the therapist is a great idea, no harm trying. I have to admit I enjoy the sessions where I go with my husband, and then sometimes we go out to eat or something. hint hint. Just take it easy, and take care of yourself.
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Old 09-02-2014, 09:43 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Hi opi. I'm so glad you are feeling better. I know you have the tools and the will to beat this. Now you just have to clear your brain of the chemicals and go for it!
__________________
THE BATTLE IS
BETWEEN TWO WOLVES INSIDE US.
ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER, SORROW,
REGRET, GREED,
SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT,
INFERIORITY, LIES
THE OTHER IS GOOD.
IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE KINDNESS,GENEROSITY,
TRUTH
"WHICH WOLF WINS?"
"THE ONE THAT YOU FEED"
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